Trying to Understand

[Guest guest]

No matter how far you get on your journey of recovery, there is always something

to explore and learn.

I'm a little angry today, seemingly, at the spiritual community I'm involved in.

They're really good people but there are some phrases bantered about where I

think they are missing the point...but then again, they're touching buttons of

mine...

Basically the phrases boil down to these:

1. If I had truly given nada my forgiveness, I would have her in my life and

continue demonstrating my love for her physically, emotionally and financially

in whatever way she needs.

2. If I really loved nada without condition, I would have her in my life,

ignore her abuse, and continue to demonstrate my love for her physically,

emotionally and financially in whatever way she needs.

3. If really had any compassion, I would be understanding that the insults and

verbal/vulgar abuse she showers me with are only her wounds and I would not be

witholding my love for her.

4. Your relationships with people, particularly your mother, shows the real

person you are on the inside - so, then I am what she says - selfish, cold and

uncaring.

So, the root of my anger is obvious, there is still some guilt I carry at

kicking her out of my life, moving and leaving her no forwarding address and

changing my home and cell phone numbers so she cannot contact me.

I don't think I'm delusional (I could be and I'll look at that) but I see myself

as I kind, loving and very compassionate soul. I tend towards co-dependency so

I'm very careful not to get involved in rescuing people but that pretty much

sums me up. I live to help others while I live and learn here in life. I've

been through hell and back and still I really care most about helping others to

heal and transcend pain in their lives.

I do care a bit about what people think - particularly in the spiritual realms.

If I believe myself a spiritual individual, I am acting rather un-spiritually

with nada in that I refuse to stand there and take her abuse, I can't function

in my life as a single mother due to the PTSD responses I still have from her

abusive, vulgar, truly disgusting soul assassination she attempts with me. But

I have this feeling of failure sometimes when I have great relationships with

everyone in the world except for abusive people. The guys I ran into with NPD -

definitely no good relationships there and I don't care. Just glad they're

gone. The Bi-polar ex and I have a great relationship - we get along better now

not married than when we were married. I truly love him unconditionally - I

just couldn't live with him and be his mate while he was using. he chose

substance - I chose sanity. It didn't change my love for him. Its like that

with nada to. I love her unconditionally but I cannot pretend to be a loving

wonderful daughter to a woman who is out to destroy me if I won't let her take

over and ruin my safe sanctuary of home, who's bills I refuse to pay because as

a single mom I just have enough for us and who I won't drop everything including

caring for my kids to lavish her with physical affection when I'm just not

feeling it, who I won't max out the credit cards for to buy her dentures so she

can look good (I didn't force her to eat oxycodone like candy rotting her teeth

out of her head - cause her to stop with normal oral hygene), I won't call pawn

shops all over this land and pay for pawn tickets with interest to retrieve her

jewelry. These things would make her stop abusing me until the next thing

comes up she can do splitting with.

Really - Am I really wrong in God's eyes for seeking to protect myself? I used

an analogy earlier - I love all of God's creatures - I really do and I love them

without condition but I'm not going to take a nap next to a hungry tiger or

snuggle up to a rattle snake. That would be deadly to me. I have absolutely

judged my mother but in this way only - I believe her to be incredibly ill

because no mother, for any reason would ever treat her kids the way she treated

me, no mother would beg her kids to go deeply into debt - we're talking in the

thousands and thousands to rescue her from her bad decisions, I believe she's

wrong for seeking vengeance against her child, I believe she is sick, angry,

abusive, delusional, unfit, unloving, hurtful and more. I judge her unsafe for

me. I can come to the conclusion that I understand what she says isn't about me

and I am really strong but I tried to employ this logic and rationalization when

she was in my home and she destroyed it. My home has always been my sanctuary,

the one place in the world that we were always safe but when she moved in and

stayed for 30 days, I wasn't even safe enough to sleep. She'd wake me up at 11

or 12 at night on a work night (I have to get up at 4:00 a.m.) and pick a fight

with me about some delusional thing. I'd go to get a cup of coffee in the

morning and I was attacked for not beleiving in an hallucination that I could

visibly tell was unreal. I couldn't use the bathroom without her knocking on

the door. I couldn't open a cabinet without finding a hateful post-it note. I

couldn't walk out to my car without finding a note book under my windsheild

wiper filed with pages of hate, manipulation, insult and guilt. There was no

place in my home I could be safe from her harm and abuse and yet I see all these

spiritual people spouting these really beautiful, loving and spiritual things

that make me feel so bad and so guilty that I chose peace and emotional safety

in my home for me and I my kids, that I chose to love myself instead of putting

up with her illness and abuse.

If I'm wrong here, I'm chosing not to be right forever because I'll never go

back and maybe she's right and I will burn in hell miserably for chosing to kick

her out and refuse to talk to her or listen to minutes and minutes filled with

hatred and filthy language and vulgar insults and threats to " get me. " I just

cannot believe that God would send me to hell for protecting myself and my kids

from my hateful abusive mother. I believe that I am not a bad person just

because I cannot have a relationship with my mother. My mother is obviously

mentally ill but I am judged by her insanity. Try going out on date with

someone - they always want to know how your relationship is with your mother. I

always just say i love her and change the subject for another time after they

get to know me a little better so I'm not so unfairly judged.

How is it that victims of rape or other crimes are supported by the world with

empathy and protection and all we get is downward glances and judgment unfairly?

We were victims. I won't be a victim any more. I refuse it and with everything

in me I will heal this lie she implanted in me of guilt for doing what I had to

do to emotionally survive.

Okay - my vent is over. Thanks for listening. I guess I just had to let it

out.

Jaie