nada's opinion of therapy & another memory

January 26, 2011

So a couple of things just randomly popped into my mind today. I remember

at one point, I was probably 16 - 19 years old, I told nada I wanted to go

to therapy. She looked at me with that cocky look & scoffed, " Why? So you

can make ME look like a bad mother? No. "

I'm realizing just how BPD this is of her... once again, she took something

that was about me and made it about her. It reminds me of what we're going

through with fiance's likely BPD ex wife and their kids' therapy. Oy.

Also, it makes me wonder if somewhere deep down inside her she KNOWS she

abused me.

I also think I recovered a memory today. It's been surfacing kind of slowly

in broken pieces and now more of it is coming together.

When I was 3, my parents divorced. Nada & I lived with her mother, my

grandnada (GN here). This memory, I was about 4 or 5 and all I could

remember at first was screaming & crying in my room at GN's house... then I

remembered related guilt. Finally it came together.

I was 4 or 5 and I was throwing a tantrum as kids that age tend to do. Nada

spanked me royally and sent me to my room at GN's house. I was crying &

screaming because I was hurting, probably angry and sad. I have no idea

what caused the tantrum. Anyway. I wouldn't stop crying & throwing my

tantrum, and GN told nada to take my little tape recorder and record me

throwing a fit and to make me listen to it later. I remember I was lying

near the bedroom door and I could hear them talking. At this point, before

their plot to record me, I was starting to calm down and was just crying

quietly to myself. Well when nada came down the hall yelling that she had

the tape recorder & was going to record my fit, I started yelling even more

because I so did NOT want her to do that. Well, she did it anyway. After

a while I calmed down and just lay on the floor for a while until I fell

asleep. Nada woke me up a little later and I was fine. Then she dragged me

to the dining room and made me listen to that tape. I begged her to stop it

because I was feeling embarrassed and guilty but she made me listen to it

anyway. Of course, then I started crying again.

This memory puts a knot in my stomach, like it's " off " . It also makes me

feel embarrassed! (weird), But to be completely honest I'm not sure it's

entirely wrong/abusive? I think so, but I wonder. Just another example of

a KO not knowing if something was abusive or not. No clue. Was wondering

what you guys thought? I know I would never do that to my step kids, never.

But again, left wondering.

Thoughts? Ty.

Mia

Recommended Posts