Nada casually taking credit for my well-being.

January 23, 2011

First off, this one really offended me!

A few days ago during a telephone conversation with my nada, I was

half-listening to her talk at great length about friends and events I have no

familiarity with...when I caught her mentioning a story to the effect of the

following: A friend of hers evidently mentioned her daughter exhibiting familiar

symptoms of depression, which all-in-all my nada has effectively caused and in

part maintained since I was 12 or 13 years old. Now she says that she advised

her friend to get her daughter help as soon as she could (which I commended in

sincerity) right before blurting, " You know, if I could've gotten Elle (me) the

help she needed earlier, who knows what a difference that would've made. "

To some, this may sound like a passing remark which bears little or no weight.

But to me, this only reflects her absolute ignorance about her part in my

sickness, NOT TO MENTION (and this is the worst part for me) her hatred of my

psychologist, whom she attempted to separate me from around the time she

attempted to separate me from my best friend and greatest source of

non-professional support. As I first attended therapy for GAD, though it quickly

became obvious I was primarily suffering from major depression, my nada actually

tried to dissuade me from believing the things my therapist was telling me in an

effort to end my codependency and suicidal thoughts--both stemming from, of

course, an emotionally abusive/manipulative, BPD parent. She discouraged me from

maintaining therapy and again later from taking anti-depressants, the things

which, in the end, enabled me to overcome my suicidal impulses and become strong

enough to confront my illness before it consumed me. During the first few years

of therapy, she served as nothing to me but a deliberate obstacle to my

well-being.

So, for her to say calmly and casually, " If -I- would have known, I would have

given her the help she needed sooner than I did, " is to me repuslive, ignorant,

and one more testament to BPD inability to accept blame, not to mention the

power of their denial. Looking back on the screaming matches in which I

forthrightly told her that she was the root cause of my suicidal behaviors, she

can only remember that -she- gave me help, and if only she had noticed

sooner...!

Hopefully someone else can understand my frustration and relate their story as

well. Thank you for listening, everyone,

Elle

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