Re: Bad start to the day

[Guest guest]

The healing process isn't necessarily linear, and that's OK! We can kind of

meander around, sometimes covering new ground, sometimes retracing old ground.

I think of needing therapy sometimes as similar to needing a course of

antibiotics sometimes. Usually my body can fight off an incipient infection

pretty well, but other times when under several sources of stress

simultaneously, my body lacks the reserves to fight off another germ on its own,

and I need a course of antibiotics. There's nothing wrong or shameful about

needing some extra help from time to time. If you have access to therapy, and

you're going through a high-stress spell, then, go for it! You deserve to have

help if and when you need it; none of us are going to accuse you in nada's voice

that " You're just faking this to get attention! "

-Annie

>

> I guess I was too hopeful that I could manage my PTSD and my auto-response of

fight-or-flight to any arguments without going to counseling.

>

> I haven't been since October, when I got hired at a full time job (answer to

my prayers!) and told my counselor that once I get settled in at my job and get

a better idea of the hours, I'd schedule another appointment. Never got around

to it, and got lazy and it didn't help that the days were so short (effin'

Seasonal Affective)

>

> Anyways, this morning DH and I were planning on going to the art museum, since

I got him a year membership for valentine's day But through miscommunication

we got confused as to when the other was awake enough to get ready to go. He was

waiting for me to get up from the table and the computer to get ready, as a cue

for him to get ready, and I likewise. So, it's such the stupidest thing, but we

started arguing about that, because it had gotten so late that it was almost

lunch time, and I had plans to do school in the afternoon, and he felt horribly

disappointed, since we had been talking about the plans for a few days.

>

> Once we started arguing, I felt my emotions totally receed, and I was a

stone-face and even though my husband was getting emotional. I hate that feeling

of emotional detachment, because evne though I feel like crying, I want to cry,

I want to be frustrated, I couldn't. I hurt all over, and felt depressed and

curled up in bed as a save haven, but DH wanted to talk about it more, and felt

afraid because I was retreating.

>

> I know we have different styles of working through conflict, but I just

couldn't work with him this morning for some reason. I told him I needed time to

think things through, evaluate what had happened, and just have peace for a

little while. Eventually, I was able to break free of the PTSD reaction (which

is what I was nearly always doing when I lived at home, the whole emotional

detachment) and cry. Then I felt better, and DH was take a breath and realize

that it was part of my upbringing, and we moved past it.

>

> I still feel really bad about this morning, and I feel a bit on edge still

even though we've completely forgiven each other and moved on. Kind of a

depressive feeling, I guess.

>

> When I was still curled up in bed, though, DH told me he was going to insist

on me going back to counseling. Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't

really want to hash through and bring up the childhood memories again. I don't

feel ready to do that.

>

> Also, apparently I've been having bad dreams now and then right after going to

bed. DH is a night owl while I prefer to be in bed by 10:30, so he hears me

mutter and yell in my sleep, though he can't tell what I'm saying. I must still

be having bad dreams, even though I don't remember them. I only remember the

dreams I have just before awaking.

>

> But mostly, I scared myself because I hadn't felt like that in a long time,

getting the fight-or-flight response...and to such a minor argument! We've

gotten so much better and rarely argue, and if we do, we easily resolve it and

forgive each other and move on. So why this morning??

>

> Also, I'm starting to allow myself to feel anger towards my fada and my mom,

which is also scary to me, too

>

> Thanks for letting me talk it out and vent.

> Holly

>