Bad start to the day

[Guest guest]

I guess I was too hopeful that I could manage my PTSD and my auto-response of

fight-or-flight to any arguments without going to counseling.

I haven't been since October, when I got hired at a full time job (answer to my

prayers!) and told my counselor that once I get settled in at my job and get a

better idea of the hours, I'd schedule another appointment. Never got around to

it, and got lazy and it didn't help that the days were so short (effin' Seasonal

Affective)

Anyways, this morning DH and I were planning on going to the art museum, since I

got him a year membership for valentine's day But through miscommunication we

got confused as to when the other was awake enough to get ready to go. He was

waiting for me to get up from the table and the computer to get ready, as a cue

for him to get ready, and I likewise. So, it's such the stupidest thing, but we

started arguing about that, because it had gotten so late that it was almost

lunch time, and I had plans to do school in the afternoon, and he felt horribly

disappointed, since we had been talking about the plans for a few days.

Once we started arguing, I felt my emotions totally receed, and I was a

stone-face and even though my husband was getting emotional. I hate that feeling

of emotional detachment, because evne though I feel like crying, I want to cry,

I want to be frustrated, I couldn't. I hurt all over, and felt depressed and

curled up in bed as a save haven, but DH wanted to talk about it more, and felt

afraid because I was retreating.

I know we have different styles of working through conflict, but I just couldn't

work with him this morning for some reason. I told him I needed time to think

things through, evaluate what had happened, and just have peace for a little

while. Eventually, I was able to break free of the PTSD reaction (which is what

I was nearly always doing when I lived at home, the whole emotional detachment)

and cry. Then I felt better, and DH was take a breath and realize that it was

part of my upbringing, and we moved past it.

I still feel really bad about this morning, and I feel a bit on edge still even

though we've completely forgiven each other and moved on. Kind of a depressive

feeling, I guess.

When I was still curled up in bed, though, DH told me he was going to insist on

me going back to counseling. Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't really

want to hash through and bring up the childhood memories again. I don't feel

ready to do that.

Also, apparently I've been having bad dreams now and then right after going to

bed. DH is a night owl while I prefer to be in bed by 10:30, so he hears me

mutter and yell in my sleep, though he can't tell what I'm saying. I must still

be having bad dreams, even though I don't remember them. I only remember the

dreams I have just before awaking.

But mostly, I scared myself because I hadn't felt like that in a long time,

getting the fight-or-flight response...and to such a minor argument! We've

gotten so much better and rarely argue, and if we do, we easily resolve it and

forgive each other and move on. So why this morning??

Also, I'm starting to allow myself to feel anger towards my fada and my mom,

which is also scary to me, too

Thanks for letting me talk it out and vent.

Holly