Re: Dealing with bitterness....

[Guest guest]

Yes, I do too at times. It used to be all the time. So I guess I've

improved lately without realizing it.

My whole child experience has been fraught with hardship and bitterness

actually. To get pregnant, I went through a very painful procedure to

check my fallopian tubes. Now, I have a high tolerance for pain, but I

almost passed out from this. Then at 20 weeks, I almost miscarried. I

had emergency surgery, and spent the next 15 weeks in a hospital bed,

away from the rest of the world. I was bitter ... that I missed all the

usual enjoyable things about a pregnancy ... no curling up in bed with

my husband to feel the babies kick, no baby showers (everyone was too

scared to throw me one and jinx me), no people ooo'ing and ahh'ing over

how big I was getting or how I was " glowing " , no cruising baby stores

looking at all the cute stuff. Nope, I was confined to bed and fought

the fear.

I was thankful that my twins were born healthy, though small. I was

thankful that they only spent 12 days in the NICU learning to eat. But

I was bitter as hell about my pregnancy experience.

But I moved on, and marveled at how Jordan was reaching his milestones

about on time despite being 5 weeks premature. Things were getting

easier and I was enjoying my twins.

Until ... it became apparent that something was very wrong with Jordan.

Seven months later, on his birthday, I got his diagnosis. Happy fucking

birthday, I thought. We barely even acknowledged it was their birthday

that day. I was numb, I was upset.

And once that wore off, I was bitter. Very. All that pain, fear, work,

the gauntlet that is newborn twins ... all for what? For fucking autism.

It was supposed to get easier, not harder. It had already been more

fucking hard than most people will experience in a lifetime of raising

children. I berated myself for having children. Decided it was a huge

mistake. Considered if it was possible to undo the mistake ... felt

trapped because I could not find an acceptable solution to getting out

of dealing with the autism. Was bitter because I was trapped.

You're getting the idea by now I'm sure.

I still feel like this some days.

Some good has come out of this. I suppose I've made lemonade from

lemons. I still have lemons ... but at least I have something tasty to

drink while I juggle them. LOL

I ***HATE*** those sayings ...

" God doesn't give you more than you can handle " and " God gives special

children to special people. "

My knee jerk reaction is ... " Well, does that mean that if I was a

weaker person (or less special person) my son would not have been born

with autism? "

Everyone who meets Jordan, since birth, has said that he has old eyes,

an old soul. So my little joke is that Jordan said " BTDT, this time

around lets make it a bit challenging, ok? How about autism? " And for

whatever sadistic reason, he chose us as his parents. ;-)

Okay, I've rambled quite enough for now. I need to go pack. I'm going

to an autism conference tomorrow in PA. Won't be back until Sunday.

Debbie

[Guest guest]

Yes, I do too at times. It used to be all the time. So I guess I've

improved lately without realizing it.

My whole child experience has been fraught with hardship and bitterness

actually. To get pregnant, I went through a very painful procedure to

check my fallopian tubes. Now, I have a high tolerance for pain, but I

almost passed out from this. Then at 20 weeks, I almost miscarried. I

had emergency surgery, and spent the next 15 weeks in a hospital bed,

away from the rest of the world. I was bitter ... that I missed all the

usual enjoyable things about a pregnancy ... no curling up in bed with

my husband to feel the babies kick, no baby showers (everyone was too

scared to throw me one and jinx me), no people ooo'ing and ahh'ing over

how big I was getting or how I was " glowing " , no cruising baby stores

looking at all the cute stuff. Nope, I was confined to bed and fought

the fear.

I was thankful that my twins were born healthy, though small. I was

thankful that they only spent 12 days in the NICU learning to eat. But

I was bitter as hell about my pregnancy experience.

But I moved on, and marveled at how Jordan was reaching his milestones

about on time despite being 5 weeks premature. Things were getting

easier and I was enjoying my twins.

Until ... it became apparent that something was very wrong with Jordan.

Seven months later, on his birthday, I got his diagnosis. Happy fucking

birthday, I thought. We barely even acknowledged it was their birthday

that day. I was numb, I was upset.

And once that wore off, I was bitter. Very. All that pain, fear, work,

the gauntlet that is newborn twins ... all for what? For fucking autism.

It was supposed to get easier, not harder. It had already been more

fucking hard than most people will experience in a lifetime of raising

children. I berated myself for having children. Decided it was a huge

mistake. Considered if it was possible to undo the mistake ... felt

trapped because I could not find an acceptable solution to getting out

of dealing with the autism. Was bitter because I was trapped.

You're getting the idea by now I'm sure.

I still feel like this some days.

Some good has come out of this. I suppose I've made lemonade from

lemons. I still have lemons ... but at least I have something tasty to

drink while I juggle them. LOL

I ***HATE*** those sayings ...

" God doesn't give you more than you can handle " and " God gives special

children to special people. "

My knee jerk reaction is ... " Well, does that mean that if I was a

weaker person (or less special person) my son would not have been born

with autism? "

Everyone who meets Jordan, since birth, has said that he has old eyes,

an old soul. So my little joke is that Jordan said " BTDT, this time

around lets make it a bit challenging, ok? How about autism? " And for

whatever sadistic reason, he chose us as his parents. ;-)

Okay, I've rambled quite enough for now. I need to go pack. I'm going

to an autism conference tomorrow in PA. Won't be back until Sunday.

Debbie

[Guest guest]

Yes, bitterness lurks here from time to time. I posted a long time ago about a

horrbile time Jeff and I had with it. Hugs to you.

Jacquie H

Dealing with bitterness....

Does anyone here ever feel extreme bitterness about their

situation ? I can't help but get bitter over the fact that God knew

my husband and I shouldn't have any more children because of our ages

and the risks involved...and if God knew this, than why did he give

my husband and myself, our only child, this dreaded diagnosis of

autism ???? I get so tired of hearing, " God gives special children

to parents he knows can handle it. " Afterall, I just want the

normal things any other parent would want.... (Mom to Will 4

ASD)

[Guest guest]

Yes, bitterness lurks here from time to time. I posted a long time ago about a

horrbile time Jeff and I had with it. Hugs to you.

Jacquie H

Dealing with bitterness....

Does anyone here ever feel extreme bitterness about their

situation ? I can't help but get bitter over the fact that God knew

my husband and I shouldn't have any more children because of our ages

and the risks involved...and if God knew this, than why did he give

my husband and myself, our only child, this dreaded diagnosis of

autism ???? I get so tired of hearing, " God gives special children

to parents he knows can handle it. " Afterall, I just want the

normal things any other parent would want.... (Mom to Will 4

ASD)

[Guest guest]

Yes, bitterness lurks here from time to time. I posted a long time ago about a

horrbile time Jeff and I had with it. Hugs to you.

Jacquie H

Dealing with bitterness....

Does anyone here ever feel extreme bitterness about their

situation ? I can't help but get bitter over the fact that God knew

my husband and I shouldn't have any more children because of our ages

and the risks involved...and if God knew this, than why did he give

my husband and myself, our only child, this dreaded diagnosis of

autism ???? I get so tired of hearing, " God gives special children

to parents he knows can handle it. " Afterall, I just want the

normal things any other parent would want.... (Mom to Will 4

ASD)

[Guest guest]

Hello Tara, Daeley, Becky, Louise and all other

newbies.

I'm Tuna (aka Louise), librarian married to a teacher

and mom to (ASD, 8) and (NT, 4).

Welcome to the list. Whatever you're dealing with

(chewing, toilet training, bent curtain rods) the moms

and dads on this list have been there.

Welcome.

Tuna

=====

You can learn many things from children.

How much patience you have, for instance.

- lin P.

______________________________________________________________________

Post your free ad now! http://personals.yahoo.ca

[Guest guest]

Hello Tara, Daeley, Becky, Louise and all other

newbies.

I'm Tuna (aka Louise), librarian married to a teacher

and mom to (ASD, 8) and (NT, 4).

Welcome to the list. Whatever you're dealing with

(chewing, toilet training, bent curtain rods) the moms

and dads on this list have been there.

Welcome.

Tuna

=====

You can learn many things from children.

How much patience you have, for instance.

- lin P.

______________________________________________________________________

Post your free ad now! http://personals.yahoo.ca

[Guest guest]

Oh, ...(((hugs)))

I struggled with bitterness for about 2 years or more after 's dx.

Unlike you, I don't believe in God, so my bitterness was projected outward

at all the injustices (like 16 year old crackheads who smoke and drink and

get knocked up and go on to have healthy babies, while I did everything

right, planned my pregnancy, and did't) and inward, in the form of black and

overwhelming self-pity. Paralyzing self-pity.

After I managed to wade out of all that - and i believe time was the only

thing that made it go away - I still struggled for a while with envy. My

two best friends got pregnant at the same time just over a year ago, and

that was VERY hard on me. Like you, I can't have another baby -- partly

due to physical reasons (there's like a 50/50 chance of a live birth with

everyone coming out physically healthy or even alive), and partly due to

mental health reasons. (my own) So when BOTH my friends got pregnant, I

lost it for a while.

I didn't know the envy had gone until 2 weeks ago. I went up to my hometown

and dropped in to visit one of those friends, whose baby is five months old

now and who also has an 8-year-old daughter. And you know what? I cuddled

him, and raved about his eye contact and how PRESENT he is, was touched by

the way his gaze followed his mom where ever she went and the way his face

lit up at her voice, and I was HAPPY just to meet him. And when I left

their house, I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HIM AT ALL! Not a shred of sadness, or

self-pity, not one " why her and not me? "

Both those friends have two NT kids now, and I'M OKAY!

This is a HUGE step for me. I wrote a post to the list about that visit and

called it " VICTORY! " Anyone on here can tell you that envy has been my

biggest stumbling block for years.

Maybe it's easier for me because I don't believe in God. I believe that

everything in life is random, and nobody 'gave me' this child but my genes

and my dh's in a little chemical reaction. I think it might be easier to

let go of the bitterness when I don't feel like this is something that

happened as a result of something bigger than myself. And Marc. I don't

know. That just occured to me. (BTW - don't ever think I'm bashing a

believer in God -- everyone I love believes in God; I'm the only

non-believer I know)

Time. That's all I know that can take the edge off. Time.

Jacquie

PS when people say " God gives special children

to parents he knows can handle it. " , you can always use my response: " Well,

someone in heaven is going to get fired, then, because they DEFINITELY mixed

my file up with someone else's! "

[Guest guest]

Oh, ...(((hugs)))

I struggled with bitterness for about 2 years or more after 's dx.

Unlike you, I don't believe in God, so my bitterness was projected outward

at all the injustices (like 16 year old crackheads who smoke and drink and

get knocked up and go on to have healthy babies, while I did everything

right, planned my pregnancy, and did't) and inward, in the form of black and

overwhelming self-pity. Paralyzing self-pity.

After I managed to wade out of all that - and i believe time was the only

thing that made it go away - I still struggled for a while with envy. My

two best friends got pregnant at the same time just over a year ago, and

that was VERY hard on me. Like you, I can't have another baby -- partly

due to physical reasons (there's like a 50/50 chance of a live birth with

everyone coming out physically healthy or even alive), and partly due to

mental health reasons. (my own) So when BOTH my friends got pregnant, I

lost it for a while.

I didn't know the envy had gone until 2 weeks ago. I went up to my hometown

and dropped in to visit one of those friends, whose baby is five months old

now and who also has an 8-year-old daughter. And you know what? I cuddled

him, and raved about his eye contact and how PRESENT he is, was touched by

the way his gaze followed his mom where ever she went and the way his face

lit up at her voice, and I was HAPPY just to meet him. And when I left

their house, I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HIM AT ALL! Not a shred of sadness, or

self-pity, not one " why her and not me? "

Both those friends have two NT kids now, and I'M OKAY!

This is a HUGE step for me. I wrote a post to the list about that visit and

called it " VICTORY! " Anyone on here can tell you that envy has been my

biggest stumbling block for years.

Maybe it's easier for me because I don't believe in God. I believe that

everything in life is random, and nobody 'gave me' this child but my genes

and my dh's in a little chemical reaction. I think it might be easier to

let go of the bitterness when I don't feel like this is something that

happened as a result of something bigger than myself. And Marc. I don't

know. That just occured to me. (BTW - don't ever think I'm bashing a

believer in God -- everyone I love believes in God; I'm the only

non-believer I know)

Time. That's all I know that can take the edge off. Time.

Jacquie

PS when people say " God gives special children

to parents he knows can handle it. " , you can always use my response: " Well,

someone in heaven is going to get fired, then, because they DEFINITELY mixed

my file up with someone else's! "