New Year Blues

[Guest guest]

I feel badly I've become a lurker. I want to say hello to everyone

and yet I feel guilty for why I am posting. God forbid if I ever be

the one that brings another soul down and I've found myself hiding

behind my own shoulders to protect others.

I could go on about how I was in the hospital at Christmas time or

how my mothers brother passed away a few days ago and she is

mourning. Being an empath I mourn more than she does esp for his soul

since he was a scientist and didn't believe in much of anything else.

Lol and yet here I am wondering the same thing.

What I find suprising is that no matter what drug I am put on, what

book I read, tape I listen too or prayer I say. I find myself back in

the corner wondering why I am here, who I am and feeling as lost as a

baby kitten whose mother died. I believe my fear of losing my mother

who I am deeply emeshed with has brought me to fear almost everything

lately.

I have lost my strong belief in an after life. I keep hoping someone

can come along and tell me something that will convince me so

strongly I will never doubt again. I've opened the door to any

religion or belief even past lives hoping that would give me

something to hold onto. I only run from it fearing its the wrong path

(yes I've heard whatever path I am on is the right path). I wrestle

inside every hour of the day with something that does not feel

comfortable and I am sure it is the matter of life and death. I want

to see it as a passage into something better, a place of reunion and

I so fear there is nothing after death so I am still trying to hold

onto every piece of info my mother gives me. I'd rather lose myself

than lose her does that make sense? Not even a childhood NDE is

stopping my fears. I've had contact with spirits in my childhood and

adult life and yet I wonder if I just made it all up now. Even if it

was real why are they here, am I going to stuck here? I simply don't

know what to believe anymore and that is a painful place to be.

Can anyone here tell me of what they know to be true in the realm

beyond these bodies? I thought I was attuned to the spiritual realm

and no matter who passes in this family I can't feel them at all.

Something just is not right about that. I can't believe that any God

would create such a huge divide from Heaven and Earth. Please be kind

and gentle I know there are many things you could say to me that I

should be doing and I welcome it. I guess right now I just want to

hear real peoples real accounts of what they know and have seen.

Maybe even a reading from someone? If you take the time to respond to

me it will be a blessing in itself.

-Dove