Very upset right now

[Guest guest]

The last post I sent out I was gung ho that I was going to cut my Nada off, but

of course I can't. I was hoovered back in amongst other things.

One of the things I dislike the most about dealing with my Nada is she thinks

she is all knowing.... Everything to anything....I mean medicine to the

environment. She will correct you to a fault if you " got her wrong " or you

disagree with her opinion.

Today I called to have a peaceful conversation with her about my current

illness. I am sick as a dog and I went to the doctor. She proceeded to tell

me, like I am a child and an idiot, that she told me last night that she thought

I might be allergic to my antibiotic and the doctor said I might be today too.

It instantly made me angry, because she has also said she thinks I have

pneumonia and several other things in the past few days. WTF? I got angry and

I did what I normally do...shut down and ask to end the call. But I texted a

supportive friend who is well aware of my Nada's BPD. In the text I said- " I am

getting tired of not letting her know how she makes me feel " . Something welled

up inside me and I called her back! I lit into her and asked her why it made a

difference if I was allergic to the antibiotic- " because I am your mom " , I

asked, " why did it make such a difference that you needed to correct me the way

you did? And how am I supposed to know if I am allergic to an antibiotic? " , She

says, " I don't want to talk about this " , I ended by saying, " I didn't either the

first call. That's why I ended it. We can do that again. " I then hung up!

I am 34 (crying uncontrollably) years old! I am tired of dancing around my mom

and her feelings. She does not care about mine. She does not care how she

makes me feel. EVER! I have minded my mouth and my whole family has for as

long as I have been alive and I guess my dad has longer than that. I am tired

of " Walking on Eggshells " . I am a grownup. I don't even stand up for myself at

work or in many other arenas...it's because I couldn't or I'd get clobbered

physically or emotionally. I am tired of this. I am tired of covering for her

mental illness. I am tired of dealing with this lady. I don't even think I

trust my own opinion, because she's always right - or thinks she is. WTF...

I am a child of a Nada and I am getting tired of being flexible...dodging the

crossfire....catering to her BPD.... I cannot tell you how tired and done I am.

I have been dating a man for a short time now, but I have known his family for

many years. I spent Christmas Day with his family. It makes me cry, because I

felt love in that home. A feeling I haven't felt in my home. It was amazing to

see the love pour out from them. I am afraid to tell him about my mom's BPD.

She hates when I find someone who loves me. She gets jealous and treats them

badly. I figure I should warn him.

My God. I guess I am just venting/rambling. I am tired, friends. I am

thankful for whatever that was that welled up within me. No doubt she will

either do one of two things (I know her better than she knows herself)- 1.

attack me to others or 2. start hoovering soon, because she knows she has upset

me. She may also choose to " forgive " me, because I am sick right now. She'll

blame my uprising on illness.

Just tired...I am headed for a nap!