Guest guest Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 FEEDINGTHEDESIRE***Wars***In The Shadowy Depths Behind Closed Doors:That's Where We Fight Our Secret Wars:Darkness Closes In Encircling The Light:I Haven't The Energy, Too Tired To Fight:Deep Inside Us Both The Battles Still Rage:As We Move In Different Directions, Turning A Separate Page:All Battle Wounds, Scars, And Pain Will Eventually Start To Mend:When This Conflict Of Ours Comes To A Sad Sorrowful End:Written By /Karma1980Copyright ©2005Domestic Violence and Abuse:Warning Signs and Symptoms of Abusive RelationshipsDomestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn't "play fair." He uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.Victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, although women are more commonly victimized. This abuse happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender difference, domestic abuse doesn't discriminate. It happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended.Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser's loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner. Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:• He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.• If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.• The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners: Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession. Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services. Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences. Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.Cycle of violence.. ..Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:.. ......Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss."Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself."Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time. Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her. ...... The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up. Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service ..Your abuser's apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real. Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need. Signs of an abusive relationship There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most significant sign is fear of your partner. Other signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation. To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions in the table below. The more "yes" answers, the more likely it is that you're in an abusive relationship. .... .. .. SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP .. .. .. .. .. ..Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings.. ..Your Partner's Belittling Behavior.. .. .. ..Do you: .....feel afraid of your partner much of the time? ....avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? ....feel that you can't do anything right for your partner? ....believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? ....wonder if you're the one who is crazy? ....feel emotionally numb or helpless? ...... ..Does your partner: .....humiliate, criticize, or yell at you? ....treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?....ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? ....blame you for his own abusive behavior? ....see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?...... .. .. ..Your Partner's Violent Behavior or Threats.. ...Your Partner's Controlling Behavior.. .. .. ..Does your partner: .....have a bad and unpredictable temper? ....hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? ....threaten to take your children away or harm them? .....threaten to commit suicide if you leave? ....force you to have sex? .....destroy your belongings? ...... ..Does your partner: .....act excessively jealous and possessive? ....control where you go or what you do? ....keep you from seeing your friends or family? ....limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?....constantly check up on you? ............Domestic violence hotlines and help National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas Council on Family Violence) State Coalition List – Directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence) Abusive relationships and domestic violence Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. Department of Agriculture) Domestic Violence: The Cycle of Violence – Learn about the cycle of violence common to abusive relationships. (Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service) Equality Wheel (PDF) – A "wheel" that gives guidelines for a healthy, nonviolent intimate relationship between a man and a woman. (Domestic Abuse Intervention Project)Love~All~Ways*~Karma* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 , Thanks so much for posting this wonderful post. Your poem is beautiful. I'm a therapist and I work with families that are at risk. The psyche of battered spouses is very complex and the victims often feel there is no way out. I think this post will probably speak to someone in our wonderful group who is probably in need of reading this and knowing they are not alone and there is help out there to be had. Much Love and Light, Carole --- In , " karmarqu69 " <karmarqu69@...> wrote: > > > > > > > > [http://picrip4.com/images/eyes/1373713906.gif] > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vZmVlZGluZ3RoZWRlc2lyZS5jb20=> > FEEDINGTHEDESIRE > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vZmVlZGluZ3RoZWRlc2lyZS5jb20=> > > ***Wars*** > > In The Shadowy Depths Behind Closed Doors: > > That's Where We Fight Our Secret Wars: > > Darkness Closes In Encircling The Light: > > I Haven't The Energy, Too Tired To Fight: > > Deep Inside Us Both The Battles Still Rage: > > As We Move In Different Directions, Turning A Separate Page: > > All Battle Wounds, Scars, And Pain Will Eventually Start To Mend: > > When This Conflict Of Ours Comes To A Sad Sorrowful End: > > Written By /Karma > 1980 > > Copyright ©2005 > > > > Domestic Violence and Abuse: > > Warning Signs and > Symptoms of Abusive Relationships > > Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in > an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the > other person. An abuser doesn't " play fair. " He uses fear, > guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power > over you. He may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. > Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic > violence. > > Victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, > although women are more commonly victimized. This abuse happens among > heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. Except for the gender > difference, domestic abuse doesn't discriminate. It happens within > all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may > occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after > the relationship has ended. > > Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the > abuser's loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a > deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his > wife or partner. > > Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice > > > Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage: > > • He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give > him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side > of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person > he says he loves. > > • If you ask an abused woman, " can he stop when the phone rings or > the police come to the door? " She will say " yes " . Most often when the > police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the > one who may look hysterical. If he were truly " out of control " he would > not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so. > > > • The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to > hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were > " out of control " or " in a rage " he would not be able to direct or limit > where his kicks or punches land. > > Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain > total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers > use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners: > > Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the > relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you > what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may > treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession. > > [Power and Control Wheel] > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmR1bHV0aC1tb2RlbC5vcmcv> > > Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive > partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from > seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or > school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or > see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN > > Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from > leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten > to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. > He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, > or report you to child services. > > Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics > designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making > threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, > destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. > The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent > consequences. > > Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the > inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad > childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your > abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly > shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is > your fault. > > Cycle of violence.. .. > Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence: > .. ...... [Cycle of violence] > > Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. > The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim " who is boss. " > > Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not > over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of > being caught and facing consequences. > > Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. > He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own > abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself. > > " Normal " behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain > control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if > nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful > honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really > changed this time. > > Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing > his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done > wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the > fantasy of abuse into reality. > > Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, > creating a situation where he can justify abusing her. .... > > .. The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence > > A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences > self-directed guilt. > > He says, " I'm sorry for hurting you. " What he does not say is, " Because > I might get caught. " He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that > his partner is having an affair with someone. > > He tells her " If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to > hit you. > > " He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. > > He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her > again. > > He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What > he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the > shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he > feels completely justified in assaulting her because " you're having an > affair with the store clerk. > > " He has just set her up. > > Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm12d2NzLmNvbS9jeWNsZWRvbWVzd Gl\ > jdmlvbGVuY2UuaHRtbA==> > .. > > > Your abuser's apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes > of abuse can make it difficult to leave. > > He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, > that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. > However, the dangers of staying are real. > > Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical > violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most > obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic > abuse are also severe. > > No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking > free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. > > Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can > get the help you need. > Signs of an abusive relationship > There are many signs of an abusive relationship. > > The most significant sign is fear of your partner. > > Other signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, > and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation. > > To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions > in the table below. > > The more " yes " answers, the more likely it is that you're in > an abusive relationship. > .... .. .. SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP > .. .. .. .. .. ..Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings.. ..Your Partner's > Belittling Behavior.. .. .. .. > Do you: > ....feel afraid of your partner much of the time? ....avoid certain > topics out of fear of angering your partner? ....feel that you can't > do anything right for your partner? ....believe that you deserve to be > hurt or mistreated? ....wonder if you're the one who is crazy? > ....feel emotionally numb or helpless? ...... .. > Does your partner: > ....humiliate, criticize, or yell at you? ....treat you so badly that > you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?....ignore or > put down your opinions or accomplishments? ....blame you for his own > abusive behavior? ....see you as property or a sex object, rather than > as a person?...... .. .. ..Your Partner's Violent Behavior or > Threats.. ..Your Partner's Controlling Behavior.. .. .. .. > Does your partner: > ....have a bad and unpredictable temper? ....hurt you, or threaten to > hurt or kill you? ....threaten to take your children away or harm them? > ....threaten to commit suicide if you leave? ....force you to have sex? > ....destroy your belongings? ...... .. > Does your partner: > ....act excessively jealous and possessive? ....control where you go or > what you do? ....keep you from seeing your friends or family? ....limit > your access to money, the phone, or the car?....constantly check up on > you? ............ > Domestic violence hotlines and help > National Domestic Violence Hotline > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm5kdmgub3JnLw==> > 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis > intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. (Texas > Council on Family Violence) > > State Coalition List > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm5jYWR2Lm9yZy9yZXNvdXJjZXMvU 3R\ > hdGVDb2FsaXRpb25MaXN0XzczLmh0bWw=> – Directory of state offices > that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost > legal services. Includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of > Columbia, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. (National Coalition > Against Domestic Violence) > Abusive relationships and domestic violence > Domestic Violence Awareness Handbook > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnVzZGEuZ292L2RhL3NobWQvYXdhc mU\ > uaHRt> – Guide to domestic violence covers common myths, what to > say to a victim, and what communities can do about the problem. (U.S. > Department of Agriculture) > > Domestic Violence: The Cycle of Violence > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3Lm12d2NzLmNvbS9jeWNsZWRvbWVzd Gl\ > jdmlvbGVuY2UuaHRtbA==> – Learn about the cycle of violence common > to abusive relationships. (Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service) > > Equality Wheel > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LmR1bHV0aC1tb2RlbC5vcmcvZG9jd W1\ > lbnRzL05vblZpby5wZGY=> (PDF) – A " wheel " that gives > guidelines for a healthy, nonviolent intimate relationship between a man > and a woman. (Domestic Abuse Intervention Project) > > > > Love~All~Ways > *~Karma* > <http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vcHJvZmlsZS5teXNwYWNlLmNvbS9pbmRle C5\ > jZm0/ZnVzZWFjdGlvbj11c2VyLnZpZXdwcm9maWxlJmZyaWVuZGlkPTYxNTEzNTQ3Jk15V G9\ > rZW49MWIyMzg2YzQtMTFjMi00YWFlLWJiMTQtYmUzNzBjYTNiMTNj> > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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