RE: Fw: things people actually said in court(must read debbi brant)

[Guest guest]

Too funny!

in WY

" You get a wonderful view from the point of no return... "    

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Fwd: great laugh..things people actually said in court,

>

>

> >

> >

> >

> > These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are

word

> > for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the

> > torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking

place.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: I forget.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ _

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: We both do.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: We do.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: You do?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, " isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep,

> > he doesn't know about it until the next morning? "

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ______

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ _

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ___________

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Getting laid

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Yes.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: None.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

> >

> >

> > Can I get a new attorney?

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: By death.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Take a guess.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ _______

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

> > people?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ___________

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

> >

> >

> > What school did you go to?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Oral.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ___________

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ____________ __

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

> >

> >

> > ____________ _________ _________ ________

> >

> >

> > And the best for last:

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

> > pulse?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: No.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: No.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: No.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

> > began the autopsy?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: No .

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

> >

> >

> > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

> > nevertheless?

> >

> >

> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing

> > law.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our

> > government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up