Guest guest Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Hi Em. You know your sister better than I do, but I'm not sure I would read too much into this. Maybe she just thinks your nada looks sad? Maybe she finds nursing homes depressing places (I think they are and we do most of our clinicals at them for nursing school). I don't know. Maybe she's having some fleas of her own and feeling guilty that your nada is in a home. But, No matter what, she chose to not help with difficult situations and frankly, I think that a nursing home really is the best place for her. They can give her the care she needs there. It shouldn't be up to you or your sister to do that unless you absolutely wanted to. Keep in mind even with families that do rearrange their lives to take care of an elderly parent it is often very exhausting & draining. I would try not to read too much into it. Even if she is being a flying monkey, which would be hard since nada couldn't put her up to it if she doesn't even know her anymore... well, it's her issue, not yours m'dear! Like I said, I could be completely wrong but that's just my take on it. If it is her trying to guilt you into something, well, doesn't mean that you have to at all. You're a grown woman who has the right to make her own decisions =) And if she is trying to get you to do something she wants done, bounce that responsibility back at her and tell her if she wants it done, she should do it. Hang in there. I know with situations like this it can get to us. I had my own version of this feeling last week when my step sister contacted me out of the blue before my surgery. Mia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Thanks for your support, Mia. I love this forum! Truthfully I read what she puts on FB and I think she is as crazy as nada. Her husband is likely bpd himself, too. And her comment was especially irritating because the pictures she saw were taken one whole year before the words Nursing Home were even spoken. I've been in an elder care group for several years and also have a group of friends all struggling with the same issues, and one thing we all share is the struggle of finding the best way to handle an aging, feeble parent in desperate need of care - some much beloved and others not so much. We have all taken slightly different paths, depending on our personal situations. Anyway, my point is - I told them this and I suspect if they knew where she lived they'd be sending out a lynch mob, lol! It was the words abused and abandoned that set them off - they know what I have been through with her and what I am still going through. Maybe I should call Sis next time I get the " gotta rush off to the ER " call and tell her I can't make it, can she? Muhahahaha. Or forward the " care-planning conference " notice to her. Hmmm. Medicare paperwork? Should I box it up and UPS it? Ask her if she can handle the vacant condo rental issue? Gee, I could send her a list. I am just grouchy right now. Em Sent from my blueberry. > Hi Em. You know your sister better than I do, but I'm not sure I would read > too much into this. Maybe she just thinks your nada looks sad? Maybe she > finds nursing homes depressing places (I think they are and we do most of > our clinicals at them for nursing school). I don't know. Maybe she's having > some fleas of her own and feeling guilty that your nada is in a home. But, > No matter what, she chose to not help with difficult situations and frankly, > I think that a nursing home really is the best place for her. They can give > her the care she needs there. It shouldn't be up to you or your sister to > do that unless you absolutely wanted to. Keep in mind even with families > that do rearrange their lives to take care of an elderly parent it is often > very exhausting & draining. > > I would try not to read too much into it. Even if she is being a flying > monkey, which would be hard since nada couldn't put her up to it if she > doesn't even know her anymore... well, it's her issue, not yours m'dear! > > Like I said, I could be completely wrong but that's just my take on it. If > it is her trying to guilt you into something, well, doesn't mean that you > have to at all. You're a grown woman who has the right to make her own > decisions =) And if she is trying to get you to do something she wants > done, bounce that responsibility back at her and tell her if she wants it > done, she should do it. > > Hang in there. I know with situations like this it can get to us. I had my > own version of this feeling last week when my step sister contacted me out > of the blue before my surgery. > > Mia > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Thanks for your support, Mia. I love this forum! Truthfully I read what she puts on FB and I think she is as crazy as nada. Her husband is likely bpd himself, too. And her comment was especially irritating because the pictures she saw were taken one whole year before the words Nursing Home were even spoken. I've been in an elder care group for several years and also have a group of friends all struggling with the same issues, and one thing we all share is the struggle of finding the best way to handle an aging, feeble parent in desperate need of care - some much beloved and others not so much. We have all taken slightly different paths, depending on our personal situations. Anyway, my point is - I told them this and I suspect if they knew where she lived they'd be sending out a lynch mob, lol! It was the words abused and abandoned that set them off - they know what I have been through with her and what I am still going through. Maybe I should call Sis next time I get the " gotta rush off to the ER " call and tell her I can't make it, can she? Muhahahaha. Or forward the " care-planning conference " notice to her. Hmmm. Medicare paperwork? Should I box it up and UPS it? Ask her if she can handle the vacant condo rental issue? Gee, I could send her a list. I am just grouchy right now. Em Sent from my blueberry. > Hi Em. You know your sister better than I do, but I'm not sure I would read > too much into this. Maybe she just thinks your nada looks sad? Maybe she > finds nursing homes depressing places (I think they are and we do most of > our clinicals at them for nursing school). I don't know. Maybe she's having > some fleas of her own and feeling guilty that your nada is in a home. But, > No matter what, she chose to not help with difficult situations and frankly, > I think that a nursing home really is the best place for her. They can give > her the care she needs there. It shouldn't be up to you or your sister to > do that unless you absolutely wanted to. Keep in mind even with families > that do rearrange their lives to take care of an elderly parent it is often > very exhausting & draining. > > I would try not to read too much into it. Even if she is being a flying > monkey, which would be hard since nada couldn't put her up to it if she > doesn't even know her anymore... well, it's her issue, not yours m'dear! > > Like I said, I could be completely wrong but that's just my take on it. If > it is her trying to guilt you into something, well, doesn't mean that you > have to at all. You're a grown woman who has the right to make her own > decisions =) And if she is trying to get you to do something she wants > done, bounce that responsibility back at her and tell her if she wants it > done, she should do it. > > Hang in there. I know with situations like this it can get to us. I had my > own version of this feeling last week when my step sister contacted me out > of the blue before my surgery. > > Mia > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Thanks for your support, Mia. I love this forum! Truthfully I read what she puts on FB and I think she is as crazy as nada. Her husband is likely bpd himself, too. And her comment was especially irritating because the pictures she saw were taken one whole year before the words Nursing Home were even spoken. I've been in an elder care group for several years and also have a group of friends all struggling with the same issues, and one thing we all share is the struggle of finding the best way to handle an aging, feeble parent in desperate need of care - some much beloved and others not so much. We have all taken slightly different paths, depending on our personal situations. Anyway, my point is - I told them this and I suspect if they knew where she lived they'd be sending out a lynch mob, lol! It was the words abused and abandoned that set them off - they know what I have been through with her and what I am still going through. Maybe I should call Sis next time I get the " gotta rush off to the ER " call and tell her I can't make it, can she? Muhahahaha. Or forward the " care-planning conference " notice to her. Hmmm. Medicare paperwork? Should I box it up and UPS it? Ask her if she can handle the vacant condo rental issue? Gee, I could send her a list. I am just grouchy right now. Em Sent from my blueberry. > Hi Em. You know your sister better than I do, but I'm not sure I would read > too much into this. Maybe she just thinks your nada looks sad? Maybe she > finds nursing homes depressing places (I think they are and we do most of > our clinicals at them for nursing school). I don't know. Maybe she's having > some fleas of her own and feeling guilty that your nada is in a home. But, > No matter what, she chose to not help with difficult situations and frankly, > I think that a nursing home really is the best place for her. They can give > her the care she needs there. It shouldn't be up to you or your sister to > do that unless you absolutely wanted to. Keep in mind even with families > that do rearrange their lives to take care of an elderly parent it is often > very exhausting & draining. > > I would try not to read too much into it. Even if she is being a flying > monkey, which would be hard since nada couldn't put her up to it if she > doesn't even know her anymore... well, it's her issue, not yours m'dear! > > Like I said, I could be completely wrong but that's just my take on it. If > it is her trying to guilt you into something, well, doesn't mean that you > have to at all. You're a grown woman who has the right to make her own > decisions =) And if she is trying to get you to do something she wants > done, bounce that responsibility back at her and tell her if she wants it > done, she should do it. > > Hang in there. I know with situations like this it can get to us. I had my > own version of this feeling last week when my step sister contacted me out > of the blue before my surgery. > > Mia > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2011 Report Share Posted January 15, 2011 Its hard to say. Could be. These are incredibly difficult and heartbreaking decisions to make RE an elderly parent who needs assisted living care or nursing care, and even when the parent has been abusive to you your whole life, undeserved, misplaced and inappropriate guilt feelings can still be lurking around to compound the difficulty. Even though I know that I personally can't provide assisted living care for my nada, knowing how much she hates the idea of needing to go into a nursing home will make the decision full of anguish for me and my Sister. I am so deeply grateful that my Sister and I are on the same page RE our nada. We are a team. It must be so incredibly difficult when siblings have been driven apart from each other by the toxic foo dynamics; even more so when one or more of the sibs also has personality disorder and is continuing to demonstrate the abusive, negligent or manipulative, competitive, envious bpd behaviors of the parents. Its just tragic. Your sister could just be completely clueless and in denial; merely thoughtless instead of actively hostile and malicious. Only you can make that determination. -Annie > > And in other matters... > My sister who lives in another state saw pictures on Facebook of Nada taken two years ago at our house. > Nada has had for many years what DD and DH and I call Crazy Eyes - she had this weird, almost possessed expression. As the dementia worsened her crazy eyes got worse. Have you ever been in a nursing home with lots of elderly dementia patients? If you have, you've seen the vacant look in their eyes. > Nada is in a nursing home because the alternative would be 24/7 care in my home and it would destroy me. 'Nuff said. > Sister lives 1500 miles away, doesn't visit, acknowledge that " Mother " is anything but perfect and does nothing to help with a difficult situation. > So here is what she messages me on seeing pictures of demented nada at our house on the last Easter before she went Into the nursing home: > > " her forlorn look reminds me of the commercials about abandoned and abused dogs and cats...same kind of eye expression ...it is heartbreaking. " > > Her message was all about how she had tried to call nada but the nurses said she was in the dining room or sleeping, so she was clearly thinking about the nursing home when she wrote this. > She went on to say she sent a card - little does she know that nada didn't know who the Hell she was when I read it to her, because nada no longer remembers any relatives but me. She can't even figure out who my daughter is. > > Fellow KOs, I can't make up my mind whether I should be furious that she is implying I am abusing nada by abandoning her to a home or pitying that she is so clueless about what really went on in her childhood. > > Heck, maybe this is just another flying monkey story. > > Em > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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