Re: Reasons not to kill myself wanted

[Guest guest]

On one of the occassions when I have most felt suicidal, I suddenly

discovered all the reasons I had to stay alive. One of these was that

to commit suicide is to surrender, to give in to the forces that are

trying to destroy me. Why should I surrender? Why should I give in

to them? I am worth more than that. Surely even an unhappy life is

better than death - why not fight on - what have I got to lose?

I am very sorry you are feeling this bad Kim, but in trying to help

you now I am actualy heping myself by reminding me of how I pulled out

of that feeling.

On another occasion as I left my home with the intent to get something

to kill myself I passed where the mail was left out. I couldnt see any

reason to look at it. I couldnt imagine anything I could possibly

receive that would make me change my mind. In the event, there was a

letter from my therapist. He told me that as a result of a death in

his family he could not make my appointment but would see me the

following week. On the face of it meant nothing, but that little

reminder that thee was another human being in my life made the

difference - I couldnt do it. That he had been recently bereaved I

dont know how much difference that made - maybe it did.

While thinking what to say in defending psychiatry I started counting

just how many friends I have known who have died as a result of

psychological distress of one kind or another. Two close ones died

through suicide; I miss them very much. There is no form of

bereavement that causes greater distress for those who know someone.

You might feel right now that you dont matter to anyone but you do I

am sure - all who know you here would be distressed if you ended your

life.

Recentl I have felt very bad, but I know I cannot harm myself while I

am till important to my " sorta gf " M. The relationship is very

troubled and casues me hurt, but it is still beautiful in its own way

and is a kind of loving. I have had no-one special for many years but

eventually I found someone who I can share as loving a relaotionship

as we are capable of. IF we part I may find someone to whom I can

get closer. I often feel alone but I have friends who would be

devastated if I left their lives this way. I still have a mother and

two brothers who I rarely see and have very difficult times with but

they would feel the same way.

When I told a Roman Catholic priet I was suicidal he did not say that

I would go to hell, in fat he said I would go to heaven! True or false

it was a good thing to say, because rather than make me think I could

go to heaven easily, it stopped me feeling frightened of hell and

ashamed and guilty and want to live.

My own depression makes my life very hard to live. Years grind by

where I simply seem to just keep going; right now I'm very worried

about my health. But I realized that my depression means my brain

gives me " bad data " - things arent as black as they seem. They can

get better. The secret is not to be fooled by the bad data - it

doesnt have to be this way.

I dont know if you are receiving any kind of professional help but if

you arent try to find some. Being very depressed can be a drain

on other ppl and hence it's actually not always a good didea to

tlak about it, but if you can why not look up a friend and just

suggest coffee, watching TV or playing chequers or whatever. lso,

I find is I just say to ppl " I dont feel too good right now, so Im

sorry if I'm not quite the life and soul of the party. If you can just

be with me for a while that's be great. " I find if I do this the

depression often lifts a lot. Many therapsits talk about being " held "

- sometimes literally if a friend gives you a hug, sometimes just

empathizing or being there, like your going back to when you were held

as a baby and are held by your mother. Whaever the link with being a

baby, being held literally and metaphorically really is good for ppl

imo; its what lifes all about, and in fact I've just made a mentl

resolution to seek it all my life and to offer it to others whenever

I can.

Also remember the suicide crisis line for your area if it gets really

desperate, and keep talking to us.

Love and best wishes,

Pete

[Guest guest]

When I was really down, sunshiny inspirational stuff never seemed to help. I

would tell myself that (1) any kind of a life is better than none, and (2)

since eventually I'm going to die anyway, why bother? Sounds like a rather

bleak outlook today, but at the time it made sense, and these reasons were

all I needed.

Shaking recurrent (or constant) suicidal thoughts and images is a whole

other problem, when they go beyond 'reasons.' What actually worked for me

once was to just get disgusted at the whole thing, to tell myself that the

ideas I was having were sick, that they were 'not me,' and that no matter

what, I *refused* to do anything self-destructive. Of course if that stuff

had kept up for any length of time I would have had to tell my shrink about

it ;-)

Physical activity, especially loooooooooooong walks outdoors usually helps

too.

--wally

Reasons not to kill myself wanted