Stop Looking Outside :)

[Guest guest]

As KOs we were made to continually look outside of ourselves for validation that

would never come, forced to consider everyone else's feelings before we made a

single move and continually told what we saw as wrong was not real. We grew up

unable to properly judge bad behavior except our own. Our every move later in

life becomes judged inside our own head by the twisted reality nada or fada

imposed upon us unwillingly. We didn't know any better.

Even as adults, in all of our relations we attempt to do everything right to be

above reproach, to be liked and to be loved. We don't have to do that any more.

One thing that we really need to know is that we can make decisions we feel are

in our best interest without running it past nada or fada, without consulting

them, informing them and explaining or defending our actions or thoughts.

Somewhere inside we keep expecting rocks to be sunshine. Rocks are rocks

(nada/fada). They cannot be sunshine. Give it up I say, quit trying to

manipulate in return by kindness, being the good child and just be you.

If you don't like their behavior you can say so and you can walk away. If you

don't like their opinions on your life decisions, stop asking for their opinions

or hearing them if unsolicited. You are a human being who has the right to be,

say and do as you please, you don't need approval or permission from nada or

fada as an adult. You don't need to fear their reproach and who cares what

anyone thinks about you when nada or fada tells lies. The only person's opinion

that matters is yours.

We have to change our expectations and re-parent ourselves, learn to find

validation that is meaningful within, find love from within, find approval from

within. We will never get it from nada or fada so stop trying. Consider the

source, put it all into very crystal clear perspective.

You are not doing the world any favors by not protecting yourself from harm.

Who cares if nada or fada says you are a rotten selfish person because you won't

love them specifically on their terms. That's a heinous, insidious lie. See it

for what it is and let the inner child within you stand up for yourself for

once. It can now. it doesn't have to be fed or clothed by nada or fada any

more. You have the right to demonstrate love on your own terms and to not be

critiqued in the process!

My nada has always been abusive and she had people all over the country call me

and try to shame me into contact with my poor frail sickly mother (she's got a

bad back she refused medical treatment for because she wants the pain killers -

she won't stop drinking pints of vodka and its taking a toll on her body, she

refuses to allow people to be who they are and inflicts the worst character

assassination I have ever seen). To me, nada is where she is at her own hand.

Not my fault and not my problem. I'm not sorry family and friends see me as the

rotten selfish daughter who thinks only of herself. I know the truth and I

don't need nada or her friends or other family to validate who I am. The truth

is - she is abusive and I'm sick of being her victim. I wasn't born to be

anyone's slave or victim and I won't be. The family can just hate me and I just

won't care. My family knew of nada's neglect and abuse and felt bad about it

but did nothing so why do I care what they think? They're just mad because now

they have to deal with her and they are quite possibly jealous or envious of my

peace, serenity and tranquility. Again, not my problem. I don't do anything to

" get even " with nada. I do what I do to keep me healthy and safe from her

abuse. I am NOT able or WILLING to be in her presence in any way, shape or

form. Its unhealthy for me.

If I stayed in contact and continued to cave into her FOG tactics, I would

suffer PTSD and panic attacks for life. That wouldn't make me a good daughter,

that would make me insane and I wasn't put her to be damaged. I have my own

life and children to consider first.

Its just so important that you all give yourselves whatever space you need to

heal from emotional trauma and do so without nada or fada's commentary designed

to keep you ill. If you continue to be overly empathic and malleable putty in

their hands, you will only ever be miserable and sick. YOU have the power to

change. YOU have more control than you realize. YOU can change and improve

your life. If you have a nada or a fada, why are you holding out hope that they

will one day be the loving mother or father that you deserved? I tried

that...all I did with those thoughts was hurt myself. I mourned the fact I had

no mother or father that I should have had, that I deserved to have and I am to

myself what they should have been to me.

Its so hard for me to see people still trapped in the games of sick and twisted

individuals. I see the spirits being absolutely obliterated and I'll tell you

it makes me mad. Its sad that BPDs exist but just because they have an illness

does not mean we have to go down with the ship. For those that can stay and

communicate without being affected, AWESOME and Bless you. But for those of you

who can't, it is okay to cut contact, its okay to take care of yourself and

create distance for you to heal. Look only to yourself for answers and do

what's right for you...get therapy, read self-help books...stick close to this

support group but know this, you can get free and heal, you can find the love

within yourself you always wished you had from nada and fada and know that with

everything in me, I send you peace, love, energy and prayers to face the journey

you have to face.

Take good care of YOU FIRST!

Jaie