My Mother Passed Over I Feel Lost

[Guest guest]

I've not logged in for a while, I recently lost my mother on the 16th

it feels like yesterday. I work for her every weekend. She called me

on Friday night, I arrived at midnight with antibiotics and cough

syrup to ward off what she thought might be something moving into

pnuemonia, just in case as she is a quad and her lungs can't cough

like ours. She has spent 35 yrs in a wheelchair and over come

everything imaginable. She was her own doctor really, they merely

called in what she wanted. By 12pm Saturday she was gone, I found her

with patches of blue on her face and arms. I've never screamed so

much in my life, never grieved so much. She was not prepared for this

and neither was I. I checked on her at 5 a.m she seemed okay. I heard

her breathing funny around 10:30 a.m and sounded like a congested

snore, I'm having a hard time reliving that not forgiving myself even

though this was so fast moving trying to save her would have been

more misery. She lost her brother at Christmas time and was having a

hard time accepting it, much the same way I am with her. We also lost

her mother two years ago, that is the last of her family. I was

codependant on my mother, she was my therapist, my only friend, at

times my daughter as I cared for her my entire life, though she was

very capable of caring for herself and the most intelligent,

knowledagle woman I've met in my life. She employed me over the years

because she knew I could not work and my household needed the income.

I am at a loss as to what to do for income, my brother will be

selling everything of hers including the only house I have known as

home. She spent her savings trying to make it the way she wanted.

The truth is I am still having a hard time trusting there is an after

life and I am reaching out to anyone here who may be able to help me

get in touch with my mother or tell me of your experiences. No one

can make me believe but the more I hear of others experiences the

more I know it will help me hope. The funeral director told my

husband that he had never seen someone have such a hard time letting

go of a body. I was talking to her, painting her nails, kissing her

nose and telling her that if anyone could reach me it had to be her

to tell me of the other side. She studied, death and dying, grief,

the Jesus Seminar and read books on spirituality like they were food.

Her fav author was Spong and she was recently listening to Ester

Hicks.

The night she called me to stay with her she had laid out pants to go

to a funeral for her best friend. Her friends daughter had just lost

her 30 yr old husband and left behind four children. My mother was so

sad over this she started a trust fund for her and put a hundred

dollars in it. While she was busy worrying about this family she was

actually preparing for her own funeral unbeknown to her, she didn't

even finish the will she started on. I do feel a calm much of the

time esp at her memorial, I got up and talked and didn't shed a tear,

I laughed and enjoyed the family, ate and took pictures, it had to be

her comforting me. Today I am numb and then all at once crying again.

The image of her blue face flashes at me off and on without warning.

I keep seeing her beautiful blue eyes remembering how I was staring

at them as if I could somehow see the universe through them, but I

couldn't.

My daughters moved away from me several years back and I've been

praying for them to return since. I was raised around women the bonds

are strong since my life was spent being abused by every man in my

life. I need my daughters and when they left to go home yesterday, my

soul sunk again, I just don't feel alive without them as well as my

brother who lives too far away to visit. Family comes running when

someone dies but they are not here for the living. I try to teach

them that life is precious and we must make those memories while we

can, I keep praying they will return or that a way will be made for

me to be with them.

This is long I am sorry....I really could use some friendship right

now...some spiritual wisdom, love whatever anyone can offer.

Thank you for reading, Namaste,