what kind of a cancer supporter are you?

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http://www.cancerlynx.com/angels_bolters.html

Kathy ly ston sent me this. I found it helpful.

CancerLynx - we prowl the net

May 28, 2000

Angels and bolters: a field guide to the wildlife of cancer

Ritchie M.D.

When you are diagnosed with cancer, strange things happen to other

people. Cancer will probably change you, but it also changes people

around you, people you thought you knew.

People behave in unexpected ways. Some you thought were friends

disappear. Others hang around. And of those who keep coming around,

you will be glad to see some, and less glad to see others.

You will find out who your friends are, as the saying goes. As if

that's a good thing. As if anyone ever really wants to find out who

can be counted on and who can't. Someone you rarely saw and didn't

feel particularly close to may turn out to be the person who is most

supportive, who most understands what you are going through.

Although each person's cancer experience is unique, there are some

commonalities. The following is a guide to the creatures you may encounter.

Preachers

Preachers are anxious to give you advice and information. They are

convinced that they know what is best for you, and they go out of

their way to share their answers. They bring you books and tapes,

herbs and pills, or they know where you can send money - usually a

lot of money - to obtain a product that is guaranteed to cure you.

This guarantee, on closer examination, turns out to be more like a

strong opinion.

So they will assure you that vegetarians don't get cancer, or

meditators don't get cancer, or those who think happy thoughts. None

of which is true. They bring you tofu and sprouts when you really

want a pizza, and then you feel guilty for eating pizza at all. They

insist that you think positive, at a time when you are bald and

nauseated and have a temperature of 104 and a major body part is missing.

Preachers are usually well-meaning and sincerely concerned for your

welfare, so they are hard to ignore. They are convinced that the one

thing they promote is the thing that will cure your cancer, if you

only do it correctly. This last part is the kicker - if it doesn't

work, you must not be doing it right.

Clueless

The clueless make inane comments. These comments usually fall into

one of three categories:

* Cancer is not really a problem. (e.g., Losing your hair/body

part/health is not really a problem.)

* Cancer is really a blessing. (You'll find out who your friends

are. Cancer is a gift from God because you are so strong.)

* You caused your cancer.(Remember that time you had a negative

thought? You are not praying hard enough.)

There are an infinite variety of idiotic remarks. When you have

cancer you are liable to hear one or two that are amazingly thoughtless.

If preachers are honestly concerned for your welfare, the clueless

are primarily concerned about themselves. They want you to be

cheerful because it makes them more comfortable (this includes some

health care personnel). Those who deny their own sadness and grief do

not want to hear about yours.

The clueless want to believe that the world makes sense, that it is

fair and just, that people get what they deserve. They are willing to

ignore any evidence to the contrary. They don't really understand

your situation; they cannot see your illness from your perspective.

They are not interested enough to understand, or they are too fearful

of their own well being.

But their ignorance is not your problem. Education of the clueless is

extremely time-consuming and frequently doomed. It should be

undertaken only in desperate circumstances, or out of sheer boredom.

These people are exhausting. You may have to decide whether their

company is worth the emotional cost, as you are likely to end up

taking care of them.

Bolters

Bolters disappear when you are diagnosed with cancer. The bolter is

someone who was always around before you had cancer, but now does not

call and does not show up. Bolters may or may not send a card before

they leave.

When questioned, bolters make excuses: they knew you were tired, or

they knew you would ask if you needed anything, thus blaming their

absence on you. Like the clueless, their distance reflects their own

discomfort. They stay away because they are afraid of their own

sadness or their own mortality.

A related creature is the virtual bolter. Virtual bolters may be

physically present but act as if you were no longer there. They

ignore you, as if you were invisible. You find yourself not invited

to events, as if you didn't exist. You are suddenly excluded from a

weekly meeting you have attended for years.

Like the clueless, bolters are generally resistant to logic and are

thought to be incurable. When they are caught and questioned they

blame others, and it may be best to simply let them go.

Angels

Angels know what to do, and they know what you need. They drop by

with a bag of groceries or they offer to walk the dog. They will

listen when you need to talk, or they can just sit next to you and be

there without having to do anything or say anything. They know that

just being there is doing something. Angels tread lightly because

they have no agenda of their own.

They treat you like the person you always were. They know that

despite the cancer you are still you. Sometimes angels just know what

you need, and sometimes they need to ask. An angel knows how to

listen to the answer, how to listen to what you say and to what

you're not saying. You can cry with angels and you can laugh with

them, sometimes both at the same time. Some are born angels. Others

have to learn, which takes time and may be awkward at first.

Fellow Travelers

For fellow travelers, your cancer journey is their journey. Family

members become fellow travelers out of necessity. Others stick with

you by choice.

When you have cancer, they have it too. And in some ways their

journey is harder, a time of frustration and powerlessness. While you

can fight the cancer, they can only observe.

Fellow travelers want to be supportive, although at first they may

not know how. They can become angels but it will take time. Most of

us are not good listeners, and it takes a while to learn. You can

help by being patient and by asking for what you need.

The clueless are right about one thing - there are good things about

having cancer. The best is the opportunity for a closer relationship

with those who care about you. And, of course, you learn who your friends are.

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kitten picture

From the book Angels and Bolters: Women's Cancer Scripts