Small twinge of fear

[Guest guest]

Everytime I see that I have received message group emails, I cringe. Sadly

because I believe I am doing something wrong. I guess I also feel like my

Nada's going to find me out! Of course, I ignore that feeling and start

reading.

I haven't talked to her in about a little over a week now (I have at least 5

periods a year where I go weeks & months without talking to her). I bought my

SWOE workbook and I am getting started. I do feel a little guilty, but also

hornery about not returning her calls. She has chosen the option that I

confronted her, because I " wasn't feeling well " , instead of tired of her crap.

She has been calling for benign stuff like she called for car advice... I do

know a lot about cars, but if I haven't called back in over a week, do you

really think I'll call back for something silly as that request?

My dad called me the other day to " talk " and " complain " about my Nada behind her

back. I feel a little sorry for the guy. But he chooses to stay. She at one

point bought a gun and threatened to kill him with the gun present and he

stayed. Love conquers all, right? He called hoping I'd rail against her. No

need to. I gave him a thousands awwww's and geeez's and he eventually ended the

call. Folks are scared in my house to do anything about my Nada, except me.

Hoovering is real! ) I cannot change that old bird (my Nada), but I'll try to

see what I can do for me. I also have been having a reaction to reading the

SWOE workbook. I feel terrible saying it in this setting, but I don't want to

read what BP's have to say about how they feel and their experiences. I know

the attempt is to help you view the person as a person, I think I am just angry.

I am angry that my father and my family system chose to be blind to my mom's BP.

I guess I am also angry at the suffering I and my family have endured. I

received many years of counseling, thank goodness!

Overall, I am hopeful right now. Very hopeful about my situation. My heart

continually goes out as I read some of the posts.