The Dump........Hysterical......

[Guest guest]

Lynda ~

I just knew you needed a good laugh !

I am glad it worked ! !

Love you ~ DedeStart the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.

[Guest guest]

Oh my gosh, Dede! That is hilarious! I really needed some laughter

today...thank you!

~Krista

>

> Taking a Dump...

> I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement

as

> you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios

listed. If

> you haven't you need more fiber.....

>

> The Perfect Dump

> Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's

rare

> but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but

what you

> get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the

water with

> the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use

the toilet

> tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel

that all

> is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

>

> The Beer Dump

> Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too

> many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a

sinister,

> lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that

could close

> the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

>

> The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

> Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you

> all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie

starfish feel

> like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like " a

Japanese

> Flag " .

>

> The Empty Roll Dump

> Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an

> empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.

You could

> use the curtains but then someone would ask " where are the

curtains? " Use

> the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same

conclusion

> that every " empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks

tighten yer

> cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that

you could

> always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

>

> The Splash Back Dump

> This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water

> that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock.

Now your wet

> - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your

back. Tip of

> the day: blot instead of wiping.

>

> The Childbirth Dump

> This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by

nature

> for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First

it hurts,

> and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll

ever see

> your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines

screaming " Man

> dies trying to hatch monster loaf! " There are only three things

you can do:

> 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some

Vaseline

> to help you get through it.

>

> The Machine Gun Dump

> Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime

peace

> when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the

> tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle

hits the

> floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a

M16....damn

> commies.

>

> The Sound Effect Dump

> You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates

> are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to

cover the

> disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence.

At the

> precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet

2. Drop

> loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your

favorite

> opera.

>

> The Cling-On Dump

> You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.

You

> grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but

the little

> bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach

between

> you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

>

> The Whole Roll Dump

> No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the

whole

> roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode

is consumer

> waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply

anything

> will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

>

> The Encore Dump

> Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are

about

> to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You

must

> therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven

encores.....

>

> The Houdini Dump

> You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep

down

> the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh

yes as you

> can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the

next

> person who comes in.

>

>

>

>

> **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in

shape.

> http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?

NCID=aolcmp00300000002489

>