Lynda, healing

[Guest guest]

Lynda,

It sounds like you have spent alot of time thinking over things while

you were on vacation.

I can understand your anger and frustration at your body's betrayal.

I would probably feel the same thing. I hope you can come to terms

with it and feel comforted and cared for.

Trusting in the One who holds your life in His hands is the only

thing I know for sure that brings peace. He is not unmindful of all

that you are feeling and going through. He knows. We don't know the

why's and the what for's. We may never. But we CAN know that He

loves us and knows our needs. We also know that HOWEVER He answers

our prayers is the right path to life.

I'll be praying for your healing.

Hugs,

Patty

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> Now that I am home, I can fill everyone in on what is happening.

>

> I am scheduled for chemo again on Tues. I can tell you that the

> anxiety and panic started this last Wed. I am trying to control

it,

> but it seems to be winning.

>

> I have figured out a lot of things about how I feel about all of

this.

>

> First of all, I am angry as hell. That anger has many

> components. There is fear (a lot of fear), there is the loss of

> control over my life, there is the pain that my family and friends

> are feeling, there is the angry and not being able to do the things

I

> normally do that make me who I am (or feel like I am who I am) and

> then there is the deep, deep anger at my body for betraying me so

seriously.

>

> There may be more components to this anger, but these are the ones

I

> have identified this last week.

>

> There is also the need to try to not see the chemo as the enemy of

my

> body (which in some ways it is, but it also kills the cancer cells,

> so it could be seen as my friend). I cannot see it that way at

this

> point. I need to work on that.

>

> So, as you can see, I have been thinking and feeling a lot of

things,

> and now have to decide how to work on all of these issues.

>

> I had two thoracentesis while in Hawaii, and will continue to have

to

> have them at regular intervals until the chemo destroys enough of

the

> cancer to allow the drainage to occur naturally. I am going to try

> to spread out the intervals so I have less of these. That may be

> possible and it may not be possible.

>

> I have many things to think about and deal with, and then I have

the

> side effects of the chemo to also deal with. And the possible

(they

> say probable) loss of my hair, which also effects self-esteem and

> trying to feel positive. And one must feel positive if one is to

> fight this disease.

>

> This is probably not the whole picture, but it just lets you know

> what I have been doing with my time and energy while I was enjoying

> the healing environment of the Big Island of Hawaii.

>

> Lynda

>