need to vent

[Guest guest]

I am angry and sad. My son had his tonsils out Monday and it has been a bad

week. I find a bald spot Thursday and doctor's think I may have alopecia

areatea. I just think, REALLY!?! It makes me sad that I don't have a mother that

I can go to for support and comfort. I have a good husband but still not the

same. It just makes me angry. I live in same small town with my BPD sister and

mother. My sister basically said she was going to make people see my " true

colors " so I can only imagine what she has told people. My extended family

(aunts, cousins) who I have been close to my whole life now look at me like I

have cooties. The irony is they have seen how she is but I guess it is just

easier to go with the flow than against it. I have always been close to my

Granny but she just doesn't understand why everyone can't get along. She says

hurtful things like " I should humble myself to get along " . I use to talk to my

Granny everyday and visit at least once or twice a week. Now I just can't

because I am too busy fighting my own voices that tell me how bad I am. I hate

my job. Not just work is hard, I literally despise it. I am looking for

something different. I feel like a big, fat (now balding) loser. I never can be

good enough despite how hard I try. I have bent over backwards for my entire

family and when I finally stand up to BPDs they all turn against me despite what

they know. I am so frustrated. Telling myself to be grateful and how people tell

me how nice I am, etc is just not working right now. I am sure people tell

sister and Mom how wonderful and nice they are. I want to sob but the tears are

just stuck ,if that makes any sense. My anxiety is horrible. That stupid

elephant on my chest continues to sit there and now my stomach has joined in.

Just when I think I am making progress then BOOM! I am back at square one. My

husband gets it to a point. I no longer feel like I can vent to him. He thinks

it is just time to get over it. He doesn't understand all the junk that comes

along with " getting over it " . I went NC with BPDs on Christmas Day. I wish there

was a magic switch. I feel like, who can I truly trust when my I cannot even

trust my own family? I always feel like the other shoe is going to drop. Thanks

to anyone who gets to the end of this. I am so extremely thankful for this site

because it does help validate what has happened. Tomorrow has got to be a better

day.