Can anyone relate to growing up...

[Guest guest]

Can anyone relate to the idea that they grew up in a hostile environment versus

an abusive one? I wasn't physically abused, and I'm not even sure I would go so

far as to say emotionally abused (but maybe I'm minimizing) but I can DEFINITELY

say that I grew up in a constantly, 24/7, hostile environment that was abusive

in itself.

My parents fought all the time, my mother screamed and yelled all the time and

provoked arguments, and my father was too stupid to not engage in these

screaming matches. My father also is a bit of a narcissist (not full personality

disorder, just a little bit of his personality) and has a short temper (and a

bad nicotine addiction) and he would scream and yell back (although again these

were provoked by mother's unrelenting and unfounded criticisms). I could never

invite friends over for fear that my parents would go into a screaming match. I

had to hide in my room whenever they had these arguments, which was all the

time. Sometimes their anger turned on me and I was the one (or my brother) that

they screamed and yelled at. Once I had an argument with my mother and when I

tried to walk away because I didn't want to argue any more and I went into my

bedroom and locked my door, my dad busted the door down and screamed and yelled

at me some more about " not talking to my mother like that. "

I had one other fight with my mother that I can recall, and my mother called my

grandmother and aunt to come over (I was 17 years old) and my grandmother

started screaming and yelling at me, right in my face while I was trying to do

homework. When I tried to leave, they grabbed my car keys from me (and I was

just trying to go to a friend's house and be in a safe environment) and I just

walked out side and my aunt followed me as I walked around the block. They

wouldn't even let me be as I walked around the block!

These are the few things that I remember. I don't think we had many other

arguments (I didn't have much time for my parents as my goal was to grow up and

get the hell away from them--and nada knew it, I think). But I don't really

remember a lot of things that I feel like I should remember. Am I blocking the

details of my childhood? I don't feel like I'm blocking any huge events or

anything, it's just that a lot of details are escaping me, and I think it's

because I just don't want to think about any of it.

My parents, both individually, now that me and my brothers are grown up, like to

pat themselves on the back for what a great job they've done. It somewhat

bothers me. In my father's case, I just let it roll off my back because we have

gone through so much to repair our relationship, that I have forgiven him the

past, and see no point in drudging it up. I'm an adult, and I am responsible for

me now. And frankly, my dad did a lot of things right. But my mother! Sometimes

she'll say that she's proud of me, and it's completely unbelievable. She's not

proud of me as a person; she's proud of me as successful daughter that she can

boast to all her brothers and sisters about (all of their children, especially

daughters, were knocked up as minors, didn't go to college, etc--not that I am

judging those that have experienced that--this is what my mother values). And

yet she despises me for my success too.

Sorry, I'm triggered right now and needing to vent.