Just for Laughs

[Guest guest]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American

company Proctor and Gamble's product manager regarding their

feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first

paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-

award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher:

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20

years

and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard

Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding

or salsa

dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the

beach

in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-

Wings. Kudos

on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is

that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure

I feel each

month knowing there's a little F-16 in my panties.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever

suffered from

'the curse?' I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is

starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces

violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my

body

will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to

call 'an inbred

hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no

doubt seen

quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers

monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo.' Therefore, you must know about the

bloating,

puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,

crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact,

only last

week, my friend fought the violent urge to shove her

boyfriend's testicles into a Foreman Grill just because he

told her he

thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that

America

is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which

brings

me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of

cramping so

painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I

opened an " Always " maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive

backing, were

these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny

middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,

laughing

happiness is possible during a menstrual period?

Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?

Well, did

it, ?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S & M freak, there will never

be

anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on

Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't

march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a

sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have

to slap

a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say

something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer'

or 'Vehicular

Manslaughter is Wrong' or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective

immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have

chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will

certainly miss your

Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of

condescending

bull sh*t.

And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi s

Austin, TX