My intro; sorry, this is a book!

[Guest guest]

Hi All,

I just joined but am very familiar with groups and lists, so I figured

I'd just jump in. This has been a very long journey for me, so forgive

me for the length of this post.

I'm a 51 yr. old stay-at-home mom, been with my husband 32 years

(married 28), and have two great boys (13 and 17).

My father is from India where you eat everything on your plate;

naturally, he's thin and basically eats to keep himself alive. My

mother is American, and always saying she can't eat this or that because

she's fat. She eats things that don't taste good just because they

don't have many calories. Plus, my dad is always watching what she

eats! As a kid, we weren't allowed to serve ourselves and we had to eat

everything, no matter what. My younger sister is skinny and always has

been--I love her dearly and we're the best of friends, but it is really,

really hard having a model-thin sister when you're not, especially for a

teenager. My mom was always trying to fatten her up and slim me down,

and all our relatives treated her like a fragile flower because she was

thin (I was " strong " ). Add in a brother who was mentally ill/had social

issues from a very young age, and you can see how I started to get

Screwed Up. Dinner was always a family meal, and very stressful--my dad

had a stressful job and an explosive temper, and he and my brother used

to argue politics all the time. I used to shred and tie my paper napkin

into tiny knots to deal with the tension. Boy...remembering all that,

now I'm wondering why I'm not really more messed up than I am!

I was deemed " overweight " and put on a diet when I was about 8, although

when I look back at pictures of myself I realize I was very muscular and

most likely only overweight according to the charts. At first I thought

being on a diet was special in a good way, and then I started to realize

it was only special in a bad way. Over the next ten years or so, my

weight went up and down but was actually pretty normal for most of high

school although I was starting to establish binge patterns. In

particular, I think I learned that eating with people was unpleasant

(family dinners) and eating by myself (binging) was calming and

pleasant, at least for the moment.

I had self-esteem and depression issues in college, and flunked out,

then dropped out of another college. Major guilt and feelings of

worthlessness--did I mention that my parents and paternal relatives are

very big on education and overachieving? Throughout my 20s and in my

early 30s I went through diet/binge cycles, became bulimic for about

five years and at least managed to get myself out of that. Since

stopping binging/purging, life has been binging/dieting through the

birth of my kids, the suicide of my brother 10 years ago, and everything

else.

When I was 38, just after my youngest son was born, I decided to get in

shape once and for all (ha) and over two years dieted and exercised

myself into total buffness. Then, of course, it all piled on again and

more. My brother died about that time and I told myself it was OK to

gain some weight, but then it just kept going on. Up and down, a

little, until a year ago I once again decided that this was IT and I had

to lose weight. I put myself on a strict regimen of no sugar, almost no

processed food, low sodium and tracked my nutritional intake very

carefully. For the most part, other than being really restrictive, I

liked eating that way. I felt really good, and I liked seeing that it

was possible to get all my daily requirements just through diet. I lost

40 lbs. But then we went on a cruise last summer, and I told myself it

was OK to eat whatever I wanted on the ship, but then I couldn't stop.

So here I am again, all the lost weight back on and a little more besides.

I just can't do this cycling anymore. I don't WANT to do it anymore. I

realized recently that I don't know how to eat normally at all. I'm

always either gaining or losing. I don't know how to just maintain

myself. I also realized I have an addictive/obsessive personality.

When I was getting buff, I was more or less addicted to exercise (and I

so miss being that fit!). When I was eating the ultra nutritional diet,

I was addicted to tracking everything. But I can't do that for the rest

of my life--I want to be hungry and eat without having to think about

portions, weighing it, tracking it, and judging it or myself. I'm sick

of thinking about food all the time, and having it run my life. I've

been treating food as both an enemy and a friend for so long, and I just

want it to be what it is--food.

I think I'm ready for this. I hope I'm ready for this. I'm at least

determined to stop weighing myself, stop tracking everything, and try to

just think about what I want to eat and how hungry I am. I do want to

lose weight (and I want to lose that desire, too), but more than that I

want to stop fighting with myself over food and treating it like an enemy.

Whew! It was very tiring to write all this. I do have some questions,

but I need to think about them because I'm not sure yet just what I need

to ask. Thank you all for being here. Just writing this all down has

been a little carthartic.

Jeannie