Re: Fathers BPD & Advice?

[Guest guest]

I didn't think about the feeling as if you need to ask permission from them,

when telling about life changes, that's a really good point. You and I do seem

like our backgrounds have a lot of similarities.

I don't know too much about the NPD. But something did hit me when I read your

reply... My dad doesn't have a " real " self. Perhaps his mannerisms, tastes in

food and so forth might be part of him, but it's like his disorders make up his

entire personality. He complains all the time that he doesn't know what he

wants to do with his life. When my dad is happy he's a straight up extremely

egotistical narcissist mixed with a psychotic neediness. AND when he's

unhappy... Turns goes into this rampage out to demolish whoever he perceives as

the " enemy " . Usually when I start to notice him sliding into the bad mode, I'll

start ticking him off so he'll focus on me instead of my mother. It's better

than him threatening divorce for the 14th time. At the same time he can get

disgustingly needy. Like earlier today, my father started doting on my mother

in this almost sickening baby voice telling her how pretty she is (he NEVER does

this), and my mother replied " ewww! gross stop it! " I am an extremely blunt

person and because of this my father thinks I hate him but I really don't give a

crap anymore. I replied, " That's because you are psychotically needy and when

you say that stuff it just sounds ughhh! It's creepy!! " My mother started

laughing. She gets upset with me when I get extremely blunt with him but most

of the time she loves to watch someone not take his crap for once.

At times though the sides seem totally fused together. For instance, as a

child... My father told me all these horrible awful stories about my mother, and

since I was old enough to understand, he's been convincing me of how awful my

mother was. Granted, she was physically abusive to me back then but she's not

really like that anymore. He turned me on her and convinced me she was evil or

something. As I got older I started putting the pieces together, especially

after I asked my mother about all of the stories he told me. None of them were

true. Horrifying story after horrifying story were all lies. I figure the

safest thing now is to not believe a single word he says. He had this almost

psychotic dependency on me, convincing me that my job was to take care of him.

He'd berate me with horrible stories about how bad of a person I was, how I was

going to be a loser, then told me I was crazy when I told officials in high

school how I was being treated. He wanted me to be nothing in life so I would

always be there for him, and always need him and his money. He would behave

like the classic " wealthy parent " (of which he was not) and would constantly

tell me how I was an embarrassment to him, how much money he had and that there

are life expectations on me that I must fulfill just because I am his daughter.

If I didn't give him what he wanted, he would go out on a rampage to destroy me

(sometimes it was my physical belongings). There were SO many times I ran up to

my room as fast as I could, locking all of the doors to keep him out, screaming

and begging for him to stop it, but eventually I'd always have to open the door

and be subjected to being completely terrorized. All during this, he would be

convincing me how absolutely wonderful he is and that I was just a complete

pain. After hours of being berated, I would just cave in and start believing

whatever he told me. I read up on brainwashing once and it was EXACTLY my

father... in the exact order too. Beat me down so bad that I felt messed up,

then he'd feed me his answer and then I'd feel better in the end like he somehow

helped me. Look it up on howstuffworks.com... breaks it down.

I married someone once because dad told me that this guy was better than me and

his dream son in law. Proudly boasted all the time, " Well, looks like

you are marryign your dad! " Turns out the guy was classic NPD and treated me

like I was less than dirt. One day dad decided after I was married he didn't

like him anymore, so he told me to divorce him. Then we actually decide to end

it, and my dad starts calling me literally begging me to stay with that guy. I

told him it was over. I walk into his house later on and he's sitting in the

living room chair crying his eyes out because that guy and I were breaking up.

He begged me and begged me to stay with him. It was extremely psychotic. He

was acting like it was his divorce. It was a bit like... his genetics marrying

a guy that was exactly like him was the closest thing he could get to marrying

himself, and divorcing himself was far too painful to bare.

Even while he's in his happy NPD mode, he still tries to mess with me... For

instance, telling me I'm not in his will at all and asking if that bothers me,

almost looking for a fight. I genuinely don't care about his money and I don't

want it. This tremendously bothers him. He gets this strange look on his face

when something was not to his liking. It's really hard to describe... He gets

it anytime I made a new friend, dated someone, wanted to do something that made

me happy, etc. It's like... jealousy, anger, possessiveness and controlling all

into one. He does it ANYTIME I make a move that shows I am my own person. He

hates that... He tries to hide it a lot of times but I know him inside and

out... I learned how to survive around him by reading him like a book and

anticipating every single move he made so I could be prepared.

Is it possible for a person to be equally NPD and BPD? Or could this be

something else?

> >

> > I am 25 years old and still living in my parents home. I am moving in with

my boyfriend in less than a month from now. Lucky for me, it's an hour away

from where my father lives. The week both of them found out, they gave me

complete h*ll over it. Even my 11 year old cousin said " Leave her alone!!! " It

was constant attacks at my character and capability for one full week. Then one

day my father approaches me and claims that I treat him like crap, and he starts

the victimizing himself cycle all over again. He blames me for starting fights,

claims he is a very peaceful and giving person. This version of himself I think

is maybe deep down what he wants to be sometimes, but it's not who he is at all.

Anyways, back to the point... He blames me for starting the fights, recounts the

story in a way that didn't actually happen, decides he wants to end the fights

so he can have a peaceful last month of me here, and starts to get excited that

I'm getting out of his house. My mother on the other hand, confessed to me

she's worried about being alone with him in this house. When my father is alone

with her, he will blow up on her (as in screaming), threaten divorce, try to

convince her she's crazy, etc.

> >

> > My dad makes up these stories in his head and he truly believes they

actually happened. He's delusional thinking he has more money than he does,

more intelligence, more capabilities, and that he's a better person than he

actually is. He goes around boasting, " I am probably the most giving person you

will ever meet. " More like the most traumatizing person I will ever meet... Is

this characteristic of BPDs? Delusion? I mean, he really believes these

stories he's made up in his head and they never even happened. He will call you

out on it and harass you over these things that never even happened. It's

really crazy.

> >

> > My father is now wanting a relationship with his mother... All because she

told him that she wishes she never had the two siblings he's always been jealous

of. It made him so giddy and happy, it was really kind of sick actually. If I

had been told that, I would have cried my eyes out and yelled at that person for

sharing something so incredibly awful with me. Instead, he gets super happy and

just starts bashing those two siblings even more. Now, he's got this egoistic

thing like he's better than both of them. In fact, out of the 6 total kids only

2 of them came out normal, all the others have psychological disorders.

> >

> >

> > I am planning to get married in October. I have been secretly planning an

elopement since April and have only told 2 people (now all of you haha). I have

absolutely no idea when to tell my father. I wish I could just never tell him

lol. Since I don't live with him anymore I won't know how to gauge it... but

he'll either completely flip out... or act like he's fine with it. Part of me

wants to wait until it's over to tell him but then the longer notice I give him,

the more he'll try to worm his way into it, or convince me to never get married.

See, he thinks that I shouldn't end up with anyone, be a complete loser who

can't take care of myself, all so he can have me at home forever and ever. They

were looking into buying a bigger house for the three of us, and that's what

prompted me to give in and tell them I'm moving out. As Sinatra said,

" The best revenge is success. "

> >

> >

> > I am probably not making much sense with all these random bits. How and

when do you tell a psychotically needy and delusional father about major life

changes?

> >

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