Caught in the middle

[Guest guest]

Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I

do what I can to help and then back away.

But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied and

gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life long

depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope with it.

Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this money

and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of your dreams. "

She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her she's

in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10 years, we'll be too old

to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We don't want to wait for " some

day. "

So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back that

I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like an

earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any

tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my husband

experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it " and do what

I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and sets off my

heart (that's a different issue).

[Guest guest]

I feel for you...but you need a life, and like you said, she could hang on

another 10 years , and then what ?? why should you have to wait until she's

gone to have a life...did she wait until her mother was gone before she

made a life for herself ?? NO...you deserve a life, dont let her sap it all

away...

Jackie

Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But

I do what I can to help and then back away.

But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied

and gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life

long depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope

with it. Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this

money and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of

your dreams. " She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep

telling her she's in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10

years, we'll be too old to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We

don't want to wait for " some day. "

So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back

that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like

an earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there

any tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my

husband experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it "

and do what I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and

sets off my heart (that's a different issue).

[Guest guest]

I feel for you...but you need a life, and like you said, she could hang on

another 10 years , and then what ?? why should you have to wait until she's

gone to have a life...did she wait until her mother was gone before she

made a life for herself ?? NO...you deserve a life, dont let her sap it all

away...

Jackie

Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But

I do what I can to help and then back away.

But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied

and gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life

long depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope

with it. Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this

money and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of

your dreams. " She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep

telling her she's in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10

years, we'll be too old to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We

don't want to wait for " some day. "

So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back

that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like

an earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there

any tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my

husband experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it "

and do what I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and

sets off my heart (that's a different issue).

[Guest guest]

I feel for you...but you need a life, and like you said, she could hang on

another 10 years , and then what ?? why should you have to wait until she's

gone to have a life...did she wait until her mother was gone before she

made a life for herself ?? NO...you deserve a life, dont let her sap it all

away...

Jackie

Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But

I do what I can to help and then back away.

But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied

and gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life

long depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope

with it. Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this

money and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of

your dreams. " She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep

telling her she's in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10

years, we'll be too old to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We

don't want to wait for " some day. "

So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back

that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like

an earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there

any tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my

husband experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it "

and do what I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and

sets off my heart (that's a different issue).

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I don't think a tactful way to do it is really what you're

looking for. With a normal parent, that wouldn't be a problem.

You could just say you're taking a trip and go and your mother

would be happy for you to do something you enjoy. With a nada,

what you're really asking for is probably a way to avoid drama.

That's usually not possible. I think the way to have a life of

your own is to stop doing what she wants and instead do what you

want whether or not that pleases her. She'll be upset, but it

sounds like she'll survive. If her doctors say she's in great

shape, that doesn't sound like she's dependent on you for health

reasons. Is there some reason that she really needs you every

week? If not, my advice is to simply tell her that you're going

to be travelling and the dates you'll be gone. If she acts up,

refuse to listen - tell her once that the subject isn't up for

discussion then walk away or hang up the phone. I've been doing

that with my nada for quite a while now, and it is the only way

of handling her that really works for me. If you try to justify

yourself to her or explain the reasons for your choices, she's

likely to argue with you for as long as you let her, probably

getting more and more emotional until you give in. If you don't

give her the opportunity to do that, you can short-circuit a lot

of the drama and stress. Acting that way isn't easy when you

first start doing it, but it gets easier as you get used to

doing it and as you set a pattern of standing firm rather than

giving in.

At 12:46 PM 07/21/2010 IreneM wrote:

>Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a

>week. She's 81, alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no

>friends, etc. She's her usual manipulative self, drama mama,

>hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I do what I can

>to help and then back away.

>

>But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to

>stay occupied and gradually learning to find some interests. He

>also suffers from life long depression. Has done everything he

>can over the years to learn to cope with it. Apparently this is

>as good as it will ever be.

>

>He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great

>but I feel trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone,

>you'll have all this money and you can do all those trips you

>want to do and buy the house of your dreams. " She says she's

>got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her

>she's in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10

>years, we'll be too old to travel to Scotland or Austria or go

>camping. We don't want to wait for " some day. "

>

>So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck

>to my back that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is

>gradually melting down like an earthworm on hot pavement. And

>it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any tactful way to

>just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my

>husband experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her

> " deal with it " and do what I want? I'm not good with conflict.

>Makes me physically ill and sets off my heart (that's a

>different issue).

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I don't think a tactful way to do it is really what you're

looking for. With a normal parent, that wouldn't be a problem.

You could just say you're taking a trip and go and your mother

would be happy for you to do something you enjoy. With a nada,

what you're really asking for is probably a way to avoid drama.

That's usually not possible. I think the way to have a life of

your own is to stop doing what she wants and instead do what you

want whether or not that pleases her. She'll be upset, but it

sounds like she'll survive. If her doctors say she's in great

shape, that doesn't sound like she's dependent on you for health

reasons. Is there some reason that she really needs you every

week? If not, my advice is to simply tell her that you're going

to be travelling and the dates you'll be gone. If she acts up,

refuse to listen - tell her once that the subject isn't up for

discussion then walk away or hang up the phone. I've been doing

that with my nada for quite a while now, and it is the only way

of handling her that really works for me. If you try to justify

yourself to her or explain the reasons for your choices, she's

likely to argue with you for as long as you let her, probably

getting more and more emotional until you give in. If you don't

give her the opportunity to do that, you can short-circuit a lot

of the drama and stress. Acting that way isn't easy when you

first start doing it, but it gets easier as you get used to

doing it and as you set a pattern of standing firm rather than

giving in.

At 12:46 PM 07/21/2010 IreneM wrote:

>Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a

>week. She's 81, alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no

>friends, etc. She's her usual manipulative self, drama mama,

>hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I do what I can

>to help and then back away.

>

>But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to

>stay occupied and gradually learning to find some interests. He

>also suffers from life long depression. Has done everything he

>can over the years to learn to cope with it. Apparently this is

>as good as it will ever be.

>

>He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great

>but I feel trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone,

>you'll have all this money and you can do all those trips you

>want to do and buy the house of your dreams. " She says she's

>got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her

>she's in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10

>years, we'll be too old to travel to Scotland or Austria or go

>camping. We don't want to wait for " some day. "

>

>So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck

>to my back that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is

>gradually melting down like an earthworm on hot pavement. And

>it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any tactful way to

>just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my

>husband experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her

> " deal with it " and do what I want? I'm not good with conflict.

>Makes me physically ill and sets off my heart (that's a

>different issue).

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I don't think a tactful way to do it is really what you're

looking for. With a normal parent, that wouldn't be a problem.

You could just say you're taking a trip and go and your mother

would be happy for you to do something you enjoy. With a nada,

what you're really asking for is probably a way to avoid drama.

That's usually not possible. I think the way to have a life of

your own is to stop doing what she wants and instead do what you

want whether or not that pleases her. She'll be upset, but it

sounds like she'll survive. If her doctors say she's in great

shape, that doesn't sound like she's dependent on you for health

reasons. Is there some reason that she really needs you every

week? If not, my advice is to simply tell her that you're going

to be travelling and the dates you'll be gone. If she acts up,

refuse to listen - tell her once that the subject isn't up for

discussion then walk away or hang up the phone. I've been doing

that with my nada for quite a while now, and it is the only way

of handling her that really works for me. If you try to justify

yourself to her or explain the reasons for your choices, she's

likely to argue with you for as long as you let her, probably

getting more and more emotional until you give in. If you don't

give her the opportunity to do that, you can short-circuit a lot

of the drama and stress. Acting that way isn't easy when you

first start doing it, but it gets easier as you get used to

doing it and as you set a pattern of standing firm rather than

giving in.

At 12:46 PM 07/21/2010 IreneM wrote:

>Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a

>week. She's 81, alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no

>friends, etc. She's her usual manipulative self, drama mama,

>hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I do what I can

>to help and then back away.

>

>But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to

>stay occupied and gradually learning to find some interests. He

>also suffers from life long depression. Has done everything he

>can over the years to learn to cope with it. Apparently this is

>as good as it will ever be.

>

>He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great

>but I feel trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone,

>you'll have all this money and you can do all those trips you

>want to do and buy the house of your dreams. " She says she's

>got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her

>she's in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10

>years, we'll be too old to travel to Scotland or Austria or go

>camping. We don't want to wait for " some day. "

>

>So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck

>to my back that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is

>gradually melting down like an earthworm on hot pavement. And

>it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any tactful way to

>just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my

>husband experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her

> " deal with it " and do what I want? I'm not good with conflict.

>Makes me physically ill and sets off my heart (that's a

>different issue).

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she knows

it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around whenever I'm

in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her medicine, or eat her

meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if I get testy, she can

be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at least

once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever - because

that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and can give

you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids should not have to

be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the airport, and

GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days because

I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but not

in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do whatever

we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own (someone mentioned

this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others company and we

want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough activities we do on

our own. But we want to do some special things like travel together. He may end

up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a medical group. I can't go

there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want to see some things before we're

too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good balance

so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she has when

she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem. One

time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each day. She

wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she was " too

busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would meet

us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more than 2

minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments like " You

know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a lot. " The baby was

excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she just wanted to talk

about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can be. We did our duty. She

won't be able to complain to the neighbors that she's never seen her great

grandson. She has no interest in him but she would still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been feeling

edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract surgery

scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops yesterday too.

But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time. She was

convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have to call for

an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10 minutes as she

shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting a tissue, where

should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the light switch, have to wash

hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally got the drop in and nothing

happened. Imagine how much fun the day of surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do I feel

when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think I'm doing

the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so demanding and cruel

and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties and deal

with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll have to

cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she knows

it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around whenever I'm

in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her medicine, or eat her

meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if I get testy, she can

be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at least

once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever - because

that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and can give

you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids should not have to

be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the airport, and

GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days because

I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but not

in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do whatever

we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own (someone mentioned

this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others company and we

want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough activities we do on

our own. But we want to do some special things like travel together. He may end

up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a medical group. I can't go

there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want to see some things before we're

too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good balance

so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she has when

she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem. One

time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each day. She

wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she was " too

busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would meet

us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more than 2

minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments like " You

know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a lot. " The baby was

excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she just wanted to talk

about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can be. We did our duty. She

won't be able to complain to the neighbors that she's never seen her great

grandson. She has no interest in him but she would still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been feeling

edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract surgery

scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops yesterday too.

But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time. She was

convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have to call for

an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10 minutes as she

shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting a tissue, where

should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the light switch, have to wash

hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally got the drop in and nothing

happened. Imagine how much fun the day of surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do I feel

when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think I'm doing

the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so demanding and cruel

and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties and deal

with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll have to

cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she knows

it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around whenever I'm

in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her medicine, or eat her

meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if I get testy, she can

be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at least

once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever - because

that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and can give

you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids should not have to

be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the airport, and

GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days because

I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but not

in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do whatever

we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own (someone mentioned

this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others company and we

want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough activities we do on

our own. But we want to do some special things like travel together. He may end

up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a medical group. I can't go

there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want to see some things before we're

too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good balance

so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she has when

she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem. One

time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each day. She

wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she was " too

busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would meet

us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more than 2

minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments like " You

know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a lot. " The baby was

excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she just wanted to talk

about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can be. We did our duty. She

won't be able to complain to the neighbors that she's never seen her great

grandson. She has no interest in him but she would still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been feeling

edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract surgery

scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops yesterday too.

But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time. She was

convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have to call for

an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10 minutes as she

shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting a tissue, where

should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the light switch, have to wash

hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally got the drop in and nothing

happened. Imagine how much fun the day of surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do I feel

when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think I'm doing

the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so demanding and cruel

and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties and deal

with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll have to

cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would be

drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu making

sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice home and

leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place where she

will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call all the

time.

proflaf

Subject: Re: Re: Caught in the middle

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 30, 2010, 3:56 AM

 

Irene,

I've thought about this a lot in the past few days. I can feel your pain -

the need to go and do before it's too late and the pulling of the maternal

cord as she tries to keep you home.

Several ideas I've had. One, I would get her a life alert button - the

" I've fallen and can't get up. " I realize she may refuse to wear it but you've

done your duty - you tried.

Two, I would find care-giving services in your area and contact them to

inquire about having someone available should she need to be driven someplace

when you aren't around to do it.

I know it's hard, but you have to go. Realistically (and I know how

difficult this is for us KOs) I would look at it this way: What can she do to

you? Really, not much but scream and yell and make you miserable.

Sure, she could pull a stanker - that's our family's ish term for

faking an injury. She probably will. My own nada did the night before we left

to head out west for a month - pretended to fall. Only trouble is, she was

with our daughter, and daughter didn't tell us until we were two states away

because she knew it was a stanker.

But if you have people lined up to help, then they can handle it without

you.

Also, you might want to consider a geriatric care manager, if your mom has

the finances for this.

My heart breaks at the thought of you and your husband not being able to

fulfill your dreams because of a crazy old bat. So I agree - spread your

wings and go!

In a message dated 7/29/2010 9:09:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she

knows it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around

whenever I'm in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her

medicine, or eat her meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if I

get testy, she can be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at

least once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever -

because that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and

can give you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids

should not have to be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the

airport, and GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days

because I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but

not in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do

whatever we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own

(someone mentioned this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others

company and we want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough

activities we do on our own. But we want to do some special things like

travel together. He may end up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a

medical group. I can't go there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want

to see some things before we're too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good

balance so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she

has when she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still

disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem.

One time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each

day. She wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she

was " too busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would

meet us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more

than 2 minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments

like " You know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a

lot. " The baby was excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she

just wanted to talk about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can

be. We did our duty. She won't be able to complain to the neighbors that

she's never seen her great grandson. She has no interest in him but she would

still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been

feeling edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract

surgery scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops

yesterday too. But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time.

She was convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have

to call for an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10

minutes as she shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting

a tissue, where should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the

light switch, have to wash hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally

got the drop in and nothing happened. Imagine how much fun the day of

surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do

I feel when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think

I'm doing the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so

demanding and cruel and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties

and deal with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll

have to cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would be

drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu making

sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice home and

leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place where she

will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call all the

time.

proflaf

Subject: Re: Re: Caught in the middle

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 30, 2010, 3:56 AM

 

Irene,

I've thought about this a lot in the past few days. I can feel your pain -

the need to go and do before it's too late and the pulling of the maternal

cord as she tries to keep you home.

Several ideas I've had. One, I would get her a life alert button - the

" I've fallen and can't get up. " I realize she may refuse to wear it but you've

done your duty - you tried.

Two, I would find care-giving services in your area and contact them to

inquire about having someone available should she need to be driven someplace

when you aren't around to do it.

I know it's hard, but you have to go. Realistically (and I know how

difficult this is for us KOs) I would look at it this way: What can she do to

you? Really, not much but scream and yell and make you miserable.

Sure, she could pull a stanker - that's our family's ish term for

faking an injury. She probably will. My own nada did the night before we left

to head out west for a month - pretended to fall. Only trouble is, she was

with our daughter, and daughter didn't tell us until we were two states away

because she knew it was a stanker.

But if you have people lined up to help, then they can handle it without

you.

Also, you might want to consider a geriatric care manager, if your mom has

the finances for this.

My heart breaks at the thought of you and your husband not being able to

fulfill your dreams because of a crazy old bat. So I agree - spread your

wings and go!

In a message dated 7/29/2010 9:09:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she

knows it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around

whenever I'm in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her

medicine, or eat her meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if I

get testy, she can be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at

least once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever -

because that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and

can give you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids

should not have to be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the

airport, and GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days

because I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but

not in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do

whatever we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own

(someone mentioned this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others

company and we want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough

activities we do on our own. But we want to do some special things like

travel together. He may end up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a

medical group. I can't go there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want

to see some things before we're too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good

balance so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she

has when she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still

disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem.

One time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each

day. She wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she

was " too busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would

meet us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more

than 2 minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments

like " You know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a

lot. " The baby was excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she

just wanted to talk about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can

be. We did our duty. She won't be able to complain to the neighbors that

she's never seen her great grandson. She has no interest in him but she would

still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been

feeling edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract

surgery scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops

yesterday too. But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time.

She was convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have

to call for an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10

minutes as she shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting

a tissue, where should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the

light switch, have to wash hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally

got the drop in and nothing happened. Imagine how much fun the day of

surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do

I feel when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think

I'm doing the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so

demanding and cruel and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties

and deal with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll

have to cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would be

drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu making

sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice home and

leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place where she

will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call all the

time.

proflaf

Subject: Re: Re: Caught in the middle

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 30, 2010, 3:56 AM

 

Irene,

I've thought about this a lot in the past few days. I can feel your pain -

the need to go and do before it's too late and the pulling of the maternal

cord as she tries to keep you home.

Several ideas I've had. One, I would get her a life alert button - the

" I've fallen and can't get up. " I realize she may refuse to wear it but you've

done your duty - you tried.

Two, I would find care-giving services in your area and contact them to

inquire about having someone available should she need to be driven someplace

when you aren't around to do it.

I know it's hard, but you have to go. Realistically (and I know how

difficult this is for us KOs) I would look at it this way: What can she do to

you? Really, not much but scream and yell and make you miserable.

Sure, she could pull a stanker - that's our family's ish term for

faking an injury. She probably will. My own nada did the night before we left

to head out west for a month - pretended to fall. Only trouble is, she was

with our daughter, and daughter didn't tell us until we were two states away

because she knew it was a stanker.

But if you have people lined up to help, then they can handle it without

you.

Also, you might want to consider a geriatric care manager, if your mom has

the finances for this.

My heart breaks at the thought of you and your husband not being able to

fulfill your dreams because of a crazy old bat. So I agree - spread your

wings and go!

In a message dated 7/29/2010 9:09:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she

knows it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around

whenever I'm in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her

medicine, or eat her meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if I

get testy, she can be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at

least once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever -

because that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and

can give you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids

should not have to be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the

airport, and GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days

because I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but

not in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do

whatever we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own

(someone mentioned this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others

company and we want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough

activities we do on our own. But we want to do some special things like

travel together. He may end up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a

medical group. I can't go there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want

to see some things before we're too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good

balance so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she

has when she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still

disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem.

One time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each

day. She wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she

was " too busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would

meet us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more

than 2 minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments

like " You know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a

lot. " The baby was excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she

just wanted to talk about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can

be. We did our duty. She won't be able to complain to the neighbors that

she's never seen her great grandson. She has no interest in him but she would

still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been

feeling edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract

surgery scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops

yesterday too. But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time.

She was convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have

to call for an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10

minutes as she shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting

a tissue, where should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the

light switch, have to wash hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally

got the drop in and nothing happened. Imagine how much fun the day of

surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do

I feel when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think

I'm doing the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so

demanding and cruel and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties

and deal with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll

have to cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. I'm tired of saying " we've tried this and it didn't work. " But. . . .

we've tried to encourage her to get involved with groups of people her age. We

went through all the hoops for her to ride the small local bus that comes to the

house and takes you where you need to go. She rode it once and complained about

it the whole time, still complains about it - too noisy, too bumpy, took too

long to get there, picked up other people which took her out of her way. For

months after my Dad died we drove across the river to her place and took her to

her church. Hoped to have her connect with some of the single women there and go

out to lunch or whatever. She didn't like that. The kids were too noisy in

church, the volunteer things were boring, the one woman that has asked her out

to lunch several times - she won't go with her because she thinks the woman is a

lesbian after her body. LMAO We've talked about various groups that could send

someone out to clean her house once a week or even once a month. Nope, she keeps

saying she'll get herself together and clean things up. It's been 2 years. I

think that's an awful long time and the floors and bathrooms show it. Yuck.

I guess I'm tired of pushing her and getting pushed back. If she wants to live

in a house with crusty toilets, dog food matted on the carpet and dog pee here

and there, that's her choice. I just refuse to stay there with her. She had her

cataract surgery yesterday and they prefer the patient have someone stay with

them. I just couldn't. I did what I could to help around the house and then went

home. She was fine with that.

So, sorry for being such a party pooper. We have tried.

>

> Is there an adult day care facility in your area.  My nada went to Senior

World.  Our County has a small bus (handicap acces. )  that picked her up and

brought her home.  The charge was on a sliding scale depending on nada's

finances. We also had Lutheran Social Service come in and clean/ do  laundry/

, take her to appts..  (this was also on a sliding financial scale)  This

worked for 2 yrs.   Good luck

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. I'm tired of saying " we've tried this and it didn't work. " But. . . .

we've tried to encourage her to get involved with groups of people her age. We

went through all the hoops for her to ride the small local bus that comes to the

house and takes you where you need to go. She rode it once and complained about

it the whole time, still complains about it - too noisy, too bumpy, took too

long to get there, picked up other people which took her out of her way. For

months after my Dad died we drove across the river to her place and took her to

her church. Hoped to have her connect with some of the single women there and go

out to lunch or whatever. She didn't like that. The kids were too noisy in

church, the volunteer things were boring, the one woman that has asked her out

to lunch several times - she won't go with her because she thinks the woman is a

lesbian after her body. LMAO We've talked about various groups that could send

someone out to clean her house once a week or even once a month. Nope, she keeps

saying she'll get herself together and clean things up. It's been 2 years. I

think that's an awful long time and the floors and bathrooms show it. Yuck.

I guess I'm tired of pushing her and getting pushed back. If she wants to live

in a house with crusty toilets, dog food matted on the carpet and dog pee here

and there, that's her choice. I just refuse to stay there with her. She had her

cataract surgery yesterday and they prefer the patient have someone stay with

them. I just couldn't. I did what I could to help around the house and then went

home. She was fine with that.

So, sorry for being such a party pooper. We have tried.

>

> Is there an adult day care facility in your area.  My nada went to Senior

World.  Our County has a small bus (handicap acces. )  that picked her up and

brought her home.  The charge was on a sliding scale depending on nada's

finances. We also had Lutheran Social Service come in and clean/ do  laundry/

, take her to appts..  (this was also on a sliding financial scale)  This

worked for 2 yrs.   Good luck

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you. I'm tired of saying " we've tried this and it didn't work. " But. . . .

we've tried to encourage her to get involved with groups of people her age. We

went through all the hoops for her to ride the small local bus that comes to the

house and takes you where you need to go. She rode it once and complained about

it the whole time, still complains about it - too noisy, too bumpy, took too

long to get there, picked up other people which took her out of her way. For

months after my Dad died we drove across the river to her place and took her to

her church. Hoped to have her connect with some of the single women there and go

out to lunch or whatever. She didn't like that. The kids were too noisy in

church, the volunteer things were boring, the one woman that has asked her out

to lunch several times - she won't go with her because she thinks the woman is a

lesbian after her body. LMAO We've talked about various groups that could send

someone out to clean her house once a week or even once a month. Nope, she keeps

saying she'll get herself together and clean things up. It's been 2 years. I

think that's an awful long time and the floors and bathrooms show it. Yuck.

I guess I'm tired of pushing her and getting pushed back. If she wants to live

in a house with crusty toilets, dog food matted on the carpet and dog pee here

and there, that's her choice. I just refuse to stay there with her. She had her

cataract surgery yesterday and they prefer the patient have someone stay with

them. I just couldn't. I did what I could to help around the house and then went

home. She was fine with that.

So, sorry for being such a party pooper. We have tried.

>

> Is there an adult day care facility in your area.  My nada went to Senior

World.  Our County has a small bus (handicap acces. )  that picked her up and

brought her home.  The charge was on a sliding scale depending on nada's

finances. We also had Lutheran Social Service come in and clean/ do  laundry/

, take her to appts..  (this was also on a sliding financial scale)  This

worked for 2 yrs.   Good luck

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with a

dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various places,

etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to go get

clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards (food

left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is released from

the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told is that I have

to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to have her

declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of my

retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove what

is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the judge

and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she really

CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something really

egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in and

take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is refuse to

be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up after her,

or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a nursing home.

Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she gets

the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else in the process.

> >

> > Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would

be drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu

making sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice home

and leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place where

she will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call all the

time.

> > proflaf

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with a

dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various places,

etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to go get

clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards (food

left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is released from

the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told is that I have

to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to have her

declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of my

retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove what

is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the judge

and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she really

CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something really

egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in and

take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is refuse to

be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up after her,

or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a nursing home.

Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she gets

the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else in the process.

> >

> > Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would

be drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu

making sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice home

and leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place where

she will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call all the

time.

> > proflaf

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The degree of filth you describe really is a health hazard to both your mother

and to the neighborhood as rotting garbage, animal waste and rotting animal

carcasses (in the case of animal hoarders) attracts disease-carrying rats and

cockroaches to the premises.

Hopefully if her house is really rancid and stinking, her neighbors will begin

to complain about the smell and will call social services to come and

investigate her and her property. Isn't it usually neighbors who alert social

services on the " Hoarders " reality TV show?

-Annie

>

> I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with a

dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various places,

etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to go get

clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards (food

left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is released from

the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told is that I have

to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to have her

declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of my

retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove what

is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the judge

and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she really

CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something really

egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in and

take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is refuse to

be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up after her,

or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a nursing home.

Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she gets

the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else in the process.

>

>

[Guest guest]

The degree of filth you describe really is a health hazard to both your mother

and to the neighborhood as rotting garbage, animal waste and rotting animal

carcasses (in the case of animal hoarders) attracts disease-carrying rats and

cockroaches to the premises.

Hopefully if her house is really rancid and stinking, her neighbors will begin

to complain about the smell and will call social services to come and

investigate her and her property. Isn't it usually neighbors who alert social

services on the " Hoarders " reality TV show?

-Annie

>

> I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with a

dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various places,

etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to go get

clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards (food

left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is released from

the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told is that I have

to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to have her

declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of my

retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove what

is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the judge

and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she really

CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something really

egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in and

take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is refuse to

be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up after her,

or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a nursing home.

Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she gets

the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else in the process.

>

>

[Guest guest]

The degree of filth you describe really is a health hazard to both your mother

and to the neighborhood as rotting garbage, animal waste and rotting animal

carcasses (in the case of animal hoarders) attracts disease-carrying rats and

cockroaches to the premises.

Hopefully if her house is really rancid and stinking, her neighbors will begin

to complain about the smell and will call social services to come and

investigate her and her property. Isn't it usually neighbors who alert social

services on the " Hoarders " reality TV show?

-Annie

>

> I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with a

dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various places,

etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to go get

clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards (food

left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is released from

the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told is that I have

to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to have her

declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of my

retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove what

is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the judge

and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she really

CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something really

egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in and

take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is refuse to

be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up after her,

or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a nursing home.

Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she gets

the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else in the process.

>

>