Caught in the middle

[Guest guest]

Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I

do what I can to help and then back away.

But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied and

gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life long

depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope with it.

Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this money

and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of your dreams. "

She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her she's

in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10 years, we'll be too old

to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We don't want to wait for " some

day. "

So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back that

I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like an

earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any

tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my husband

experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it " and do what

I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and sets off my

heart (that's a different issue).

[Guest guest]

Irene, I agree with everyone else that you have the right to live your life,

which includes trips. It's not like you are pushing her out on an ice floe into

the Arctic. But that's what they act like when we disappoint their plans of how

we should support their lives. I can relate to your difficulty because I also

have a hard time dealing with my nada's anger and will do a great deal to avoid

it. I'm guessing it is the same with you or you would have told her to stuff it

by now. Ask yourself what happens when she gets angry/disappointed that's so

awful that it controls your choices? Is it guilt in you or fear of what she

would do?

And just a side thought, but it's not like your husband can't enjoy a trip by

himself or with someone else too. Is he also making your responsible for his

happiness? Trips can be short things, a weekend here, three days there - it's

not like you are trying to move to Europe! (not that there's anything wrong

with that)

>

> Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I

do what I can to help and then back away.

>

> But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied and

gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life long

depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope with it.

Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

>

> He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this money

and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of your dreams. "

She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her she's

in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10 years, we'll be too old

to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We don't want to wait for " some

day. "

>

> So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back

that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like an

earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any

tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my husband

experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it " and do what

I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and sets off my

heart (that's a different issue).

>

[Guest guest]

Irene, I agree with everyone else that you have the right to live your life,

which includes trips. It's not like you are pushing her out on an ice floe into

the Arctic. But that's what they act like when we disappoint their plans of how

we should support their lives. I can relate to your difficulty because I also

have a hard time dealing with my nada's anger and will do a great deal to avoid

it. I'm guessing it is the same with you or you would have told her to stuff it

by now. Ask yourself what happens when she gets angry/disappointed that's so

awful that it controls your choices? Is it guilt in you or fear of what she

would do?

And just a side thought, but it's not like your husband can't enjoy a trip by

himself or with someone else too. Is he also making your responsible for his

happiness? Trips can be short things, a weekend here, three days there - it's

not like you are trying to move to Europe! (not that there's anything wrong

with that)

>

> Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I

do what I can to help and then back away.

>

> But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied and

gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life long

depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope with it.

Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

>

> He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this money

and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of your dreams. "

She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her she's

in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10 years, we'll be too old

to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We don't want to wait for " some

day. "

>

> So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back

that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like an

earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any

tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my husband

experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it " and do what

I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and sets off my

heart (that's a different issue).

>

[Guest guest]

Irene, I agree with everyone else that you have the right to live your life,

which includes trips. It's not like you are pushing her out on an ice floe into

the Arctic. But that's what they act like when we disappoint their plans of how

we should support their lives. I can relate to your difficulty because I also

have a hard time dealing with my nada's anger and will do a great deal to avoid

it. I'm guessing it is the same with you or you would have told her to stuff it

by now. Ask yourself what happens when she gets angry/disappointed that's so

awful that it controls your choices? Is it guilt in you or fear of what she

would do?

And just a side thought, but it's not like your husband can't enjoy a trip by

himself or with someone else too. Is he also making your responsible for his

happiness? Trips can be short things, a weekend here, three days there - it's

not like you are trying to move to Europe! (not that there's anything wrong

with that)

>

> Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a week. She's 81,

alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no friends, etc. She's her usual

manipulative self, drama mama, hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I

do what I can to help and then back away.

>

> But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to stay occupied and

gradually learning to find some interests. He also suffers from life long

depression. Has done everything he can over the years to learn to cope with it.

Apparently this is as good as it will ever be.

>

> He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great but I feel

trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone, you'll have all this money

and you can do all those trips you want to do and buy the house of your dreams. "

She says she's got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her she's

in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10 years, we'll be too old

to travel to Scotland or Austria or go camping. We don't want to wait for " some

day. "

>

> So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck to my back

that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is gradually melting down like an

earthworm on hot pavement. And it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any

tactful way to just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my husband

experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her " deal with it " and do what

I want? I'm not good with conflict. Makes me physically ill and sets off my

heart (that's a different issue).

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I've thought about this a lot in the past few days. I can feel your pain -

the need to go and do before it's too late and the pulling of the maternal

cord as she tries to keep you home.

Several ideas I've had. One, I would get her a life alert button - the

" I've fallen and can't get up. " I realize she may refuse to wear it but you've

done your duty - you tried.

Two, I would find care-giving services in your area and contact them to

inquire about having someone available should she need to be driven someplace

when you aren't around to do it.

I know it's hard, but you have to go. Realistically (and I know how

difficult this is for us KOs) I would look at it this way: What can she do to

you? Really, not much but scream and yell and make you miserable.

Sure, she could pull a stanker - that's our family's ish term for

faking an injury. She probably will. My own nada did the night before we left

to head out west for a month - pretended to fall. Only trouble is, she was

with our daughter, and daughter didn't tell us until we were two states away

because she knew it was a stanker.

But if you have people lined up to help, then they can handle it without

you.

Also, you might want to consider a geriatric care manager, if your mom has

the finances for this.

My heart breaks at the thought of you and your husband not being able to

fulfill your dreams because of a crazy old bat. So I agree - spread your

wings and go!

In a message dated 7/29/2010 9:09:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she

knows it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around

whenever I'm in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her

medicine, or eat her meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if

I

get testy, she can be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at

least once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever -

because that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and

can give you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids

should not have to be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the

airport, and GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days

because I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but

not in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do

whatever we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own

(someone mentioned this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each

others

company and we want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough

activities we do on our own. But we want to do some special things like

travel together. He may end up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a

medical group. I can't go there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want

to see some things before we're too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good

balance so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she

has when she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still

disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem.

One time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each

day. She wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she

was " too busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would

meet us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more

than 2 minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments

like " You know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a

lot. " The baby was excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she

just wanted to talk about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can

be. We did our duty. She won't be able to complain to the neighbors that

she's never seen her great grandson. She has no interest in him but she would

still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been

feeling edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract

surgery scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops

yesterday too. But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time.

She was convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have

to call for an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10

minutes as she shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting

a tissue, where should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the

light switch, have to wash hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally

got the drop in and nothing happened. Imagine how much fun the day of

surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do

I feel when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think

I'm doing the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so

demanding and cruel and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties

and deal with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll

have to cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I've thought about this a lot in the past few days. I can feel your pain -

the need to go and do before it's too late and the pulling of the maternal

cord as she tries to keep you home.

Several ideas I've had. One, I would get her a life alert button - the

" I've fallen and can't get up. " I realize she may refuse to wear it but you've

done your duty - you tried.

Two, I would find care-giving services in your area and contact them to

inquire about having someone available should she need to be driven someplace

when you aren't around to do it.

I know it's hard, but you have to go. Realistically (and I know how

difficult this is for us KOs) I would look at it this way: What can she do to

you? Really, not much but scream and yell and make you miserable.

Sure, she could pull a stanker - that's our family's ish term for

faking an injury. She probably will. My own nada did the night before we left

to head out west for a month - pretended to fall. Only trouble is, she was

with our daughter, and daughter didn't tell us until we were two states away

because she knew it was a stanker.

But if you have people lined up to help, then they can handle it without

you.

Also, you might want to consider a geriatric care manager, if your mom has

the finances for this.

My heart breaks at the thought of you and your husband not being able to

fulfill your dreams because of a crazy old bat. So I agree - spread your

wings and go!

In a message dated 7/29/2010 9:09:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she

knows it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around

whenever I'm in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her

medicine, or eat her meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if

I

get testy, she can be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at

least once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever -

because that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and

can give you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids

should not have to be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the

airport, and GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days

because I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but

not in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do

whatever we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own

(someone mentioned this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each

others

company and we want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough

activities we do on our own. But we want to do some special things like

travel together. He may end up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a

medical group. I can't go there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want

to see some things before we're too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good

balance so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she

has when she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still

disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem.

One time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each

day. She wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she

was " too busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would

meet us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more

than 2 minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments

like " You know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a

lot. " The baby was excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she

just wanted to talk about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can

be. We did our duty. She won't be able to complain to the neighbors that

she's never seen her great grandson. She has no interest in him but she would

still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been

feeling edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract

surgery scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops

yesterday too. But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time.

She was convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have

to call for an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10

minutes as she shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting

a tissue, where should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the

light switch, have to wash hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally

got the drop in and nothing happened. Imagine how much fun the day of

surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do

I feel when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think

I'm doing the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so

demanding and cruel and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties

and deal with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll

have to cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I've thought about this a lot in the past few days. I can feel your pain -

the need to go and do before it's too late and the pulling of the maternal

cord as she tries to keep you home.

Several ideas I've had. One, I would get her a life alert button - the

" I've fallen and can't get up. " I realize she may refuse to wear it but you've

done your duty - you tried.

Two, I would find care-giving services in your area and contact them to

inquire about having someone available should she need to be driven someplace

when you aren't around to do it.

I know it's hard, but you have to go. Realistically (and I know how

difficult this is for us KOs) I would look at it this way: What can she do to

you? Really, not much but scream and yell and make you miserable.

Sure, she could pull a stanker - that's our family's ish term for

faking an injury. She probably will. My own nada did the night before we left

to head out west for a month - pretended to fall. Only trouble is, she was

with our daughter, and daughter didn't tell us until we were two states away

because she knew it was a stanker.

But if you have people lined up to help, then they can handle it without

you.

Also, you might want to consider a geriatric care manager, if your mom has

the finances for this.

My heart breaks at the thought of you and your husband not being able to

fulfill your dreams because of a crazy old bat. So I agree - spread your

wings and go!

In a message dated 7/29/2010 9:09:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she

knows it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around

whenever I'm in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her

medicine, or eat her meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if

I

get testy, she can be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at

least once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever -

because that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and

can give you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids

should not have to be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the

airport, and GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days

because I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but

not in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do

whatever we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own

(someone mentioned this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each

others

company and we want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough

activities we do on our own. But we want to do some special things like

travel together. He may end up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a

medical group. I can't go there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want

to see some things before we're too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good

balance so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she

has when she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still

disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem.

One time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each

day. She wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she

was " too busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would

meet us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more

than 2 minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments

like " You know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a

lot. " The baby was excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she

just wanted to talk about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can

be. We did our duty. She won't be able to complain to the neighbors that

she's never seen her great grandson. She has no interest in him but she would

still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been

feeling edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract

surgery scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops

yesterday too. But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time.

She was convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have

to call for an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10

minutes as she shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting

a tissue, where should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the

light switch, have to wash hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally

got the drop in and nothing happened. Imagine how much fun the day of

surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do

I feel when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think

I'm doing the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so

demanding and cruel and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties

and deal with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll

have to cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

phine - that's excellent insight. I never made the connection. I have

discovered that the more I try to explain something to nada, the more flustered

and defensive she gets. Like today at her cataract surgery. The doctor and I

both made it clear she was not to eat or drink after midnight before surgery. I

even typed up the notes in large print. She told me this morning she was able to

take her pills with just the sip of water, didn't need the pudding she usually

uses. Got to the clinic and she told them she had a little bit of pudding. I

almost came unglued, reminded her that she told ME she didn't eat pudding, that

the directions I had typed out clearly said no food or drink after midnight. She

got all weird and acted like a helpless child. At that point I just shut up and

let the nurses deal with her.

When my Dad was dying, she would get angry with us for moving too fast, doing

too much. She just wanted us to sit and listen to her talk. Uh-uh, not when my

Dad is full of poop or sick or needing to be turned.

I know now to keep it short when explaining things and just keep my mouth shut

at other times.

>

> it's amazing to me how so much of what people do when dealing with these nadas

is so similar to dealing with toddlers. I have 2 nephews and nieces who are all

in the 1-3 range and that is EXACTLY how I have to deal with them sometimes,

mostly the 2 year old little boy. He has sensory issues and actually the more

stimulation you put into him (explaining, reasoning, etc) the more stressed out

he gets and the more likely he is to have a meltdown.

>

[Guest guest]

Is there an adult day care facility in your area.  My nada went to Senior

World.  Our County has a small bus (handicap acces. )  that picked her up and

brought her home.  The charge was on a sliding scale depending on nada's

finances. We also had Lutheran Social Service come in and clean/ do  laundry/

, take her to appts..  (this was also on a sliding financial scale)  This

worked for 2 yrs.   Good luck

Subject: Re: Re: Caught in the middle

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 30, 2010, 3:56 AM

 

Irene,

I've thought about this a lot in the past few days. I can feel your pain -

the need to go and do before it's too late and the pulling of the maternal

cord as she tries to keep you home.

Several ideas I've had. One, I would get her a life alert button - the

" I've fallen and can't get up. " I realize she may refuse to wear it but you've

done your duty - you tried.

Two, I would find care-giving services in your area and contact them to

inquire about having someone available should she need to be driven someplace

when you aren't around to do it.

I know it's hard, but you have to go. Realistically (and I know how

difficult this is for us KOs) I would look at it this way: What can she do to

you? Really, not much but scream and yell and make you miserable.

Sure, she could pull a stanker - that's our family's ish term for

faking an injury. She probably will. My own nada did the night before we left

to head out west for a month - pretended to fall. Only trouble is, she was

with our daughter, and daughter didn't tell us until we were two states away

because she knew it was a stanker.

But if you have people lined up to help, then they can handle it without

you.

Also, you might want to consider a geriatric care manager, if your mom has

the finances for this.

My heart breaks at the thought of you and your husband not being able to

fulfill your dreams because of a crazy old bat. So I agree - spread your

wings and go!

In a message dated 7/29/2010 9:09:40 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

talexander73@... writes:

Irene - Yep, the big girl panties should do the trick! YOU know she's just

doing what it takes to be the center of your world. Deep down inside, she

knows it too. My mom does this same elaborate ballet of putzing around

whenever I'm in her company, being too slow and incompetent to take her

medicine, or eat her meal, or whatever she's supposed to be doing, and then if I

get testy, she can be the victim of my bad temper, yada, yada...

I think that instead of getting your kids roped in, you should try, at

least once, to get an outside sitter, or respite care giver, or whatever -

because that person will not be guilted into putting up with Nada's crap, and

can give you a valid " reality check " when you return. Also, your kids

should not have to be in line to be Nada's next generation of servants.

Hire somebody to look in on her. Then get in the car, drive to the

airport, and GO already!

Bon voyage,

>

> Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days

because I've been feeling edgy and tired.

>

> In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but

not in big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do

whatever we want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own

(someone mentioned this idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others

company and we want to make memories together, not apart. We have enough

activities we do on our own. But we want to do some special things like

travel together. He may end up going to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a

medical group. I can't go there because of the altitude. Otherwise we want

to see some things before we're too old.

>

> Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good

balance so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she

has when she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still

disrupts our life.

>

> We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a

start. Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem.

One time we took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each

day. She wouldn't answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she

was " too busy. " That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

>

> Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would

meet us at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more

than 2 minutes commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments

like " You know I wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a

lot. " The baby was excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she

just wanted to talk about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can

be. We did our duty. She won't be able to complain to the neighbors that

she's never seen her great grandson. She has no interest in him but she would

still complain.

>

> One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been

feeling edgy. Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract

surgery scheduled for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops

yesterday too. But she refused to take them unless I was there the first time.

She was convinced she was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have

to call for an ambulance. Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10

minutes as she shuffled from one place to another washing her hands, getting

a tissue, where should she sit, how about a light, oops - touched the

light switch, have to wash hands again. On and on it went. Of course I finally

got the drop in and nothing happened. Imagine how much fun the day of

surgery will be.

>

> Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do

I feel when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think

I'm doing the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so

demanding and cruel and unreasonable.

>

> Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties

and deal with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll

have to cope with the consequences.

>

[Guest guest]

That's interesting because I've had other people tell me to get her into

assisted living so she would be taken care of and all I would have to do is

visit when I feel like it. But how do you just put someone in a home? She's

coherent, has all her marbles even if they are a bit loose and rattling around.

I can't do a thing until the doctors say she's unable to care for herself. Then

the power of attorney would kick in.

>

> Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would

be drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu

making sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice home

and leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place where

she will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call all the

time.

> proflaf

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

That sounds so similar to my Nada. She refused all practical suggestions and

went downhill after my father's death, living in clutter and cat filth, starving

herself. Complaining all the while, not appreciating the helpful offers of

friends and church members. Now she is in a nursing home, declining, and my

sister is trying to sort through the house, after Nada's friends took her cats

and cleaned the carpets. She complained about the mess they made (clutter

stacked elsewhere), and they wouldn't even accept any money. One room had to be

shampooed 6 times. My sister and I have worried about the neighbors thinking

badly of us for allowing her to live in these conditions, but she refused help,

and was competent to make decisions. She only went to the nursing home for

" rehab " one week ago, from the hospital, at my sister's insistence. The doctor

was ready to send her home...

Joanna

PS. if you are able to do a little traveling, and would enjoy it, i hope you

are able to do so. We KO's deserve some fun. it's so hard dealing with the

bloodsucking emotions of a nada.

> >

> > Is there an adult day care facility in your area.  My nada went to Senior

World.  Our County has a small bus (handicap acces. )  that picked her up and

brought her home.  The charge was on a sliding scale depending on nada's

finances. We also had Lutheran Social Service come in and clean/ do  laundry/

, take her to appts..  (this was also on a sliding financial scale)  This

worked for 2 yrs.   Good luck

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with a

dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various places,

etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to go get

clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards (food

left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is released from

the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told is that I have

to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to have her

declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of my

retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove what

is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the judge

and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she really

CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something really

egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in and

take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is refuse to

be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up after her,

or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a nursing home.

Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she gets

the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else in the process.

> >

> > Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would

be drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu

making sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice home

and leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place where

she will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call all the

time.

> > proflaf

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I hear you - been there, done that. My husband has always said " she

wants you and only you. "

Sent from my blueberry.

>

> Thank you. I'm tired of saying " we've tried this and it didn't

> work. " But. . . . we've tried to encourage her to get involved with

> groups of people her age. We went through all the hoops for her to

> ride the small local bus that comes to the house and takes you where

> you need to go. She rode it once and complained about it the whole

> time, still complains about it - too noisy, too bumpy, took too long

> to get there, picked up other people which took her out of her way.

> For months after my Dad died we drove across the river to her place

> and took her to her church. Hoped to have her connect with some of

> the single women there and go out to lunch or whatever. She didn't

> like that. The kids were too noisy in church, the volunteer things

> were boring, the one woman that has asked her out to lunch several

> times - she won't go with her because she thinks the woman is a

> lesbian after her body. LMAO We've talked about various groups that

> could send someone out to clean her house once a week or even once a

> month. Nope, she keeps saying she'll get herself together and clean

> things up. It's been 2 years. I think that's an awful long time and

> the floors and bathrooms show it. Yuck.

>

> I guess I'm tired of pushing her and getting pushed back. If she

> wants to live in a house with crusty toilets, dog food matted on the

> carpet and dog pee here and there, that's her choice. I just refuse

> to stay there with her. She had her cataract surgery yesterday and

> they prefer the patient have someone stay with them. I just

> couldn't. I did what

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I hear you - been there, done that. My husband has always said " she

wants you and only you. "

Sent from my blueberry.

>

> Thank you. I'm tired of saying " we've tried this and it didn't

> work. " But. . . . we've tried to encourage her to get involved with

> groups of people her age. We went through all the hoops for her to

> ride the small local bus that comes to the house and takes you where

> you need to go. She rode it once and complained about it the whole

> time, still complains about it - too noisy, too bumpy, took too long

> to get there, picked up other people which took her out of her way.

> For months after my Dad died we drove across the river to her place

> and took her to her church. Hoped to have her connect with some of

> the single women there and go out to lunch or whatever. She didn't

> like that. The kids were too noisy in church, the volunteer things

> were boring, the one woman that has asked her out to lunch several

> times - she won't go with her because she thinks the woman is a

> lesbian after her body. LMAO We've talked about various groups that

> could send someone out to clean her house once a week or even once a

> month. Nope, she keeps saying she'll get herself together and clean

> things up. It's been 2 years. I think that's an awful long time and

> the floors and bathrooms show it. Yuck.

>

> I guess I'm tired of pushing her and getting pushed back. If she

> wants to live in a house with crusty toilets, dog food matted on the

> carpet and dog pee here and there, that's her choice. I just refuse

> to stay there with her. She had her cataract surgery yesterday and

> they prefer the patient have someone stay with them. I just

> couldn't. I did what

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Irene,

I hear you - been there, done that. My husband has always said " she

wants you and only you. "

Sent from my blueberry.

>

> Thank you. I'm tired of saying " we've tried this and it didn't

> work. " But. . . . we've tried to encourage her to get involved with

> groups of people her age. We went through all the hoops for her to

> ride the small local bus that comes to the house and takes you where

> you need to go. She rode it once and complained about it the whole

> time, still complains about it - too noisy, too bumpy, took too long

> to get there, picked up other people which took her out of her way.

> For months after my Dad died we drove across the river to her place

> and took her to her church. Hoped to have her connect with some of

> the single women there and go out to lunch or whatever. She didn't

> like that. The kids were too noisy in church, the volunteer things

> were boring, the one woman that has asked her out to lunch several

> times - she won't go with her because she thinks the woman is a

> lesbian after her body. LMAO We've talked about various groups that

> could send someone out to clean her house once a week or even once a

> month. Nope, she keeps saying she'll get herself together and clean

> things up. It's been 2 years. I think that's an awful long time and

> the floors and bathrooms show it. Yuck.

>

> I guess I'm tired of pushing her and getting pushed back. If she

> wants to live in a house with crusty toilets, dog food matted on the

> carpet and dog pee here and there, that's her choice. I just refuse

> to stay there with her. She had her cataract surgery yesterday and

> they prefer the patient have someone stay with them. I just

> couldn't. I did what

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> That's interesting because I've had other people tell me to get her into

assisted living so she would be taken care of and all I would have to do is

visit when I feel like it. But how do you just put someone in a home? She's

coherent, has all her marbles even if they are a bit loose and rattling around.

I can't do a thing until the doctors say she's unable to care for herself. Then

the power of attorney would kick in.

We had to do this with my great aunt because she was getting too frail and

feeble and in home care cost too much. Also she had a handicapped daughter

whose care was too much for my aunt.

We kept talking to her and convinced her that it was best. If you can't do

that, I guess having her declared mentally incompetent is all you can do...

--LL.

[Guest guest]

>

> That's interesting because I've had other people tell me to get her into

assisted living so she would be taken care of and all I would have to do is

visit when I feel like it. But how do you just put someone in a home? She's

coherent, has all her marbles even if they are a bit loose and rattling around.

I can't do a thing until the doctors say she's unable to care for herself. Then

the power of attorney would kick in.

We had to do this with my great aunt because she was getting too frail and

feeble and in home care cost too much. Also she had a handicapped daughter

whose care was too much for my aunt.

We kept talking to her and convinced her that it was best. If you can't do

that, I guess having her declared mentally incompetent is all you can do...

--LL.

[Guest guest]

Hi, Annie (hey, welcome back! it's been a while)

I agree. It's nasty, and her apartment manager should have evicted her before

this - they do inspections, spray for bugs, etc., so there are opportunities to

enforce their standards. However, Nada has a group of " friends " who come by and

" help " her often enough that it doesn't get to the point that you see on the

Hoarders TV show. She's also had access to home health aides who help with the

kitchen, etc. So it's not quite " rancid and stinking " but I sure wouldn't walk

around barefoot!

Her " friends " continue to enable her, the aides do what their job requires them

to do, and the circus goes on and on. I seem to be the only person who will

flat-out refuse to play the game. So she pulls the " poor little old lady whose

daughter won't help " routine, and runs through new " helpers " every few months.

I've told them - ALL of them - about BPD and manipulation. I've told them about

the DSM-IV websites. They'll either wise up, look it up, and quit abetting her,

or they can freakin' HAVE her.

> >

> > I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with

a dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various

places, etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to

go get clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards

(food left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is

released from the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told

is that I have to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to

have her declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of

my retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove

what is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the

judge and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she

really CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something

really egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in

and take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is

refuse to be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up

after her, or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a

nursing home. Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom

before she gets the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else

in the process.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Annie (hey, welcome back! it's been a while)

I agree. It's nasty, and her apartment manager should have evicted her before

this - they do inspections, spray for bugs, etc., so there are opportunities to

enforce their standards. However, Nada has a group of " friends " who come by and

" help " her often enough that it doesn't get to the point that you see on the

Hoarders TV show. She's also had access to home health aides who help with the

kitchen, etc. So it's not quite " rancid and stinking " but I sure wouldn't walk

around barefoot!

Her " friends " continue to enable her, the aides do what their job requires them

to do, and the circus goes on and on. I seem to be the only person who will

flat-out refuse to play the game. So she pulls the " poor little old lady whose

daughter won't help " routine, and runs through new " helpers " every few months.

I've told them - ALL of them - about BPD and manipulation. I've told them about

the DSM-IV websites. They'll either wise up, look it up, and quit abetting her,

or they can freakin' HAVE her.

> >

> > I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with

a dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various

places, etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to

go get clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards

(food left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is

released from the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told

is that I have to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to

have her declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of

my retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove

what is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the

judge and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she

really CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something

really egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in

and take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is

refuse to be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up

after her, or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a

nursing home. Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom

before she gets the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else

in the process.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, Annie (hey, welcome back! it's been a while)

I agree. It's nasty, and her apartment manager should have evicted her before

this - they do inspections, spray for bugs, etc., so there are opportunities to

enforce their standards. However, Nada has a group of " friends " who come by and

" help " her often enough that it doesn't get to the point that you see on the

Hoarders TV show. She's also had access to home health aides who help with the

kitchen, etc. So it's not quite " rancid and stinking " but I sure wouldn't walk

around barefoot!

Her " friends " continue to enable her, the aides do what their job requires them

to do, and the circus goes on and on. I seem to be the only person who will

flat-out refuse to play the game. So she pulls the " poor little old lady whose

daughter won't help " routine, and runs through new " helpers " every few months.

I've told them - ALL of them - about BPD and manipulation. I've told them about

the DSM-IV websites. They'll either wise up, look it up, and quit abetting her,

or they can freakin' HAVE her.

> >

> > I'm sort of in the same boat - my Nada is living in a hoarder's hovel, with

a dog she refuses to train to go outside, so there's dog waste in various

places, etc. I only go into her apartment if she's hospitalized and I have to

go get clothing, etc. Each time, I clean up what I consider the health hazards

(food left out, dirty dishes, dog poop and pee pads). Each time, she is

released from the psych unit and sent home to live alone. What I've been told

is that I have to go through the probate court in her county and file forms to

have her declared incompetent - and I absolutely refuse to spend what's left of

my retirement fund, or my son's small college fund, to pay a lawyer to prove

what is obvious to everybody who knows her. The BPD means she can charm the

judge and it would be difficult to get the social workers and docs to say she

really CAN'T live alone. So I'm stuck. She is going to have to do something

really egregious in public, or get arrested, before the government will step in

and take away her right to self-determination. The only thing I can do is

refuse to be her little helper in this - because every thing I do to clean up

after her, or run errands for her, just prolongs her ability to stay out of a

nursing home. Like a junkie or a drunk, she's going to have to hit rock bottom

before she gets the help she needs. I just pray she doesn't harm somebody else

in the process.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

my nada was slipping into demetia fast so it was an easier choice for me.  she

had 4 dogs/ a filthy house, etc. 

Subject: Re: Caught in the middle

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 30, 2010, 11:59 PM

 

That's interesting because I've had other people tell me to get her into

assisted living so she would be taken care of and all I would have to do is

visit when I feel like it. But how do you just put someone in a home? She's

coherent, has all her marbles even if they are a bit loose and rattling around.

I can't do a thing until the doctors say she's unable to care for herself. Then

the power of attorney would kick in.

>

> Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would

be drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu

making sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice

home and leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place

where she will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call

all the time.

> proflaf

>

[Guest guest]

my nada was slipping into demetia fast so it was an easier choice for me.  she

had 4 dogs/ a filthy house, etc. 

Subject: Re: Caught in the middle

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 30, 2010, 11:59 PM

 

That's interesting because I've had other people tell me to get her into

assisted living so she would be taken care of and all I would have to do is

visit when I feel like it. But how do you just put someone in a home? She's

coherent, has all her marbles even if they are a bit loose and rattling around.

I can't do a thing until the doctors say she's unable to care for herself. Then

the power of attorney would kick in.

>

> Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would

be drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu

making sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice

home and leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place

where she will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call

all the time.

> proflaf

>

[Guest guest]

my nada was slipping into demetia fast so it was an easier choice for me.  she

had 4 dogs/ a filthy house, etc. 

Subject: Re: Caught in the middle

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, July 30, 2010, 11:59 PM

 

That's interesting because I've had other people tell me to get her into

assisted living so she would be taken care of and all I would have to do is

visit when I feel like it. But how do you just put someone in a home? She's

coherent, has all her marbles even if they are a bit loose and rattling around.

I can't do a thing until the doctors say she's unable to care for herself. Then

the power of attorney would kick in.

>

> Good luck on that one, that's why I steer clear of my nada because she would

be drain on my faimily all together.  I'm goign to talk to a lawyer abotu

making sure i can stay out of her crap.  Otherwise I'd say find her a nice

home and leave her there visit if you like but would make sure she's in a place

where she will be taken care of but you don't have to be at her beck and call

all the time.

> proflaf

>