Re: The heart of things...

[Guest guest]

yes i too try to lead with my heart lynda.. and i can feel your great compassion

and love for your nada.. yet you are right when you say that allowing her to

hurt you also hurts her and unless she can get help somehow i think we have to

simply 'let go and let God' (and old 12-step slogan).. we have to place our sick

loved ones in God's hands, give their care over to our higher power as there is

nothing we can really do to change the situation.  i believe it is all in God's

hands anyway, our lives and the lives of our loved ones.  may we all heal.ann

Subject: The heart of things...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, July 17, 2010, 4:10 AM

 

I found myself recently entertaining the idea of taking my baby to her

first swimming lessons and quite surprisingly found myself including mum in the

picture. She would be a great help. She would it would help her back being in

the water and she would enjoy being needed and the chance to bond with my

daughter. What am I thinking??!!

After an intense few weeks receiving multiple rages, an attempt on my part to go

L.C and then finally a decision to not contact her at all, I surprised myself! A

week ago, I couldn't bear the thought of seeing her. I still can't!

I started thinking that perhaps things aren't so bad. That I could forgive and

forget so to speak and allow her back into my life.

I had to try really hard to remember all of the awful things that she said. This

is what always happens. The anger, sadness, shock etc wears away and I start to

remember all of the lovely things that she has done for me, the praise, the care

for my well-being, the familiarity, the laughs....

I have been trying to move out of anger and into acceptance and can't help but

wonder if I may be in the bargaining phase(??) as I once again try and reconcile

the " good " and " bad " behaviour. The mum that adores me and the mum that despises

me.

I have also been trying to reconcile the idea of maintaining no contact with

her, but wanting to do the " right " and decent thing by her.

I read something in my yoga class the other day that referred to the paths we

choose in life and it posed the question " Does the path you have chosen have a

heart? " Of course it went on to say that if the answer is no, then it should be

abandoned for the path that does.

Now I don't profess to be a yogi. I am far from perfect, but I do try and live

my life by the basic principles of kindness and compassion for other's. Do onto

others and all that.

As I have been trying to create some strong, consistent boundaries and consider

no contact due to her repeated rages and volatility, I have been tormented by

this idea of heart. I have been trying to gather all of my strength to say I

don't want you in my life if you are going to treat me like this and to stick

with my decision. But I know that she is sick. She is typically isolated, alone

and plagued by numerous illnesses. I know she loves me in the only way she can.

I can see that every day is a struggle for her. I can see her trying to lead a

" normal " life in many ways. I truly feel she has done her best for me, has

worked incredibly hard as a single mum and made some pretty big sacrifices for

me during her life.

Once again, I am not attaching any moral judgement to anybody's emotions or

actions on here. I am not suggesting that people who set boundaries are without

heart. I know setting boundaries is healthy and absolutely necessary,

particularly when dealing with a parent with BPD.

I guess it is just something that I am trying to reconcile within myself. I just

wonder where is the heart is in all of this??

Is it in all of the years soul-searching, all of the desperate attempts to

understand them, to please them, to fix them, the dashed hopes, finding

forgiveness, picking our selves up again, the mourning for the mother that we

will never have and the painful realisation that that they will never change no

matter how hard we try to make them happy?

Or is it not a matter of heart. Throughout my life I think I have been operating

almost purely from heart, out of love for my mother and compassion for her

difficult journey. But it hasn't been enough. I keep getting hurt and I believe

in allowing that I am truly hurting her too.

I would love to hear some thoughts on this.

With Warmth,

Lynda

[Guest guest]

yes i too try to lead with my heart lynda.. and i can feel your great compassion

and love for your nada.. yet you are right when you say that allowing her to

hurt you also hurts her and unless she can get help somehow i think we have to

simply 'let go and let God' (and old 12-step slogan).. we have to place our sick

loved ones in God's hands, give their care over to our higher power as there is

nothing we can really do to change the situation.  i believe it is all in God's

hands anyway, our lives and the lives of our loved ones.  may we all heal.ann

Subject: The heart of things...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, July 17, 2010, 4:10 AM

 

I found myself recently entertaining the idea of taking my baby to her

first swimming lessons and quite surprisingly found myself including mum in the

picture. She would be a great help. She would it would help her back being in

the water and she would enjoy being needed and the chance to bond with my

daughter. What am I thinking??!!

After an intense few weeks receiving multiple rages, an attempt on my part to go

L.C and then finally a decision to not contact her at all, I surprised myself! A

week ago, I couldn't bear the thought of seeing her. I still can't!

I started thinking that perhaps things aren't so bad. That I could forgive and

forget so to speak and allow her back into my life.

I had to try really hard to remember all of the awful things that she said. This

is what always happens. The anger, sadness, shock etc wears away and I start to

remember all of the lovely things that she has done for me, the praise, the care

for my well-being, the familiarity, the laughs....

I have been trying to move out of anger and into acceptance and can't help but

wonder if I may be in the bargaining phase(??) as I once again try and reconcile

the " good " and " bad " behaviour. The mum that adores me and the mum that despises

me.

I have also been trying to reconcile the idea of maintaining no contact with

her, but wanting to do the " right " and decent thing by her.

I read something in my yoga class the other day that referred to the paths we

choose in life and it posed the question " Does the path you have chosen have a

heart? " Of course it went on to say that if the answer is no, then it should be

abandoned for the path that does.

Now I don't profess to be a yogi. I am far from perfect, but I do try and live

my life by the basic principles of kindness and compassion for other's. Do onto

others and all that.

As I have been trying to create some strong, consistent boundaries and consider

no contact due to her repeated rages and volatility, I have been tormented by

this idea of heart. I have been trying to gather all of my strength to say I

don't want you in my life if you are going to treat me like this and to stick

with my decision. But I know that she is sick. She is typically isolated, alone

and plagued by numerous illnesses. I know she loves me in the only way she can.

I can see that every day is a struggle for her. I can see her trying to lead a

" normal " life in many ways. I truly feel she has done her best for me, has

worked incredibly hard as a single mum and made some pretty big sacrifices for

me during her life.

Once again, I am not attaching any moral judgement to anybody's emotions or

actions on here. I am not suggesting that people who set boundaries are without

heart. I know setting boundaries is healthy and absolutely necessary,

particularly when dealing with a parent with BPD.

I guess it is just something that I am trying to reconcile within myself. I just

wonder where is the heart is in all of this??

Is it in all of the years soul-searching, all of the desperate attempts to

understand them, to please them, to fix them, the dashed hopes, finding

forgiveness, picking our selves up again, the mourning for the mother that we

will never have and the painful realisation that that they will never change no

matter how hard we try to make them happy?

Or is it not a matter of heart. Throughout my life I think I have been operating

almost purely from heart, out of love for my mother and compassion for her

difficult journey. But it hasn't been enough. I keep getting hurt and I believe

in allowing that I am truly hurting her too.

I would love to hear some thoughts on this.

With Warmth,

Lynda