Guest guest Posted July 20, 2010 Report Share Posted July 20, 2010 Oh and she also rejected me and my efforts to be confidants, saying that we are nothing now, not mother and daughter, and certainly not friends, so I shouldn't tell her any of my problems or stories anymore.. And all along I thought she was the codependent one! On Wed, Jul 21, 2010 at 1:05 AM, Lee Cubero wrote: > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were somehow > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to anymore > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to overlook many > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter again, > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, because it > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill the role > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I knew that > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse herself > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my hair > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see was > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want to > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at my face, > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she never > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow I > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't say sorry > in the first place. > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we share > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like to > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the past, > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, huge mouth > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I should know > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. Call me > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a relationship > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it like it > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, myself > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what I've gone > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. She is > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called the > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's guidance > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called the > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, throw > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing Jesus > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. How can a > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the hurt and > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine and > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me feel > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so much > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom that > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when she is > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson style, > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and brother by > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest and told > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me she > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like that. > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't have to > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to the > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she identifies with > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives throwing > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot about > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, which is > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the NJ > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada will yell > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind you, she > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was merely > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) knocks > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back to the > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, good and > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend herself. > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap top and I > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about it, and > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's what > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was because I > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though I > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's because he > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step mom and > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, and now > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the past, > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about my > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am bored. > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me out, > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply don't > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She says I > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and also I > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my cousin) > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, which > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > backstabbing and disloyal. > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells with > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that she > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, maybe > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person lacking > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking compassion. " > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, it's > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and in > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably insane > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my mother, and > expecting different results. > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always the > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen to. And > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and we talk > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she will flip > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow it to. > > I keep answering her phone calls. > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom growing > old alone and disabled. > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not over > what happened. > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about my > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry about ever > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry with > her. > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the topics > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship with > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get through > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about my > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about whatever I > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I know that > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to dealing > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is clearly > calling to fight. > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in college, > and the school still needs her information so that I can get financial aid, > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold over me. > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax papers. > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial aid. > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I shouldn't wait > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that it's not > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, she > feels used. > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I feel so > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just ruin our > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship instead? It > seems like those are my only two options. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 i wonder if you can get legally emancipated in terms of the financial aid, I know they make you give family $ information until the age of 25 but there has to be a loophole for people who can't, like those that are orphans or whatever. The fact that she's disabled says to me that she;s probably qualified for a lot of programs where there is assistance. If she can do all that you described she can certainly pick up the phone and call people and find out what is out there. Honestly when I was your age I left home (i didn't finish college, I came home for the summer one year and my fada was such a nutcase I moved out and didn't go back) and anyway I wish I'd severed contact at that point. Not with my grandmother but certainly the parental units and my siblings and I have no relationships to speak of. I certainly support your decision to go NC and this is from someone who didn't and wishes like anything that they had. You can do it six months at a time, or a semester at a time. Give yourself some time to see what that clarity brings, and get support and counseling and re-examine your decision in another six months. For about 40 years, lol. It sounds like she is borderline psychotic and someone who qualifies for a restraining order; you certainly don't need to be putting up with her level of violence and dysfunction. > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were somehow > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to anymore > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to overlook many > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter again, > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, because it > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill the role > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I knew that > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse herself > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my hair > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see was > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want to > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at my face, > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she never > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow I > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't say sorry > > in the first place. > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we share > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like to > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the past, > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, huge mouth > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I should know > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. Call me > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a relationship > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it like it > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, myself > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what I've gone > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. She is > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called the > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's guidance > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called the > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, throw > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing Jesus > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. How can a > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the hurt and > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine and > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me feel > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so much > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom that > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when she is > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson style, > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and brother by > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest and told > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me she > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like that. > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't have to > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to the > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she identifies with > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives throwing > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot about > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, which is > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the NJ > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada will yell > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind you, she > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was merely > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) knocks > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back to the > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, good and > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend herself. > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap top and I > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about it, and > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's what > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was because I > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though I > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's because he > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step mom and > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, and now > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the past, > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about my > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am bored. > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me out, > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply don't > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She says I > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and also I > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my cousin) > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, which > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells with > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that she > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, maybe > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person lacking > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking compassion. " > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, it's > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and in > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably insane > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my mother, and > > expecting different results. > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always the > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen to. And > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and we talk > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she will flip > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow it to. > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom growing > > old alone and disabled. > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not over > > what happened. > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about my > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry about ever > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry with > > her. > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the topics > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship with > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get through > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about my > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about whatever I > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I know that > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to dealing > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is clearly > > calling to fight. > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in college, > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get financial aid, > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold over me. > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax papers. > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial aid. > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I shouldn't wait > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that it's not > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, she > > feels used. > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I feel so > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just ruin our > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship instead? It > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 i wonder if you can get legally emancipated in terms of the financial aid, I know they make you give family $ information until the age of 25 but there has to be a loophole for people who can't, like those that are orphans or whatever. The fact that she's disabled says to me that she;s probably qualified for a lot of programs where there is assistance. If she can do all that you described she can certainly pick up the phone and call people and find out what is out there. Honestly when I was your age I left home (i didn't finish college, I came home for the summer one year and my fada was such a nutcase I moved out and didn't go back) and anyway I wish I'd severed contact at that point. Not with my grandmother but certainly the parental units and my siblings and I have no relationships to speak of. I certainly support your decision to go NC and this is from someone who didn't and wishes like anything that they had. You can do it six months at a time, or a semester at a time. Give yourself some time to see what that clarity brings, and get support and counseling and re-examine your decision in another six months. For about 40 years, lol. It sounds like she is borderline psychotic and someone who qualifies for a restraining order; you certainly don't need to be putting up with her level of violence and dysfunction. > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were somehow > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to anymore > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to overlook many > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter again, > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, because it > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill the role > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I knew that > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse herself > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my hair > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see was > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want to > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at my face, > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she never > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow I > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't say sorry > > in the first place. > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we share > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like to > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the past, > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, huge mouth > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I should know > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. Call me > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a relationship > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it like it > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, myself > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what I've gone > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. She is > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called the > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's guidance > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called the > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, throw > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing Jesus > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. How can a > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the hurt and > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine and > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me feel > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so much > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom that > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when she is > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson style, > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and brother by > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest and told > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me she > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like that. > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't have to > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to the > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she identifies with > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives throwing > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot about > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, which is > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the NJ > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada will yell > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind you, she > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was merely > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) knocks > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back to the > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, good and > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend herself. > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap top and I > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about it, and > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's what > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was because I > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though I > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's because he > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step mom and > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, and now > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the past, > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about my > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am bored. > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me out, > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply don't > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She says I > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and also I > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my cousin) > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, which > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells with > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that she > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, maybe > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person lacking > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking compassion. " > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, it's > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and in > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably insane > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my mother, and > > expecting different results. > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always the > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen to. And > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and we talk > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she will flip > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow it to. > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom growing > > old alone and disabled. > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not over > > what happened. > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about my > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry about ever > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry with > > her. > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the topics > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship with > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get through > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about my > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about whatever I > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I know that > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to dealing > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is clearly > > calling to fight. > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in college, > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get financial aid, > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold over me. > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax papers. > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial aid. > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I shouldn't wait > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that it's not > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, she > > feels used. > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I feel so > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just ruin our > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship instead? It > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 - Hon, you don't have a mother-daughter relationship with her. It's already over. She is a mentally ill person, and you can't treat her like you would a sane person. It's very sad, but that's the truth. You know the old joke about the guy who goes to the doctor, tells him, " Doc, it hurts when I do this, " and then hits himself in the head with a board? The doctor says, " Well, stop doing that. " There's your answer, in a nutshell. So here are some suggestions, based on my own years with a Nada and on info I've read here and in " the books. " You still have to get through college, and your life will be much better with a degree than without one. If she's holding on to the money or documents you need to get through school, you have to put up with her until you've graduated (or at least until you've made the last tuition payment). After that, you can re-define your relationship with her and figure out how much contact you want. But for now, it makes sense that you need to keep in touch. However, the contact you have with her needs to be formally pleasant so that she'll keep doing what's necessary for you to get your degree. It may sound like this is " using " her - and it is. Normal, sane parents raise their children with the intent of providing them with an education. It's not your fault she's crazy. I think you have the right to do whatever it takes (within legal limits) to get the education you need. Do not pick fights with her or expect her to see your side of things. Think of her as a coiled rattlesnake, sitting on top of the documents you need to finish school. Your ONLY task is to ease her off of those documents without prompting her to strike. Keep her calm, go to school, get on with your life. You cannot give her personal information - EVER. She will use it as ammunition. Restrict your topics of conversation to the weather, your classes and how interesting they are, politics (if that's a safe topic), and things you've seen on TV. Do not mention your family, friends, boyfriends, or anything else she can twist around. Just don't. There's no point. Telling her this stuff won't make anything better. She WILL use anything you say against you, at some point. She's sick. You can't change it. You may have many, many more years of dealing with this, so start figuring out how to work around her illness so that YOU can have a sane, happy life in spite of her. I'm so sorry that things are this way, but so happy for you that you're figuring this out at 19, rather than waiting until you're over 50 (like I did). > > > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were somehow > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to anymore > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to overlook many > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter again, > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, because it > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill the role > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I knew that > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse herself > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my hair > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see was > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want to > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at my face, > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she never > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow I > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't say sorry > > > in the first place. > > > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we share > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like to > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the past, > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, huge mouth > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I should know > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. Call me > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a relationship > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it like it > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, myself > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what I've gone > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. She is > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called the > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's guidance > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called the > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, throw > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing Jesus > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. How can a > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the hurt and > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine and > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me feel > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so much > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom that > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when she is > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson style, > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and brother by > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest and told > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me she > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like that. > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't have to > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to the > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she identifies with > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives throwing > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot about > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, which is > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the NJ > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada will yell > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind you, she > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was merely > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) knocks > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back to the > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, good and > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend herself. > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap top and I > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about it, and > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's what > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was because I > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though I > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's because he > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step mom and > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, and now > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the past, > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about my > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am bored. > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me out, > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply don't > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She says I > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and also I > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my cousin) > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, which > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells with > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that she > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, maybe > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person lacking > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking compassion. " > > > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, it's > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and in > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably insane > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my mother, and > > > expecting different results. > > > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always the > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen to. And > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and we talk > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she will flip > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow it to. > > > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom growing > > > old alone and disabled. > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not over > > > what happened. > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about my > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry about ever > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry with > > > her. > > > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the topics > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship with > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get through > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about my > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about whatever I > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I know that > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to dealing > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is clearly > > > calling to fight. > > > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in college, > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get financial aid, > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold over me. > > > > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax papers. > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial aid. > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I shouldn't wait > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that it's not > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, she > > > feels used. > > > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I feel so > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just ruin our > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship instead? It > > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 Yes, Lee, I had been independent three years, before I went back to college. I needed my mom to sign off that I was financially independent in order to receive financial aid. I did not know my mom had a diagnosis at the time, but when the folks in the financial aid office saw what problems I was having just getting the paperwork resolved with her, they told me they would find a way to waive the requirement, due to extenuating circumstances. I get daily digest, so may be late in telling you this, but I understand that there is a clause for college students whose parents have a mental illness that prevents that parent from being competent to do the required paperwork. Ask your financial aid office about this, if you don't get enough information here. I had this crazy thing... my mom had this unvoiced expectation that she and my dad would never have to pay college tuition... that I would get a scholarship. When I did not qualify for the national merit scholarship (which offered just a thousand or so dollars a year) suddenly there was NO interest in my education, other than my attending the university in the nearest large town. A good university, but not a good fit for me. She did not even offer to pay tuition for me, while I was living at home. And then, she wanted me to pay rent, in addition to being the brunt of her abuse. So I left at 18 1/2 and did not look back, until, at age 21, I'd established independence, and needed her signature. It was just this year, that I revisited the story of her refusing to sign the papers that would allow me to receive basic grants. She never knew that I received financial aid anyways, without the friggin signature.... so she accused me of " wasting " 30,000 on my education! I have to say, now I am in a new stage with her. The truth is for ME to know. When she tells me stuff that is wrong and waves it in my face, I finally see the best thing I can do it keep my mouth shut and love me. Of course, doing that requires me to hang up the phone. And sit in prayerful meditation, thanking God I live three thousand miles away by now. I am working towards saying the following without rancor, " All the money nada saved not sending me to college (when she had the money).. is now available for her to send herself to assisted living when the time comes. " Smarty me, I admit I did tell my nada this, " My freedom is worth every penny you did not give me. " It was worth the chuckle.... and if I remember correctly, nada laughed too. Felt like healing laughter on both parts. Got to say, it DOES feel good to be honest, but honesty with ME comes first. I am worth having and holding honesty in my own heart, and not foisting it on my nada. If that makes sense at all? Best to you in this life-long journey. May we all heal. Best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 Yes, Lee, I had been independent three years, before I went back to college. I needed my mom to sign off that I was financially independent in order to receive financial aid. I did not know my mom had a diagnosis at the time, but when the folks in the financial aid office saw what problems I was having just getting the paperwork resolved with her, they told me they would find a way to waive the requirement, due to extenuating circumstances. I get daily digest, so may be late in telling you this, but I understand that there is a clause for college students whose parents have a mental illness that prevents that parent from being competent to do the required paperwork. Ask your financial aid office about this, if you don't get enough information here. I had this crazy thing... my mom had this unvoiced expectation that she and my dad would never have to pay college tuition... that I would get a scholarship. When I did not qualify for the national merit scholarship (which offered just a thousand or so dollars a year) suddenly there was NO interest in my education, other than my attending the university in the nearest large town. A good university, but not a good fit for me. She did not even offer to pay tuition for me, while I was living at home. And then, she wanted me to pay rent, in addition to being the brunt of her abuse. So I left at 18 1/2 and did not look back, until, at age 21, I'd established independence, and needed her signature. It was just this year, that I revisited the story of her refusing to sign the papers that would allow me to receive basic grants. She never knew that I received financial aid anyways, without the friggin signature.... so she accused me of " wasting " 30,000 on my education! I have to say, now I am in a new stage with her. The truth is for ME to know. When she tells me stuff that is wrong and waves it in my face, I finally see the best thing I can do it keep my mouth shut and love me. Of course, doing that requires me to hang up the phone. And sit in prayerful meditation, thanking God I live three thousand miles away by now. I am working towards saying the following without rancor, " All the money nada saved not sending me to college (when she had the money).. is now available for her to send herself to assisted living when the time comes. " Smarty me, I admit I did tell my nada this, " My freedom is worth every penny you did not give me. " It was worth the chuckle.... and if I remember correctly, nada laughed too. Felt like healing laughter on both parts. Got to say, it DOES feel good to be honest, but honesty with ME comes first. I am worth having and holding honesty in my own heart, and not foisting it on my nada. If that makes sense at all? Best to you in this life-long journey. May we all heal. Best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 Yes, Lee, I had been independent three years, before I went back to college. I needed my mom to sign off that I was financially independent in order to receive financial aid. I did not know my mom had a diagnosis at the time, but when the folks in the financial aid office saw what problems I was having just getting the paperwork resolved with her, they told me they would find a way to waive the requirement, due to extenuating circumstances. I get daily digest, so may be late in telling you this, but I understand that there is a clause for college students whose parents have a mental illness that prevents that parent from being competent to do the required paperwork. Ask your financial aid office about this, if you don't get enough information here. I had this crazy thing... my mom had this unvoiced expectation that she and my dad would never have to pay college tuition... that I would get a scholarship. When I did not qualify for the national merit scholarship (which offered just a thousand or so dollars a year) suddenly there was NO interest in my education, other than my attending the university in the nearest large town. A good university, but not a good fit for me. She did not even offer to pay tuition for me, while I was living at home. And then, she wanted me to pay rent, in addition to being the brunt of her abuse. So I left at 18 1/2 and did not look back, until, at age 21, I'd established independence, and needed her signature. It was just this year, that I revisited the story of her refusing to sign the papers that would allow me to receive basic grants. She never knew that I received financial aid anyways, without the friggin signature.... so she accused me of " wasting " 30,000 on my education! I have to say, now I am in a new stage with her. The truth is for ME to know. When she tells me stuff that is wrong and waves it in my face, I finally see the best thing I can do it keep my mouth shut and love me. Of course, doing that requires me to hang up the phone. And sit in prayerful meditation, thanking God I live three thousand miles away by now. I am working towards saying the following without rancor, " All the money nada saved not sending me to college (when she had the money).. is now available for her to send herself to assisted living when the time comes. " Smarty me, I admit I did tell my nada this, " My freedom is worth every penny you did not give me. " It was worth the chuckle.... and if I remember correctly, nada laughed too. Felt like healing laughter on both parts. Got to say, it DOES feel good to be honest, but honesty with ME comes first. I am worth having and holding honesty in my own heart, and not foisting it on my nada. If that makes sense at all? Best to you in this life-long journey. May we all heal. Best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to fill out a paper copy). I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know what state she lives in. My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can negotiate a small fee (~$20). G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was written up for it's horrible conditions: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you gonna go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of being behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now and tell them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing anyone). So naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm just a whiny, spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me or anything, oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh wait, she sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually inappropriate and insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if I didn't want her to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me food and water, hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame tactics... " and on and on and on. Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in theory) on YOUR terms. I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... Keep us posted hun, Frances > > > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were somehow > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to anymore > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to overlook many > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter again, > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, because it > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill the role > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I knew that > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse herself > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my hair > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see was > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want to > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at my face, > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she never > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow I > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't say sorry > > > in the first place. > > > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we share > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like to > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the past, > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, huge mouth > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I should know > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. Call me > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a relationship > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it like it > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, myself > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what I've gone > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. She is > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called the > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's guidance > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called the > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, throw > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing Jesus > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. How can a > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the hurt and > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine and > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me feel > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so much > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom that > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when she is > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson style, > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and brother by > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest and told > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me she > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like that. > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't have to > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to the > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she identifies with > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives throwing > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot about > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, which is > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the NJ > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada will yell > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind you, she > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was merely > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) knocks > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back to the > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, good and > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend herself. > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap top and I > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about it, and > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's what > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was because I > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though I > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's because he > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step mom and > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, and now > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the past, > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about my > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am bored. > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me out, > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply don't > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She says I > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and also I > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my cousin) > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, which > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells with > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that she > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, maybe > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person lacking > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking compassion. " > > > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, it's > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and in > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably insane > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my mother, and > > > expecting different results. > > > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always the > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen to. And > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and we talk > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she will flip > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow it to. > > > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom growing > > > old alone and disabled. > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not over > > > what happened. > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about my > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry about ever > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry with > > > her. > > > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the topics > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship with > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get through > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about my > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about whatever I > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I know that > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to dealing > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is clearly > > > calling to fight. > > > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in college, > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get financial aid, > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold over me. > > > > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax papers. > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial aid. > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I shouldn't wait > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that it's not > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, she > > > feels used. > > > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I feel so > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just ruin our > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship instead? It > > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to fill out a paper copy). I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know what state she lives in. My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can negotiate a small fee (~$20). G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was written up for it's horrible conditions: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you gonna go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of being behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now and tell them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing anyone). So naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm just a whiny, spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me or anything, oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh wait, she sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually inappropriate and insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if I didn't want her to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me food and water, hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame tactics... " and on and on and on. Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in theory) on YOUR terms. I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... Keep us posted hun, Frances > > > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were somehow > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to anymore > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to overlook many > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter again, > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, because it > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill the role > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I knew that > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse herself > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my hair > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see was > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want to > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at my face, > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she never > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow I > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't say sorry > > > in the first place. > > > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we share > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like to > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the past, > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, huge mouth > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I should know > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. Call me > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a relationship > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it like it > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, myself > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what I've gone > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. She is > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called the > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's guidance > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called the > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, throw > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing Jesus > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. How can a > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the hurt and > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine and > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me feel > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so much > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom that > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when she is > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson style, > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and brother by > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest and told > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me she > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like that. > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't have to > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to the > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she identifies with > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives throwing > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot about > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, which is > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the NJ > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada will yell > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind you, she > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was merely > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) knocks > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back to the > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, good and > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend herself. > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap top and I > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about it, and > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's what > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was because I > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though I > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's because he > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step mom and > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, and now > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the past, > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about my > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am bored. > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me out, > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply don't > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She says I > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and also I > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my cousin) > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, which > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells with > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that she > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, maybe > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person lacking > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking compassion. " > > > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, it's > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and in > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably insane > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my mother, and > > > expecting different results. > > > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always the > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen to. And > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and we talk > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she will flip > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow it to. > > > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom growing > > > old alone and disabled. > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not over > > > what happened. > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about my > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry about ever > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry with > > > her. > > > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the topics > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship with > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get through > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about my > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about whatever I > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I know that > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to dealing > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is clearly > > > calling to fight. > > > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in college, > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get financial aid, > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold over me. > > > > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax papers. > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial aid. > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I shouldn't wait > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that it's not > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, she > > > feels used. > > > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I feel so > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just ruin our > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship instead? It > > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Thank you everyone for the much needed support. Every time I feel myself wanting to let her back in, I will read these messages to reinforce that I really DON'T want or need this toxic non-relationship. Great advice about treating her like a coiled snake on top of the papers, and thanks to the user who told me about the mentally ill clause. I feel embarrassed talking about this to the financial aid counselors; I keep hearing my mom in my head saying: " betray me, disloyal, ruining my name " and then I freak out. What if she comes to graduation, and the whole school knows she's a loony-toon? This is what I tend to do - freak out about the future when it hasn't even happened yet, meanwhile let the present kind of just float on by! Terrible living philosophy, yes I know. Anyway, to the user who says that her nada says what are you going to go and cry to your counselor, " sounds just like my mom! She would call me Ms. Brinn whenever we would fight, and since I made the mistake of telling her that my counselor, ms. brinn, thought my mom was manipulative and co-dependent, my mom would taunt me okay ms. brinn, or Ms. Brinn doesn't have any children, so she doesn't know what a spoiled bitch they can be... Just to let everyone know, I have been out of the house for a long while, it's when I went to visit her for Easter that she flipped out on me, but claims it was my fault. She was on medication that made her angry outbursts more intense, and at first she excused her behavior and after a few weeks of me going NC with my mom, I excused her behavior and wrote it off as a side effect of the legally prescribed steroids. But, ever since she has still been exhibiting classic BPD symptoms, the denial, the rage, and then affection, telling me it's over, (the pushing away), the accusations, the paranoia that I am going to hurt her! I am so tired of dealing with her bullsh & t and honestly, I am the type of person who doesn't let it show day in and day out -- you would never know that I grew up in a crazy house. And part of me thinks that that's a good thing, but bad because I am always suppressing my emotions, in fear of seeming irrational like my mother. I've got a lot of stuff to take care of with school. I already explained to admissions that my grades totally went down in two classes because of my mom's double illness or physical and mental disorders, so I really hope they don't reject my transfer admission. I can't believe I still have these stupid fantasies of my mom being normal. I really don't want to deal with this for the rest of my days. Part of me wants to give her an ultimatum: " either you get help for your personality disorder, or I never speak to you again. " Again, thanks for all the support and understanding. I really appreciate you guys! -Kris > > > > > Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency > override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse > or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify > doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your > financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be > granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to > fill out a paper copy). > > I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is > HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* > before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can > afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I > won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know > what state she lives in. > > My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. > I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You > get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per > month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you > apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they > asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who > you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. > If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you > will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking > around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a > friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can > negotiate a small fee (~$20). > > G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our > relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), > my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my > lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and > institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out > all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to > say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of > " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and > your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with > self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill > myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) > > I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that > attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of > her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that > house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's > not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say > " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily > visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed > a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was > written up for it's horrible conditions: > http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html > > Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you gonna > go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of being > behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now and tell > them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing anyone). So > naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm just a whiny, > spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me or anything, > oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh wait, she > sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually inappropriate and > insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if I didn't want her > to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me food and water, > hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame tactics... " and on and > on and on. > > Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if > I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE > BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the > heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a > break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or > write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel > guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at > the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It > comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your > relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you > may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in > theory) on YOUR terms. > > I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this > college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening > when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits > and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how > messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back > then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as > I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but > the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be > " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... > > Keep us posted hun, > Frances > > > > > > > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were > somehow > > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to > anymore > > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to > overlook many > > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter > again, > > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, > because it > > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill > the role > > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I > knew that > > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse > herself > > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my > hair > > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see > was > > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want > to > > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at > my face, > > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she > never > > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow > I > > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't > say sorry > > > > in the first place. > > > > > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we > share > > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like > to > > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the > past, > > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, > huge mouth > > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I > should know > > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. > Call me > > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a > relationship > > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it > like it > > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, > myself > > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what > I've gone > > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. > She is > > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called > the > > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's > guidance > > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called > the > > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, > throw > > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing > Jesus > > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. > How can a > > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the > hurt and > > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine > and > > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me > feel > > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so > much > > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom > that > > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when > she is > > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson > style, > > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and > brother by > > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest > and told > > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me > she > > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like > that. > > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't > have to > > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to > the > > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she > identifies with > > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives > throwing > > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot > about > > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, > which is > > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the > NJ > > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada > will yell > > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind > you, she > > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was > merely > > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) > knocks > > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back > to the > > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, > good and > > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend > herself. > > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap > top and I > > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about > it, and > > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's > what > > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was > because I > > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though > I > > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's > because he > > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step > mom and > > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, > and now > > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the > past, > > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about > my > > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am > bored. > > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me > out, > > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply > don't > > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She > says I > > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and > also I > > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my > cousin) > > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, > which > > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells > with > > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that > she > > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, > maybe > > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person > lacking > > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what > happened > > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking > compassion. " > > > > > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, > it's > > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and > in > > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably > insane > > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my > mother, and > > > > expecting different results. > > > > > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always > the > > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen > to. And > > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and > we talk > > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she > will flip > > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow > it to. > > > > > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom > growing > > > > old alone and disabled. > > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not > over > > > > what happened. > > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about > my > > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry > about ever > > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry > with > > > > her. > > > > > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the > topics > > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship > with > > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get > through > > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about > my > > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about > whatever I > > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I > know that > > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to > dealing > > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is > clearly > > > > calling to fight. > > > > > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in > college, > > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get > financial aid, > > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold > over me. > > > > > > > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax > papers. > > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial > aid. > > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I > shouldn't wait > > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that > it's not > > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, > she > > > > feels used. > > > > > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I > feel so > > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just > ruin our > > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship > instead? It > > > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Thank you everyone for the much needed support. Every time I feel myself wanting to let her back in, I will read these messages to reinforce that I really DON'T want or need this toxic non-relationship. Great advice about treating her like a coiled snake on top of the papers, and thanks to the user who told me about the mentally ill clause. I feel embarrassed talking about this to the financial aid counselors; I keep hearing my mom in my head saying: " betray me, disloyal, ruining my name " and then I freak out. What if she comes to graduation, and the whole school knows she's a loony-toon? This is what I tend to do - freak out about the future when it hasn't even happened yet, meanwhile let the present kind of just float on by! Terrible living philosophy, yes I know. Anyway, to the user who says that her nada says what are you going to go and cry to your counselor, " sounds just like my mom! She would call me Ms. Brinn whenever we would fight, and since I made the mistake of telling her that my counselor, ms. brinn, thought my mom was manipulative and co-dependent, my mom would taunt me okay ms. brinn, or Ms. Brinn doesn't have any children, so she doesn't know what a spoiled bitch they can be... Just to let everyone know, I have been out of the house for a long while, it's when I went to visit her for Easter that she flipped out on me, but claims it was my fault. She was on medication that made her angry outbursts more intense, and at first she excused her behavior and after a few weeks of me going NC with my mom, I excused her behavior and wrote it off as a side effect of the legally prescribed steroids. But, ever since she has still been exhibiting classic BPD symptoms, the denial, the rage, and then affection, telling me it's over, (the pushing away), the accusations, the paranoia that I am going to hurt her! I am so tired of dealing with her bullsh & t and honestly, I am the type of person who doesn't let it show day in and day out -- you would never know that I grew up in a crazy house. And part of me thinks that that's a good thing, but bad because I am always suppressing my emotions, in fear of seeming irrational like my mother. I've got a lot of stuff to take care of with school. I already explained to admissions that my grades totally went down in two classes because of my mom's double illness or physical and mental disorders, so I really hope they don't reject my transfer admission. I can't believe I still have these stupid fantasies of my mom being normal. I really don't want to deal with this for the rest of my days. Part of me wants to give her an ultimatum: " either you get help for your personality disorder, or I never speak to you again. " Again, thanks for all the support and understanding. I really appreciate you guys! -Kris > > > > > Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency > override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse > or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify > doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your > financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be > granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to > fill out a paper copy). > > I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is > HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* > before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can > afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I > won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know > what state she lives in. > > My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. > I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You > get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per > month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you > apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they > asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who > you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. > If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you > will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking > around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a > friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can > negotiate a small fee (~$20). > > G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our > relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), > my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my > lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and > institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out > all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to > say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of > " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and > your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with > self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill > myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) > > I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that > attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of > her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that > house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's > not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say > " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily > visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed > a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was > written up for it's horrible conditions: > http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html > > Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you gonna > go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of being > behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now and tell > them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing anyone). So > naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm just a whiny, > spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me or anything, > oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh wait, she > sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually inappropriate and > insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if I didn't want her > to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me food and water, > hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame tactics... " and on and > on and on. > > Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if > I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE > BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the > heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a > break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or > write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel > guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at > the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It > comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your > relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you > may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in > theory) on YOUR terms. > > I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this > college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening > when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits > and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how > messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back > then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as > I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but > the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be > " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... > > Keep us posted hun, > Frances > > > > > > > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were > somehow > > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to > anymore > > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to > overlook many > > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter > again, > > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, > because it > > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill > the role > > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I > knew that > > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse > herself > > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my > hair > > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see > was > > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want > to > > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at > my face, > > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she > never > > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow > I > > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't > say sorry > > > > in the first place. > > > > > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we > share > > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like > to > > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the > past, > > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, > huge mouth > > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I > should know > > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. > Call me > > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a > relationship > > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it > like it > > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, > myself > > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what > I've gone > > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. > She is > > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called > the > > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's > guidance > > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called > the > > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, > throw > > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing > Jesus > > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. > How can a > > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the > hurt and > > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine > and > > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me > feel > > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so > much > > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom > that > > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when > she is > > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson > style, > > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and > brother by > > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest > and told > > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me > she > > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like > that. > > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't > have to > > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to > the > > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she > identifies with > > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives > throwing > > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot > about > > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, > which is > > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the > NJ > > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada > will yell > > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind > you, she > > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was > merely > > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) > knocks > > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back > to the > > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, > good and > > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend > herself. > > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap > top and I > > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about > it, and > > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's > what > > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was > because I > > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though > I > > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's > because he > > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step > mom and > > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, > and now > > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the > past, > > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about > my > > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am > bored. > > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me > out, > > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply > don't > > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She > says I > > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and > also I > > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my > cousin) > > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, > which > > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells > with > > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that > she > > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, > maybe > > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person > lacking > > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what > happened > > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking > compassion. " > > > > > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, > it's > > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and > in > > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably > insane > > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my > mother, and > > > > expecting different results. > > > > > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always > the > > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen > to. And > > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and > we talk > > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she > will flip > > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow > it to. > > > > > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom > growing > > > > old alone and disabled. > > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not > over > > > > what happened. > > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about > my > > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry > about ever > > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry > with > > > > her. > > > > > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the > topics > > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship > with > > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get > through > > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about > my > > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about > whatever I > > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I > know that > > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to > dealing > > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is > clearly > > > > calling to fight. > > > > > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in > college, > > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get > financial aid, > > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold > over me. > > > > > > > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax > papers. > > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial > aid. > > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I > shouldn't wait > > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that > it's not > > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, > she > > > > feels used. > > > > > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I > feel so > > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just > ruin our > > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship > instead? It > > > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Thank you everyone for the much needed support. Every time I feel myself wanting to let her back in, I will read these messages to reinforce that I really DON'T want or need this toxic non-relationship. Great advice about treating her like a coiled snake on top of the papers, and thanks to the user who told me about the mentally ill clause. I feel embarrassed talking about this to the financial aid counselors; I keep hearing my mom in my head saying: " betray me, disloyal, ruining my name " and then I freak out. What if she comes to graduation, and the whole school knows she's a loony-toon? This is what I tend to do - freak out about the future when it hasn't even happened yet, meanwhile let the present kind of just float on by! Terrible living philosophy, yes I know. Anyway, to the user who says that her nada says what are you going to go and cry to your counselor, " sounds just like my mom! She would call me Ms. Brinn whenever we would fight, and since I made the mistake of telling her that my counselor, ms. brinn, thought my mom was manipulative and co-dependent, my mom would taunt me okay ms. brinn, or Ms. Brinn doesn't have any children, so she doesn't know what a spoiled bitch they can be... Just to let everyone know, I have been out of the house for a long while, it's when I went to visit her for Easter that she flipped out on me, but claims it was my fault. She was on medication that made her angry outbursts more intense, and at first she excused her behavior and after a few weeks of me going NC with my mom, I excused her behavior and wrote it off as a side effect of the legally prescribed steroids. But, ever since she has still been exhibiting classic BPD symptoms, the denial, the rage, and then affection, telling me it's over, (the pushing away), the accusations, the paranoia that I am going to hurt her! I am so tired of dealing with her bullsh & t and honestly, I am the type of person who doesn't let it show day in and day out -- you would never know that I grew up in a crazy house. And part of me thinks that that's a good thing, but bad because I am always suppressing my emotions, in fear of seeming irrational like my mother. I've got a lot of stuff to take care of with school. I already explained to admissions that my grades totally went down in two classes because of my mom's double illness or physical and mental disorders, so I really hope they don't reject my transfer admission. I can't believe I still have these stupid fantasies of my mom being normal. I really don't want to deal with this for the rest of my days. Part of me wants to give her an ultimatum: " either you get help for your personality disorder, or I never speak to you again. " Again, thanks for all the support and understanding. I really appreciate you guys! -Kris > > > > > Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency > override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse > or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify > doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your > financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be > granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to > fill out a paper copy). > > I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is > HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* > before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can > afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I > won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know > what state she lives in. > > My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. > I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You > get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per > month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you > apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they > asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who > you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. > If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you > will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking > around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a > friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can > negotiate a small fee (~$20). > > G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our > relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), > my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my > lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and > institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out > all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to > say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of > " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and > your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with > self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill > myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) > > I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that > attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of > her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that > house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's > not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say > " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily > visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed > a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was > written up for it's horrible conditions: > http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html > > Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you gonna > go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of being > behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now and tell > them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing anyone). So > naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm just a whiny, > spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me or anything, > oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh wait, she > sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually inappropriate and > insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if I didn't want her > to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me food and water, > hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame tactics... " and on and > on and on. > > Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if > I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE > BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the > heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a > break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or > write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel > guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at > the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It > comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your > relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you > may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in > theory) on YOUR terms. > > I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this > college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening > when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits > and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how > messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back > then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as > I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but > the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be > " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... > > Keep us posted hun, > Frances > > > > > > > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > > > > > > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were > somehow > > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to > anymore > > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to > overlook many > > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter > again, > > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, > because it > > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill > the role > > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I > knew that > > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse > herself > > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my > hair > > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even see > was > > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't want > to > > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at > my face, > > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she > never > > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And somehow > I > > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't > say sorry > > > > in the first place. > > > > > > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we > share > > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who like > to > > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in the > past, > > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up for > > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, > huge mouth > > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I > should know > > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. > Call me > > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a > relationship > > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it > like it > > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, > myself > > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what > I've gone > > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. > She is > > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put me > > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called > the > > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's > guidance > > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have called > the > > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you out, > throw > > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing > Jesus > > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. > How can a > > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the > hurt and > > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's fine > and > > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me > feel > > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you so > much > > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > > > > > > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom > that > > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when > she is > > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson > style, > > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and > brother by > > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest > and told > > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me > she > > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like > that. > > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't > have to > > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to > the > > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she > identifies with > > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives > throwing > > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot > about > > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, > which is > > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of the > NJ > > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada > will yell > > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind > you, she > > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was > merely > > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) > knocks > > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > > > > > > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back > to the > > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, > good and > > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend > herself. > > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap > top and I > > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about > it, and > > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's > what > > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was > because I > > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even though > I > > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's > because he > > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step > mom and > > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, > and now > > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up the > past, > > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about > my > > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am > bored. > > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses me > out, > > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply > don't > > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She > says I > > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and > also I > > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my > cousin) > > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, > which > > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > > > > > > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells > with > > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that > she > > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, > maybe > > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person > lacking > > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what > happened > > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking > compassion. " > > > > > > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened NADA, > it's > > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and > in > > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably > insane > > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my > mother, and > > > > expecting different results. > > > > > > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's always > the > > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen > to. And > > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and > we talk > > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she > will flip > > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I allow > it to. > > > > > > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom > growing > > > > old alone and disabled. > > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not > over > > > > what happened. > > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much about > my > > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry > about ever > > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry > with > > > > her. > > > > > > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the > topics > > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful relationship > with > > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get > through > > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about > my > > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about > whatever I > > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I > know that > > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to > dealing > > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is > clearly > > > > calling to fight. > > > > > > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in > college, > > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get > financial aid, > > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold > over me. > > > > > > > > > > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax > papers. > > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my financial > aid. > > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I > shouldn't wait > > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that > it's not > > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, > she > > > > feels used. > > > > > > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I > feel so > > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just > ruin our > > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship > instead? It > > > > seems like those are my only two options. > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 UPDATE: **** I emailed the financial aid office and told them about my mother's condition and refusal to comply with me for the tax information. I asked financial aid if there was a parent with mental illness clause for students. Let's see what happens! On Thu, Jul 22, 2010 at 12:28 PM, Lee Cubero wrote: > Thank you everyone for the much needed support. Every time I feel myself > wanting to let her back in, I will read these messages to reinforce that I > really DON'T want or need this toxic non-relationship. Great advice about > treating her like a coiled snake on top of the papers, and thanks to the > user who told me about the mentally ill clause. I feel embarrassed talking > about this to the financial aid counselors; I keep hearing my mom in my head > saying: " betray me, disloyal, ruining my name " and then I freak out. What if > she comes to graduation, and the whole school knows she's a loony-toon? This > is what I tend to do - freak out about the future when it hasn't even > happened yet, meanwhile let the present kind of just float on by! Terrible > living philosophy, yes I know. Anyway, to the user who says that her nada > says what are you going to go and cry to your counselor, " sounds just like > my mom! She would call me Ms. Brinn whenever we would fight, and since I > made the mistake of telling her that my counselor, ms. brinn, thought my mom > was manipulative and co-dependent, my mom would taunt me okay ms. brinn, or > Ms. Brinn doesn't have any children, so she doesn't know what a spoiled > bitch they can be... > > Just to let everyone know, I have been out of the house for a long while, > it's when I went to visit her for Easter that she flipped out on me, but > claims it was my fault. She was on medication that made her angry outbursts > more intense, and at first she excused her behavior and after a few weeks of > me going NC with my mom, I excused her behavior and wrote it off as a side > effect of the legally prescribed steroids. But, ever since she has still > been exhibiting classic BPD symptoms, the denial, the rage, and then > affection, telling me it's over, (the pushing away), the accusations, the > paranoia that I am going to hurt her! I am so tired of dealing with her > bullsh & t and honestly, I am the type of person who doesn't let it show day > in and day out -- you would never know that I grew up in a crazy house. And > part of me thinks that that's a good thing, but bad because I am always > suppressing my emotions, in fear of seeming irrational like my mother. > > I've got a lot of stuff to take care of with school. I already explained to > admissions that my grades totally went down in two classes because of my > mom's double illness or physical and mental disorders, so I really hope they > don't reject my transfer admission. > > I can't believe I still have these stupid fantasies of my mom being normal. > I really don't want to deal with this for the rest of my days. Part of me > wants to give her an ultimatum: " either you get help for your personality > disorder, or I never speak to you again. " > > Again, thanks for all the support and understanding. I really appreciate > you guys! > > -Kris > > > > >> >> >> >> >> Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency >> override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse >> or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify >> doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your >> financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be >> granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to >> fill out a paper copy). >> >> I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is >> HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* >> before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can >> afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I >> won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know >> what state she lives in. >> >> My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. >> I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You >> get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per >> month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you >> apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they >> asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who >> you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. >> If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you >> will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking >> around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a >> friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can >> negotiate a small fee (~$20). >> >> G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our >> relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), >> my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my >> lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and >> institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out >> all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to >> say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of >> " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and >> your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with >> self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill >> myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) >> >> I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that >> attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of >> her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that >> house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's >> not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say >> " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily >> visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed >> a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was >> written up for it's horrible conditions: >> http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html >> >> Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you >> gonna go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of >> being behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now >> and tell them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing >> anyone). So naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm >> just a whiny, spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me >> or anything, oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh >> wait, she sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually >> inappropriate and insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if >> I didn't want her to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me >> food and water, hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame >> tactics... " and on and on and on. >> >> Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if >> I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE >> BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the >> heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a >> break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or >> write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel >> guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at >> the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It >> comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your >> relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you >> may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in >> theory) on YOUR terms. >> >> I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this >> college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening >> when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits >> and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how >> messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back >> then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as >> I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but >> the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be >> " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... >> >> Keep us posted hun, >> Frances >> >> >> > > >> > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN >> > > > >> > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were >> somehow >> > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to >> anymore >> > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to >> overlook many >> > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter >> again, >> > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, >> because it >> > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill >> the role >> > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I >> knew that >> > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse >> herself >> > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my >> hair >> > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even >> see was >> > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't >> want to >> > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at >> my face, >> > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she >> never >> > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And >> somehow I >> > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't >> say sorry >> > > > in the first place. >> > > > >> > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we >> share >> > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique >> > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who >> like to >> > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in >> the past, >> > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up >> for >> > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, >> huge mouth >> > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I >> should know >> > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. >> Call me >> > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a >> relationship >> > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it >> like it >> > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, >> myself >> > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what >> I've gone >> > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. >> She is >> > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put >> me >> > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called >> the >> > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's >> guidance >> > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have >> called the >> > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you >> out, throw >> > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing >> Jesus >> > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. >> How can a >> > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the >> hurt and >> > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's >> fine and >> > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me >> feel >> > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you >> so much >> > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is >> > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being >> > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. >> > > > >> > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom >> that >> > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when >> she is >> > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson >> style, >> > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and >> brother by >> > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest >> and told >> > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me >> she >> > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like >> that. >> > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't >> have to >> > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to >> the >> > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she >> identifies with >> > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives >> throwing >> > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot >> about >> > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, >> which is >> > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of >> the NJ >> > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada >> will yell >> > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind >> you, she >> > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was >> merely >> > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) >> knocks >> > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. >> > > > >> > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back >> to the >> > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, >> good and >> > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend >> herself. >> > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap >> top and I >> > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about >> it, and >> > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's >> what >> > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was >> because I >> > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even >> though I >> > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's >> because he >> > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step >> mom and >> > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, >> and now >> > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up >> the past, >> > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about >> my >> > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am >> bored. >> > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses >> me out, >> > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply >> don't >> > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She >> says I >> > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and >> also I >> > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my >> cousin) >> > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, >> which >> > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore >> > > > backstabbing and disloyal. >> > > > >> > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells >> with >> > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that >> she >> > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, >> maybe >> > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person >> lacking >> > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what >> happened >> > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking >> compassion. " >> > > > >> > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened >> NADA, it's >> > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and >> in >> > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably >> insane >> > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my >> mother, and >> > > > expecting different results. >> > > > >> > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's >> always the >> > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen >> to. And >> > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and >> we talk >> > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she >> will flip >> > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I >> allow it to. >> > > > >> > > > I keep answering her phone calls. >> > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom >> growing >> > > > old alone and disabled. >> > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not >> over >> > > > what happened. >> > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much >> about my >> > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry >> about ever >> > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry >> with >> > > > her. >> > > > >> > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the >> topics >> > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful >> relationship with >> > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get >> through >> > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about >> my >> > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about >> whatever I >> > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I >> know that >> > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to >> dealing >> > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is >> clearly >> > > > calling to fight. >> > > > >> > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in >> college, >> > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get >> financial aid, >> > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold >> over me. >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax >> papers. >> > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my >> financial aid. >> > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I >> shouldn't wait >> > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that >> it's not >> > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, >> she >> > > > feels used. >> > > > >> > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I >> feel so >> > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just >> ruin our >> > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship >> instead? It >> > > > seems like those are my only two options. >> > > > >> > > >> > > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 UPDATE: **** I emailed the financial aid office and told them about my mother's condition and refusal to comply with me for the tax information. I asked financial aid if there was a parent with mental illness clause for students. Let's see what happens! On Thu, Jul 22, 2010 at 12:28 PM, Lee Cubero wrote: > Thank you everyone for the much needed support. Every time I feel myself > wanting to let her back in, I will read these messages to reinforce that I > really DON'T want or need this toxic non-relationship. Great advice about > treating her like a coiled snake on top of the papers, and thanks to the > user who told me about the mentally ill clause. I feel embarrassed talking > about this to the financial aid counselors; I keep hearing my mom in my head > saying: " betray me, disloyal, ruining my name " and then I freak out. What if > she comes to graduation, and the whole school knows she's a loony-toon? This > is what I tend to do - freak out about the future when it hasn't even > happened yet, meanwhile let the present kind of just float on by! Terrible > living philosophy, yes I know. Anyway, to the user who says that her nada > says what are you going to go and cry to your counselor, " sounds just like > my mom! She would call me Ms. Brinn whenever we would fight, and since I > made the mistake of telling her that my counselor, ms. brinn, thought my mom > was manipulative and co-dependent, my mom would taunt me okay ms. brinn, or > Ms. Brinn doesn't have any children, so she doesn't know what a spoiled > bitch they can be... > > Just to let everyone know, I have been out of the house for a long while, > it's when I went to visit her for Easter that she flipped out on me, but > claims it was my fault. She was on medication that made her angry outbursts > more intense, and at first she excused her behavior and after a few weeks of > me going NC with my mom, I excused her behavior and wrote it off as a side > effect of the legally prescribed steroids. But, ever since she has still > been exhibiting classic BPD symptoms, the denial, the rage, and then > affection, telling me it's over, (the pushing away), the accusations, the > paranoia that I am going to hurt her! I am so tired of dealing with her > bullsh & t and honestly, I am the type of person who doesn't let it show day > in and day out -- you would never know that I grew up in a crazy house. And > part of me thinks that that's a good thing, but bad because I am always > suppressing my emotions, in fear of seeming irrational like my mother. > > I've got a lot of stuff to take care of with school. I already explained to > admissions that my grades totally went down in two classes because of my > mom's double illness or physical and mental disorders, so I really hope they > don't reject my transfer admission. > > I can't believe I still have these stupid fantasies of my mom being normal. > I really don't want to deal with this for the rest of my days. Part of me > wants to give her an ultimatum: " either you get help for your personality > disorder, or I never speak to you again. " > > Again, thanks for all the support and understanding. I really appreciate > you guys! > > -Kris > > > > >> >> >> >> >> Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency >> override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse >> or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify >> doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your >> financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be >> granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to >> fill out a paper copy). >> >> I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is >> HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* >> before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can >> afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I >> won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know >> what state she lives in. >> >> My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. >> I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You >> get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per >> month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you >> apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they >> asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who >> you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. >> If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you >> will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking >> around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a >> friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can >> negotiate a small fee (~$20). >> >> G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our >> relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), >> my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my >> lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and >> institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out >> all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to >> say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of >> " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and >> your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with >> self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill >> myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) >> >> I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that >> attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of >> her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that >> house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's >> not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say >> " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily >> visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed >> a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was >> written up for it's horrible conditions: >> http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html >> >> Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you >> gonna go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of >> being behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now >> and tell them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing >> anyone). So naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm >> just a whiny, spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me >> or anything, oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh >> wait, she sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually >> inappropriate and insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if >> I didn't want her to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me >> food and water, hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame >> tactics... " and on and on and on. >> >> Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if >> I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE >> BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the >> heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a >> break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or >> write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel >> guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at >> the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It >> comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your >> relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you >> may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in >> theory) on YOUR terms. >> >> I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this >> college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening >> when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits >> and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how >> messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back >> then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as >> I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but >> the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be >> " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... >> >> Keep us posted hun, >> Frances >> >> >> > > >> > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN >> > > > >> > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were >> somehow >> > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to >> anymore >> > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to >> overlook many >> > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter >> again, >> > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, >> because it >> > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill >> the role >> > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I >> knew that >> > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse >> herself >> > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my >> hair >> > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even >> see was >> > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't >> want to >> > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at >> my face, >> > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she >> never >> > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And >> somehow I >> > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't >> say sorry >> > > > in the first place. >> > > > >> > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we >> share >> > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique >> > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who >> like to >> > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in >> the past, >> > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up >> for >> > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, >> huge mouth >> > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I >> should know >> > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. >> Call me >> > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a >> relationship >> > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it >> like it >> > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, >> myself >> > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what >> I've gone >> > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. >> She is >> > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put >> me >> > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called >> the >> > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's >> guidance >> > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have >> called the >> > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you >> out, throw >> > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing >> Jesus >> > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. >> How can a >> > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the >> hurt and >> > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's >> fine and >> > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me >> feel >> > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you >> so much >> > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is >> > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being >> > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. >> > > > >> > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom >> that >> > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when >> she is >> > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson >> style, >> > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and >> brother by >> > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest >> and told >> > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me >> she >> > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like >> that. >> > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't >> have to >> > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to >> the >> > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she >> identifies with >> > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives >> throwing >> > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot >> about >> > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, >> which is >> > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of >> the NJ >> > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada >> will yell >> > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind >> you, she >> > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was >> merely >> > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) >> knocks >> > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. >> > > > >> > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back >> to the >> > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, >> good and >> > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend >> herself. >> > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap >> top and I >> > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about >> it, and >> > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's >> what >> > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was >> because I >> > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even >> though I >> > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's >> because he >> > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step >> mom and >> > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, >> and now >> > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up >> the past, >> > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about >> my >> > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am >> bored. >> > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses >> me out, >> > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply >> don't >> > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She >> says I >> > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and >> also I >> > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my >> cousin) >> > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, >> which >> > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore >> > > > backstabbing and disloyal. >> > > > >> > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells >> with >> > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that >> she >> > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, >> maybe >> > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person >> lacking >> > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what >> happened >> > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking >> compassion. " >> > > > >> > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened >> NADA, it's >> > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and >> in >> > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably >> insane >> > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my >> mother, and >> > > > expecting different results. >> > > > >> > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's >> always the >> > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen >> to. And >> > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and >> we talk >> > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she >> will flip >> > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I >> allow it to. >> > > > >> > > > I keep answering her phone calls. >> > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom >> growing >> > > > old alone and disabled. >> > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not >> over >> > > > what happened. >> > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much >> about my >> > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry >> about ever >> > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry >> with >> > > > her. >> > > > >> > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the >> topics >> > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful >> relationship with >> > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get >> through >> > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about >> my >> > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about >> whatever I >> > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I >> know that >> > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to >> dealing >> > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is >> clearly >> > > > calling to fight. >> > > > >> > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in >> college, >> > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get >> financial aid, >> > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold >> over me. >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax >> papers. >> > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my >> financial aid. >> > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I >> shouldn't wait >> > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that >> it's not >> > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, >> she >> > > > feels used. >> > > > >> > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I >> feel so >> > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just >> ruin our >> > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship >> instead? It >> > > > seems like those are my only two options. >> > > > >> > > >> > > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 UPDATE: **** I emailed the financial aid office and told them about my mother's condition and refusal to comply with me for the tax information. I asked financial aid if there was a parent with mental illness clause for students. Let's see what happens! On Thu, Jul 22, 2010 at 12:28 PM, Lee Cubero wrote: > Thank you everyone for the much needed support. Every time I feel myself > wanting to let her back in, I will read these messages to reinforce that I > really DON'T want or need this toxic non-relationship. Great advice about > treating her like a coiled snake on top of the papers, and thanks to the > user who told me about the mentally ill clause. I feel embarrassed talking > about this to the financial aid counselors; I keep hearing my mom in my head > saying: " betray me, disloyal, ruining my name " and then I freak out. What if > she comes to graduation, and the whole school knows she's a loony-toon? This > is what I tend to do - freak out about the future when it hasn't even > happened yet, meanwhile let the present kind of just float on by! Terrible > living philosophy, yes I know. Anyway, to the user who says that her nada > says what are you going to go and cry to your counselor, " sounds just like > my mom! She would call me Ms. Brinn whenever we would fight, and since I > made the mistake of telling her that my counselor, ms. brinn, thought my mom > was manipulative and co-dependent, my mom would taunt me okay ms. brinn, or > Ms. Brinn doesn't have any children, so she doesn't know what a spoiled > bitch they can be... > > Just to let everyone know, I have been out of the house for a long while, > it's when I went to visit her for Easter that she flipped out on me, but > claims it was my fault. She was on medication that made her angry outbursts > more intense, and at first she excused her behavior and after a few weeks of > me going NC with my mom, I excused her behavior and wrote it off as a side > effect of the legally prescribed steroids. But, ever since she has still > been exhibiting classic BPD symptoms, the denial, the rage, and then > affection, telling me it's over, (the pushing away), the accusations, the > paranoia that I am going to hurt her! I am so tired of dealing with her > bullsh & t and honestly, I am the type of person who doesn't let it show day > in and day out -- you would never know that I grew up in a crazy house. And > part of me thinks that that's a good thing, but bad because I am always > suppressing my emotions, in fear of seeming irrational like my mother. > > I've got a lot of stuff to take care of with school. I already explained to > admissions that my grades totally went down in two classes because of my > mom's double illness or physical and mental disorders, so I really hope they > don't reject my transfer admission. > > I can't believe I still have these stupid fantasies of my mom being normal. > I really don't want to deal with this for the rest of my days. Part of me > wants to give her an ultimatum: " either you get help for your personality > disorder, or I never speak to you again. " > > Again, thanks for all the support and understanding. I really appreciate > you guys! > > -Kris > > > > >> >> >> >> >> Talk to your financial aid office about getting yourself a " dependency >> override " You can't get one just because you're self-sufficient, but abuse >> or inability to find contact information qualify. Just because you qualify >> doesn't mean that you'll be granted one because it's 100% up to your >> financial aid office. It has to be re-granted every year, and it has to be >> granted BEFORE you fill out a FAFSA (because with the override you have to >> fill out a paper copy). >> >> I'm a 19-year-old college student with the same problem. My school is >> HORRIBLE about dependency overrides. Luckily I got my mom's taxes *right* >> before we went NC, so I was able to apply for aid--we get enough that I can >> afford college on my own (barely). I'm trying to graduate early because I >> won't be able to get her forms next year, and I literally don't even know >> what state she lives in. >> >> My Nada also used to pay my phone bill. Getting your own phone isn't bad. >> I'd suggest a pre-paid monthly plan, like the ones offered by Verizon. You >> get the perks of a regular/contract plan, but you pay, like, an extra $5 per >> month. I'm assuming that you, like me, have no credit history... if you >> apply for a phone contract, you will be asked to pay a HUGE deposit (they >> asked me for ~$400). THis does mean that you'll have to pay attention to who >> you call (network) and keep track of your minutes, but it's not hard at all. >> If you end up having to switch providers (AT & T to Verizon, for example), you >> will have to procure a new phone. New phones are expensive, so try asking >> around (or posting an announcement) for someone's old phone. Sometimes a >> friend or co-worker will just *give* you one, and sometimes you can >> negotiate a small fee (~$20). >> >> G-d... we must have had the same Nada. Mine claimed that all our >> relationship problems were based on my lack of respect for her (not true), >> my " Americanization " (we're Canadian, it's not *that* different), and my >> lack of loyalty (she claimed I was trying to replace her with my friends and >> institutions). One of my " baby " stories was that she wished I would come out >> all grown up so we could be friends and go out dancing together. Needless to >> say, I got WAY more info than I *ever* wanted. She would accuse me of >> " parent abuse " and say, " oh you're afraid of ME, well I'm afraid of YOU and >> your unpredictable dark side " (by which she means that I struggled with >> self-harm and an eating disorder in middle/highschool and tried to kill >> myself when I finally couldn't take her crazy anymore) >> >> I never called the police, but the psych hospital I ended up in after that >> attempt was the equivalent of your police incident. After a week or so of >> her, they flat out told me " do whatever you have to do, just get out of that >> house " and " she's the parent and should be setting the boundaries, but she's >> not going to, so you're gonna have to set them. " It was great, I could say >> " I can't talk to her " (endless phone calls) or " I won't see her " (daily >> visits), and the staff would support me. She kept interfering and they filed >> a CPS report. My Nada had me transferred to Kings County Hospital which was >> written up for it's horrible conditions: >> http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/nyregion/06kings.html >> >> Whenever we had an argument, she would taunt me by saying " oh are you >> gonna go cut yourself now, go do it, see if I care " (even after YEARS of >> being behavior free) or " oh, you're going to go cry to your counselor now >> and tell them what a *horrible* mommy you have? " (when I wasn't seeing >> anyone). So naturally, I start thinking, oh maybe she's right, " maybe I'm >> just a whiny, spoiled brat like she tells me I am, it's not like she hit me >> or anything, oh wait, yes she did. At least she never sexually abused me, oh >> wait, she sent me BACK to my molester and was *really* sexually >> inappropriate and insisted on sleeping naked in a bed with me and got mad if >> I didn't want her to hug/cuddle/touch me, eugh. It's not like she denied me >> food and water, hmmm unless you count all the forced diets and shame >> tactics... " and on and on and on. >> >> Hun, I'm 19, and I did it. It's hard and scary and I still don't know if >> I'm going to finish college on the time line I want to, but I HAVE MY LIFE >> BACK! Get a job, find a place, move out, get a phone, figure out what the >> heck is happening with your financial aid, figure out if you have to take a >> break for this next year, and just *stop* talking to her. Hang onto (or >> write down) mementos of her " crazy " that you can refer to when you feel >> guilty... I'm a fan of the angry emails. It's gut-wreching and new, but at >> the end of the day, it's YOUR life and YOU'RE the one stuck living it. It >> comes down to: which to you value more? Your health/sanity/safety or your >> relationship with Nada? Also, you don't have to go NC forever... one day you >> may choose to try and get back in touch, but it will be YOUR choice and (in >> theory) on YOUR terms. >> >> I wish I had " gotten out " earlier... before I got into this >> college/financial aid mess. I wish I had told a teacher what was happening >> when I was little. I wish I had told CPS the WHOLE story, and not just bits >> and pieces. I wish I had run away. I just wish I had drawn attention to how >> messed up and abusive my home was when I was still CLEARLY a child. Back >> then her behavior was classic, textbook abuse. It became more complicated as >> I got older. And now, I'm over 18, and legally I'm an independent adult, but >> the darn financial aid part of the government just assumes that I will be >> " dependent " until I'm 25. Grrrr... >> >> Keep us posted hun, >> Frances >> >> >> > > >> > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN >> > > > >> > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were >> somehow >> > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to >> anymore >> > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to >> overlook many >> > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter >> again, >> > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, >> because it >> > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill >> the role >> > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I >> knew that >> > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse >> herself >> > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my >> hair >> > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even >> see was >> > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't >> want to >> > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at >> my face, >> > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she >> never >> > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And >> somehow I >> > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't >> say sorry >> > > > in the first place. >> > > > >> > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we >> share >> > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique >> > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who >> like to >> > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in >> the past, >> > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up >> for >> > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, >> huge mouth >> > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I >> should know >> > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. >> Call me >> > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a >> relationship >> > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it >> like it >> > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, >> myself >> > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what >> I've gone >> > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. >> She is >> > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put >> me >> > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called >> the >> > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's >> guidance >> > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have >> called the >> > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you >> out, throw >> > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing >> Jesus >> > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. >> How can a >> > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the >> hurt and >> > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's >> fine and >> > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me >> feel >> > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you >> so much >> > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is >> > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being >> > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. >> > > > >> > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom >> that >> > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when >> she is >> > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson >> style, >> > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and >> brother by >> > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest >> and told >> > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me >> she >> > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like >> that. >> > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't >> have to >> > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to >> the >> > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she >> identifies with >> > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives >> throwing >> > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot >> about >> > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, >> which is >> > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of >> the NJ >> > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada >> will yell >> > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind >> you, she >> > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was >> merely >> > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) >> knocks >> > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. >> > > > >> > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back >> to the >> > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, >> good and >> > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend >> herself. >> > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap >> top and I >> > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about >> it, and >> > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's >> what >> > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was >> because I >> > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even >> though I >> > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's >> because he >> > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step >> mom and >> > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, >> and now >> > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up >> the past, >> > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about >> my >> > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am >> bored. >> > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses >> me out, >> > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply >> don't >> > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She >> says I >> > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and >> also I >> > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my >> cousin) >> > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, >> which >> > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore >> > > > backstabbing and disloyal. >> > > > >> > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells >> with >> > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that >> she >> > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, >> maybe >> > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person >> lacking >> > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what >> happened >> > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking >> compassion. " >> > > > >> > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened >> NADA, it's >> > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and >> in >> > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably >> insane >> > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my >> mother, and >> > > > expecting different results. >> > > > >> > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's >> always the >> > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen >> to. And >> > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and >> we talk >> > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she >> will flip >> > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I >> allow it to. >> > > > >> > > > I keep answering her phone calls. >> > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom >> growing >> > > > old alone and disabled. >> > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not >> over >> > > > what happened. >> > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much >> about my >> > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry >> about ever >> > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry >> with >> > > > her. >> > > > >> > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the >> topics >> > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful >> relationship with >> > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get >> through >> > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about >> my >> > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about >> whatever I >> > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I >> know that >> > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to >> dealing >> > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is >> clearly >> > > > calling to fight. >> > > > >> > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in >> college, >> > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get >> financial aid, >> > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold >> over me. >> > > > >> > > > >> > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax >> papers. >> > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my >> financial aid. >> > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I >> shouldn't wait >> > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that >> it's not >> > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, >> she >> > > > feels used. >> > > > >> > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I >> feel so >> > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just >> ruin our >> > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship >> instead? It >> > > > seems like those are my only two options. >> > > > >> > > >> > > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 I wish you so much luck with this . I really hope things are more enlightened now. Back when I was 18 my mother did give me what I needed to do the forms, but the government response was that there had to be a " parental contribution " of a certain amount or I could not get grants or loans. She told me she was too poor to make that contribution. That resulted in me living at home going for all four years for undergrad - also forced to give up the option to go to better universities that I had scholarships too that didn't cover room and board. I'll never know if she was lying or not, but I have my suspicions. In hindsight I now wonder too how true it was that I couldn't get the loans...after all she was " helping " me read and interpret the paperwork. > >> > > > >> > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > >> > > > > >> > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were > >> somehow > >> > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to > >> anymore > >> > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to > >> overlook many > >> > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter > >> again, > >> > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, > >> because it > >> > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill > >> the role > >> > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I > >> knew that > >> > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse > >> herself > >> > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my > >> hair > >> > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even > >> see was > >> > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't > >> want to > >> > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at > >> my face, > >> > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she > >> never > >> > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And > >> somehow I > >> > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't > >> say sorry > >> > > > in the first place. > >> > > > > >> > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we > >> share > >> > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > >> > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who > >> like to > >> > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in > >> the past, > >> > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up > >> for > >> > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, > >> huge mouth > >> > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I > >> should know > >> > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. > >> Call me > >> > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a > >> relationship > >> > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it > >> like it > >> > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, > >> myself > >> > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what > >> I've gone > >> > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. > >> She is > >> > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put > >> me > >> > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called > >> the > >> > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's > >> guidance > >> > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have > >> called the > >> > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you > >> out, throw > >> > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing > >> Jesus > >> > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. > >> How can a > >> > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the > >> hurt and > >> > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's > >> fine and > >> > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me > >> feel > >> > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you > >> so much > >> > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > >> > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > >> > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > >> > > > > >> > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom > >> that > >> > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when > >> she is > >> > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson > >> style, > >> > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and > >> brother by > >> > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest > >> and told > >> > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me > >> she > >> > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like > >> that. > >> > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't > >> have to > >> > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to > >> the > >> > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she > >> identifies with > >> > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives > >> throwing > >> > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot > >> about > >> > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, > >> which is > >> > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of > >> the NJ > >> > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada > >> will yell > >> > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind > >> you, she > >> > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was > >> merely > >> > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) > >> knocks > >> > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > >> > > > > >> > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back > >> to the > >> > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, > >> good and > >> > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend > >> herself. > >> > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap > >> top and I > >> > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about > >> it, and > >> > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's > >> what > >> > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was > >> because I > >> > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even > >> though I > >> > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's > >> because he > >> > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step > >> mom and > >> > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, > >> and now > >> > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up > >> the past, > >> > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about > >> my > >> > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am > >> bored. > >> > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses > >> me out, > >> > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply > >> don't > >> > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She > >> says I > >> > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and > >> also I > >> > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my > >> cousin) > >> > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, > >> which > >> > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > >> > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > >> > > > > >> > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells > >> with > >> > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that > >> she > >> > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, > >> maybe > >> > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person > >> lacking > >> > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what > >> happened > >> > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking > >> compassion. " > >> > > > > >> > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > >> NADA, it's > >> > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and > >> in > >> > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably > >> insane > >> > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my > >> mother, and > >> > > > expecting different results. > >> > > > > >> > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's > >> always the > >> > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen > >> to. And > >> > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and > >> we talk > >> > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she > >> will flip > >> > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I > >> allow it to. > >> > > > > >> > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > >> > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom > >> growing > >> > > > old alone and disabled. > >> > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not > >> over > >> > > > what happened. > >> > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much > >> about my > >> > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry > >> about ever > >> > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry > >> with > >> > > > her. > >> > > > > >> > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the > >> topics > >> > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful > >> relationship with > >> > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get > >> through > >> > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about > >> my > >> > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about > >> whatever I > >> > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I > >> know that > >> > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to > >> dealing > >> > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is > >> clearly > >> > > > calling to fight. > >> > > > > >> > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in > >> college, > >> > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get > >> financial aid, > >> > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold > >> over me. > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax > >> papers. > >> > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my > >> financial aid. > >> > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I > >> shouldn't wait > >> > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that > >> it's not > >> > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, > >> she > >> > > > feels used. > >> > > > > >> > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I > >> feel so > >> > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just > >> ruin our > >> > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship > >> instead? It > >> > > > seems like those are my only two options. > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 I wish you so much luck with this . I really hope things are more enlightened now. Back when I was 18 my mother did give me what I needed to do the forms, but the government response was that there had to be a " parental contribution " of a certain amount or I could not get grants or loans. She told me she was too poor to make that contribution. That resulted in me living at home going for all four years for undergrad - also forced to give up the option to go to better universities that I had scholarships too that didn't cover room and board. I'll never know if she was lying or not, but I have my suspicions. In hindsight I now wonder too how true it was that I couldn't get the loans...after all she was " helping " me read and interpret the paperwork. > >> > > > >> > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > >> > > > > >> > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were > >> somehow > >> > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to > >> anymore > >> > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to > >> overlook many > >> > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter > >> again, > >> > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, > >> because it > >> > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill > >> the role > >> > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I > >> knew that > >> > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse > >> herself > >> > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my > >> hair > >> > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even > >> see was > >> > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't > >> want to > >> > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at > >> my face, > >> > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she > >> never > >> > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And > >> somehow I > >> > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't > >> say sorry > >> > > > in the first place. > >> > > > > >> > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we > >> share > >> > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > >> > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who > >> like to > >> > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in > >> the past, > >> > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up > >> for > >> > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, > >> huge mouth > >> > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I > >> should know > >> > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. > >> Call me > >> > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a > >> relationship > >> > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it > >> like it > >> > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, > >> myself > >> > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what > >> I've gone > >> > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. > >> She is > >> > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put > >> me > >> > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called > >> the > >> > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's > >> guidance > >> > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have > >> called the > >> > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you > >> out, throw > >> > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing > >> Jesus > >> > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. > >> How can a > >> > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the > >> hurt and > >> > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's > >> fine and > >> > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me > >> feel > >> > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you > >> so much > >> > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > >> > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > >> > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > >> > > > > >> > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom > >> that > >> > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when > >> she is > >> > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson > >> style, > >> > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and > >> brother by > >> > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest > >> and told > >> > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me > >> she > >> > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like > >> that. > >> > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't > >> have to > >> > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to > >> the > >> > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she > >> identifies with > >> > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives > >> throwing > >> > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot > >> about > >> > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, > >> which is > >> > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of > >> the NJ > >> > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada > >> will yell > >> > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind > >> you, she > >> > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was > >> merely > >> > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) > >> knocks > >> > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > >> > > > > >> > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back > >> to the > >> > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, > >> good and > >> > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend > >> herself. > >> > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap > >> top and I > >> > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about > >> it, and > >> > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's > >> what > >> > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was > >> because I > >> > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even > >> though I > >> > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's > >> because he > >> > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step > >> mom and > >> > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, > >> and now > >> > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up > >> the past, > >> > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about > >> my > >> > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am > >> bored. > >> > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses > >> me out, > >> > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply > >> don't > >> > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She > >> says I > >> > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and > >> also I > >> > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my > >> cousin) > >> > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, > >> which > >> > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > >> > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > >> > > > > >> > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells > >> with > >> > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that > >> she > >> > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, > >> maybe > >> > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person > >> lacking > >> > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what > >> happened > >> > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking > >> compassion. " > >> > > > > >> > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > >> NADA, it's > >> > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and > >> in > >> > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably > >> insane > >> > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my > >> mother, and > >> > > > expecting different results. > >> > > > > >> > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's > >> always the > >> > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen > >> to. And > >> > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and > >> we talk > >> > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she > >> will flip > >> > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I > >> allow it to. > >> > > > > >> > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > >> > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom > >> growing > >> > > > old alone and disabled. > >> > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not > >> over > >> > > > what happened. > >> > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much > >> about my > >> > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry > >> about ever > >> > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry > >> with > >> > > > her. > >> > > > > >> > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the > >> topics > >> > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful > >> relationship with > >> > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get > >> through > >> > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about > >> my > >> > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about > >> whatever I > >> > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I > >> know that > >> > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to > >> dealing > >> > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is > >> clearly > >> > > > calling to fight. > >> > > > > >> > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in > >> college, > >> > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get > >> financial aid, > >> > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold > >> over me. > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax > >> papers. > >> > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my > >> financial aid. > >> > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I > >> shouldn't wait > >> > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that > >> it's not > >> > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, > >> she > >> > > > feels used. > >> > > > > >> > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I > >> feel so > >> > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just > >> ruin our > >> > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship > >> instead? It > >> > > > seems like those are my only two options. > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 I wish you so much luck with this . I really hope things are more enlightened now. Back when I was 18 my mother did give me what I needed to do the forms, but the government response was that there had to be a " parental contribution " of a certain amount or I could not get grants or loans. She told me she was too poor to make that contribution. That resulted in me living at home going for all four years for undergrad - also forced to give up the option to go to better universities that I had scholarships too that didn't cover room and board. I'll never know if she was lying or not, but I have my suspicions. In hindsight I now wonder too how true it was that I couldn't get the loans...after all she was " helping " me read and interpret the paperwork. > >> > > > >> > > > This is long, but I needed to do this AGAIN > >> > > > > >> > > > It's almost funny, I thought that the problems with my nada were > >> somehow > >> > > > solved and that I wouldn't be needing to read, write, or respond to > >> anymore > >> > > > of these adult children of borderline posts. I had decided to > >> overlook many > >> > > > of the abuses my mother put me through and try to be her daughter > >> again, > >> > > > even her confidant. I let her back into my life way too easily, > >> because it > >> > > > is familiar and comfortable for my mother to simultaneously fulfill > >> the role > >> > > > as my best friend, mom, child, and worst enemy. And even though I > >> knew that > >> > > > I was still angry with her, livid actually, that she could excuse > >> herself > >> > > > from the many wrongs she hurt me with - cursing me out, pulling my > >> hair > >> > > > because I didn't wipe down the bathroom sink (which I didn't even > >> see was > >> > > > wet, or make wet) , digging her nails in my arm because I didn't > >> want to > >> > > > drive her somewhere, throwing objects like brushes and suitcases at > >> my face, > >> > > > calling me an evil, no good daughter.. all of these many hurts she > >> never > >> > > > apologized for and made it seem like I was overreacting.. And > >> somehow I > >> > > > wanted to be the better person and forgive her, even if she didn't > >> say sorry > >> > > > in the first place. > >> > > > > >> > > > So how do I end up writing these mass e-mails to strangers who if we > >> share > >> > > > nothing else in common, like the love of asian cuisine, and antique > >> > > > shopping, at least we know that we all have no good mothers, who > >> like to > >> > > > remind you over and over how much they have sacrificed for you in > >> the past, > >> > > > and how ungrateful we are because we have now decided to stand up > >> for > >> > > > ourselves and confront them. And that's my problem: I have a big, > >> huge mouth > >> > > > that gets me into trouble with my mother. Being a borderline, I > >> should know > >> > > > what NOT to say to my mom.. The topics that are sure to set her off. > >> Call me > >> > > > young, naive, and idealistic, but I don't want to belong in a > >> relationship > >> > > > with someone that I have to walk on eggshells with. I want to say it > >> like it > >> > > > is, just the way my mom does. How come she gets to bash everyone, > >> myself > >> > > > included. But the minute I stand up for myself, she belittles what > >> I've gone > >> > > > through, and tells me that I WAS THE ONE WHO TREATED HER LIKE CRAP. > >> She is > >> > > > constantly taking away my pain by making it seem like what she put > >> me > >> > > > through was " nothing compared to the way I treated her when I called > >> the > >> > > > cops and threatened to tell Ms. Telerico, my little brother's > >> guidance > >> > > > counselour about what's going on in the house. " You would have > >> called the > >> > > > police too. I had no way out. This is a woman who will curse you > >> out, throw > >> > > > a small albeit heavy object at your face, and then proceed to sing > >> Jesus > >> > > > music -- a tactic which makes you confused, makes you sick inside. > >> How can a > >> > > > person take your feelings, steal them and pretend that none of the > >> hurt and > >> > > > pain ever happened to you?! Then days later call me up like it's > >> fine and > >> > > > say I love you, you're my everything, and of course that makes me > >> feel > >> > > > vulnerable and so I say mom, I can only get one mom and I love you > >> so much > >> > > > too. But getting her to apologize and admit to having borderline is > >> > > > impossible. She'll just make excuses and blame me for not being > >> > > > compassionate. Which sets me off, and it's a vicious cycle. > >> > > > > >> > > > Back to my big mouth that gets me in trouble. Anytime I tell my mom > >> that > >> > > > she needs help and needs to see a counselor and this is usually when > >> she is > >> > > > cursing me out and telling me what a lousy daughter I am Mel Gibson > >> style, > >> > > > she loses it even more. Also, anytime I mention my step mom and > >> brother by > >> > > > my dad's side, she loses her mind. And, when I wanted to be honest > >> and told > >> > > > her that I told my cousin danielle about the way she was treating me > >> she > >> > > > said I wasn't loyal and how could I portray her in a bad light like > >> that. > >> > > > Well, mom, maybe if you didn't DO these horrible actions, I wouldn't > >> have to > >> > > > reach out to a sane person for help. She likes to compare herself to > >> the > >> > > > Jersey Housewives, and says that these are the women who she > >> identifies with > >> > > > most. Didn't I just recently catch a clip of one of the housewives > >> throwing > >> > > > a table upside down in a irrational fit of rage? My mom talks a lot > >> about > >> > > > loyalty and how I betray her all the time, and how I backstab her, > >> which is > >> > > > a form of abandonment in her eyes. She says that the daughters of > >> the NJ > >> > > > housewives are loyal to FAMILY. What are we the mafia now? My nada > >> will yell > >> > > > at me that she can never trust me after the police incident. Mind > >> you, she > >> > > > pretended to call the police on me all the time, even though I was > >> merely > >> > > > defending myself from a woman who (supposedly physically disabled) > >> knocks > >> > > > down my door because once she's angry there's no escaping her wrath. > >> > > > > >> > > > I block these memories out, and instead I focus on trying to go back > >> to the > >> > > > good times, the times where I could talk to my mom about anything, > >> good and > >> > > > bad. But now it just seems like she'll use anything I say to defend > >> herself. > >> > > > I was angry with my brother because he wouldn't let me use his lap > >> top and I > >> > > > always go out of the way to make him happy, so I told my mom about > >> it, and > >> > > > she said " so why are you calling me " in a sarcastic tone, and that's > >> what > >> > > > set her off. She said that the whole reason we were fighting was > >> because I > >> > > > told her that my brother doesn't like to leave the house, even > >> though I > >> > > > offer to take him out all the time and then she commented, that's > >> because he > >> > > > has a bad mother.. and well, I have a good relationship with my step > >> mom and > >> > > > don't think it's my mom's place to bash her.. So I got mad about it, > >> and now > >> > > > in the future when I bring up my brother she proceeds to bring up > >> the past, > >> > > > call my step mom derogatory names, say she doesn't give a crap about > >> my > >> > > > problems, and that I only call her when I have problems or when I am > >> bored. > >> > > > She proceeds to list off all the reasons why I am terrible, curses > >> me out, > >> > > > then in a whirlwind tells me how much she loves me and that I simply > >> don't > >> > > > respect her, and my lack of respect is the root of our problems. She > >> says I > >> > > > should be loyal and not stick up for " that woman " (my step mom) and > >> also I > >> > > > shouldn't discuss any of my problems with her side of the family (my > >> cousin) > >> > > > because they already " hate " her and I'm placing her in a bad light, > >> which > >> > > > means I am not looking out for her best interest and am therefore > >> > > > backstabbing and disloyal. > >> > > > > >> > > > The best was she told me that she was tired of walking on eggshells > >> with > >> > > > me, A LINE THAT I'VE USED ON HER SO MANY TIMES IT'S RIDICULOUS that > >> she > >> > > > always manages to steal my thunder and then make me confused. Wait, > >> maybe > >> > > > she wasn't treating me all that bad, maybe I am a despicable person > >> lacking > >> > > > compassion. I just can't take her apologies -- " Oh I'm sorry what > >> happened > >> > > > Kris, it's not your fault that you're a spoiled brat, lacking > >> compassion. " > >> > > > > >> > > > What if I turned around and said -- " Oh I'm sorry what happened > >> NADA, it's > >> > > > not your fault that your a wicked bitch, insane in the membrane and > >> in > >> > > > complete denial. " Actually, I may be the one who is certifiably > >> insane > >> > > > because I keep doing the same merry go round of madess with my > >> mother, and > >> > > > expecting different results. > >> > > > > >> > > > She is always the first one to tell me: " It's over. " And she's > >> always the > >> > > > one to leave 20 messages on my voice mail, which I don't even listen > >> to. And > >> > > > she's always the first one who calls me days later like nothing and > >> we talk > >> > > > like old girl friends. And then another few days will pass and she > >> will flip > >> > > > out, bring up the past, and the cycle continues. Why? Because I > >> allow it to. > >> > > > > >> > > > I keep answering her phone calls. > >> > > > My mom is physically disabled so I guess I feel guilty about my mom > >> growing > >> > > > old alone and disabled. > >> > > > But the truth is, we need to see a counselor because we are both not > >> over > >> > > > what happened. > >> > > > I just keep sweeping it under the rug, telling her way too much > >> about my > >> > > > personal life, and then allowing her to blow up and feeling sorry > >> about ever > >> > > > letting her back into my life so intimately when I am still so angry > >> with > >> > > > her. > >> > > > > >> > > > I know that in order to have a relationship I can't bring up the > >> topics > >> > > > that make her so volatile. But I can't have a meaningful > >> relationship with > >> > > > someone that I have to verbally cater to and pamper in order to get > >> through > >> > > > the conversation. And am I supposed to allow her to talk sh*t about > >> my > >> > > > family, and don't I have the right to talk to my cousin about > >> whatever I > >> > > > want. She admitted that she told her friends what was going on.. I > >> know that > >> > > > I need to learn how to shut my big, honest mouth when it comes to > >> dealing > >> > > > with my mom. I also shouldn't pick up her phone calls when she is > >> clearly > >> > > > calling to fight. > >> > > > > >> > > > And what about this financial dependence? I mean, I'm 19 and in > >> college, > >> > > > and the school still needs her information so that I can get > >> financial aid, > >> > > > and also my mom pays my phone bill, so she's pretty much got a hold > >> over me. > >> > > > > >> > > > > >> > > > Because we were fighting so much she " forgot " to send me her tax > >> papers. > >> > > > And the school needed those papers months ago to process my > >> financial aid. > >> > > > The best is I ask her every week and she will tell me that I > >> shouldn't wait > >> > > > until last minute, and that I should be more responsible, also that > >> it's not > >> > > > fair to her that all I ever want is for her to do something for me, > >> she > >> > > > feels used. > >> > > > > >> > > > So I think that I want to go NC. No contact. But how can I when I > >> feel so > >> > > > guilty and so dependent on my mom? And won't going no contact just > >> ruin our > >> > > > relationship? So should we have a fake, volatile relationship > >> instead? It > >> > > > seems like those are my only two options. > >> > > > > >> > > > >> > > > >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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