Re: To Read or Not to Read?

[Guest guest]

That is my question.

My dad died in 2004 and my mother went even further off the deep end, as

Nadas are prone to doing when they are " abandoned " by someone's death. She

relied on him for everything - I felt she had him trained, and to be honest,

I thought she was bone idle for the last 10 years or so of his life.

I knew she was a narcissist, but didn't know about bpd, and although I now

realize she was a high-functioning bpd my entire life, I was so enmeshed

that it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I began to realize she had major

problems.

For a long time I thought she had dementia, which she does now have, but

looking back I realize it was just the bpd getting worse as she aged - she

became very hermity-waify.

After my dad died she started writing him letters. In the world of normals

this could be a sweet and poignant project. But no - the letters were a

litany of how bad her life was.

In 2007 she took an overdose hoping to die, and as I have said before,

told everyone who would listen that it was because she and I didn't

" interact " enough. And again, for those of you who don't remember me saying this

(I

think I have :-) ) I was recovering from a traumatic and life-altering

injury at the time, and was a little busy with the wheelchair and rehab to be

doing much " interacting " with anyone.

Fast forward to four months ago. She went into a nursing home due to

advancing dementia. While working on her condo getting it ready to rent (still

not done - it's hard for me to be there), I " found " a binder full of these

letters.

They were left in a clearly visible place in the living room where they

would surely be found.

Well I started reading them, and was appalled. They are filled with vitriol

and gaslighting about what I did and didn't do, and what my husband and

daughter did and didn't do.

An example: She writes about not being at our home for the entire year of

2005. Um, gee. I guess I hallucinated all the holiday and birthday parties?

The final page in the book was a suicide note explaining why our treatment

of her made her need to kill herself.

Thank God nobody else found these - I have no idea what their reaction

would be. It is entirely plausible that someone reading them would believe all

the insanity and think I am a really horrible person.

Anyway, my question is this: I have only skimmed the letters. My daughter

read a lot of them, which infuriated her. Although she says they'd make a

great one-woman play - with background scenes of what really happened being

shown while the woman read the letters out loud.

My daughter says I should not read them - we still have them out in the

garage. My husband says I should destroy them - he read some that accused him

of things he didn't do, and he is royally peeved. I am not sure. Should I

read them or burn them? Will reading them help cement in my spirit that she

is truly insane and help me come to terms with it?

Or will reading them further damage me and cause even more pain to my

already wounded spirit? Like many KOs I struggle with dysthymia. Will it make

it worse?

What would you do?

I'm open to anything and everything you want to tell me about this - I am

leaning toward not. So if you think not, please convince me to destroy these

d*mn letters.

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

First of all, I'm glad you recognize your mother's craziness for what it is, and

gaslighting and all of that as being a real thing. You are not a terrible

person. I know you already know that but it never hurts to be told again. You

deserve to live your life, and I'm glad you're living it.

My vote is that you don't read the letters, at least not right now. There are

other more positive things for you to read, ways for you to heal and move on

that don't entail reading poisonous, negative, frustrating nastygrams. I do like

your daughter's idea of making them into a play. If your daughter can read them

- someone who is a generation removed - without getting upset, then I wouldn't

destroy them. It's important for us to get the story out there, and who knows?

The letters might really be turned into something productive someday. But

they're a little like kryptonite - they could harm you if you get too close, so

I say you leave them alone or better yet, put them in storage or hand them over

to your daughter completely.

Thanks for posting,

>

> That is my question.

> My dad died in 2004 and my mother went even further off the deep end, as

> Nadas are prone to doing when they are " abandoned " by someone's death. She

> relied on him for everything - I felt she had him trained, and to be honest,

> I thought she was bone idle for the last 10 years or so of his life.

> I knew she was a narcissist, but didn't know about bpd, and although I now

> realize she was a high-functioning bpd my entire life, I was so enmeshed

> that it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I began to realize she had major

> problems.

> For a long time I thought she had dementia, which she does now have, but

> looking back I realize it was just the bpd getting worse as she aged - she

> became very hermity-waify.

> After my dad died she started writing him letters. In the world of normals

> this could be a sweet and poignant project. But no - the letters were a

> litany of how bad her life was.

> In 2007 she took an overdose hoping to die, and as I have said before,

> told everyone who would listen that it was because she and I didn't

> " interact " enough. And again, for those of you who don't remember me saying

this (I

> think I have :-) ) I was recovering from a traumatic and life-altering

> injury at the time, and was a little busy with the wheelchair and rehab to be

> doing much " interacting " with anyone.

> Fast forward to four months ago. She went into a nursing home due to

> advancing dementia. While working on her condo getting it ready to rent (still

> not done - it's hard for me to be there), I " found " a binder full of these

> letters.

> They were left in a clearly visible place in the living room where they

> would surely be found.

> Well I started reading them, and was appalled. They are filled with vitriol

> and gaslighting about what I did and didn't do, and what my husband and

> daughter did and didn't do.

> An example: She writes about not being at our home for the entire year of

> 2005. Um, gee. I guess I hallucinated all the holiday and birthday parties?

> The final page in the book was a suicide note explaining why our treatment

> of her made her need to kill herself.

> Thank God nobody else found these - I have no idea what their reaction

> would be. It is entirely plausible that someone reading them would believe all

> the insanity and think I am a really horrible person.

>

> Anyway, my question is this: I have only skimmed the letters. My daughter

> read a lot of them, which infuriated her. Although she says they'd make a

> great one-woman play - with background scenes of what really happened being

> shown while the woman read the letters out loud.

>

> My daughter says I should not read them - we still have them out in the

> garage. My husband says I should destroy them - he read some that accused him

> of things he didn't do, and he is royally peeved. I am not sure. Should I

> read them or burn them? Will reading them help cement in my spirit that she

> is truly insane and help me come to terms with it?

> Or will reading them further damage me and cause even more pain to my

> already wounded spirit? Like many KOs I struggle with dysthymia. Will it make

> it worse?

>

> What would you do?

>

> I'm open to anything and everything you want to tell me about this - I am

> leaning toward not. So if you think not, please convince me to destroy these

> d*mn letters.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

that must be a really hard decision. I think that you could keep them and in

the moments when you think 'am I crazy' or, 'was it really that bad' you could

read just one of them. years ago I kept a journal for a while where I made a

list of all the incredibly messed up and crazy things my father said to me. it

was over a period of just a few months and I come across it every once in a

while and it really zaps me back into the reality of just how nutso the man

really is. I am glad you are the ones that found it, and I totally agree about

the play, that is a brilliant idea. If you wanted you could 'rebutt' each

letter with a version of your own. I think if you wait long enough one day the

answer of what you should do will come to you. Hugs.

>

> That is my question.

> My dad died in 2004 and my mother went even further off the deep end, as

> Nadas are prone to doing when they are " abandoned " by someone's death. She

> relied on him for everything - I felt she had him trained, and to be honest,

> I thought she was bone idle for the last 10 years or so of his life.

> I knew she was a narcissist, but didn't know about bpd, and although I now

> realize she was a high-functioning bpd my entire life, I was so enmeshed

> that it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I began to realize she had major

> problems.

> For a long time I thought she had dementia, which she does now have, but

> looking back I realize it was just the bpd getting worse as she aged - she

> became very hermity-waify.

> After my dad died she started writing him letters. In the world of normals

> this could be a sweet and poignant project. But no - the letters were a

> litany of how bad her life was.

> In 2007 she took an overdose hoping to die, and as I have said before,

> told everyone who would listen that it was because she and I didn't

> " interact " enough. And again, for those of you who don't remember me saying

this (I

> think I have :-) ) I was recovering from a traumatic and life-altering

> injury at the time, and was a little busy with the wheelchair and rehab to be

> doing much " interacting " with anyone.

> Fast forward to four months ago. She went into a nursing home due to

> advancing dementia. While working on her condo getting it ready to rent (still

> not done - it's hard for me to be there), I " found " a binder full of these

> letters.

> They were left in a clearly visible place in the living room where they

> would surely be found.

> Well I started reading them, and was appalled. They are filled with vitriol

> and gaslighting about what I did and didn't do, and what my husband and

> daughter did and didn't do.

> An example: She writes about not being at our home for the entire year of

> 2005. Um, gee. I guess I hallucinated all the holiday and birthday parties?

> The final page in the book was a suicide note explaining why our treatment

> of her made her need to kill herself.

> Thank God nobody else found these - I have no idea what their reaction

> would be. It is entirely plausible that someone reading them would believe all

> the insanity and think I am a really horrible person.

>

> Anyway, my question is this: I have only skimmed the letters. My daughter

> read a lot of them, which infuriated her. Although she says they'd make a

> great one-woman play - with background scenes of what really happened being

> shown while the woman read the letters out loud.

>

> My daughter says I should not read them - we still have them out in the

> garage. My husband says I should destroy them - he read some that accused him

> of things he didn't do, and he is royally peeved. I am not sure. Should I

> read them or burn them? Will reading them help cement in my spirit that she

> is truly insane and help me come to terms with it?

> Or will reading them further damage me and cause even more pain to my

> already wounded spirit? Like many KOs I struggle with dysthymia. Will it make

> it worse?

>

> What would you do?

>

> I'm open to anything and everything you want to tell me about this - I am

> leaning toward not. So if you think not, please convince me to destroy these

> d*mn letters.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- Clearly, she organized these writings and left them where you'd find

them. It's like she left a little prosecutor standing in her living room,

waving " evidence " of your awful mistreatment of her around. It represents her

warped view of life, but your reaction to it (anger, and the urge to refute

every statement) - is using up YOUR energy and making your husband and daughter

ticked off as well.

So I'd ask this - is there any clinical value to this? If you showed it to a

therapist or her doctor, would it help to solidify the decision to keep her in

the nursing home for the rest of her life? If you showed it to your therapist

(if you have one), would it have any value in explaining what you're dealing

with and helping you work through the process of healing yourself?

If so, fine. Put the damned thing in a fire safe or a cardboard box, tape it up

so you don't keep getting the urge to read it, and hold it for future use as

" evidence " of your mother's madness and your own wounds. But realize that if

you do use it, you're going to feel compelled to defend yourself and your family

against every one of her crazy accusations.

She's already in a nursing home, diagnosed with dementia. Everybody around her

is convinced she's not functioning with a working brain. You don't have to

prove to anybody that she's crazy - it's done. Nobody is going to argue that

she should be let out or that you should have to " serve " her any more.

Therefore, I'm thinking you don't really need to keep the evidence - again, the

exception would be if you are in therapy and feel the need to " prove " to your

therapist just how crazy she was. There is no prosecutor. You don't have to

defend yourself.

What are the chances of you, or anybody else in your family, really writing a

play or using this notebook in a creative way? If you've got a real opportunity

to use it, fine. But if it's just going to sit in the garage, festering, then

I'd say get rid of it. Have a ceremony - get your husband and daughter, start a

fire, feed the pages in, and state that you are letting go of your mother's

madness and its hold over you.

> >

> > That is my question.

> > My dad died in 2004 and my mother went even further off the deep end, as

> > Nadas are prone to doing when they are " abandoned " by someone's death. She

> > relied on him for everything - I felt she had him trained, and to be honest,

> > I thought she was bone idle for the last 10 years or so of his life.

> > I knew she was a narcissist, but didn't know about bpd, and although I now

> > realize she was a high-functioning bpd my entire life, I was so enmeshed

> > that it wasn't until I was in my 40s that I began to realize she had major

> > problems.

> > For a long time I thought she had dementia, which she does now have, but

> > looking back I realize it was just the bpd getting worse as she aged - she

> > became very hermity-waify.

> > After my dad died she started writing him letters. In the world of normals

> > this could be a sweet and poignant project. But no - the letters were a

> > litany of how bad her life was.

> > In 2007 she took an overdose hoping to die, and as I have said before,

> > told everyone who would listen that it was because she and I didn't

> > " interact " enough. And again, for those of you who don't remember me saying

this (I

> > think I have :-) ) I was recovering from a traumatic and life-altering

> > injury at the time, and was a little busy with the wheelchair and rehab to

be

> > doing much " interacting " with anyone.

> > Fast forward to four months ago. She went into a nursing home due to

> > advancing dementia. While working on her condo getting it ready to rent

(still

> > not done - it's hard for me to be there), I " found " a binder full of these

> > letters.

> > They were left in a clearly visible place in the living room where they

> > would surely be found.

> > Well I started reading them, and was appalled. They are filled with vitriol

> > and gaslighting about what I did and didn't do, and what my husband and

> > daughter did and didn't do.

> > An example: She writes about not being at our home for the entire year of

> > 2005. Um, gee. I guess I hallucinated all the holiday and birthday parties?

> > The final page in the book was a suicide note explaining why our treatment

> > of her made her need to kill herself.

> > Thank God nobody else found these - I have no idea what their reaction

> > would be. It is entirely plausible that someone reading them would believe

all

> > the insanity and think I am a really horrible person.

> >

> > Anyway, my question is this: I have only skimmed the letters. My daughter

> > read a lot of them, which infuriated her. Although she says they'd make a

> > great one-woman play - with background scenes of what really happened being

> > shown while the woman read the letters out loud.

> >

> > My daughter says I should not read them - we still have them out in the

> > garage. My husband says I should destroy them - he read some that accused

him

> > of things he didn't do, and he is royally peeved. I am not sure. Should I

> > read them or burn them? Will reading them help cement in my spirit that she

> > is truly insane and help me come to terms with it?

> > Or will reading them further damage me and cause even more pain to my

> > already wounded spirit? Like many KOs I struggle with dysthymia. Will it

make

> > it worse?

> >

> > What would you do?

> >

> > I'm open to anything and everything you want to tell me about this - I am

> > leaning toward not. So if you think not, please convince me to destroy these

> > d*mn letters.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >