Scars in interpersonal relations from nada's lying and my sense of invisibility

[Guest guest]

Hi folks,

While I was growing up my nada lied alot. Daily, sometimes even hourly. Things

large and small. What suited her purposes she lied about. This despite

protestations of the importance of being truthful at all times. Also I was in

many ways invisible to her. She had an ability to empathize with some of my

emotions, but had little understanding of who I was as a person. Partly this was

because she was very depressed; partly, especially as I got older, it was

because she was unable and unwilling to acknowledge that I had a right to be a

separate person with unique characteristics, interests and talents.

This has made me ever vigilant in my interpersonal relationships. If someone

lies to me I get defensive and angry. I am ever vigilant, on the lookout for a

lie. And I'm easily inclined to feel invisible and angry when ignored, even when

the lack of attention from my the person I am relating to is due to a benign

reason, such as tiredness for example.

I realize that these instinctive reactions and defenses are often not

appropriate responses to a given situation. I and those around me would be

happier if I could leave this stuff behind. Any suggestions as to how I can

learn to do that?

Shalom

[Guest guest]

Hi there. I understand a lot of what you're saying. I have learned to reason my

way through situations with my friends when they inadvertantly make me angry. As

you said, when a friend tells a white lie or inadvertantly insults you, you have

to tell yourself: " maybe they were tired. Maybe they were just having a bad day.

Maybe they just had a fight with their spouse. I'm sure they weren't trying to

upset me or insult me. " etc. And then remind yourself of the nice and good

things those people have done for you.

We have to learn to trust again, despite the way we were raised, but also

acknowledge that no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. No friend is

perfect.

>

> Hi folks,

>

> While I was growing up my nada lied alot. Daily, sometimes even hourly. Things

large and small. What suited her purposes she lied about. This despite

protestations of the importance of being truthful at all times. Also I was in

many ways invisible to her. She had an ability to empathize with some of my

emotions, but had little understanding of who I was as a person. Partly this was

because she was very depressed; partly, especially as I got older, it was

because she was unable and unwilling to acknowledge that I had a right to be a

separate person with unique characteristics, interests and talents.

>

> This has made me ever vigilant in my interpersonal relationships. If someone

lies to me I get defensive and angry. I am ever vigilant, on the lookout for a

lie. And I'm easily inclined to feel invisible and angry when ignored, even when

the lack of attention from my the person I am relating to is due to a benign

reason, such as tiredness for example.

>

> I realize that these instinctive reactions and defenses are often not

appropriate responses to a given situation. I and those around me would be

happier if I could leave this stuff behind. Any suggestions as to how I can

learn to do that?

> Shalom

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, I definitely think that I *used* to make friends who didn't treat me very

well. Specifically, female friends who treated me a lot like my Nada.

However, once I figured out that I was making friends like this, I realized that

my own low self esteem not only allowed me to make those kinds of friends, but

allowed me to be insulted by them.

I have new friends now, who treat me as an equal. But after not speaking to my

disrespectful friends for several years, I found that I can now speak to them

again, because they CAN'T insult me. Why? Because I think better of myself now!

And, I think that I fall into the trap--as I said before--of being waaaay to

easily insulted by friends who simply make an honest flub. (You know. Sometimes

you stick your foot in your mouth and say something crappy to someone even

though that was simply NOT your intention.)

So, I'm learning to take things in stride, not be so easily hurt, and treat

myself well while giving others the benefit of the doubt.

[Guest guest]

Oh, I definitely think that I *used* to make friends who didn't treat me very

well. Specifically, female friends who treated me a lot like my Nada.

However, once I figured out that I was making friends like this, I realized that

my own low self esteem not only allowed me to make those kinds of friends, but

allowed me to be insulted by them.

I have new friends now, who treat me as an equal. But after not speaking to my

disrespectful friends for several years, I found that I can now speak to them

again, because they CAN'T insult me. Why? Because I think better of myself now!

And, I think that I fall into the trap--as I said before--of being waaaay to

easily insulted by friends who simply make an honest flub. (You know. Sometimes

you stick your foot in your mouth and say something crappy to someone even

though that was simply NOT your intention.)

So, I'm learning to take things in stride, not be so easily hurt, and treat

myself well while giving others the benefit of the doubt.

[Guest guest]

Oh, I definitely think that I *used* to make friends who didn't treat me very

well. Specifically, female friends who treated me a lot like my Nada.

However, once I figured out that I was making friends like this, I realized that

my own low self esteem not only allowed me to make those kinds of friends, but

allowed me to be insulted by them.

I have new friends now, who treat me as an equal. But after not speaking to my

disrespectful friends for several years, I found that I can now speak to them

again, because they CAN'T insult me. Why? Because I think better of myself now!

And, I think that I fall into the trap--as I said before--of being waaaay to

easily insulted by friends who simply make an honest flub. (You know. Sometimes

you stick your foot in your mouth and say something crappy to someone even

though that was simply NOT your intention.)

So, I'm learning to take things in stride, not be so easily hurt, and treat

myself well while giving others the benefit of the doubt.