Re: Guilt, Guilt and more guilt.

July 20, 2010

Welcome to the group. Nada is the word we use to describe our

non-mothering mothers. (Fada is the corresponding term for

fathers.)

The experience you describe with your nada sounds so typical of

nadas. Nothing is ever their fault. Everyone else has a problem

and/or is abusing them. They love creating drama and being the

center of your attention. They commonly make their illnesses out

to be much worse than they are to get attention.

It sounds like you did a good job of setting boundaries. If she

won't accept your boundaries, there comes a point when the only

viable choice for you is NC. You definitely don't need to feel

guilty about that. Guilt is one of the biggest tools that nadas

use to get us to do what they want. From childhood, they teach

us that it is our responsibility to do what they want and try to

make them happy and that we should feel guilty if we can't or

won't do so. That's not the way normal healthy families work.

Knowing that anger is a more appropriate response than guilt

doesn't always prevent the guilt though. You have to keep

reminding yourself that there's no reason to feel guilt until

you really believe it inside.

At 08:33 AM 07/20/2010 marticookie wrote:

>So I am new to this group, I introduced myself yesterday. I

>hope everyone got a chance to read my introduction.

>I am really struggling with the guilt of going NC. I have done

>so before and it lasted 6 years. It actually was the best 6

>years of my life. I actually got to know myself for the first

>time in my life. Even back then I came up with all sorts of

>reasons why I felt guilty . This time It is because she has

>cancer and is very sick. She is on Hospice. Even being so near

>death the woman knows how to control and manipulate me. She

>knows how to hurt me too. She once blamed me for her cancer,

>saying the reason she got cancer was because I went NC with

>her. One would think being so sick you would give up your sick

>and twisted ways of relating to your children and start to make

>amends. No, not going to happen. The manipulations continue

>even from her death bed.

>Most recently, while I was on vacation in Wisconsin with my

>children and husband, I got a call that she was very ill and

>was going to go into a nursing home as soon as her hospice team

>could set it up and find an opening. She needed me to come home

>right away because she could no longer be alone. She was too

>weak.

>I came home the next day. I took three days off of work to move

>her into the nursing home and got into trouble with work

>because I had taken time off even though I had run out of

>vacation time. I get to her place to meet with her and the

>hospice team, and she refuses to go. She accuses Hospice nurse

>of abusing her by trying to get her to go to the nursing home.

>She is not as sick as she claimed to be while I was on my

>vacation. It was all an attention getting act. She was not one

>bit remorseful about the fact I missed part of my vacation, and

>I got into trouble at work. When I tell her these things,

>somehow she says it is all the hospice teams fault.Not hers of

>course. Now she accuses the team of abuse and is threatening to

>report them. That is when I said enough and walked away again.

>I sent her an email stating what my limits with her were going

>to be. I told her I would no longer come running, I would no

>longer miss work and I was no longer going to be her caregiver.

>She kept emailing me nonsensical letters trying to guilt me and

>even got verbally abusive with anger toward me.I never

>responded to the emails.

>Somehow..I still feel guilty. Although, writing this, guilt

>doesn't seem appropriate. I should be angry. Not guilty.

>

>P>S What is Nada? I am having trouble with some of the

>abbreviations. Thanks!

--

Katrina

July 21, 2010

Yeah ofcourse that's the best way nadas know to control you, " GUILT " .

It's truly sad to see a person suffering from cancer no matter what other

conditions they have but since BPs are emotionally draining it makes it harder

for caregivers to cope. I would leave nada as soon as she starts being abusive

and let her know the reason for that. But leave the place " immediately " . What

nadas are good at are to " LURE " you in by challenging you emotionally and

intellectually so you convice them that they're wrong or etc. ( that way they

just feed on your emotions and " DRAMA " ), As soon as they realize their tricks

or behavours don't work they might stop and when/if they start again I would

just leave, this time for a longer time and stick to it.

(

>

> So I am new to this group, I introduced myself yesterday. I hope everyone got

a chance to read my introduction.

> I am really struggling with the guilt of going NC. I have done so before and

it lasted 6 years. It actually was the best 6 years of my life. I actually got

to know myself for the first time in my life. Even back then I came up with

all sorts of reasons why I felt guilty . This time It is because she has cancer

and is very sick. She is on Hospice. Even being so near death the woman knows

how to control and manipulate me. She knows how to hurt me too. She once blamed

me for her cancer, saying the reason she got cancer was because I went NC with

her. One would think being so sick you would give up your sick and twisted ways

of relating to your children and start to make amends. No, not going to happen.

The manipulations continue even from her death bed.

> Most recently, while I was on vacation in Wisconsin with my children and

husband, I got a call that she was very ill and was going to go into a nursing

home as soon as her hospice team could set it up and find an opening. She needed

me to come home right away because she could no longer be alone. She was too

weak.

> I came home the next day. I took three days off of work to move her into the

nursing home and got into trouble with work because I had taken time off even

though I had run out of vacation time. I get to her place to meet with her and

the hospice team, and she refuses to go. She accuses Hospice nurse of abusing

her by trying to get her to go to the nursing home. She is not as sick as she

claimed to be while I was on my vacation. It was all an attention getting act.

She was not one bit remorseful about the fact I missed part of my vacation, and

I got into trouble at work. When I tell her these things, somehow she says it is

all the hospice teams fault.Not hers of course. Now she accuses the team of

abuse and is threatening to report them. That is when I said enough and walked

away again.

> I sent her an email stating what my limits with her were going to be. I told

her I would no longer come running, I would no longer miss work and I was no

longer going to be her caregiver. She kept emailing me nonsensical letters

trying to guilt me and even got verbally abusive with anger toward me.I never

responded to the emails.

> Somehow..I still feel guilty. Although, writing this, guilt doesn't seem

appropriate. I should be angry. Not guilty.

>

> P>S What is Nada? I am having trouble with some of the abbreviations. Thanks!

>

July 23, 2010

For me just realizing I wasn't responsible for nada's happiness (an impossible

task)Â has set me free.

Subject: Re: Guilt, Guilt and more guilt.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Thursday, July 22, 2010, 7:14 AM

Â

False guilt: the banner of all children of BPD.

We've been brainwashed and ingrained since birth to take on all guilt. It makes

sense you would feel guilty for not keeping her happy.

You're on the right track. The more you see the insanity of BP demands, the more

the guilt receeds. You have a right to live without insanity and to live without

being enslaved to their whims.

As for the abbreviations, check out this webpage. It really helped me:

http://www.bpd411.org/glossary.html

Blessings and WELCOME!!!

>

> So I am new to this group, I introduced myself yesterday. I hope everyone got

a chance to read my introduction.

> I am really struggling with the guilt of going NC. I have done so before and

it lasted 6 years. It actually was the best 6 years of my life. I actually got

to know myself for the first time in my life. Even back then I came up with all

sorts of reasons why I felt guilty . This time It is because she has cancer and

is very sick. She is on Hospice. Even being so near death the woman knows how to

control and manipulate me. She knows how to hurt me too. She once blamed me for

her cancer, saying the reason she got cancer was because I went NC with her. One

would think being so sick you would give up your sick and twisted ways of

relating to your children and start to make amends. No, not going to happen. The

manipulations continue even from her death bed.