Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 I hate guilt from outside parties like that, esp when they know NOTHING of what's going on. Naturally, your grandmother means well (it's interesting that for her birthday, she wants you to speak to your father, but she doesn't mention your mother) but she just wants her son to stop crying. I've had this kind of pressure from my mother's family, not the same situation as yours but more like " you have to be part of our lives; the ones who'll miss out are your kids... " blah blah blah. my only advice, my only course of action is to ignore, ignore, ignore... They have no idea what's going on and don't really deserve an explanation. I don't know how close you are to your grandmother, though. If you and she are tight, you may want to give her a brief explanation from your side and leave it at that. So sorry for all you're going through. Fiona > > Hi everyone, > > I hope I'm remembered from a few posts of mine a few months ago. > Anyway, I'm 24, living outside of my parents house and in a different city. I'm NC with my father for a bit over a year and NC with my mother for about 7 months. > > I haven't gone home in 7 month. It is just that my father always verbally abuses my mother, nothing too dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a threatening tone etc. (And my mother " swallows " everything). > > Sometimes my father also says to me hurtful things (and I won't go into now about my childhood, nearly no attention from him etc.). > Anyway, at some point I couldn't stand what's going on in my house anymore and I moved out. > > Of course then my parents wanted me very much to come back etc. > OK, I'm not going to write my whole story here, I already elaborated about it a bit a few months ago. > > So, yesterday my grandmother, that lives in another country, calls me. > She told me that my father was at her place for a few days (and she knows a bit about what's happening between me and my parents). > > After talking a bit, she started speaking about the issue " even though I know you don't want to speak about it " . > She started by saying that she can't at all understand why I'm not talking with my father. She said: " In OUR family, everyone talks to each other " . > Then she started telling me how bad my father looks when he was at her place. How he went down 15 kilo. She even said that he was crying " like when he was a little boy " , and he just can't understand why I'm not speaking with him. > > She kept on saying how much I should go back, and I'm the only one who could make my father happy. > > Towards the end she said she has a birthday in 3 weeks, and she wants (she said " I'm begging " ) that for a birthday present for her, I'll talk with my father. > > Anyway, what do I do about this whole situation? > > I'm quite sure she doesn't really know how my father acts inside his house (when she comes once in a very long time to visit, he's all nice and charming and everything, nearly like a different person). > And I'm not planning to tell her how he acts and why I'm not speaking with him (I didn't give her any concrete explanations in the past). I don't see any reason to tell her the reasons, it'll only make her sad. > > And, I don't see myself re-talking to my father yet. I need to a bit more time to get re-grounded with myself, establish my personality a bit, without my parents in the background. > > Any suggestions how I should handle this? > > Jack > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 For next time: Grandma: I'd like to talk about your father, even though I know you don't want to. Jack: That's right, I am not going to discuss this with you [boundary]. Grandma: Well anyway, you're killing your father because...[ignores boundary] Jack: I'm not discussing this with you Grandma. Goodbye. [enforces boundary] CLICK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 For next time: Grandma: I'd like to talk about your father, even though I know you don't want to. Jack: That's right, I am not going to discuss this with you [boundary]. Grandma: Well anyway, you're killing your father because...[ignores boundary] Jack: I'm not discussing this with you Grandma. Goodbye. [enforces boundary] CLICK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 For next time: Grandma: I'd like to talk about your father, even though I know you don't want to. Jack: That's right, I am not going to discuss this with you [boundary]. Grandma: Well anyway, you're killing your father because...[ignores boundary] Jack: I'm not discussing this with you Grandma. Goodbye. [enforces boundary] CLICK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Hi, Jack - I haven't written anything in answer to your query, because I can't offer anything constructive - the thought of re-establishing contact, when you've been able to get the FOO to leave you alone - I can't imagine doing it. I'm still at the " run far, run fast, stay gone " stage. You seem to be farther along the continuum, if you're ready to re-establish communication. It may be that you're not hearing from a lot of us because we just can't think of anything useful! Sorry not to be of some help - > > > > Hi, > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any more opinions on this?) > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother for about 7 month. > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > Do I send an email first? > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this time I was off? > > > > Thanks, > > Jack > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Hi, Jack - I haven't written anything in answer to your query, because I can't offer anything constructive - the thought of re-establishing contact, when you've been able to get the FOO to leave you alone - I can't imagine doing it. I'm still at the " run far, run fast, stay gone " stage. You seem to be farther along the continuum, if you're ready to re-establish communication. It may be that you're not hearing from a lot of us because we just can't think of anything useful! Sorry not to be of some help - > > > > Hi, > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any more opinions on this?) > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother for about 7 month. > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > Do I send an email first? > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this time I was off? > > > > Thanks, > > Jack > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 It sounds like you want to give it a try...some people do real well with LC. There may be times in our live where ne need NC an others where we need LC. I don't think there is a clear do it.... don't do it answer. It's what works for you..what will allow you to feel safe. Stefanie > > > Anyone? > This is kinda important for me... > > Thanks, > Jack > > > > > > > Hi, > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any > more opinions on this?) > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother > for about 7 month. > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > Do I send an email first? > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this > time I was off? > > > > Thanks, > > Jack > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.