Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 protect yourself !! that means if your father is abusive towards you, then you need to stay away..dont let anyone guilt you into doing something you dont want to do. Jackie Hi everyone, I hope I'm remembered from a few posts of mine a few months ago. Anyway, I'm 24, living outside of my parents house and in a different city. I'm NC with my father for a bit over a year and NC with my mother for about 7 months. I haven't gone home in 7 month. It is just that my father always verbally abuses my mother, nothing too dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a threatening tone etc. (And my mother " swallows " everything). Sometimes my father also says to me hurtful things (and I won't go into now about my childhood, nearly no attention from him etc.). Anyway, at some point I couldn't stand what's going on in my house anymore and I moved out. Of course then my parents wanted me very much to come back etc. OK, I'm not going to write my whole story here, I already elaborated about it a bit a few months ago. So, yesterday my grandmother, that lives in another country, calls me. She told me that my father was at her place for a few days (and she knows a bit about what's happening between me and my parents). After talking a bit, she started speaking about the issue " even though I know you don't want to speak about it " . She started by saying that she can't at all understand why I'm not talking with my father. She said: " In OUR family, everyone talks to each other " . Then she started telling me how bad my father looks when he was at her place. How he went down 15 kilo. She even said that he was crying " like when he was a little boy " , and he just can't understand why I'm not speaking with him. She kept on saying how much I should go back, and I'm the only one who could make my father happy. Towards the end she said she has a birthday in 3 weeks, and she wants (she said " I'm begging " ) that for a birthday present for her, I'll talk with my father. Anyway, what do I do about this whole situation? I'm quite sure she doesn't really know how my father acts inside his house (when she comes once in a very long time to visit, he's all nice and charming and everything, nearly like a different person). And I'm not planning to tell her how he acts and why I'm not speaking with him (I didn't give her any concrete explanations in the past). I don't see any reason to tell her the reasons, it'll only make her sad. And, I don't see myself re-talking to my father yet. I need to a bit more time to get re-grounded with myself, establish my personality a bit, without my parents in the background. Any suggestions how I should handle this? Jack ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 protect yourself !! that means if your father is abusive towards you, then you need to stay away..dont let anyone guilt you into doing something you dont want to do. Jackie Hi everyone, I hope I'm remembered from a few posts of mine a few months ago. Anyway, I'm 24, living outside of my parents house and in a different city. I'm NC with my father for a bit over a year and NC with my mother for about 7 months. I haven't gone home in 7 month. It is just that my father always verbally abuses my mother, nothing too dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a threatening tone etc. (And my mother " swallows " everything). Sometimes my father also says to me hurtful things (and I won't go into now about my childhood, nearly no attention from him etc.). Anyway, at some point I couldn't stand what's going on in my house anymore and I moved out. Of course then my parents wanted me very much to come back etc. OK, I'm not going to write my whole story here, I already elaborated about it a bit a few months ago. So, yesterday my grandmother, that lives in another country, calls me. She told me that my father was at her place for a few days (and she knows a bit about what's happening between me and my parents). After talking a bit, she started speaking about the issue " even though I know you don't want to speak about it " . She started by saying that she can't at all understand why I'm not talking with my father. She said: " In OUR family, everyone talks to each other " . Then she started telling me how bad my father looks when he was at her place. How he went down 15 kilo. She even said that he was crying " like when he was a little boy " , and he just can't understand why I'm not speaking with him. She kept on saying how much I should go back, and I'm the only one who could make my father happy. Towards the end she said she has a birthday in 3 weeks, and she wants (she said " I'm begging " ) that for a birthday present for her, I'll talk with my father. Anyway, what do I do about this whole situation? I'm quite sure she doesn't really know how my father acts inside his house (when she comes once in a very long time to visit, he's all nice and charming and everything, nearly like a different person). And I'm not planning to tell her how he acts and why I'm not speaking with him (I didn't give her any concrete explanations in the past). I don't see any reason to tell her the reasons, it'll only make her sad. And, I don't see myself re-talking to my father yet. I need to a bit more time to get re-grounded with myself, establish my personality a bit, without my parents in the background. Any suggestions how I should handle this? Jack ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 protect yourself !! that means if your father is abusive towards you, then you need to stay away..dont let anyone guilt you into doing something you dont want to do. Jackie Hi everyone, I hope I'm remembered from a few posts of mine a few months ago. Anyway, I'm 24, living outside of my parents house and in a different city. I'm NC with my father for a bit over a year and NC with my mother for about 7 months. I haven't gone home in 7 month. It is just that my father always verbally abuses my mother, nothing too dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a threatening tone etc. (And my mother " swallows " everything). Sometimes my father also says to me hurtful things (and I won't go into now about my childhood, nearly no attention from him etc.). Anyway, at some point I couldn't stand what's going on in my house anymore and I moved out. Of course then my parents wanted me very much to come back etc. OK, I'm not going to write my whole story here, I already elaborated about it a bit a few months ago. So, yesterday my grandmother, that lives in another country, calls me. She told me that my father was at her place for a few days (and she knows a bit about what's happening between me and my parents). After talking a bit, she started speaking about the issue " even though I know you don't want to speak about it " . She started by saying that she can't at all understand why I'm not talking with my father. She said: " In OUR family, everyone talks to each other " . Then she started telling me how bad my father looks when he was at her place. How he went down 15 kilo. She even said that he was crying " like when he was a little boy " , and he just can't understand why I'm not speaking with him. She kept on saying how much I should go back, and I'm the only one who could make my father happy. Towards the end she said she has a birthday in 3 weeks, and she wants (she said " I'm begging " ) that for a birthday present for her, I'll talk with my father. Anyway, what do I do about this whole situation? I'm quite sure she doesn't really know how my father acts inside his house (when she comes once in a very long time to visit, he's all nice and charming and everything, nearly like a different person). And I'm not planning to tell her how he acts and why I'm not speaking with him (I didn't give her any concrete explanations in the past). I don't see any reason to tell her the reasons, it'll only make her sad. And, I don't see myself re-talking to my father yet. I need to a bit more time to get re-grounded with myself, establish my personality a bit, without my parents in the background. Any suggestions how I should handle this? Jack ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 30, 2010 Report Share Posted July 30, 2010 I hate guilt from outside parties like that, esp when they know NOTHING of what's going on. Naturally, your grandmother means well (it's interesting that for her birthday, she wants you to speak to your father, but she doesn't mention your mother) but she just wants her son to stop crying. I've had this kind of pressure from my mother's family, not the same situation as yours but more like " you have to be part of our lives; the ones who'll miss out are your kids... " blah blah blah. my only advice, my only course of action is to ignore, ignore, ignore... They have no idea what's going on and don't really deserve an explanation. I don't know how close you are to your grandmother, though. If you and she are tight, you may want to give her a brief explanation from your side and leave it at that. So sorry for all you're going through. Fiona > > Hi everyone, > > I hope I'm remembered from a few posts of mine a few months ago. > Anyway, I'm 24, living outside of my parents house and in a different city. I'm NC with my father for a bit over a year and NC with my mother for about 7 months. > > I haven't gone home in 7 month. It is just that my father always verbally abuses my mother, nothing too dramatic, a few times a day some kind of insult, putting her down, speaking in a threatening tone etc. (And my mother " swallows " everything). > > Sometimes my father also says to me hurtful things (and I won't go into now about my childhood, nearly no attention from him etc.). > Anyway, at some point I couldn't stand what's going on in my house anymore and I moved out. > > Of course then my parents wanted me very much to come back etc. > OK, I'm not going to write my whole story here, I already elaborated about it a bit a few months ago. > > So, yesterday my grandmother, that lives in another country, calls me. > She told me that my father was at her place for a few days (and she knows a bit about what's happening between me and my parents). > > After talking a bit, she started speaking about the issue " even though I know you don't want to speak about it " . > She started by saying that she can't at all understand why I'm not talking with my father. She said: " In OUR family, everyone talks to each other " . > Then she started telling me how bad my father looks when he was at her place. How he went down 15 kilo. She even said that he was crying " like when he was a little boy " , and he just can't understand why I'm not speaking with him. > > She kept on saying how much I should go back, and I'm the only one who could make my father happy. > > Towards the end she said she has a birthday in 3 weeks, and she wants (she said " I'm begging " ) that for a birthday present for her, I'll talk with my father. > > Anyway, what do I do about this whole situation? > > I'm quite sure she doesn't really know how my father acts inside his house (when she comes once in a very long time to visit, he's all nice and charming and everything, nearly like a different person). > And I'm not planning to tell her how he acts and why I'm not speaking with him (I didn't give her any concrete explanations in the past). I don't see any reason to tell her the reasons, it'll only make her sad. > > And, I don't see myself re-talking to my father yet. I need to a bit more time to get re-grounded with myself, establish my personality a bit, without my parents in the background. > > Any suggestions how I should handle this? > > Jack > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Hey, Thanks a lot for the support and for what you've written!!! I was thinking - maybe I shouldn't go home and all of that, but do maintain a phone contact - meaning - I will speak with my father and mother by phone sometimes. What do you think about that? We have a few family events coming up (that I feel pretty committed to go to), and I won't feel so comfortable being there with them around and with me being totally NC with them. Also, speaking with them by phone will maybe take down the family pressure from me. As long as our connection is by phone, it's not that bad for me, I think I will be able to handle it. What do you think about that? Thanks, Jack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Jack, Only you can know what you can handle and what you can't, but if you think phone contact would make things more comfortable for you, give it a shot. I would recommend that you think very carefully about your boundaries first. Phone contact can still cause very intense situations. I used to get enmeshed in BPD-caused family drama from the other side of the country. I now live close, but am less involved because of better (though still imperfect) boundaries. Good Luck! > > > What do you think about that? > > Thanks, > Jack > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Jack, Only you can know what you can handle and what you can't, but if you think phone contact would make things more comfortable for you, give it a shot. I would recommend that you think very carefully about your boundaries first. Phone contact can still cause very intense situations. I used to get enmeshed in BPD-caused family drama from the other side of the country. I now live close, but am less involved because of better (though still imperfect) boundaries. Good Luck! > > > What do you think about that? > > Thanks, > Jack > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi, Thanks for your reply. I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any more opinions on this?) Anyway, how do I go about this? I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother for about 7 month. It'll be awkward to just ring them... Do I send an email first? Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this time I was off? Thanks, Jack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 2, 2010 Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 Hi, Thanks for your reply. I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any more opinions on this?) Anyway, how do I go about this? I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother for about 7 month. It'll be awkward to just ring them... Do I send an email first? Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this time I was off? Thanks, Jack Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Anyone? This is kinda important for me... Thanks, Jack > > Hi, > Thanks for your reply. > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any more opinions on this?) > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother for about 7 month. > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > Do I send an email first? > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this time I was off? > > Thanks, > Jack > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 Anyone? This is kinda important for me... Thanks, Jack > > Hi, > Thanks for your reply. > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any more opinions on this?) > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother for about 7 month. > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > Do I send an email first? > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this time I was off? > > Thanks, > Jack > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 I suggest sending a snail-mail card (or cards, if they're not together now) first greeting your parents, letting them know you are well and that you would like to reestablish contact. They will either write you back and accept that you'll call on a particular day and time, or they can write you back and decline your offer, or they will ignore your card and give you no feedback at all. I like cards better, myself, because a hand-written card comes across as more warm and personal, but if you all have email then that would work also. If you haven't already, you need to be OK with the idea that your dad and/or your mother might reject your offer of re-establishing communication, or they might ignore your message altogether. Me personally, I don't think that getting a third party involved (your grandmother) is beneficial. This is between you and your parents. Best of luck to you. -Annie > > > > Hi, > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any more opinions on this?) > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother for about 7 month. > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > Do I send an email first? > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this time I was off? > > > > Thanks, > > Jack > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 It sounds like you want to give it a try...some people do real well with LC. There may be times in our live where ne need NC an others where we need LC. I don't think there is a clear do it.... don't do it answer. It's what works for you..what will allow you to feel safe. Stefanie > > > Anyone? > This is kinda important for me... > > Thanks, > Jack > > > > > > > Hi, > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any > more opinions on this?) > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother > for about 7 month. > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > Do I send an email first? > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this > time I was off? > > > > Thanks, > > Jack > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 5, 2010 Report Share Posted August 5, 2010 Thanks for all the replies! I appreciate it very much! Jack > > > > > > Hi, > > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any > > more opinions on this?) > > > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother > > for about 7 month. > > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > > Do I send an email first? > > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this > > time I was off? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > Jack > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 5, 2010 Report Share Posted August 5, 2010 Thanks for all the replies! I appreciate it very much! Jack > > > > > > Hi, > > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any > > more opinions on this?) > > > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother > > for about 7 month. > > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > > Do I send an email first? > > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this > > time I was off? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > Jack > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 5, 2010 Report Share Posted August 5, 2010 Thanks for all the replies! I appreciate it very much! Jack > > > > > > Hi, > > > Thanks for your reply. > > > > > > I think I'll go on the direction of having a phone contact with them (any > > more opinions on this?) > > > > > > Anyway, how do I go about this? > > > I haven't spoken with my father for over a year now and with my mother > > for about 7 month. > > > It'll be awkward to just ring them... > > > Do I send an email first? > > > Do I tell my grandmother to prepare my father for a call from me? > > > > > > How do I go on establishing this phone contact connection after all this > > time I was off? > > > > > > Thanks, > > > Jack > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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