Re: Illness/Injury: How Nada Reacted to YOU?

July 30, 2010

I've noticed this with my nada too. When I was a child, if I got hurt while

playing or if I became ill, it was my fault and I'd get yelled at, shamed and

humiliated for being clumsy or nada would act very put-out with me for causing

her more work. I don't remember her spending much if any time with me when I was

forced to stay in bed when I had measles and other illnesses. I learned pretty

early on that I couldn't count on her for comfort.

She and dad did take care of our basic medical needs, however, such as regular

check-ups, immunizations, etc. at both the doctor's and the dentist's, which I

am grateful for, but as far as just basic soothing and emotional care, I don't

remember any of that.

But most of the times when she became ill or injured, she demanded to be catered

to and babied.

Empathy seems to be a very one-way street with nada; all empathy must be

directed toward her. I think that is due to her narcissistic pd co-morbidity.

My nada has traits of all the Cluster B pds, in my opinion, although she has

only been formally diagnosed with bpd.

-Annie

>

> My mother had very strange reactions to illness and injury.

> If someone became sick it was their fault. If someone got cancer it was

> because they didn't eat right. Etc.

> When I developed adult onset asthma it was somehow my fault. When I had a

> huge calcified tumor that necessitated a hysterectomy she asked why I got it

> - what did I do to cause it. Um, gee, ma, let me think, maybe being born?

> And so on and so on.

> But, when SHE got sick all this went out the window. It was never her

> fault. Ever.

> She had very strange reactions to medications, too. Again with the asthma -

> she acted like I was somehow morally deficient because I used inhalers to

> control it. In her mind, I was shooting things up my nose (she never could

> grasp INHALE) for comfort, not medical necessity. And people should suffer.

> She was very strange about taking medications. She would talk about people

> who " take all those pills " as if it made them lesser people - again because

> it was their fault.

> Get hit by a truck? Your fault, of course.

>

July 30, 2010

I was ill a lot growing up, asthma and allergies would cause me to be

hospitalized several times a year.

Nada did take us for regular check ups and everything. I remember once though,

when my asthmas was so bad they had to admit me to the hospital, my mom drove me

over to check me in. I was 10 or 11. I could barely breathe, my lungs were

getting ready to collapse. Nada would be smoking in the car, with the window

BARELY cracked to let the smoke out.

She would also accuse me of being HAPPY of having to stay in the hospital, even

though it was terror to me. I hated needles and all the terrible stuff they had

to do to me. She hated it. She resented me when I was sick. She would not

comfort me, hold me, hug me, tell me everything was going to be ok. She would

bring me stuff, though. Like real food to eat, magazines, what not. That was

kind of nice.

~SJJ

> >

> > My mother had very strange reactions to illness and injury.

> > If someone became sick it was their fault. If someone got cancer it was

> > because they didn't eat right. Etc.

> > When I developed adult onset asthma it was somehow my fault. When I had a

> > huge calcified tumor that necessitated a hysterectomy she asked why I got it

> > - what did I do to cause it. Um, gee, ma, let me think, maybe being born?

> > And so on and so on.

> > But, when SHE got sick all this went out the window. It was never her

> > fault. Ever.

> > She had very strange reactions to medications, too. Again with the asthma -

> > she acted like I was somehow morally deficient because I used inhalers to

> > control it. In her mind, I was shooting things up my nose (she never could

> > grasp INHALE) for comfort, not medical necessity. And people should suffer.

> > She was very strange about taking medications. She would talk about people

> > who " take all those pills " as if it made them lesser people - again because

> > it was their fault.

> > Get hit by a truck? Your fault, of course.

> >

>

July 30, 2010

I was ill a lot growing up, asthma and allergies would cause me to be

hospitalized several times a year.

Nada did take us for regular check ups and everything. I remember once though,

when my asthmas was so bad they had to admit me to the hospital, my mom drove me

over to check me in. I was 10 or 11. I could barely breathe, my lungs were

getting ready to collapse. Nada would be smoking in the car, with the window

BARELY cracked to let the smoke out.

She would also accuse me of being HAPPY of having to stay in the hospital, even

though it was terror to me. I hated needles and all the terrible stuff they had

to do to me. She hated it. She resented me when I was sick. She would not

comfort me, hold me, hug me, tell me everything was going to be ok. She would

bring me stuff, though. Like real food to eat, magazines, what not. That was

kind of nice.

~SJJ

> >

> > My mother had very strange reactions to illness and injury.

> > If someone became sick it was their fault. If someone got cancer it was

> > because they didn't eat right. Etc.

> > When I developed adult onset asthma it was somehow my fault. When I had a

> > huge calcified tumor that necessitated a hysterectomy she asked why I got it

> > - what did I do to cause it. Um, gee, ma, let me think, maybe being born?

> > And so on and so on.

> > But, when SHE got sick all this went out the window. It was never her

> > fault. Ever.

> > She had very strange reactions to medications, too. Again with the asthma -

> > she acted like I was somehow morally deficient because I used inhalers to

> > control it. In her mind, I was shooting things up my nose (she never could

> > grasp INHALE) for comfort, not medical necessity. And people should suffer.

> > She was very strange about taking medications. She would talk about people

> > who " take all those pills " as if it made them lesser people - again because

> > it was their fault.

> > Get hit by a truck? Your fault, of course.

> >

>

August 4, 2010

From reading so many posts on this particular topic, not only in this thread but

also in other, earlier threads, and discussions at other support groups for the

adult children of bpd/npd mothers, it would seem that an abnormal, inappropriate

reaction to her child's illness or injury is more likely to happen than not.

Weirdly, the pattern of minimizing or ignoring serious illnesses and injuries,

and becoming hysterical and over-reacting to minor illnesses and injuries seems

to be common!

That seems so bizarre to me that it makes me wonder if there is literally some

kind of cross-wiring in their brains that makes them react in the exactly

opposite way to an appropriate, normal response.

But there are so many stories from the adult children of bpd or bpd/npd mothers

about how she or he was ignored, told to just deal with it, neglected, or even

punished, screamed at or shamed and humiliated when she or he as a child became

injured or developed a severe illness and came to her mother for comfort and

care. Its just heart-breaking.

I think a lot more study needs to be done on Cluster B pds, and more data needs

to be collected directly from interviews with the adult children of Cluster B

parents. I think the comprehension of how bpd affects the minds and behaviors

of those who have it is sadly missing at least 50% of the total picture. If the

researchers would collect data from this site and the other sites that support

the adult children of pd parents, in combination with personal interviews, I

think at the very least there would be a lot more diagnostic criteria added to

the list of traits and characteristics.

-Annie

>

> Some doctors were really great, some were just pawns. One of my favorite

doctors was a woman I only saw once who, at the beginning of the check-up, asked

me why I would want to be away from home at boarding school. Then she met my

mother. My mother talks over me and interrupts the doctor a lot, and this doctor

got testy and actually told Nada to stop talking. At one point Nada left (or the

doctor asked her to leave--I don't remember), and the doctor turned to me and

said, " now I see why you want to go to boarding school. "

>

> I got a kick out of that

>

> -Frances

August 4, 2010

From reading so many posts on this particular topic, not only in this thread but

also in other, earlier threads, and discussions at other support groups for the

adult children of bpd/npd mothers, it would seem that an abnormal, inappropriate

reaction to her child's illness or injury is more likely to happen than not.

Weirdly, the pattern of minimizing or ignoring serious illnesses and injuries,

and becoming hysterical and over-reacting to minor illnesses and injuries seems

to be common!

That seems so bizarre to me that it makes me wonder if there is literally some

kind of cross-wiring in their brains that makes them react in the exactly

opposite way to an appropriate, normal response.

But there are so many stories from the adult children of bpd or bpd/npd mothers

about how she or he was ignored, told to just deal with it, neglected, or even

punished, screamed at or shamed and humiliated when she or he as a child became

injured or developed a severe illness and came to her mother for comfort and

care. Its just heart-breaking.

I think a lot more study needs to be done on Cluster B pds, and more data needs

to be collected directly from interviews with the adult children of Cluster B

parents. I think the comprehension of how bpd affects the minds and behaviors

of those who have it is sadly missing at least 50% of the total picture. If the

researchers would collect data from this site and the other sites that support

the adult children of pd parents, in combination with personal interviews, I

think at the very least there would be a lot more diagnostic criteria added to

the list of traits and characteristics.

-Annie

>

> Some doctors were really great, some were just pawns. One of my favorite

doctors was a woman I only saw once who, at the beginning of the check-up, asked

me why I would want to be away from home at boarding school. Then she met my

mother. My mother talks over me and interrupts the doctor a lot, and this doctor

got testy and actually told Nada to stop talking. At one point Nada left (or the

doctor asked her to leave--I don't remember), and the doctor turned to me and

said, " now I see why you want to go to boarding school. "

>

> I got a kick out of that

>

> -Frances

August 4, 2010

From reading so many posts on this particular topic, not only in this thread but

also in other, earlier threads, and discussions at other support groups for the

adult children of bpd/npd mothers, it would seem that an abnormal, inappropriate

reaction to her child's illness or injury is more likely to happen than not.

Weirdly, the pattern of minimizing or ignoring serious illnesses and injuries,

and becoming hysterical and over-reacting to minor illnesses and injuries seems

to be common!

That seems so bizarre to me that it makes me wonder if there is literally some

kind of cross-wiring in their brains that makes them react in the exactly

opposite way to an appropriate, normal response.

But there are so many stories from the adult children of bpd or bpd/npd mothers

about how she or he was ignored, told to just deal with it, neglected, or even

punished, screamed at or shamed and humiliated when she or he as a child became

injured or developed a severe illness and came to her mother for comfort and

care. Its just heart-breaking.

I think a lot more study needs to be done on Cluster B pds, and more data needs

to be collected directly from interviews with the adult children of Cluster B

parents. I think the comprehension of how bpd affects the minds and behaviors

of those who have it is sadly missing at least 50% of the total picture. If the

researchers would collect data from this site and the other sites that support

the adult children of pd parents, in combination with personal interviews, I

think at the very least there would be a lot more diagnostic criteria added to

the list of traits and characteristics.

-Annie

>

> Some doctors were really great, some were just pawns. One of my favorite

doctors was a woman I only saw once who, at the beginning of the check-up, asked

me why I would want to be away from home at boarding school. Then she met my

mother. My mother talks over me and interrupts the doctor a lot, and this doctor

got testy and actually told Nada to stop talking. At one point Nada left (or the

doctor asked her to leave--I don't remember), and the doctor turned to me and

said, " now I see why you want to go to boarding school. "

>

> I got a kick out of that

>

> -Frances

August 4, 2010

Wow. That *ghastly* behavior: laughing gleefully at your child's genuine terror

and *mocking* her pain by saying " You're going to die, ha, ha! " ... Good Lord,

that has got to be up there in the top ten evil nada behaviors I've ever read of

here or at any other Group.

That's just so blatantly cruel, sadistic and hateful, its incomprehensible.

Honest to God, those who have all the empathy and compassion of a monitor lizard

just shouldn't be allowed to raise children. Monitor lizards sometimes wander

back to the nest they made and eat their own eggs and hatchlings, if they're

hungry enough.

Perhaps nadas with a lot of narcissistic pd traits who found themselves caring

for sickly children with recurring illnesses, or required operations and

extended post-operative nursing during recuperation (like myself) came to resent

their child for being so needy, or for not being " perfect. " So if the child

survives, the nada begins dishing out her bottled-up resentment. Perhaps in

nada's mind her child should be endlessly grateful for all the extra care and

attention nada lavished on her, all the extra work and extra expense nada

shouldered, so, her child is deeply in debt to nada.

And its a debt that can never be repaid to nada's satisfaction, resulting in

perpetual, life-long indentured servitude for the child.

Its just a shame that at the current time, kids aren't educated in school about

what mentally healthy relationships look like and feel like, and what

emotionally abusive relationships look like and feel like, so children and teens

can recognize that they're being abused and at least have the option, the

possibility to rescue themselves from such a warped and destructive parent-child

dynamic.

-Annie

PS: My recollection is that most of the time when I'd become injured or ill, my

nada would become angry and claim that I " did it to myself " , which, I suppose,

absolved her from being required to show any compassion. So taking care of me

when I was ill or hurt was doing me a favor, in her mind, I suppose.

>

> Wow... This I can relate to. I was always a sickly child. I was born with lung

problems that forced my nada to have a c-section (which she blames me for to

this day), and since then I've had everything from heart problems to

precancerous tumors and several surgeries. She usually started out acting like a

martyr taking care of her poor sick child, but if I didn't get better in 48

hours or so, all hell would break loose.

>

> But my " aha! " moment was related to my health, actually. Soon after I turned

18 I was diagnosed with a (genetic) autoimmune disorder. When I got home from my

doctor's appointment and told my mother, she laughed. More accurately, her

response was " Haha, you're going to die! " I burst into tears, which caused her

to laugh even harder.

>

> She refused to schedule my follow up appointment for over six months (it was

either " it's not that serious " or " I have better things to do " ), and between the

two appointments, she would constantly list every way I could have " done this to

myself. " She played the concerned parent at my doctor's appointment, and has

refused to acknowledge it since.

>

August 6, 2010

I love that story! Makes me smile. One time my nada and I were shopping and a

woman who was obviously going through chemo struck up a conversation with us. My

nada mentioned that she had been the whole " cancer route " 5 times. The woman

asked what type of chemo she had. Nada said none. Woman asked about radiation.

Nada said none. Then the woman said, " Well, you've never had cancer then. " I

just wanted to roll on the floor and laugh. Why can't we speak up like that? I

would love to say what's on my mind at times. But I also know it would just

cause a big blow up and she'd never change. It's not worth the hassle.

>

> Yeah on the topic of doctors, I once took my nada to see my doctor (in my

> 20s). She thought she had breast cancer. The doctor talked with her for

> about 15 min, and told her her biggest problem was mental and that she

> needed a counselor and psychiatrist. Nada never went back.

>

> OOOOOH was she mad!!! And I thought it was great!! I've been going to that

> doctor for over a decade!

>

August 6, 2010