does anyone else deal with this flea?

[Guest guest]

I mean the flea of feeling abandoned.

I had been talking to a couple of others here about it and it seems like others

do experience it. (apologies to them for my repetitiveness)

Here's how it happens to me (fortunately it's happening much, much less now that

I'm aware of it!): my husband will say, " I'm going to play cards Friday night

with so and so. "

Inside, my heart would seize, my chest would constrict and my stomach would go

into knots. He recently told me that he could tell I was upset whenever he would

announce plans apart from me b/c my face would turn to stone. (now when he tells

me this, I'm more like, " oh good; I get the tv to myself! " so...progress!)

It used to happen like that if he would make plans or if a friend mentioned

doing stuff with someone else, etc.

Now, as some of you know, my husband and daughter are taking a weeklong

dad/daughter trip next month and I've had a few bad episodes of these feelings.

Mostly of anxiety, of what will I do if this or that happens.

It has not been easy for me to stop being anxious about it. Not so much about

their safety (they're going to a national park) but about MY safety...who will

take care of ME...how will I get through the week w/out my husband...it's scary

at night...what will I do if something comes up....I had to SLAP myself (so to

speak).

This is a HUGE bpd flea for me that my mother truly modeled for me, that I need

someone to make decisions for me and to take care of me, that learned

helplessness. I've never really been on my own. Her suffocating

overprotectiveness affected my sense of autonomy, of being able to do things on

my own. I don't know how to explain it.

I realized that I have assigned my husband an incredible amount of power that he

doesn't even want. It's as though only my husband is able to orchestrate events

and happenings; as though we can’t do anything without his setting it into

motion. How did I get to this point??

I'm also experiencing feelings of sabotage as their week away approaches-- " oh

I’m just going to pig out and numb myself from feeling anything b/c of how

hard the week will be!!!!†as though it’s not worth putting effort into my

health if things aren’t exactly as they were and are.

As well, feelings of powerlessness; I’m feeling fear from time to time (not

all the time) that I’m going to fall apart when they go, so strong that I feel

like I want to crawl into a corner into a fetal position and suck my thumb until

they return!

I want the week they're away to be a good one! I'm filling it up with

interesting appointments, music, friends, etc. Growing up, when my father had

to do something out of the house without us, my mother would kind of just sit

around and watch tv. Almost as if we had to be paralyzed until he returned and

took us somewhere or found something for us to do. I am appalled at how I have

let that happen to me. It's awful. I don't want to continue this horrid

pattern!!

I want to change, and that's always a good thing!!

I would love to hear if anyone else experiences this. Thanks for e-listening!

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Yes, I do a version of this, but I didn't consider it a flea. I thought of it

as a " weekend off " - because I have just the one kid and husband, so when they

are off camping, it's just me and the dogs. I actually look forward to the

house staying clean, to being able to watch foreign films (without explosions or

football in them) on IFC, eating stuff they don't like (asparagus!), and not

having my schedule be based on whatever they've got going on.

But yes, there has been a certain amount of lying on the couch and vegetating.

Although I still hear the siren song of the sofa, I'm doing better about hitting

the gym or going to do things that interest me, rather than just piling up here

all weekend. That change came about when the lightbulb went off about my BPD

mom and I realized the " script " she'd given me wasn't true (I am NOT worthless

and meant only to be a servant to her, and " not good enough " to deserve anything

- or any time - for myself!)

I'll have to say that a lot of the " sitting around " has to do with a lack of

money, but I have started doing things that are either free, cheap, or already

paid for (like going to the gym for several hours, hitting the whirlpool, etc.)

It feels a lot better, and my energy level has risen accordingly. I'm also

starting to reclaim my old attitude toward doing things by myself - I think it

got shelved when my son was born, because it's hard to take off when you have a

new baby, and then you settle into that " mom " role, and things just kind of get

away from you. But lately, if I can't get the family to go with me somewhere, I

don't automatically give up on my plans.

However, the budgetary constraints often get in my way. If money's going to be

spent, I feel it should be spent on ALL of us. Funny, they don't seem to think

the same way! But I'm planning some outings for the fall, when the weather

improves (the heat here is unbearable until late September). They can come

along, stay home, whatever - but I'm a-goin'. My son's homework load will just

have to be HIS problem. Mommy is through hovering!

Isn't your son going to be home with you during the week? Can you schedule

something that the two of you would enjoy, and that doesn't usually get done

when Dad and Daughter are around?

Can't wait to hear about their trip!

>

> I mean the flea of feeling abandoned.

>

> I had been talking to a couple of others here about it and it seems like

others do experience it. (apologies to them for my repetitiveness)

>

> Here's how it happens to me (fortunately it's happening much, much less now

that I'm aware of it!): my husband will say, " I'm going to play cards Friday

night with so and so. "

>

> Inside, my heart would seize, my chest would constrict and my stomach would go

into knots. He recently told me that he could tell I was upset whenever he would

announce plans apart from me b/c my face would turn to stone. (now when he tells

me this, I'm more like, " oh good; I get the tv to myself! " so...progress!)

>

> It used to happen like that if he would make plans or if a friend mentioned

doing stuff with someone else, etc.

>

> Now, as some of you know, my husband and daughter are taking a weeklong

dad/daughter trip next month and I've had a few bad episodes of these feelings.

Mostly of anxiety, of what will I do if this or that happens.

>

> It has not been easy for me to stop being anxious about it. Not so much about

their safety (they're going to a national park) but about MY safety...who will

take care of ME...how will I get through the week w/out my husband...it's scary

at night...what will I do if something comes up....I had to SLAP myself (so to

speak).

>

> This is a HUGE bpd flea for me that my mother truly modeled for me, that I

need someone to make decisions for me and to take care of me, that learned

helplessness. I've never really been on my own. Her suffocating

overprotectiveness affected my sense of autonomy, of being able to do things on

my own. I don't know how to explain it.

>

> I realized that I have assigned my husband an incredible amount of power that

he doesn't even want. It's as though only my husband is able to orchestrate

events and happenings; as though we can’t do anything without his setting it

into motion. How did I get to this point??

>

> I'm also experiencing feelings of sabotage as their week away approaches-- " oh

I’m just going to pig out and numb myself from feeling anything b/c of how

hard the week will be!!!!†as though it’s not worth putting effort into my

health if things aren’t exactly as they were and are.

>

> As well, feelings of powerlessness; I’m feeling fear from time to time (not

all the time) that I’m going to fall apart when they go, so strong that I feel

like I want to crawl into a corner into a fetal position and suck my thumb until

they return!

>

> I want the week they're away to be a good one! I'm filling it up with

interesting appointments, music, friends, etc. Growing up, when my father had

to do something out of the house without us, my mother would kind of just sit

around and watch tv. Almost as if we had to be paralyzed until he returned and

took us somewhere or found something for us to do. I am appalled at how I have

let that happen to me. It's awful. I don't want to continue this horrid

pattern!!

>

> I want to change, and that's always a good thing!!

>

> I would love to hear if anyone else experiences this. Thanks for e-listening!

>

> Fiona

>