does anyone else deal with this flea?

[Guest guest]

I mean the flea of feeling abandoned.

I had been talking to a couple of others here about it and it seems like others

do experience it. (apologies to them for my repetitiveness)

Here's how it happens to me (fortunately it's happening much, much less now that

I'm aware of it!): my husband will say, " I'm going to play cards Friday night

with so and so. "

Inside, my heart would seize, my chest would constrict and my stomach would go

into knots. He recently told me that he could tell I was upset whenever he would

announce plans apart from me b/c my face would turn to stone. (now when he tells

me this, I'm more like, " oh good; I get the tv to myself! " so...progress!)

It used to happen like that if he would make plans or if a friend mentioned

doing stuff with someone else, etc.

Now, as some of you know, my husband and daughter are taking a weeklong

dad/daughter trip next month and I've had a few bad episodes of these feelings.

Mostly of anxiety, of what will I do if this or that happens.

It has not been easy for me to stop being anxious about it. Not so much about

their safety (they're going to a national park) but about MY safety...who will

take care of ME...how will I get through the week w/out my husband...it's scary

at night...what will I do if something comes up....I had to SLAP myself (so to

speak).

This is a HUGE bpd flea for me that my mother truly modeled for me, that I need

someone to make decisions for me and to take care of me, that learned

helplessness. I've never really been on my own. Her suffocating

overprotectiveness affected my sense of autonomy, of being able to do things on

my own. I don't know how to explain it.

I realized that I have assigned my husband an incredible amount of power that he

doesn't even want. It's as though only my husband is able to orchestrate events

and happenings; as though we can’t do anything without his setting it into

motion. How did I get to this point??

I'm also experiencing feelings of sabotage as their week away approaches-- " oh

I’m just going to pig out and numb myself from feeling anything b/c of how

hard the week will be!!!!†as though it’s not worth putting effort into my

health if things aren’t exactly as they were and are.

As well, feelings of powerlessness; I’m feeling fear from time to time (not

all the time) that I’m going to fall apart when they go, so strong that I feel

like I want to crawl into a corner into a fetal position and suck my thumb until

they return!

I want the week they're away to be a good one! I'm filling it up with

interesting appointments, music, friends, etc. Growing up, when my father had

to do something out of the house without us, my mother would kind of just sit

around and watch tv. Almost as if we had to be paralyzed until he returned and

took us somewhere or found something for us to do. I am appalled at how I have

let that happen to me. It's awful. I don't want to continue this horrid

pattern!!

I want to change, and that's always a good thing!!

I would love to hear if anyone else experiences this. Thanks for e-listening!

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Yes. I have to deal with abandonment stuff out the wazoo.

As a way of encouragement, let me recount a story: Years ago, I married very

young to an NPD. (Clearly not your case, but go with me on this one.) He had

to leave for 4-5 days for a family funeral. I had never been alone that long

before, and had learned from nada that it was HORRIBLE AND TERRIFYING AND DEEPLY

HIDEOUS!! I simply couldn't live without my husband that long, and all would

fall apart without him next to me.

I called my friends and gave them a heads up--they would have to call me and

keep me entertained during this horrible season of desperate aloneness.

He left, I took a deep breath . . . and it felt so good, just being in my own

home and in my own head without interuption, I didn't even pick up the phone

when my wonderful friends called. It was the most precious, peaceful weekend I

had ever had at the time.

Worst thing that husband ever did was let me realize he was a pain and not a

necessity.

Seriously, I will hope this weekend is the same for you. A nice respite of

peace and quiet and the sheer/pure enjoyment of your own wonderful company.

Just don't abandon yourself by believing you aren't whole all by yourself. You

don't need anyone else to define your structure. You have yourself, and you are

enough. Which, of course, doesn't diminish your love for your family

whatsoever. Nor does it diminish their love for you.

You aren't nada. You are stronger, better, well-defined . . . and, frankly,

infinitely better company!!!

Blessings!

Karla

>

> I mean the flea of feeling abandoned.

>

> I had been talking to a couple of others here about it and it seems like

others do experience it. (apologies to them for my repetitiveness)

>

> Here's how it happens to me (fortunately it's happening much, much less now

that I'm aware of it!): my husband will say, " I'm going to play cards Friday

night with so and so. "

>

> Inside, my heart would seize, my chest would constrict and my stomach would go

into knots. He recently told me that he could tell I was upset whenever he would

announce plans apart from me b/c my face would turn to stone. (now when he tells

me this, I'm more like, " oh good; I get the tv to myself! " so...progress!)

>

> It used to happen like that if he would make plans or if a friend mentioned

doing stuff with someone else, etc.

>

> Now, as some of you know, my husband and daughter are taking a weeklong

dad/daughter trip next month and I've had a few bad episodes of these feelings.

Mostly of anxiety, of what will I do if this or that happens.

>

> It has not been easy for me to stop being anxious about it. Not so much about

their safety (they're going to a national park) but about MY safety...who will

take care of ME...how will I get through the week w/out my husband...it's scary

at night...what will I do if something comes up....I had to SLAP myself (so to

speak).

>

> This is a HUGE bpd flea for me that my mother truly modeled for me, that I

need someone to make decisions for me and to take care of me, that learned

helplessness. I've never really been on my own. Her suffocating

overprotectiveness affected my sense of autonomy, of being able to do things on

my own. I don't know how to explain it.

>

> I realized that I have assigned my husband an incredible amount of power that

he doesn't even want. It's as though only my husband is able to orchestrate

events and happenings; as though we can’t do anything without his setting it

into motion. How did I get to this point??

>

> I'm also experiencing feelings of sabotage as their week away approaches-- " oh

I’m just going to pig out and numb myself from feeling anything b/c of how

hard the week will be!!!!†as though it’s not worth putting effort into my

health if things aren’t exactly as they were and are.

>

> As well, feelings of powerlessness; I’m feeling fear from time to time (not

all the time) that I’m going to fall apart when they go, so strong that I feel

like I want to crawl into a corner into a fetal position and suck my thumb until

they return!

>

> I want the week they're away to be a good one! I'm filling it up with

interesting appointments, music, friends, etc. Growing up, when my father had

to do something out of the house without us, my mother would kind of just sit

around and watch tv. Almost as if we had to be paralyzed until he returned and

took us somewhere or found something for us to do. I am appalled at how I have

let that happen to me. It's awful. I don't want to continue this horrid

pattern!!

>

> I want to change, and that's always a good thing!!

>

> I would love to hear if anyone else experiences this. Thanks for e-listening!

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Yes. I have to deal with abandonment stuff out the wazoo.

As a way of encouragement, let me recount a story: Years ago, I married very

young to an NPD. (Clearly not your case, but go with me on this one.) He had

to leave for 4-5 days for a family funeral. I had never been alone that long

before, and had learned from nada that it was HORRIBLE AND TERRIFYING AND DEEPLY

HIDEOUS!! I simply couldn't live without my husband that long, and all would

fall apart without him next to me.

I called my friends and gave them a heads up--they would have to call me and

keep me entertained during this horrible season of desperate aloneness.

He left, I took a deep breath . . . and it felt so good, just being in my own

home and in my own head without interuption, I didn't even pick up the phone

when my wonderful friends called. It was the most precious, peaceful weekend I

had ever had at the time.

Worst thing that husband ever did was let me realize he was a pain and not a

necessity.

Seriously, I will hope this weekend is the same for you. A nice respite of

peace and quiet and the sheer/pure enjoyment of your own wonderful company.

Just don't abandon yourself by believing you aren't whole all by yourself. You

don't need anyone else to define your structure. You have yourself, and you are

enough. Which, of course, doesn't diminish your love for your family

whatsoever. Nor does it diminish their love for you.

You aren't nada. You are stronger, better, well-defined . . . and, frankly,

infinitely better company!!!

Blessings!

Karla

>

> I mean the flea of feeling abandoned.

>

> I had been talking to a couple of others here about it and it seems like

others do experience it. (apologies to them for my repetitiveness)

>

> Here's how it happens to me (fortunately it's happening much, much less now

that I'm aware of it!): my husband will say, " I'm going to play cards Friday

night with so and so. "

>

> Inside, my heart would seize, my chest would constrict and my stomach would go

into knots. He recently told me that he could tell I was upset whenever he would

announce plans apart from me b/c my face would turn to stone. (now when he tells

me this, I'm more like, " oh good; I get the tv to myself! " so...progress!)

>

> It used to happen like that if he would make plans or if a friend mentioned

doing stuff with someone else, etc.

>

> Now, as some of you know, my husband and daughter are taking a weeklong

dad/daughter trip next month and I've had a few bad episodes of these feelings.

Mostly of anxiety, of what will I do if this or that happens.

>

> It has not been easy for me to stop being anxious about it. Not so much about

their safety (they're going to a national park) but about MY safety...who will

take care of ME...how will I get through the week w/out my husband...it's scary

at night...what will I do if something comes up....I had to SLAP myself (so to

speak).

>

> This is a HUGE bpd flea for me that my mother truly modeled for me, that I

need someone to make decisions for me and to take care of me, that learned

helplessness. I've never really been on my own. Her suffocating

overprotectiveness affected my sense of autonomy, of being able to do things on

my own. I don't know how to explain it.

>

> I realized that I have assigned my husband an incredible amount of power that

he doesn't even want. It's as though only my husband is able to orchestrate

events and happenings; as though we can’t do anything without his setting it

into motion. How did I get to this point??

>

> I'm also experiencing feelings of sabotage as their week away approaches-- " oh

I’m just going to pig out and numb myself from feeling anything b/c of how

hard the week will be!!!!†as though it’s not worth putting effort into my

health if things aren’t exactly as they were and are.

>

> As well, feelings of powerlessness; I’m feeling fear from time to time (not

all the time) that I’m going to fall apart when they go, so strong that I feel

like I want to crawl into a corner into a fetal position and suck my thumb until

they return!

>

> I want the week they're away to be a good one! I'm filling it up with

interesting appointments, music, friends, etc. Growing up, when my father had

to do something out of the house without us, my mother would kind of just sit

around and watch tv. Almost as if we had to be paralyzed until he returned and

took us somewhere or found something for us to do. I am appalled at how I have

let that happen to me. It's awful. I don't want to continue this horrid

pattern!!

>

> I want to change, and that's always a good thing!!

>

> I would love to hear if anyone else experiences this. Thanks for e-listening!

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

Yes. I have to deal with abandonment stuff out the wazoo.

As a way of encouragement, let me recount a story: Years ago, I married very

young to an NPD. (Clearly not your case, but go with me on this one.) He had

to leave for 4-5 days for a family funeral. I had never been alone that long

before, and had learned from nada that it was HORRIBLE AND TERRIFYING AND DEEPLY

HIDEOUS!! I simply couldn't live without my husband that long, and all would

fall apart without him next to me.

I called my friends and gave them a heads up--they would have to call me and

keep me entertained during this horrible season of desperate aloneness.

He left, I took a deep breath . . . and it felt so good, just being in my own

home and in my own head without interuption, I didn't even pick up the phone

when my wonderful friends called. It was the most precious, peaceful weekend I

had ever had at the time.

Worst thing that husband ever did was let me realize he was a pain and not a

necessity.

Seriously, I will hope this weekend is the same for you. A nice respite of

peace and quiet and the sheer/pure enjoyment of your own wonderful company.

Just don't abandon yourself by believing you aren't whole all by yourself. You

don't need anyone else to define your structure. You have yourself, and you are

enough. Which, of course, doesn't diminish your love for your family

whatsoever. Nor does it diminish their love for you.

You aren't nada. You are stronger, better, well-defined . . . and, frankly,

infinitely better company!!!

Blessings!

Karla

>

> I mean the flea of feeling abandoned.

>

> I had been talking to a couple of others here about it and it seems like

others do experience it. (apologies to them for my repetitiveness)

>

> Here's how it happens to me (fortunately it's happening much, much less now

that I'm aware of it!): my husband will say, " I'm going to play cards Friday

night with so and so. "

>

> Inside, my heart would seize, my chest would constrict and my stomach would go

into knots. He recently told me that he could tell I was upset whenever he would

announce plans apart from me b/c my face would turn to stone. (now when he tells

me this, I'm more like, " oh good; I get the tv to myself! " so...progress!)

>

> It used to happen like that if he would make plans or if a friend mentioned

doing stuff with someone else, etc.

>

> Now, as some of you know, my husband and daughter are taking a weeklong

dad/daughter trip next month and I've had a few bad episodes of these feelings.

Mostly of anxiety, of what will I do if this or that happens.

>

> It has not been easy for me to stop being anxious about it. Not so much about

their safety (they're going to a national park) but about MY safety...who will

take care of ME...how will I get through the week w/out my husband...it's scary

at night...what will I do if something comes up....I had to SLAP myself (so to

speak).

>

> This is a HUGE bpd flea for me that my mother truly modeled for me, that I

need someone to make decisions for me and to take care of me, that learned

helplessness. I've never really been on my own. Her suffocating

overprotectiveness affected my sense of autonomy, of being able to do things on

my own. I don't know how to explain it.

>

> I realized that I have assigned my husband an incredible amount of power that

he doesn't even want. It's as though only my husband is able to orchestrate

events and happenings; as though we can’t do anything without his setting it

into motion. How did I get to this point??

>

> I'm also experiencing feelings of sabotage as their week away approaches-- " oh

I’m just going to pig out and numb myself from feeling anything b/c of how

hard the week will be!!!!†as though it’s not worth putting effort into my

health if things aren’t exactly as they were and are.

>

> As well, feelings of powerlessness; I’m feeling fear from time to time (not

all the time) that I’m going to fall apart when they go, so strong that I feel

like I want to crawl into a corner into a fetal position and suck my thumb until

they return!

>

> I want the week they're away to be a good one! I'm filling it up with

interesting appointments, music, friends, etc. Growing up, when my father had

to do something out of the house without us, my mother would kind of just sit

around and watch tv. Almost as if we had to be paralyzed until he returned and

took us somewhere or found something for us to do. I am appalled at how I have

let that happen to me. It's awful. I don't want to continue this horrid

pattern!!

>

> I want to change, and that's always a good thing!!

>

> I would love to hear if anyone else experiences this. Thanks for e-listening!

>

> Fiona

>