Re: Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

[Guest guest]

oh, that's a relief !!!

Jackie

No... I've been NC for a few months now. Funny story, I'm traveling to

Toronto's airport this weekend, so is my Nada, and so is my maternal grandma

=P 3 generations, one airport. I got my Nada's confirmed travel dates

through my grandma, and in theory we're flying on different days *whew*

[Guest guest]

oh, that's a relief !!!

Jackie

No... I've been NC for a few months now. Funny story, I'm traveling to

Toronto's airport this weekend, so is my Nada, and so is my maternal grandma

=P 3 generations, one airport. I got my Nada's confirmed travel dates

through my grandma, and in theory we're flying on different days *whew*

[Guest guest]

I reconnected with my estranged family several years ago too.  my nada chased

her entire family off before I was born and was as nasty to them as she was to

me.  She has told numerous people that they are dead.  Funny thing is the one

I'm closest too nada hated the most.

The best part of it for me was reaffirming my suspician that she was nuts before

my dad she was nuts before I was born.

proflaf

Subject: Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 10:13 PM

 

Thanks for the advice =) My dad is one of seven children, all of whom had

multiple children, so I have TONS of aunts, uncles, and cousins... I've had the

chance to talk to some of them on Facebook, and they're all so welcoming and

friendly! My Nada called them " a bunch of Alberta rednecks " which my dad also

agrees with that to some extent (more in a joking way because he chose a

different life; Nada thinks of them as embarrassing and uses " redneck " not in

jest but as an insult). It *has* been weird having my dad ask about me, and

being able to talk to him without being interrupted, having the subject changed,

getting yelled at, or having it turn into something about him =) Then again, I

can't wait to be camping and wear shorts/tanktop/flannel without my Nada glaring

at me, calling me crass, and taunting me for " returning to the life [she]

escaped " !

Thanks for the reassuring story/advice/insight,

Frances

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

> >

> > Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she was

downright nasty.

> >

> > 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times over

the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he stopped (high

school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going through another

[amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made things worse for me. Nada

was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from her, so he was right about

contact making things worse.

> >

> > Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him back

after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was fear of

Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

> >

> > Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I haven't

seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too little to

remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad and I are gonna

crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the campsite on Saturday. My

dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday, and I'll be back at work 8:30

Wednesday morning.

> >

> > So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting his

new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with him

1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

> >

> > Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough to

be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute way,

like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college student, hmm,

I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it first, ok. " Thing is,

I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be parented in any way shape or

form. I can act the parent, but... I don't think I even know how to describe the

role of " kid " . My therapist specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she

gave explaining it a whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

> >

> > So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the adult?

How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I asking the

right questions?

> >

> > I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> > -Frances

> >

> > P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

(possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday). We

go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and I go

through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into Toronto. Even

though we'll be on different flights (different destinations), we'll probably be

in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll bump into her, but

dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm going =P On a not so

jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the terminal? Do I ignore her? Do

I pretend I don't know her? Do I call security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I reconnected with my aunts and uncles and cousins after going NC with my nada.

I, too, am closest to the one that nada hated the most, which is my aunt and

cousin. I think after I told them that I am no longer speaking to my nada, the

floodgates opened and they all told me how much they wanted to have a

relationship with me as a kid but my nada pushed them away. That was eye opening

to me because my WHOLE life I was told how they hated me and never loved me.

AJ

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 10:13 PM

 

Thanks for the advice =) My dad is one of seven children, all of whom had

multiple children, so I have TONS of aunts, uncles, and cousins... I've had the

chance to talk to some of them on Facebook, and they're all so welcoming and

friendly! My Nada called them " a bunch of Alberta rednecks " which my dad also

agrees with that to some extent (more in a joking way because he chose a

different life; Nada thinks of them as embarrassing and uses " redneck " not in

jest but as an insult). It *has* been weird having my dad ask about me, and

being able to talk to him without being interrupted, having the subject changed,

getting yelled at, or having it turn into something about him =) Then again, I

can't wait to be camping and wear shorts/tanktop/flannel without my Nada glaring

at me, calling me crass, and taunting me for " returning to the life [she]

escaped " !

Thanks for the reassuring story/advice/insight,

Frances

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

> >

> > Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she was

downright nasty.

> >

> > 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times over

the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he stopped (high

school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going through another

[amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made things worse for me. Nada

was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from her, so he was right about

contact making things worse.

> >

> > Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him back

after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was fear of

Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

> >

> > Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I haven't

seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too little to

remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad and I are gonna

crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the campsite on Saturday. My

dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday, and I'll be back at work 8:30

Wednesday morning.

> >

> > So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting his

new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with him

1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

> >

> > Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough to

be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute way,

like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college student, hmm,

I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it first, ok. " Thing is,

I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be parented in any way shape or

form. I can act the parent, but... I don't think I even know how to describe the

role of " kid " . My therapist specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she

gave explaining it a whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

> >

> > So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the adult?

How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I asking the

right questions?

> >

> > I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> > -Frances

> >

> > P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

(possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday). We

go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and I go

through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into Toronto. Even

though we'll be on different flights (different destinations), we'll probably be

in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll bump into her, but

dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm going =P On a not so

jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the terminal? Do I ignore her? Do

I pretend I don't know her? Do I call security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I reconnected with my aunts and uncles and cousins after going NC with my nada.

I, too, am closest to the one that nada hated the most, which is my aunt and

cousin. I think after I told them that I am no longer speaking to my nada, the

floodgates opened and they all told me how much they wanted to have a

relationship with me as a kid but my nada pushed them away. That was eye opening

to me because my WHOLE life I was told how they hated me and never loved me.

AJ

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 10:13 PM

 

Thanks for the advice =) My dad is one of seven children, all of whom had

multiple children, so I have TONS of aunts, uncles, and cousins... I've had the

chance to talk to some of them on Facebook, and they're all so welcoming and

friendly! My Nada called them " a bunch of Alberta rednecks " which my dad also

agrees with that to some extent (more in a joking way because he chose a

different life; Nada thinks of them as embarrassing and uses " redneck " not in

jest but as an insult). It *has* been weird having my dad ask about me, and

being able to talk to him without being interrupted, having the subject changed,

getting yelled at, or having it turn into something about him =) Then again, I

can't wait to be camping and wear shorts/tanktop/flannel without my Nada glaring

at me, calling me crass, and taunting me for " returning to the life [she]

escaped " !

Thanks for the reassuring story/advice/insight,

Frances

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

> >

> > Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she was

downright nasty.

> >

> > 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times over

the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he stopped (high

school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going through another

[amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made things worse for me. Nada

was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from her, so he was right about

contact making things worse.

> >

> > Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him back

after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was fear of

Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

> >

> > Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I haven't

seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too little to

remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad and I are gonna

crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the campsite on Saturday. My

dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday, and I'll be back at work 8:30

Wednesday morning.

> >

> > So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting his

new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with him

1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

> >

> > Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough to

be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute way,

like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college student, hmm,

I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it first, ok. " Thing is,

I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be parented in any way shape or

form. I can act the parent, but... I don't think I even know how to describe the

role of " kid " . My therapist specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she

gave explaining it a whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

> >

> > So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the adult?

How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I asking the

right questions?

> >

> > I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> > -Frances

> >

> > P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

(possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday). We

go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and I go

through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into Toronto. Even

though we'll be on different flights (different destinations), we'll probably be

in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll bump into her, but

dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm going =P On a not so

jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the terminal? Do I ignore her? Do

I pretend I don't know her? Do I call security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I reconnected with my aunts and uncles and cousins after going NC with my nada.

I, too, am closest to the one that nada hated the most, which is my aunt and

cousin. I think after I told them that I am no longer speaking to my nada, the

floodgates opened and they all told me how much they wanted to have a

relationship with me as a kid but my nada pushed them away. That was eye opening

to me because my WHOLE life I was told how they hated me and never loved me.

AJ

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 10:13 PM

 

Thanks for the advice =) My dad is one of seven children, all of whom had

multiple children, so I have TONS of aunts, uncles, and cousins... I've had the

chance to talk to some of them on Facebook, and they're all so welcoming and

friendly! My Nada called them " a bunch of Alberta rednecks " which my dad also

agrees with that to some extent (more in a joking way because he chose a

different life; Nada thinks of them as embarrassing and uses " redneck " not in

jest but as an insult). It *has* been weird having my dad ask about me, and

being able to talk to him without being interrupted, having the subject changed,

getting yelled at, or having it turn into something about him =) Then again, I

can't wait to be camping and wear shorts/tanktop/flannel without my Nada glaring

at me, calling me crass, and taunting me for " returning to the life [she]

escaped " !

Thanks for the reassuring story/advice/insight,

Frances

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

> >

> > Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she was

downright nasty.

> >

> > 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times over

the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he stopped (high

school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going through another

[amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made things worse for me. Nada

was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from her, so he was right about

contact making things worse.

> >

> > Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him back

after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was fear of

Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

> >

> > Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I haven't

seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too little to

remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad and I are gonna

crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the campsite on Saturday. My

dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday, and I'll be back at work 8:30

Wednesday morning.

> >

> > So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting his

new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with him

1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

> >

> > Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough to

be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute way,

like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college student, hmm,

I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it first, ok. " Thing is,

I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be parented in any way shape or

form. I can act the parent, but... I don't think I even know how to describe the

role of " kid " . My therapist specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she

gave explaining it a whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

> >

> > So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the adult?

How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I asking the

right questions?

> >

> > I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> > -Frances

> >

> > P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

(possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday). We

go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and I go

through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into Toronto. Even

though we'll be on different flights (different destinations), we'll probably be

in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll bump into her, but

dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm going =P On a not so

jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the terminal? Do I ignore her? Do

I pretend I don't know her? Do I call security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If you see nada, try not to be seen. Don't engage. Don't speak to her. Just

stay true to your NC. I think you are brave to be NC at 19, wow! I wish I'd

been that smart.

>

>

> I reconnected with my aunts and uncles and cousins after going NC with my

> nada. I, too, am closest to the one that nada hated the most, which is my

> aunt and cousin. I think after I told them that I am no longer speaking to

> my nada, the floodgates opened and they all told me how much they wanted to

> have a relationship with me as a kid but my nada pushed them away. That was

> eye opening to me because my WHOLE life I was told how they hated me and

> never loved me.

> AJ

> Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

>

> Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 10:13 PM

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Thanks for the advice =) My dad is one of seven children, all of whom had

> multiple children, so I have TONS of aunts, uncles, and cousins... I've had

> the chance to talk to some of them on Facebook, and they're all so welcoming

> and friendly! My Nada called them " a bunch of Alberta rednecks " which my dad

> also agrees with that to some extent (more in a joking way because he chose

> a different life; Nada thinks of them as embarrassing and uses " redneck " not

> in jest but as an insult). It *has* been weird having my dad ask about me,

> and being able to talk to him without being interrupted, having the subject

> changed, getting yelled at, or having it turn into something about him =)

> Then again, I can't wait to be camping and wear shorts/tanktop/flannel

> without my Nada glaring at me, calling me crass, and taunting me for

> " returning to the life [she] escaped " !

>

>

>

> Thanks for the reassuring story/advice/insight,

>

> Frances

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

>

> > > Hi!

>

> > >

>

> > > My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated

> when I was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with

> my dad until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

>

> > >

>

> > > Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch

> with me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that

> would deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In

> short, she was downright nasty.

>

> > >

>

> > > 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to

> the US, and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few

> times over the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually

> he stopped (high school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was

> going through another [amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made

> things worse for me. Nada was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from

> her, so he was right about contact making things worse.

>

> > >

>

> > > Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue

> (after having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call

> him back after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before

> was fear of Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since

> then.

>

> > >

>

> > > Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13),

> my half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I

> haven't seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too

> little to remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad

> and I are gonna crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the

> campsite on Saturday. My dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday,

> and I'll be back at work 8:30 Wednesday morning.

>

> > >

>

> > > So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

> Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

> seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting

> his new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with

> him 1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

> disappointment?

>

> > >

>

> > > Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no

> clue how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young

> enough to be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in

> a cute way, like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a

> college student, hmm, I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think

> about it first, ok. " Thing is, I don't know how to be a daughter or how to

> be parented in any way shape or form. I can act the parent, but... I don't

> think I even know how to describe the role of " kid " . My therapist

> specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she gave explaining it a

> whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

>

> > >

>

> > > So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role

> works? Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent

> the adult? How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges?

> Am I asking the right questions?

>

> > >

>

> > > I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If

> worst comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

>

> > > -Frances

>

> > >

>

> > > P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

> (possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday).

> We go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and

> I go through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into

> Toronto. Even though we'll be on different flights (different destinations),

> we'll probably be in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll

> bump into her, but dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm

> going =P On a not so jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the

> terminal? Do I ignore her? Do I pretend I don't know her? Do I call

> security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

>

> > >

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[Guest guest]

If you see nada, try not to be seen. Don't engage. Don't speak to her. Just

stay true to your NC. I think you are brave to be NC at 19, wow! I wish I'd

been that smart.

>

>

> I reconnected with my aunts and uncles and cousins after going NC with my

> nada. I, too, am closest to the one that nada hated the most, which is my

> aunt and cousin. I think after I told them that I am no longer speaking to

> my nada, the floodgates opened and they all told me how much they wanted to

> have a relationship with me as a kid but my nada pushed them away. That was

> eye opening to me because my WHOLE life I was told how they hated me and

> never loved me.

> AJ

> Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

>

> Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 10:13 PM

>

>

>

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>

>

> Thanks for the advice =) My dad is one of seven children, all of whom had

> multiple children, so I have TONS of aunts, uncles, and cousins... I've had

> the chance to talk to some of them on Facebook, and they're all so welcoming

> and friendly! My Nada called them " a bunch of Alberta rednecks " which my dad

> also agrees with that to some extent (more in a joking way because he chose

> a different life; Nada thinks of them as embarrassing and uses " redneck " not

> in jest but as an insult). It *has* been weird having my dad ask about me,

> and being able to talk to him without being interrupted, having the subject

> changed, getting yelled at, or having it turn into something about him =)

> Then again, I can't wait to be camping and wear shorts/tanktop/flannel

> without my Nada glaring at me, calling me crass, and taunting me for

> " returning to the life [she] escaped " !

>

>

>

> Thanks for the reassuring story/advice/insight,

>

> Frances

>

>

>

>

>

> > >

>

> > > Hi!

>

> > >

>

> > > My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated

> when I was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with

> my dad until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

>

> > >

>

> > > Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch

> with me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that

> would deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In

> short, she was downright nasty.

>

> > >

>

> > > 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to

> the US, and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few

> times over the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually

> he stopped (high school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was

> going through another [amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made

> things worse for me. Nada was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from

> her, so he was right about contact making things worse.

>

> > >

>

> > > Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue

> (after having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call

> him back after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before

> was fear of Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since

> then.

>

> > >

>

> > > Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13),

> my half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I

> haven't seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too

> little to remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad

> and I are gonna crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the

> campsite on Saturday. My dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday,

> and I'll be back at work 8:30 Wednesday morning.

>

> > >

>

> > > So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

> Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

> seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting

> his new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with

> him 1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

> disappointment?

>

> > >

>

> > > Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no

> clue how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young

> enough to be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in

> a cute way, like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a

> college student, hmm, I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think

> about it first, ok. " Thing is, I don't know how to be a daughter or how to

> be parented in any way shape or form. I can act the parent, but... I don't

> think I even know how to describe the role of " kid " . My therapist

> specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she gave explaining it a

> whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

>

> > >

>

> > > So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role

> works? Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent

> the adult? How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges?

> Am I asking the right questions?

>

> > >

>

> > > I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If

> worst comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

>

> > > -Frances

>

> > >

>

> > > P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

> (possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday).

> We go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and

> I go through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into

> Toronto. Even though we'll be on different flights (different destinations),

> we'll probably be in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll

> bump into her, but dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm

> going =P On a not so jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the

> terminal? Do I ignore her? Do I pretend I don't know her? Do I call

> security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

>

> > >

>

> >

>

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