Re: Re: Would you like to do a therapy assignment?

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ALSO CONFIDED IN ME ABOUT EVERYTHING THERE WERE NO SECRETS, HER SEX LIFE,

MARITAL AND FINANCIAL PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS WITH HER FAMILY, HER MOTHER, HER EX

FIANCE, MY DAD. and when I finally said I don't want to be privy to this

information *I was 18 by this time* our relationship took a turn for the

worse, also she is paranoid that I am going to hurt her.. she can't trust me

anymore,

She also says whats the point of living a lot, but she never makes a

suicidal attempt because she's way too catholic for that. And suicide in the

catholic religion = hell, which she believes in.

On Fri, Jul 23, 2010 at 2:31 PM, Lee Cubero wrote:

> 1. Idealizes and idolizes me, and when I inevitably fall short from her

> unrealistic expectations, throws a volatile temper tantrum, throwing objects

> at my face, breaking furniture, cursing me off, knocking doors down to get

> to me, just to keep fighting in my face. Blaming me for being an evil child

> when I defend against myself.

>

> 2. Twisting every situation, and every word I say so that I feel confused

> and mixed up, and then blaming me for confusing her and mixing her up. Also,

> stealing my " thunder. " For example, I always feel like I have to exert

> extreme caution around her with everything I do and say, the classic

> " walking on eggshells. " She will take my feelings, tell me I have no right

> to feel them because I am a spoiled brat who is disrespectful, and then she

> will tell me that having a relationship with ME is like walking on eggshells

> and she is tired of my abuse and lack of compassion toward her. Projecting

> what she feels about herself and her actions on me.

>

> 4. Calling a million times, and leaving a million nasty, then affectionate

> and loving messages. First message: " It's over, we aren't mother and

> daughter, and certainly not friends. Never talk to me again! " Second

> message: " I'm sorry for the way things turned out, it's not your fault that

> you have no compassion and are selfish just like your father, . " She

> sometimes calls me (The name of my so called selfish father) and

> sometimes she calls me Ms. Brinn (The name of my former therapist, the first

> to inform me that my mother was manipulative, controlling and codependent.)

> Then the last voice mail will go something like this: " , I adore and

> love you, and you know what, I will put up with your abuse because I love

> you so much and have sacrificed my whole life for you, I never thought you'd

> turn on me this way (standing up for myself) and I never thought you could

> be so disloyal to your own mother. "

>

> 5. Constant attacks, constant appraisals. She will verbally put me down,

> and then praise me for how much I helped her when I was little, how I'm her

> right hand woman. And then at home, blame me for not doing enough, for

> betraying her, for disloyalty. She tells me she looks up to the jersey

> housewives on how to run a proper household. Didn't I just see a clip of the

> NJ housewife flipping over a table in a fit of rage? -- Need I say more.

>

> 6. Making me do things over and over until it's perfect.

>

> 7. Denial of having borderline personality disorder, even though she's the

> one that told me one of her psychiatrists thinks she has it, and all of the

> signs point to her having it. She claims that because she isn't a sexually

> aggressive person with a plethora of sex partners, that she doesn't have it.

> Just because you don't have one characteristic trait doesn't mean you don't

> have it. She doesn't want to get help, and thinks I just need to be more

> compassionate toward her.

>

> 8. Breaking my glasses, throwing high heels at my face (always my face) me

> ducking and breaking the glass window (just because I didn't want to go to

> the mall with her). Sometimes I ask her to go out and she isn't in the mood,

> you don't see me breaking her stuff.

>

> 9. Constant bringing up the past, inability to let go, high expectations

> from others, like extended family, who avoid her because of her violent,

> nasty temper and are tired of taking the brunt of it. So my mom will blame

> them for being terrible family members, and bring up the past of all the

> hurtful ways they've let her down over the last 41 years.

>

> 10. Jealously if I have a close relationship with my step mom, who she

> considers to be the woman who ruined her wedding plans, when really my mom's

> mental illness got in the way of her dreams of marital bliss. My dad always

> says that she was his best friend, BUT she was way too crazy.

>

> 11. Religious fanatic. My mother will curse me out, throw things at me, and

> then sing religious songs about Jesus, and throw holy water on me, because I

> am " the spawn of the devil. " Inability to have an open mind when it comes to

> societal issues.

>

> 12. What I say and do is set and stone, what she says and does is excusable

> and don't take everything too seriously. She says " I'll cut you with a

> knife. " Apparently, the NJ housewife also said this statement, but she was

> eggagerating. I say, " I'll ruin you. " (Meaning I called the police and

> threatened to claim my independence for financial aid. I also said that I

> was going to call my little brother's guidance counselor to let her know how

> dysfunctional the home is.) This apparently is not excusable, and saying

> " I'll ruin you " is somehow real and not worse than saying " I'll cut you with

> a knife. " Also, this woman, my mother pretend called the cops on me so many

> times, she would dial the phone, speak into the receiver: " Hello, officer,

> my 19 year old daughter is out of control, needs to be removed from the

> house, I am having a panic attack, I'm a very sick woman and can barely

> breathe. Then she would leave the house in her car, and make me wait for the

> cops to come. (I was never out of control, just defending myself- and she

> twisted the whole situation to make it seem like I like to cause chaos for

> my physically disabled mother (who has the ability to KNOCK DOWN DOORS which

> is why she is out of breath in the first place and fake calling the cops in

> hysteria.) The cops never did come, because she pretended to call them. But

> I really called the cops because she was singing the Jesus music again after

> a horrible day of fighting, and my brother (9) was squirting me with a water

> gun in the house, hanging from the doors, and well I felt like I was having

> a nervous breakdown myself! I needed out, and my mom took away the car keys.

> I'm only 19 and that car is in her name. I didn't know anyone in the area

> anymore, so I needed to be driven to the nearest hotel. And because I ruined

> her name in the town she lives in, I am disloyal and terrible.

>

> Of course I don't believe any of the demoralizing names she calls me, but

> it still hurts.

>

> This exercise helped me a lot because I always feel guilt tripped into

> answering the phone and letting her wiggle her way back into my life, my

> heart. As I was writing this she called, and it felt so good to hit the

> ignore button, sending her away, away, away.

>

> I spent a great evening with a guy, we'll call him Red. Red and I had great

> chemistry, both intellectually and physically. We were a little tipsy, and I

> kissed him. It was a great, passionate kiss. A day later, Red texted me, and

> we texted a little while. I was the last to text him, 3 text messages. Red

> never answered me back. Red owes me nothing, and just like Red can purposely

> forget to text me back, I can purposely forget to have contact with my nada.

>

>

> After my nada and I had that 2 week long viscous Easter break fight, I

> ignored her for a while, she calls after 3 weeks, and doesn't apologize,

> it's all excuses and blaming, but I let her back in and told her everything

> about myself, my life because it just feels so comfortable. After we would

> talk, I'd have immense regret about opening myself up to a person who can't

> even admit that she was really wrong for the way she treats me, who blames

> me for all the wrong in our relationship. So she's not over it either,

> because the last fight we had is all about the past, reaching as far back as

> 20 years, her jealously and anger toward my step mom, her anger about me

> reaching out to my cousin when we were fighting over Easter break, and her

> anger over me calling the police, wanting to tell the counselor, wanting my

> financial independence, and saying " I'll ruin you. "

>

> After the fighting, I realized there was a pattern, extreme happiness and

> good times, and then when I say the wrong thing, or mention something that

> reminds her that she's not quite over the past, she explodes, and I am sick

> and tired of it. I don't want to ride on this merry-go-round of madness and

> I've decided to go no contact, I'm taking it day by day and with this

> community support I think I will be fine. Thanks for sharing your exercise

> with us.

>

>

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>

>>

>>

>> I'll join in, my nada verbally abused my dad mostly, started to get bad

>> with me after he died, did some verbal abuse but not as atrocious as she was

>> to him. She blamed me and dad for her problems that she brought on

>> herself. Let's add she was a bit of a hypocondriac to to the point wherea

>> new disease comes out she's supposidly got it. yes I did go nc after dad

>> died because there was no reason to stick around in that abusive

>> relationship, fortunately for me I have the rest of her family that got

>> shoved away from nada becahse she chased them off and were as equally evil

>> to them as they were to me. They don't want her either. She has threatened

>> to 'let the animals out' a number of times that she's either gotten a hold

>> of a relative, although not anymore I told my aunt to stop bothering to talk

>> with her because all it did was stress me out. recently her friend tried to

>> harass me at work about poor nada, so obviously her little friends believe

>> her tales of whoa even though they won't hear my side, (has done that my

>> entire life and longer poor me how she's been wronged when she's been the

>> one screwing people) so they contact me and dump her crap on me. Gee wonder

>> if the house will go this time. Doubt it. Atleast the last two therapists

>> I've dealt with confirmed suspicians to me that she indeed is a borderline

>> and agree with me that staying out of her path is best for me. Miraculously

>> I stay out of her traps, I smell them before most peiople do so I can

>> quietly step away and live my life away from her separate. Odd thing you

>> mention she used you as a therapist, my nada was doign that before i went NC

>> and the discusting part was when I talked to her therapist/doctor about it

>> she said nope she says she's fine and refused to help her. That's why I had

>> to go NC, her doctors are dumb enough to believe her lies and won't get her

>> the help she needs and I wasn't gong to ruin my life for

>> someobyd who has done so much damage in mine. I chose to safely swim to

>> shore and join the rest of the world rather than stay in oz and be drowned.

>> prof laf

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> From: josephinebl67 <josephinebl67@... <josephinebl67%40yahoo.com>>

>> Subject: Re: Would you like to do a therapy

>> assignment?

>> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

>> Date: Tuesday, July 20, 2010, 3:34 AM

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> this is a great idea...just reading it caused me extreme anxiety thinking

>> about it.

>>

>> I first felt the truth that I didn't like my mother very much at times. I

>> am getting pretty distressed just thinking about it

>>

>> The main thing she did is using me as a therapist when i was very young.

>> Confiding in me about her marital and other problems. Then turning around

>> and saying I was a rotten kid who was always hurting her husband. It makes

>> me want to puke thinking about that. The constant switching back and forth,

>> split bad then good then bad then good. I'm the perpetrator, then the

>> rescuer, then the perpetrator, then the rescuer. She's ALWAYS the victim,

>> ALWAYS. If I'm not rescuing her then I am in danger. Holy crap I just

>> realized that's what she was doing this weekend that was driving me so nuts.

>> it's the Karpman drama triangle and she has a double mortgage on the victim

>> corner. and when I don't hear her crap, when I won 't let her whine all over

>> me and be pitiful (sample conversation this weekend between she and I: " I'm

>> feeling pretty good today. " her: " I'm glad YOU are. " me: I'm glad you're

>> glad for me. " )...stuff like that, that's when she moves me into the perp

>> corner. I never realized it but it's manipulation, that is why she does

>> it, it's how she hurts me and punishes me for not propping her up. She

>> doesn't see me as anything but an extension of her and chess piece to move

>> around depending on what her moods are. Just thinking about this makes me

>> really angry. She says the most hurtful, inane things, trying to conjure up

>> some ill will or wrong doing on my part. And I never realized before she is

>> threatening me, saying 'do my will or I am going to put you in the 'bad

>> person' corner again. Christ she has had me jumping through these hoops my

>> entire life. I really want to call her some curse words not that I am

>> thinking about it. How can she do this kind of thing. And how dare she.

>>

>> Well, thanks for the enlightenment, that's really all I want to think

>> about tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll make some more entries.

>>

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> >

>> > I'm supposed to be writing a list of things my mother did that I feel

>> were BPD related for therapy. Anyone want to do it here so we can compare?

>> >

>> >

>> >

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