Re: She won't let up, advice please!!

[Guest guest]

Thanks so much for your thoughts and advice. It doesn't matter how strong I get

with this, I still have my moments where it feels like I have no control over my

life and feel utterly hopeless.

, you are right there is nothing I could have done differently. I think I

know this deep down, but self-doubt and guilt always play on my mind when I'm

trying to process this stuff. I have tracked down quite a number of services

that have been really helpful (in Australia)and have given me a lot of advice

and I have been in contact with her doctors and church so that I know others in

her support network have a better understanding of the bigger picture. The idea

of her being in 24 hour care sounds comforting, but I just don't know how to go

about it and there is such a negative connotation in my mind about the whole

process of having someone committed- Hollywood inspired I'm sure I'd be

interested find out more about this from any one's experience though. Also, it

is complicated by the fact that in many aspects of her life, she is seemingly

fine.

Fiona, it does sound like our situations are very similar. I can really relate

to that feeling of enmeshment and have also found it so hard to set my

boundaries or even be able to articulate exactly what they are. It sounds like

you are very clear about what yours are though and I think that's a great place

to work from. I have spent the last 15 years since leaving home feeling

completely responsible for her well-being. Every time a blow up happened, which

was nearly every visit I had with her, I would ultimately come back to the fact

that she is alone, has had a tough life, has worked so hard for me etc, etc. It

is so hard when they seem so vulnerable all the time and just as you described

have this endless need that we can't fulfil.

I would accept her skewed recounts of events, partly because I craved my

" loving " mum back and partly because I doubted my own perceptions a lot because

I couldn't reconcile her recollections with my own. She always has an innocent

motive for her behaviour and it's almost always due her advocating for someone,

something or of course herself.

Yesterday morning, for example, she rocked up on my door step all frail, with

sun glasses on to cover her puffy, swollen eyes. She was returning blankets she

had taken from my daughter's pram on the verandah the night before when she

pounded on my door after I asked her to stop contacting me. Her excuse was that

she just needed love. She took the blankets because she needed love and they

were just something for her to hold onto (my cold, steely eyes inspired this

great need for love!). Are you kidding me!!!

Well, I lost my cool here. I've been really trying to stay calm and to my point,

but I just couldn't come at that! I told her it wasn't true and that she took

them because she was angry with me. That " accusation " hurt her deeply of course.

Tara, I could also very much relate to what you said about finally reaching that

place of really seeing all of the behaviour as manipulation and control and no

longer seeking her approval. That has happened to me really recently and has

helped me find a new strength in my dealings with her. Congratulations on

finding your strength and taking control of your relationship. That's no easy

task! That's where I feel like I'm moving closer to being now. I even surprised

myself yesterday and called her to directly address some of her behaviour. I

would never have done this before out of fear of hurting and upsetting her. I

always thought that she couldn't help it and wanted to win the nice mum back.

I too feel as though I haven't much to lose as that need for her approval has

disappeared, which is also very recent feeling. I just feel so controlled by her

and I can no longer stand it. I wonder if this new outlook is in part due to

being a new mum? Tara, I can really relate to that feeling of protecting

children from this behaviour. Oh and congratulations. Four children. Wow. That

must keep you on your toes!

Also, I finally don't feel responsible for her, which ultimately has had a

massive impact on the way I am dealing with her now. I would normally have caved

and called her to make sure she is ok. It has probably really thrown her that I

haven't done it that time, thus all the comments about how I have changed and my

steely eyes. I have come to a deep understanding that she still has the same

problems regardless of whether I am in her life or not. That she will carry on

more or less the same as before. A good part part of her life is spent putting a

framework on her conflicts with others, so I guess she'll just carry on as she

always does. That doesn't mean that I don't feel sad and wish things were

different. I guess I am just really facing up to the reality of my situation.

Well, I am so thankful again for all of your insights and thank you for being

there. It is so comforting and reassuring to know that your support is there.

Sorry again for such a long response. There is just always too much to say!

Well, much peace and blessings to you all.

With warmth,

Lynda

> >

> > I just feel so stuck. I'm utterly exhausted and each day I am actively

trying to take steps to not sink into depression.

> > I'll try and summarise recent events as much as I can. Here goes:

> > I have written a few posts about how I have been trying to drastically

change my relationship with my mother since she raged at me through repeated

phone calls and sms's about a month ago, more or less because I was on my way

out when she popped in to ask for help putting petrol in her car cause it freaks

her out.

> > Since then, I've been trying to set new boundaries, attempted L.C, even

wrote to her to say that I loved her very much, but couldn't see her again until

she got help with her anger.

> > Needless to say the last month has been really challenging. I have felt

really stuck and have been fumbling my way through setting new boundaries and

never knowing what to expect from her. Her contact with me ranges from

completely casual " How are you " " Can you mind my dog? " type of messages to angry

" I don't want you there when I die " " I'm not to blame for the cold, steely look

in your eyes " type of ones.

> > The last week, I didn't respond to two of her messages. The first one was a

very random, obscure message that I just didn't get and the next was an I miss

you. I didn't reply simply because I didn't know what to say to her!!! Anything

I do say gets completely twisted around. If I don't contact her she gets angry.

If I try and see her just once a week for a cuppa, she senses me pulling away

and gets even angrier, if I ask her to stop contacting me in the nicest way I

can, she just won't!!

> > I guess it all comes down to control. I'm no longer letting her call the

shots and out her twisted spin on things and she can't bear the loss of power

over me.

> > Anyway, then she phoned to ask how my dad is. He has been fighting cancer

for over a year. I didn't grow up with my dad. He left mum when she was pregnant

(he was only 17) and started a new family in a different state soon after. She

calls him a few times a year to yell at him and his wife for not doing more for

me. She hasn't been with him for 33 years!!!!!

> > I guess she figured inquiring about his health was a way to get to me.

> > All day yesterday she messaged me over and over about how much she loves me-

that is her right. She said over and over again that she loved my dad and that

she is allowed to. That her and dad's relationship was the reason for me and my

daughter and how beautiful we are and how lucky he is to have me and my daughter

in his life. There were about 10 messages along these lines.

> > I didn't get them for a few hours as my phone has been playing up.

> > Amidst all the professed love for me and my dad, she asked me if I could

mind her dog Jack. Then I guess because I hadn't answered, she eventually said

" it's ok, you can't have Jack " . Followed by a " nice " lovey one again and then

" Your answering machine message is stupid. I hope your work or your daughters

friends don't phone. (My daughter is 6 months old!)

> > I messaged her and said that I didn't know what to say to her. That one

minute she sends me messages to say how much she loves me and the next to attack

me and elements of my life and that I never knew what to expect from her. That I

loved her, but was still feeling hurt by some of her recent words and actions

and could she stop contacting me.

> > Well, this was like waving a red flag at a bull. I know that this would have

been hurtful to anyone, but I know that it would be especially difficult for her

to handle.

> > She said she wouldn't accept my request until I said it to her face to face.

I told her that I didn't want to talk to her.

> > She was at my house within 10 minutes pounding on my door. Everything in me

wanted to run a way, but I answered.

> > It was awful. She is the waif as I have heard someone recently so well

describe it- skinny, hunched over, wide, teary wounded eyes. It was dark and

cold outside. Through he screen door she asked me if this was her last breath

right here and now would I be saying goodbye. " Is this it? " she kept asking. I

tried to stick to my request and not get swept into her drama. I kept repeating

my line over and over- " I am feeling hurt and need you to stop contacting me " .

She waved her finger at me and demanded to know the answer to her question. If

this was her last breath standing here now, would I be saying goodbye? "

> > I kept repeating my line until she finally left, calling out behind her that

she loved me.

> > Text messages followed. If my nana was alive she wouldn't believe what has

happened to me. She is not to blame for my steely eyes. That she saw me in a

shop a few weeks ago and saw something in me she had never seen before.(perhaps

exhaustion from nursing a 6 month old baby and having to deal with a crazy

mum!!??). That isn't her fault either.

> > This morning it has continued. Now it is excuse after excuse. I said that

because.... I did that because.... The overarching excuse is her need for love.

She keeps saying that over and over that she just needs love.

> > I know that to be true. But I also know that no amount of " being there for

her " or displays of my love can fix her.

> > I feel I have tried everything including asking her to leave me alone. That

has been such a hard thing to do and I have been grappling with all of the guilt

etc that comes with that, though feeling surprisingly justified for the first

time ever.

> > I can't help but think that I could have handled things better and that I

should have known she would react so extremely when I asked her to not contact

me. But then it doesn't matter what I do. If I don't respond to her then she

fights with herself! She just won't leave me alone!

> >

> > I am so sorry for another long post. I just don't know what to do!

> >

> > Feeling sad, stuck and spent today.

> > Lynda

> >

>