Re: Final letter when going NC?

[Guest guest]

Whoa... nasty typos... sorry:

See... i don't think I had a lot of the " strings attached " ... my Nada isolated

herself from ALL of her family... I was the last to leave her. She got back in

touch with her mother and father, but her father is mentaly ill, and her mother

has seen how " crazy " she is. ***Her mother (my grandma) contacted me and we've

been cultivating our

relationship in order to cope with the effect nada has had on ***us. I didn't

have a family when I went NC, ***so I didn't have to worry about her contacting

them about me... ***Plus, I got back in touch with family

afterwards and got lucky*** since they already knew about her and brought up how

nuts my mother was FIRST (my grandma started one of our calls with, " I've been

waiting for you to be old enough to hear it, and I didn't think you'd be able to

with Nada " ).

I don't know if I'd have had the courage to go NC or write a letter if I had to

worry about ***her using other people ***to smear or get back at me. I guess the

point of all of these posts is that

everyone is different, so it's really important to do a self-checkin and review

your situation and options =)

-Frances

> >

> > thats just what my nada would have done too...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I think those of you who do send the letters are very brave. My mother would

> > have used all knds of things against me had I done it...victimizing herself,

> > lying about it, using other family members to side with her and on and on.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Whoa... nasty typos... sorry:

See... i don't think I had a lot of the " strings attached " ... my Nada isolated

herself from ALL of her family... I was the last to leave her. She got back in

touch with her mother and father, but her father is mentaly ill, and her mother

has seen how " crazy " she is. ***Her mother (my grandma) contacted me and we've

been cultivating our

relationship in order to cope with the effect nada has had on ***us. I didn't

have a family when I went NC, ***so I didn't have to worry about her contacting

them about me... ***Plus, I got back in touch with family

afterwards and got lucky*** since they already knew about her and brought up how

nuts my mother was FIRST (my grandma started one of our calls with, " I've been

waiting for you to be old enough to hear it, and I didn't think you'd be able to

with Nada " ).

I don't know if I'd have had the courage to go NC or write a letter if I had to

worry about ***her using other people ***to smear or get back at me. I guess the

point of all of these posts is that

everyone is different, so it's really important to do a self-checkin and review

your situation and options =)

-Frances

> >

> > thats just what my nada would have done too...

> >

> > Jackie

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > I think those of you who do send the letters are very brave. My mother would

> > have used all knds of things against me had I done it...victimizing herself,

> > lying about it, using other family members to side with her and on and on.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

----------------------------------

Hi,

You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not want

any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

----------------------------------

Too harsh? any suggestions?

[Guest guest]

Oooh . . , I think that's brilliant.

I agree with the previous post: It is all dependent on your situation and your

goals and your needs. This is a very personal decision.

Good work!! Prepare for the wonderful waves of relief and freedom . . .

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> ----------------------------------

> Hi,

> You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not want

any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

>

> I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

>

> If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

> ----------------------------------

> Too harsh? any suggestions?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Most important thing: how do you feel about it? do YOU think it's too harsh? is

it something you will feel worse about later? MY personal opinion is that your

parents sound scary enough to warrant quite a bit of harshness... given their

viscous attempts at contact, I think the restraining order warning is perfectly

warranted. Reading through, you seem to address all their possible concerns

(property, safety, etc) without giving too many details for them to hook onto!

So now, what's left is figuring out what happens AFTER the letter... if they

have your email address, you might want to put their email on spam list, or make

a separate folder for all their emails and move any new stuff into it before

reading—BPDs are notorious for ignoring boundaries/wishes. Also, you! Have you

thought about how it might feel after sending the letter?

For me, sending the letter was the. last. step. So when it was done, I finally

felt free of her, but I also felt strangely alone (then I found family and got

back in touch with friends and such). I was also UBER-sensitive to her. I had SO

many flashbacks that they actually interrupted my ability to function properly

because apparently I was traumatized. Anything that reminded me of Nada, good or

bad, stung. But things got better. I finally felt safe enough to accept that

things she did were NOT ok, and the mourning process began. Mourning can be

transformative though... I can enjoy the good memories and remember the bad (and

tilt my head at the ones in between).

What Im getting at is, *I* think your letter is appropriate, but what matters is

how *you* feel about it... you don't want to add guilt (however unwarranted the

guilt is). Also, prepare for after the letter. Make sure you have community and

connections. Make sure you give yourself time to recuperate. Seriously, it can

feel like the first time you've ever really had a chance to put yourself first

which is simultaneously wonderful and terrifying (overwhelming?).

Best of luck,

Frances

>

> Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> ----------------------------------

> Hi,

> You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not want

any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

>

> I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

>

> If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

> ----------------------------------

> Too harsh? any suggestions?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- nice letter! Short, sweet, non-combative, and to the point. The only

other thing I can think of, is maybe sending a copy to the lawyers who are

helping you with your name change and disappearance, so they'll have this info

on file, should you have to follow through with your restraining order. If

there are other people your parents (and nosy brother) will recruit to track you

down, you might consider telling them as well (but not about your real

location), so when the family " sounds the alarm " that you've disappeared, they

won't be able to raise an army of concerned friends and relatives (and flying

monkeys). Your lawyers may want to weigh in on this as well - I can't think of

what the unintended consequences would be, but they may have different advice.

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your input! I realize one point of contact won't be enough

for a restraining order but nada won't know that. That's a good idea to send the

letter certified, I want to send it from Paris so I'll see if that's an option.

Also, it's a good idea to say what I'll do if she tries to contact me, but I'm

changing my name, phone number, email, and actual address so I don't know how

useful that will be. Thanks everyone!!

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> ----------------------------------

> Hi,

> You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not want

any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

>

> I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

>

> If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

> ----------------------------------

> Too harsh? any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I definitely want this NC to be a permanent decision/solution, but I added a

line in the letter to encourage nada to get help for my brother's sake. Tell me

what you think:

----------------------------

Hi,

You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I never want any

contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages, and no in-person visits.

I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment.

If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

Our relationship is irreparable, but if you want (Brother) to have a successful

independent life, mom needs to get mental health help for borderline personality

disorder.

-----------------------

Is it a lost cause including the last part?

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> ----------------------------------

> Hi,

> You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not want

any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

>

> I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

>

> If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

> ----------------------------------

> Too harsh? any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I definitely want this NC to be a permanent decision/solution, but I added a

line in the letter to encourage nada to get help for my brother's sake. Tell me

what you think:

----------------------------

Hi,

You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I never want any

contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages, and no in-person visits.

I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment.

If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

Our relationship is irreparable, but if you want (Brother) to have a successful

independent life, mom needs to get mental health help for borderline personality

disorder.

-----------------------

Is it a lost cause including the last part?

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> ----------------------------------

> Hi,

> You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not want

any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

>

> I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

>

> If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

> ----------------------------------

> Too harsh? any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I definitely want this NC to be a permanent decision/solution, but I added a

line in the letter to encourage nada to get help for my brother's sake. Tell me

what you think:

----------------------------

Hi,

You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I never want any

contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages, and no in-person visits.

I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment.

If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

Our relationship is irreparable, but if you want (Brother) to have a successful

independent life, mom needs to get mental health help for borderline personality

disorder.

-----------------------

Is it a lost cause including the last part?

>

>

>

> Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

>

>

>  

>

>

>

> Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> ----------------------------------

> Hi,

> You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not want

any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

>

> I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

>

> If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to serve

you with a restraining order.

> ----------------------------------

> Too harsh? any suggestions?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- Yeah, it's probably a lost cause, but you're sending the letter for

YOUR sake, right? Not for theirs. If they could see the damage they're doing,

or stop being so invasive and crazy, they'd have done it by now. And if your

brother is 30 and still acting like he's 5, nothing you say is going to make him

grow up, grow a spine, and stop echoing everything your parents say. I hope the

three of them will be very happy together, and that you'll be very happy in your

new life without them.

> >

> >

> > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > ----------------------------------

> > Hi,

> > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> >

> > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> >

> > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > ----------------------------------

> > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

- Yeah, it's probably a lost cause, but you're sending the letter for

YOUR sake, right? Not for theirs. If they could see the damage they're doing,

or stop being so invasive and crazy, they'd have done it by now. And if your

brother is 30 and still acting like he's 5, nothing you say is going to make him

grow up, grow a spine, and stop echoing everything your parents say. I hope the

three of them will be very happy together, and that you'll be very happy in your

new life without them.

> >

> >

> > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > ----------------------------------

> > Hi,

> > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> >

> > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> >

> > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > ----------------------------------

> > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

- Yeah, it's probably a lost cause, but you're sending the letter for

YOUR sake, right? Not for theirs. If they could see the damage they're doing,

or stop being so invasive and crazy, they'd have done it by now. And if your

brother is 30 and still acting like he's 5, nothing you say is going to make him

grow up, grow a spine, and stop echoing everything your parents say. I hope the

three of them will be very happy together, and that you'll be very happy in your

new life without them.

> >

> >

> > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > ----------------------------------

> > Hi,

> > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> >

> > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> >

> > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > ----------------------------------

> > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

BPs are known for not taking " accusations " well... if everything is B & W, your

nada might not handle being told she needs help very well (because who wants to

be all black). That could be a little too provoking, but it's YOUR letter. If

you feel like you will be safe and it's something you want to end with (have the

last word, drop the bomb, etc), and if you think it'll give you closure, I say

go for it. I'm hesitant to say that, but this letter is about YOU, and if that's

what you need to say, then you NEED to say it. Just be careful

-Frances

> >

> >

> > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > ----------------------------------

> > Hi,

> > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> >

> > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> >

> > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > ----------------------------------

> > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

BPs are known for not taking " accusations " well... if everything is B & W, your

nada might not handle being told she needs help very well (because who wants to

be all black). That could be a little too provoking, but it's YOUR letter. If

you feel like you will be safe and it's something you want to end with (have the

last word, drop the bomb, etc), and if you think it'll give you closure, I say

go for it. I'm hesitant to say that, but this letter is about YOU, and if that's

what you need to say, then you NEED to say it. Just be careful

-Frances

> >

> >

> > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> >

> >

> >  

> >

> >

> >

> > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief letter

from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > ----------------------------------

> > Hi,

> > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> >

> > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> >

> > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > ----------------------------------

> > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Saw posts and must congratulate you! I am NC now for 2nd and last time and

getting my mojo back through (more) therapy and time. I wrote an email to my

whole FOO to establish reasons for NC and to tell my sibs my side of latest Nada

issue that caused it, because I knew they would never hear it if I did not do it

then.

It is hard to do! I, too, had to write some practice letters and took out my

angry passages, but I was happy I was able to be clear and keep to my guns. FYI

- I never heard anything back, but figured as much.

I am now dealing more with the feelings I have toward and about my sibs than my

Nada, which I hear often happens. But i know they have their own relationships

with her and will continue to placate her. (Ugh.)

Hang in there as this settles out - you WILL feel peace!

I know from the blessed 2 years of NC I had before my Nada showed up on my

doorstep begging to " do anything to make it better " (and then, of course, would

not do the one thing that I asked: discuss our relationship in a therapists

office..), that as you have more time and space away you will have peace in a

way your other sibs/family members do not.

Your anxiety will mellow and pass, so hang in there! It is worth it.

best to you!

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Saw posts and must congratulate you! I am NC now for 2nd and last time and

getting my mojo back through (more) therapy and time. I wrote an email to my

whole FOO to establish reasons for NC and to tell my sibs my side of latest Nada

issue that caused it, because I knew they would never hear it if I did not do it

then.

It is hard to do! I, too, had to write some practice letters and took out my

angry passages, but I was happy I was able to be clear and keep to my guns. FYI

- I never heard anything back, but figured as much.

I am now dealing more with the feelings I have toward and about my sibs than my

Nada, which I hear often happens. But i know they have their own relationships

with her and will continue to placate her. (Ugh.)

Hang in there as this settles out - you WILL feel peace!

I know from the blessed 2 years of NC I had before my Nada showed up on my

doorstep begging to " do anything to make it better " (and then, of course, would

not do the one thing that I asked: discuss our relationship in a therapists

office..), that as you have more time and space away you will have peace in a

way your other sibs/family members do not.

Your anxiety will mellow and pass, so hang in there! It is worth it.

best to you!

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Saw posts and must congratulate you! I am NC now for 2nd and last time and

getting my mojo back through (more) therapy and time. I wrote an email to my

whole FOO to establish reasons for NC and to tell my sibs my side of latest Nada

issue that caused it, because I knew they would never hear it if I did not do it

then.

It is hard to do! I, too, had to write some practice letters and took out my

angry passages, but I was happy I was able to be clear and keep to my guns. FYI

- I never heard anything back, but figured as much.

I am now dealing more with the feelings I have toward and about my sibs than my

Nada, which I hear often happens. But i know they have their own relationships

with her and will continue to placate her. (Ugh.)

Hang in there as this settles out - you WILL feel peace!

I know from the blessed 2 years of NC I had before my Nada showed up on my

doorstep begging to " do anything to make it better " (and then, of course, would

not do the one thing that I asked: discuss our relationship in a therapists

office..), that as you have more time and space away you will have peace in a

way your other sibs/family members do not.

Your anxiety will mellow and pass, so hang in there! It is worth it.

best to you!

>

> For those of you who have gone NC, did you send nada a letter? Do you think it

was helpful/hurtful? It sounds like most people didn't, for those of you who

didn't, do you wish you had?

>

> As you probably know from my other lengthy posts I am planning for NC and

couldn't be more excited!! (and stressed, tired, guilty, anxious, of course). At

first I wasn't planning on sending nada a letter- I have had to cut out BPD

friends in the past and they're such crazy loons I don't want any contact no

matter how hurtful it may be to them.

>

> I'm trying to apply this same logic to nada, but here is my main reason for

sending a letter: I'm hoping it will let nada know I'm safe so she doesn't worry

about me and doesn't try to find me. I know that is completely delusional and

first, she doesn't contact me because she's actually worried about me, and

second, of course she's going to try to find me.

>

> I probably have already answered my question in my ramblings but I'm still

curious about everyone's experiences!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your input! I'm still discussing " the letter " with my

therapist so I haven't made much of a decision on it. If I think about what I

*really* want, it's to not send a letter. Several of my college friends who know

my nada, though, are very nervous about that considering how much she freaks

out.

If I do send a letter, the main things *I* want to get across are to tell nada I

don't want communication...and that's about it. I agree with a lot of you who

said nada will just use this letter to attack me so I don't want to even

introduce feelings...because obviously she doesn't care. Thanks for all of your

input, I'll keep you posted!

> > >

> > >

> > > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >  

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief

letter from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > > ----------------------------------

> > > Hi,

> > > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> > >

> > > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> > >

> > > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > > ----------------------------------

> > > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your input! I'm still discussing " the letter " with my

therapist so I haven't made much of a decision on it. If I think about what I

*really* want, it's to not send a letter. Several of my college friends who know

my nada, though, are very nervous about that considering how much she freaks

out.

If I do send a letter, the main things *I* want to get across are to tell nada I

don't want communication...and that's about it. I agree with a lot of you who

said nada will just use this letter to attack me so I don't want to even

introduce feelings...because obviously she doesn't care. Thanks for all of your

input, I'll keep you posted!

> > >

> > >

> > > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >  

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief

letter from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > > ----------------------------------

> > > Hi,

> > > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> > >

> > > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> > >

> > > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > > ----------------------------------

> > > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your input! I'm still discussing " the letter " with my

therapist so I haven't made much of a decision on it. If I think about what I

*really* want, it's to not send a letter. Several of my college friends who know

my nada, though, are very nervous about that considering how much she freaks

out.

If I do send a letter, the main things *I* want to get across are to tell nada I

don't want communication...and that's about it. I agree with a lot of you who

said nada will just use this letter to attack me so I don't want to even

introduce feelings...because obviously she doesn't care. Thanks for all of your

input, I'll keep you posted!

> > >

> > >

> > > From: cocochanel1005 <cocochanel1005@>

> > > Subject: Re: Final letter when going NC?

> > > To: WTOAdultChildren1

> > > Date: Wednesday, July 21, 2010, 10:40 PM

> > >

> > >

> > >  

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Thank you everyone for your responses. I have decided to send a brief

letter from Europe so that nada and fada think I moved there (it's actually very

believable). I want to send it to do my part and since I won't include a return

address, and I'll be changing all of my contact info, they won't even have a

chance to respond. Here is a rough draft, it sounds harsh but this is honestly

what I want to say:

> > > ----------------------------------

> > > Hi,

> > > You don't need to worry about me. I'm healthy, happy, and safe. I do not

want any contact: no phone calls, emails, or text messages.

> > >

> > > I have waived my rights to the condo and you will find the papers and the

original deed in the apartment. [my nada and I co-own a condo so I don't want to

give them a reason to look for me]

> > >

> > > If you contact me even once, that will be sufficient evidence for me to

serve you with a restraining order.

> > > ----------------------------------

> > > Too harsh? any suggestions?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jeannie . I really hope you're right! I have noticed I've been a lot

more angry with my fada than nada recently because I'm becoming more and more

aware of what he's been complicit in. If that continues I'm fine with it- it's

the nada showing up sobbing at my doorstep that terrifies me. And...I'm pretty

sure it will happen. I'm *hoping* fada will be so angry he won't let her do

that, which is very very possible. Sigh. Thanks for your post, I appreciate your

optimism!

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jeannie . I really hope you're right! I have noticed I've been a lot

more angry with my fada than nada recently because I'm becoming more and more

aware of what he's been complicit in. If that continues I'm fine with it- it's

the nada showing up sobbing at my doorstep that terrifies me. And...I'm pretty

sure it will happen. I'm *hoping* fada will be so angry he won't let her do

that, which is very very possible. Sigh. Thanks for your post, I appreciate your

optimism!

[Guest guest]

Thanks Jeannie . I really hope you're right! I have noticed I've been a lot

more angry with my fada than nada recently because I'm becoming more and more

aware of what he's been complicit in. If that continues I'm fine with it- it's

the nada showing up sobbing at my doorstep that terrifies me. And...I'm pretty

sure it will happen. I'm *hoping* fada will be so angry he won't let her do

that, which is very very possible. Sigh. Thanks for your post, I appreciate your

optimism!