Some strange NY spell

[Guest guest]

I think I have some bad spell on me who activates itself on New year

days.....Has nothing to do with nada ( I don't spent NY or Christmas with her

after I leave my primar home) but it allways happend something bad , strange,

crazy...thing around this days, doesn't matter how much I tried not to.

This year I already have nada in hospital and stupid doctors on my head and I

(wrongly) thought that at least I'll spent some nice, worm and quiet days with

my BF. A day before NY we split.

We were together for almost 4 years and we really had some nice time together,

we help and support each other, resolving our past and were growing together (he

has crazy mother and probably BPD ex. ) But there is obviously always this BUT

thing....

Shortly after I met him he had a huge collapse because of all his past and he

found out his mother was not a saint and poor lady because her mental illness -

the reality was that she abuse him very much when he was little, that his ex is

not his soul mate but manipulative and egoistic bastard and probably has BPD.

At that time we were only friends and I help him a lot ( and he help me a lot in

other things) and our relations had become deeper and deeper and very loving,

understanding, supporting...kind of one I always wanted to have it. But every

few and so months his still unresolved problems hit him...he started to doubt in

himself, his perceptions, our relation.....he started to withdraw even he didn't

know way at the beginning until I felt that sometihing is wrong and get restless

and explode and put our problem openly on the table. It was always too much for

him and choose to go away that he needs to be alone, that he didn't have energy

to deal with us too .....I was hurt and angry but I somehow understand because I

know what is bodering him and in what kind of process he was and after he found

what it is by himself he came back. He did a lot of work on himself, he change

and healed some of his parts.

I understand if this would happened once or even more time but when that became

a system- always repeating circle - this is red alert for me. I don't like to

be part of it. Specially because whenever he has a problem he completely cut mu

off ( where is a basic trust or compassion for me? do I always have to be the

one who understands? Does we really have such a nice conection if he allways

choose himself and his problems and me and mine are not importnat for him enough

for him to consider twice - specialy if that is not the first time and he should

learn a bit from the last time ) I'm deeply sorry to hurt you , but I don't have

enuough energy for you he allways said

Momentarily he is completely overworked ( low energy and stress) + I have nada

in hospital ( his already death nada was in in and out of the mental hospital

all his life , and with me talking about my nada some old memories who are very

heavy raising up in him and that is probably the main reason he started to

unconsciously withdrawal again)

We have a " talk " about that a month ago -and than he calm down and realised

what is happening and that among other his unresolved problems with his nada are

the biggest problem. But he doesn't want to face it really ( not enough tiime,

not enough energy , too afraid that he would collapse again ) so depression hits

him and I become too big burden for him. And a day before a NY eve he told me

he doesn't want to spent NY eve with me because he is totally confused again

what is right , what not, what to do or not......he needs some time for herself

and he can not be fully in relation so he will consider what to do - to stay

togheter or not. This is 5 time this happened. And this time I had enoug. I told

him if we would not be in his ( and mine) heavy moments together than it is no

use to be together like a couple ( or even like a friends) He has to decided to

face that problem and come for NY eve or I'll end this relation imieadetlly by

myself because some things are repeating and he has no real intention to do

something with that. He decided not to come - I ended relation.

So last few days were for me like to be in one-man-band-workshop ( nada,

hospital doctor, BF) Thanks good for all the technigues I know so I can go

trough all this shit more easily and conscious. One ( together with deep

breathing and mediating ...... and looooooooong talks with my friends) was

specialy effective. For example - when I was going to the sad mood-we had such a

beautiful time togeter. so much love, tenderness , understanding....smrc.....I

deliberately put myself on the other side of the same story - is this really

thrue? we were happy just because I can understand evereything and I put myself

on side? Or we were happy just in times when he repressed all his problems.....?

Or if I was angry like shit - how could he be so egoistic. bastard? Whenever I

had a problem he found out he has not enough enery..Grrr...I again put myself

deliberately on the other part of the same scale - he realy helped me so much

with some other things, he was so supprotive when he was ok....and so on. It

helps me to be in the middle and to see things more real than I see them when

I'm in such extreme emotions.

But anyway - NY sucks!!!!!!

Yenaine