Re: do nice moms trigger you?

[Guest guest]

I hear ya..completely! I get envious of women who get excited to see there mom.

" oh my mom is coming to visit I miss her so much can't wait to see her " I

wonder what that feels like? Or even on TV when I see girls turning to there

mom for support.

I told a fairly new friend of mine (my gym buddie) My mother is driving m e

crazy today. And she said Oh you don't know how much you'll miss that when

she's gone...she says:.I wish I had a mother. I told her she can have mine she

said sure...She didn't get it and I felt a bit angry...maybe envious that she

loved her mother.

When I was in my 20 I got sick and was hospitalize too. I had a fever of

106!..they didn't know what was wrong with me I was in the hospital for 10

days..It sucked!. My mother stood right beside me the whole time...driving me

crazy telling me all the crazy thoughts that went thru her head. All the things

I needed to do for her when I get out. All the bad things she has lived thru in

her life..She sat beside me in bed chewing some crunchy stuff all day. Daddy

would drop her off in the morning before he went to work and pick her up when he

got out..They has a baby sitter a therapist. And she got to look like the

concerned mother. I cried so much mom please don't come I'm so tired I wanna

sleep...she just kept talking and talking about Crazy people and how they

treated her...

When I had a baby..I made arrangement with the hospital the Dr and everyone to

PLEASE only allow her entry after the baby is born show she could visit.

Stefanie

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It is really comforting to see that I am not alone in this type of thinking...

It has always been difficult for me when I get close to a woman who is

empathetic and loving... It is so sad when it hits me that a woman I meet

possesses what I needed and never had. I look at them and just have complete

love and respect for them. I just try to remember that I was given these life

circumstances for a reason and that I do have a purpose that will be greater

than the hurt I have been through.

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It is really comforting to see that I am not alone in this type of thinking...

It has always been difficult for me when I get close to a woman who is

empathetic and loving... It is so sad when it hits me that a woman I meet

possesses what I needed and never had. I look at them and just have complete

love and respect for them. I just try to remember that I was given these life

circumstances for a reason and that I do have a purpose that will be greater

than the hurt I have been through.

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

YES!!! Especially when it's my therapist talking about her daughter. I hate

it...really. I don't want to come across as some needy weirdo, but I have this

insatiable need for a mother to love me. I can totally understand how you

feel.

do nice moms trigger you?

My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

for 4 years.

So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

is in her early 20s.

Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

Thoughts?

xoxo, GS

[Guest guest]

When my therapist tells me about an emotional moment her daughter has, and how

she helps her daughter deal with her feelings.

When I see a parent be genuinely happy for their child's success.

When I see a baby cry and she is comforted by a concerned, calming parent.

All of these things bring me to tears.

Deanna

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

When my therapist tells me about an emotional moment her daughter has, and how

she helps her daughter deal with her feelings.

When I see a parent be genuinely happy for their child's success.

When I see a baby cry and she is comforted by a concerned, calming parent.

All of these things bring me to tears.

Deanna

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

How can you NOT be triggered?

Nothing highlights the " badness " of our own moms like the " goodness " of a

loving, caring mom. A mom who actually has the capacity to care, sacrifice, and

grieve when her daughter goes away. (Grieve, mind you, not trigger and attack

her daugther and try to destroy her daughter for abandoning her).

I also understand those thoughts against the daughter. It really isn't about

condemning " cared for " kids as much as it is repeating what I had to tell myself

to survive. " You're not that bad off. You can hanlde it. Don't be such a

baby. You're 6, so you can handle walking to the ER on a broken leg. " Any of

those sound familiar?

That was the only way to deal--tell myself I was being weak, tell myself I

wasn't hurt THAT bad, tell myself to stop blubbering and get on with it. What

was I supposed to do? Actually mull over the fact that I was neglected and had

to take care of myself, no matter how sick or hurt???

I guess nothing brings the neglect to light like seeing plain, simple good

mothering.

Sorry you've had to deal with all of this--hope it gets easier.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

How can you NOT be triggered?

Nothing highlights the " badness " of our own moms like the " goodness " of a

loving, caring mom. A mom who actually has the capacity to care, sacrifice, and

grieve when her daughter goes away. (Grieve, mind you, not trigger and attack

her daugther and try to destroy her daughter for abandoning her).

I also understand those thoughts against the daughter. It really isn't about

condemning " cared for " kids as much as it is repeating what I had to tell myself

to survive. " You're not that bad off. You can hanlde it. Don't be such a

baby. You're 6, so you can handle walking to the ER on a broken leg. " Any of

those sound familiar?

That was the only way to deal--tell myself I was being weak, tell myself I

wasn't hurt THAT bad, tell myself to stop blubbering and get on with it. What

was I supposed to do? Actually mull over the fact that I was neglected and had

to take care of myself, no matter how sick or hurt???

I guess nothing brings the neglect to light like seeing plain, simple good

mothering.

Sorry you've had to deal with all of this--hope it gets easier.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

How can you NOT be triggered?

Nothing highlights the " badness " of our own moms like the " goodness " of a

loving, caring mom. A mom who actually has the capacity to care, sacrifice, and

grieve when her daughter goes away. (Grieve, mind you, not trigger and attack

her daugther and try to destroy her daughter for abandoning her).

I also understand those thoughts against the daughter. It really isn't about

condemning " cared for " kids as much as it is repeating what I had to tell myself

to survive. " You're not that bad off. You can hanlde it. Don't be such a

baby. You're 6, so you can handle walking to the ER on a broken leg. " Any of

those sound familiar?

That was the only way to deal--tell myself I was being weak, tell myself I

wasn't hurt THAT bad, tell myself to stop blubbering and get on with it. What

was I supposed to do? Actually mull over the fact that I was neglected and had

to take care of myself, no matter how sick or hurt???

I guess nothing brings the neglect to light like seeing plain, simple good

mothering.

Sorry you've had to deal with all of this--hope it gets easier.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It's true - people don't understand why we aren't all warm and fuzzy about our

nadas. Why we aren't excited about having them around. I get sick to my stomach

when I hear people talk about how precious their mom is to them. I don't know if

it's a jealousy thing or just the idea that I " should " feel that way towards my

own parent. Ick.

I try to smile, say something nice and just realize they'll never know what it's

like to have a parent like ours. It's a different world.

I try to be a real Mom to my own kids. I know I made mistakes while they were

growing up, some residual garbage from my own childhood. But I guess my kids

still love me in spite of it because they actually want to spend time with me.

My daughter calls and wants me to go shopping with her, she came over this week

to bake cookies with me. Can you imagine doing that with your own nada? Oh the

complaints we would hear. LOL So I feel thankful that I escaped the jaws of BP

and my kids are free from that type of miserable childhood.

>

> Me too. I went through a period where this bothered me soooo much. Lately,

I've just tried to rechannel that energy into my own kids as much as I can and

think about how my relationship with them is so different than mine was with my

mother. It's actually <gasp> dare I say....NORMAL.

[Guest guest]

As triggering as I find them, they also offer validation: no matter what Nada

says, she *wasn't* a perfect mother, not even close... these women prove it!

They also prove that it IS possible to have a healthy parent-child relationship

(not perfect, but NOT abusive), which I find reassuring since I *really* want to

create a family.

Positive re-framing! CBT! Good stuff... does anyone remember this board around

Mother's Day? *sigh*

GS: realizing that you never really had a chance to be mothered or be a kid is

painful, and it's important to let yourself grieve rather than bottle it up. Are

you seeing a therapist? They might be able to help. And you can ALWAYS post on

this board. You're not alone! So many of us are in the grieving process.

*hugs*

Frances

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

As triggering as I find them, they also offer validation: no matter what Nada

says, she *wasn't* a perfect mother, not even close... these women prove it!

They also prove that it IS possible to have a healthy parent-child relationship

(not perfect, but NOT abusive), which I find reassuring since I *really* want to

create a family.

Positive re-framing! CBT! Good stuff... does anyone remember this board around

Mother's Day? *sigh*

GS: realizing that you never really had a chance to be mothered or be a kid is

painful, and it's important to let yourself grieve rather than bottle it up. Are

you seeing a therapist? They might be able to help. And you can ALWAYS post on

this board. You're not alone! So many of us are in the grieving process.

*hugs*

Frances

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

As triggering as I find them, they also offer validation: no matter what Nada

says, she *wasn't* a perfect mother, not even close... these women prove it!

They also prove that it IS possible to have a healthy parent-child relationship

(not perfect, but NOT abusive), which I find reassuring since I *really* want to

create a family.

Positive re-framing! CBT! Good stuff... does anyone remember this board around

Mother's Day? *sigh*

GS: realizing that you never really had a chance to be mothered or be a kid is

painful, and it's important to let yourself grieve rather than bottle it up. Are

you seeing a therapist? They might be able to help. And you can ALWAYS post on

this board. You're not alone! So many of us are in the grieving process.

*hugs*

Frances

>

> My boss is a very nice woman. Perhaps in some ways she is a substitute

> mother for me. She's about my nada's age, but she straightens my skirt,

> takes an interest in my personal projects, we laugh together at jokes, play

> gentle tricks on each other and celebrate each other's birthdays. That kind

> of thing. We've known each other for years, but worked together very closely

> for 4 years.

>

> So her daughter just finished college. She is emotionally a bit fragile,

> probably depressed, anxious, probably needs some good meds and maybe a good

> doctor or therapist. And of course she resists treatment wanting to go the

> natual route. The daughter moved home with her parents about 2 weeks ago.

> And then yesterday she was not feeling well so my boss ran out of the office

> to go to her daughter and take her to the hospital and get everything

> checked out. Then she took the next day off to spend with her daughter - who

> is in her early 20s.

>

> Would this trigger anyone else? I am oscillating between feelings of

> jealousy (I spent some time in the hospital at that age due to surgeries,

> severe migraines etc, and I always made sure Nada didn't know about it until

> I was fully recovered, and of course she still lashed out at me every single

> time) and then other times I think her daughter is a wimp for needing her

> mom at her age (which I think is a fada thing, according to my dad, we were

> all wimps and needed to learn to be independent- and I was by the time I was

> about 7, taking care of everyone else by 10 or 12).

>

> And the whole thing just triggers me. Plus I'm already triggering still

> because of my stalking situation last week.Ahhh brain - stop!

>

> Thoughts?

>

> xoxo, GS

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I just wanted to say this - is a huge trigger in my own relationship with my

own mother. It is my bait and keeps me hooked. In between the crazy moments- I

can and do have a nice mom moment with nada.

It just happened the other day- we shared a few laughs- a frappe-

a nice evening together.

But then there was one moment- because I am going to the beach with my

husband for the week- nada went overboard. She started telling me how much she

will miss me- and she wants me to have a good time- but she hates when I go

away. She will worry and how she has been bitchy all week to my dad because she

is upset about me going away. She reminded me when I went to Europe for 2 weeks

several years ago- how she got a nervous rash on her back- worrying about me.

You know proving to me again- how much me leaving effects her. ( Am I never to

leave her or have my own existence outside of her????)

The final words of obesession to me- I was the love of her life- and I always

will be- and then the conversation quickly turns into over the top- and I miss

that mother I just shared a sweet moment with. I say nothing to her comments to

me about traveling without her- and it seems to push her on to something else.

I will wait like I always do for another semi-normal nice mom moment-and in

between we will have crazy.

So yes nice mom's do trigger me- the best I can do is try so very hard to

be a nice mom to my wonderful daughter.

Good post- thanks,

malinda

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean about your mother's having nice, normal moments being the

bait that keeps you hooked. Mine too has always switched back and forth from

being kind and normal-acting to suddenly erupting in rage and physical violence,

or becoming vicious and saying hateful, cruel things, or (once I became an

adult) her becoming easily hurt and giving me the silent treatment, or crying

hysterically. And sometimes I'd have no clue what even triggered her into

negative acting-out behaviors like that. Its like I grew up with " Dr. Jekyll and

Mr. Hyde " as my mother, and I was physically terrified of her as a child. My

situation was very bewildering because my nada could be so very charming and

adorable in public, presenting a very creditable mask of being " the perfect

mother. "

My nada's behaviors trained/conditioned/brainwashed me over my formative years

to silently accept a great deal of abusive behaviors for a small reward later: a

window of " nice " mom behavior. That was my " normal " , and my concept of what

" love " is: terrifying, soul-destroying emotional and physical abuse interspersed

with being cared for, with no ability to understand or reconcile the two

opposite treatments, and no understanding of " why? " except that it was my fault,

somehow.

I never wanted to be married, if that's what being an adult meant.

I couldn't stand the idea of either turning into my mother, or of marrying

someone and having him treat me the same way my mother did.

An insidious by-product of my mother's behavior is that for a long, long time I

believed that most women must be just like my mother: able to appear calm,

normal, polite, and even engaging and charming while other people were around

(particularly other adults), but would let her true mean, domineering, hostile

self show only when alone with her family. So, whenever I'd visit a friend's

home, I figured my friend's mother was just putting on a " nice " act because I

was there, and would revert to being mean and hateful to my friend once I'd

left.

-Annie

>

> I just wanted to say this - is a huge trigger in my own relationship with my

own mother. It is my bait and keeps me hooked. In between the crazy moments- I

can and do have a nice mom moment with nada.

>

> It just happened the other day- we shared a few laughs- a frappe-

> a nice evening together.

>

> But then there was one moment- because I am going to the beach with my

husband for the week- nada went overboard. She started telling me how much she

will miss me- and she wants me to have a good time- but she hates when I go

away. She will worry and how she has been bitchy all week to my dad because she

is upset about me going away. She reminded me when I went to Europe for 2 weeks

several years ago- how she got a nervous rash on her back- worrying about me.

You know proving to me again- how much me leaving effects her. ( Am I never to

leave her or have my own existence outside of her????)

>

> The final words of obesession to me- I was the love of her life- and I always

will be- and then the conversation quickly turns into over the top- and I miss

that mother I just shared a sweet moment with. I say nothing to her comments to

me about traveling without her- and it seems to push her on to something else.

>

> I will wait like I always do for another semi-normal nice mom moment-and

in between we will have crazy.

>

> So yes nice mom's do trigger me- the best I can do is try so very hard to

be a nice mom to my wonderful daughter.

>

> Good post- thanks,

> malinda

>

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean about your mother's having nice, normal moments being the

bait that keeps you hooked. Mine too has always switched back and forth from

being kind and normal-acting to suddenly erupting in rage and physical violence,

or becoming vicious and saying hateful, cruel things, or (once I became an

adult) her becoming easily hurt and giving me the silent treatment, or crying

hysterically. And sometimes I'd have no clue what even triggered her into

negative acting-out behaviors like that. Its like I grew up with " Dr. Jekyll and

Mr. Hyde " as my mother, and I was physically terrified of her as a child. My

situation was very bewildering because my nada could be so very charming and

adorable in public, presenting a very creditable mask of being " the perfect

mother. "

My nada's behaviors trained/conditioned/brainwashed me over my formative years

to silently accept a great deal of abusive behaviors for a small reward later: a

window of " nice " mom behavior. That was my " normal " , and my concept of what

" love " is: terrifying, soul-destroying emotional and physical abuse interspersed

with being cared for, with no ability to understand or reconcile the two

opposite treatments, and no understanding of " why? " except that it was my fault,

somehow.

I never wanted to be married, if that's what being an adult meant.

I couldn't stand the idea of either turning into my mother, or of marrying

someone and having him treat me the same way my mother did.

An insidious by-product of my mother's behavior is that for a long, long time I

believed that most women must be just like my mother: able to appear calm,

normal, polite, and even engaging and charming while other people were around

(particularly other adults), but would let her true mean, domineering, hostile

self show only when alone with her family. So, whenever I'd visit a friend's

home, I figured my friend's mother was just putting on a " nice " act because I

was there, and would revert to being mean and hateful to my friend once I'd

left.

-Annie

>

> I just wanted to say this - is a huge trigger in my own relationship with my

own mother. It is my bait and keeps me hooked. In between the crazy moments- I

can and do have a nice mom moment with nada.

>

> It just happened the other day- we shared a few laughs- a frappe-

> a nice evening together.

>

> But then there was one moment- because I am going to the beach with my

husband for the week- nada went overboard. She started telling me how much she

will miss me- and she wants me to have a good time- but she hates when I go

away. She will worry and how she has been bitchy all week to my dad because she

is upset about me going away. She reminded me when I went to Europe for 2 weeks

several years ago- how she got a nervous rash on her back- worrying about me.

You know proving to me again- how much me leaving effects her. ( Am I never to

leave her or have my own existence outside of her????)

>

> The final words of obesession to me- I was the love of her life- and I always

will be- and then the conversation quickly turns into over the top- and I miss

that mother I just shared a sweet moment with. I say nothing to her comments to

me about traveling without her- and it seems to push her on to something else.

>

> I will wait like I always do for another semi-normal nice mom moment-and

in between we will have crazy.

>

> So yes nice mom's do trigger me- the best I can do is try so very hard to

be a nice mom to my wonderful daughter.

>

> Good post- thanks,

> malinda

>