Re: Manipulation by Emotion

[Guest guest]

You've described a very similar dynamic to the way my nada treated my little

Sister and me. We weren't supposed to make noise, make messes, have any

opinions about anything, or have preferences, and we weren't supposed to have

any feelings other than being happy all the time. Its as though we were just

" things " to her, like dolls with painted-on smiles, instead of living human

beings with our own separate thoughts and needs.

In your case, the doll analogy was literally true: you were made to sit still on

a sofa when your nada went out, as though she put her dolly on a shelf and went

to do something else, expecting her dolly to be right where she put it when she

returned.

Wow. That is just such an amazingly clear demonstration of dysfunction.

To me, it illustrates either a lack of empathy: it doesn't occur to nada that

her child would find sitting alone on a sofa for hours boring, scary, lonely,

sad or even painful (if the child became hungry, thirsty,or needed to go to the

bathroom but was afraid of being punished for leaving the sofa); or, it

illustrates narcissistic selfishness: nada understands that her child would be

lonely and uncomfortable, but nada simply doesn't care: nada's own needs and

feelings always have priority.

-Annie

>

> I think many of us here completely understand how you feel. And only here can

we say we hate our nadas and not get scolded for such a thought. When you lose

your childhood because of your so-called mother controlling every thing you do

and feel, no nurturing, no kindness or sensitivity - yeah, there's going to be a

lot of anger and resentment when it finally hits you that you never had a mom or

a chance to be a kid.

>

> My nada loves to brag to people about what a good baby and child I was. I

never cried as a baby, as a toddler I never got into things - I would just sit

quietly by myself and play with a few toys or look at books, as a little kid I

never ran around and made noise. Of course not because she wouldn't allow it.

Never had birthday parties or little friends over. I have to wonder what did she

do to me that I wouldn't even fuss as an infant?

>

> One more little story: I do remember as a little child, maybe 4 years old, she

would sit me on the couch and tell me not to move until she got back from the

grocery store. And I would not move because I was afraid she would find out and

get angry with me. How did that fear ever penetrate me so deeply that I couldn't

even act like a kid?

>

> I'm sorry you're hurting so much. We know we can't get our childhood back but

the pain and scars still sit there.

[Guest guest]

Yes, very much the dolly on the shelf. She wanted to be able to just glance in

and see me sitting there. Interesting, when you mention " painful " because of

not even going to the bathroom. I must have held it many times. Because, I

remember thinking many times, " I need to go to the bathroom. Or, is that a

problem for you? "

And I think it must be narcissistic tendencies. Because, she " acts " so tuned

into others every emotion, need and move. And is almost hyper attentive to

every move you make. And constantly asking things like if you're too hot or

cold. But, when you are nothing but a " doll " to play house with, your needs

don't really matter. It's all a part of the game you are acting out.

> >

> > I think many of us here completely understand how you feel. And only here

can we say we hate our nadas and not get scolded for such a thought. When you

lose your childhood because of your so-called mother controlling every thing you

do and feel, no nurturing, no kindness or sensitivity - yeah, there's going to

be a lot of anger and resentment when it finally hits you that you never had a

mom or a chance to be a kid.

> >

> > My nada loves to brag to people about what a good baby and child I was. I

never cried as a baby, as a toddler I never got into things - I would just sit

quietly by myself and play with a few toys or look at books, as a little kid I

never ran around and made noise. Of course not because she wouldn't allow it.

Never had birthday parties or little friends over. I have to wonder what did she

do to me that I wouldn't even fuss as an infant?

> >

> > One more little story: I do remember as a little child, maybe 4 years old,

she would sit me on the couch and tell me not to move until she got back from

the grocery store. And I would not move because I was afraid she would find out

and get angry with me. How did that fear ever penetrate me so deeply that I

couldn't even act like a kid?

> >

> > I'm sorry you're hurting so much. We know we can't get our childhood back

but the pain and scars still sit there.

>