Re: Manipulation by Emotion

[Guest guest]

I think many of us here completely understand how you feel. And only here can

we say we hate our nadas and not get scolded for such a thought. When you lose

your childhood because of your so-called mother controlling every thing you do

and feel, no nurturing, no kindness or sensitivity - yeah, there's going to be a

lot of anger and resentment when it finally hits you that you never had a mom or

a chance to be a kid.

My nada loves to brag to people about what a good baby and child I was. I never

cried as a baby, as a toddler I never got into things - I would just sit quietly

by myself and play with a few toys or look at books, as a little kid I never ran

around and made noise. Of course not because she wouldn't allow it. Never had

birthday parties or little friends over. I have to wonder what did she do to me

that I wouldn't even fuss as an infant?

One more little story: I do remember as a little child, maybe 4 years old, she

would sit me on the couch and tell me not to move until she got back from the

grocery store. And I would not move because I was afraid she would find out and

get angry with me. How did that fear ever penetrate me so deeply that I couldn't

even act like a kid?

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. We know we can't get our childhood back but

the pain and scars still sit there.

>

>

> This is one reason...I can not stand my nada! Now, that I'm grown and she

pulls these lies on me to emotionally manipulate me, I'm even angrier at her

for doing this to me as a child. She'll cry for attention, " Help! Help! " She

pull this completely...not even well acted crying spell, from the other room.

Now, I ignore it. But, as a child, I was devastated by it. It was always me

who had to save her. And I lived in fear something would be wrong, someone was

upset, crying, dieing! " How can you leave me now? " Was the crap I would hear

over and over again. I couldn't leave, because something might happen while I

was gone and no one would save her! It was severely abusive looking back...not

only for the emotional hell she would put me through. But, for the hours I

spent as a child not daring to do anything in my own life...except sit and watch

tv waiting for the next ball to drop.

>

> Did I mention, I hate her!

>

[Guest guest]

I think many of us here completely understand how you feel. And only here can

we say we hate our nadas and not get scolded for such a thought. When you lose

your childhood because of your so-called mother controlling every thing you do

and feel, no nurturing, no kindness or sensitivity - yeah, there's going to be a

lot of anger and resentment when it finally hits you that you never had a mom or

a chance to be a kid.

My nada loves to brag to people about what a good baby and child I was. I never

cried as a baby, as a toddler I never got into things - I would just sit quietly

by myself and play with a few toys or look at books, as a little kid I never ran

around and made noise. Of course not because she wouldn't allow it. Never had

birthday parties or little friends over. I have to wonder what did she do to me

that I wouldn't even fuss as an infant?

One more little story: I do remember as a little child, maybe 4 years old, she

would sit me on the couch and tell me not to move until she got back from the

grocery store. And I would not move because I was afraid she would find out and

get angry with me. How did that fear ever penetrate me so deeply that I couldn't

even act like a kid?

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. We know we can't get our childhood back but

the pain and scars still sit there.

>

>

> This is one reason...I can not stand my nada! Now, that I'm grown and she

pulls these lies on me to emotionally manipulate me, I'm even angrier at her

for doing this to me as a child. She'll cry for attention, " Help! Help! " She

pull this completely...not even well acted crying spell, from the other room.

Now, I ignore it. But, as a child, I was devastated by it. It was always me

who had to save her. And I lived in fear something would be wrong, someone was

upset, crying, dieing! " How can you leave me now? " Was the crap I would hear

over and over again. I couldn't leave, because something might happen while I

was gone and no one would save her! It was severely abusive looking back...not

only for the emotional hell she would put me through. But, for the hours I

spent as a child not daring to do anything in my own life...except sit and watch

tv waiting for the next ball to drop.

>

> Did I mention, I hate her!

>

[Guest guest]

My Nada does the same. She claims that I only cried once when I was a baby, and

it was just one fat tear after I fell. She was very clingy when I was a baby. I

interviewed her about my birth story for an anthro class once, and she said

" people always offered to help by watching you, but I hated it. I never wanted

to stop playing with you, and I thought, why couldn't they help me with

something else. " Then I saw a baby video she sent me (for the same class), and

in it, I'm being passed from person to person without freaking out or trying to

stay close to anyone in particular. When I'm finally passed back to my Nada, she

starts playing with me, and I sort of look away and pull away. It looked to me

like a classic avoidant attachment style, which is probably what helped me

survive all those years of living with Nada, though it *does* present some

challenges as an adult (working on it...).

-Frances

> >

> >

> > This is one reason...I can not stand my nada! Now, that I'm grown and she

pulls these lies on me to emotionally manipulate me, I'm even angrier at her

for doing this to me as a child. She'll cry for attention, " Help! Help! " She

pull this completely...not even well acted crying spell, from the other room.

Now, I ignore it. But, as a child, I was devastated by it. It was always me

who had to save her. And I lived in fear something would be wrong, someone was

upset, crying, dieing! " How can you leave me now? " Was the crap I would hear

over and over again. I couldn't leave, because something might happen while I

was gone and no one would save her! It was severely abusive looking back...not

only for the emotional hell she would put me through. But, for the hours I

spent as a child not daring to do anything in my own life...except sit and watch

tv waiting for the next ball to drop.

> >

> > Did I mention, I hate her!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You've described a very similar dynamic to the way my nada treated my little

Sister and me. We weren't supposed to make noise, make messes, have any

opinions about anything, or have preferences, and we weren't supposed to have

any feelings other than being happy all the time. Its as though we were just

" things " to her, like dolls with painted-on smiles, instead of living human

beings with our own separate thoughts and needs.

In your case, the doll analogy was literally true: you were made to sit still on

a sofa when your nada went out, as though she put her dolly on a shelf and went

to do something else, expecting her dolly to be right where she put it when she

returned.

Wow. That is just such an amazingly clear demonstration of dysfunction.

To me, it illustrates either a lack of empathy: it doesn't occur to nada that

her child would find sitting alone on a sofa for hours boring, scary, lonely,

sad or even painful (if the child became hungry, thirsty,or needed to go to the

bathroom but was afraid of being punished for leaving the sofa); or, it

illustrates narcissistic selfishness: nada understands that her child would be

lonely and uncomfortable, but nada simply doesn't care: nada's own needs and

feelings always have priority.

-Annie

>

> I think many of us here completely understand how you feel. And only here can

we say we hate our nadas and not get scolded for such a thought. When you lose

your childhood because of your so-called mother controlling every thing you do

and feel, no nurturing, no kindness or sensitivity - yeah, there's going to be a

lot of anger and resentment when it finally hits you that you never had a mom or

a chance to be a kid.

>

> My nada loves to brag to people about what a good baby and child I was. I

never cried as a baby, as a toddler I never got into things - I would just sit

quietly by myself and play with a few toys or look at books, as a little kid I

never ran around and made noise. Of course not because she wouldn't allow it.

Never had birthday parties or little friends over. I have to wonder what did she

do to me that I wouldn't even fuss as an infant?

>

> One more little story: I do remember as a little child, maybe 4 years old, she

would sit me on the couch and tell me not to move until she got back from the

grocery store. And I would not move because I was afraid she would find out and

get angry with me. How did that fear ever penetrate me so deeply that I couldn't

even act like a kid?

>

> I'm sorry you're hurting so much. We know we can't get our childhood back but

the pain and scars still sit there.