Re: bpd stable partnerships

August 2, 2010

I often thought of my dad as " a rock " and been amazed at what he puts up with.

I do think that my dad helped my mom be able to function and he certainly calmed

many of her rages. However, he was mainly an enabler and he often lectured us

children on how important it was to " take care of our mother " . I used to be

terrified when she threatened divorce because I figured any court would give her

the kids and I suspected life would be hell without dad around to constantly

smooth things over. Now that I'm an adult, I sometimes worry that she will go

off the deep and even commit suicide after dad dies.

wrote:

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

August 2, 2010

I often thought of my dad as " a rock " and been amazed at what he puts up with.

I do think that my dad helped my mom be able to function and he certainly calmed

many of her rages. However, he was mainly an enabler and he often lectured us

children on how important it was to " take care of our mother " . I used to be

terrified when she threatened divorce because I figured any court would give her

the kids and I suspected life would be hell without dad around to constantly

smooth things over. Now that I'm an adult, I sometimes worry that she will go

off the deep and even commit suicide after dad dies.

wrote:

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

August 2, 2010

>

>oh dude, me too, totally parent-ified, not by nada but by my dad, her husband.

I filled in for her by cooking, cleaning, groc shopping and most of all, being

the gracious hostess at any kind of social event. My dad was very outgoing

(might be where I got it) and nada would usually refuse to do social things with

him. I'm sure she just couldnt risk not being the center of attention. So that

left me to be the girl on dads arm and the hostess at cookouts, campouts

funeral, retirement parties and all types of cowboy socializing.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

>

>oh dude, me too, totally parent-ified, not by nada but by my dad, her husband.

I filled in for her by cooking, cleaning, groc shopping and most of all, being

the gracious hostess at any kind of social event. My dad was very outgoing

(might be where I got it) and nada would usually refuse to do social things with

him. I'm sure she just couldnt risk not being the center of attention. So that

left me to be the girl on dads arm and the hostess at cookouts, campouts

funeral, retirement parties and all types of cowboy socializing.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

>

>oh dude, me too, totally parent-ified, not by nada but by my dad, her husband.

I filled in for her by cooking, cleaning, groc shopping and most of all, being

the gracious hostess at any kind of social event. My dad was very outgoing

(might be where I got it) and nada would usually refuse to do social things with

him. I'm sure she just couldnt risk not being the center of attention. So that

left me to be the girl on dads arm and the hostess at cookouts, campouts

funeral, retirement parties and all types of cowboy socializing.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

>

>oh dude, me too, totally parent-ified, not by nada but by my dad, her husband.

I filled in for her by cooking, cleaning, groc shopping and most of all, being

the gracious hostess at any kind of social event. My dad was very outgoing

(might be where I got it) and nada would usually refuse to do social things with

him. I'm sure she just couldnt risk not being the center of attention. So that

left me to be the girl on dads arm and the hostess at cookouts, campouts

funeral, retirement parties and all types of cowboy socializing.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

>

>oh dude, me too, totally parent-ified, not by nada but by my dad, her husband.

I filled in for her by cooking, cleaning, groc shopping and most of all, being

the gracious hostess at any kind of social event. My dad was very outgoing

(might be where I got it) and nada would usually refuse to do social things with

him. I'm sure she just couldnt risk not being the center of attention. So that

left me to be the girl on dads arm and the hostess at cookouts, campouts

funeral, retirement parties and all types of cowboy socializing.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

>

>oh dude, me too, totally parent-ified, not by nada but by my dad, her husband.

I filled in for her by cooking, cleaning, groc shopping and most of all, being

the gracious hostess at any kind of social event. My dad was very outgoing

(might be where I got it) and nada would usually refuse to do social things with

him. I'm sure she just couldnt risk not being the center of attention. So that

left me to be the girl on dads arm and the hostess at cookouts, campouts

funeral, retirement parties and all types of cowboy socializing.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

Omg mssmitty, I could have written every single word u just said, but

w one edit, nada told me many times that if they split I would live w

my dad. I was the all bad, plus she often said she knew she was a bad

parent but she had done her part by marrying my dad and getting

neighbors to help raise me.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

Omg mssmitty, I could have written every single word u just said, but

w one edit, nada told me many times that if they split I would live w

my dad. I was the all bad, plus she often said she knew she was a bad

parent but she had done her part by marrying my dad and getting

neighbors to help raise me.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

Omg mssmitty, I could have written every single word u just said, but

w one edit, nada told me many times that if they split I would live w

my dad. I was the all bad, plus she often said she knew she was a bad

parent but she had done her part by marrying my dad and getting

neighbors to help raise me.

>

> My parents divorced when I was a baby, but I always wondered (more like

hopeful fantasies) that if my nada had met and married a man who could be " her

rock " , if she could have been more functional and stable. And would it have

taken the heat off of me as the only child? I've had many a therapist say I

was spousified and/or parentified. I wonder if a husband who would have played

those roles had come along if she could have been a more normal mother.

>

> From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and

he seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or

the dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet?

>

August 2, 2010

" From what I've read here it sounds like the " dishrag " is the most common and he

seems to serve as an enabler mostly. What happens if there is a divorce or the

dishrag dad dies - does the nada's functioning plummet? "

- My poor, hapless Dad put up with my mom but seemed mystified as to what

to do with her. They divorced (her idea) and remarried, and during the split, I

was de facto housekeeper and babysitter while she enjoyed her belated

adolescence. Then after they remarried, when he was in his final weeks of life

and we had our last face-to-face conversation, I told him not to worry about

Mom, I'd help (being the responsible adult daughter - this was a couple of

decades before I learned about BPD). He said, " NO! Don't do that - she's like

a child. " He was very weak, and I didn't push it, but it astounded me that he

was trying to warn me away from taking on the role. It wasn't until much later

that I realized what he was trying to say.

To answer your question, yes, her functioning plummeted after his death. She

promptly focused her tractor-beam on me (visual image here - the Eye of Sauron

looking around Mordor), and since I didn't have a clue about the true nature of

her mental illness, I fell right into the role of Nada's Good Helper. And it

took over twenty years for me to realize that she wasn't nearly as helpless as I

thought, and that nothing I ever did for her was enough, or right, or of

permanent value.

>

August 2, 2010