Guest guest Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 NADA having breathing problems going for chest xray today. Hard to be concerned when she has cryed wolf for 58 of my 58 years. These posts help me so! Keep writing. Stay strong. Blessings, Subject: Re: Am I crazy??!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, July 28, 2010, 12:31 PM  --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , Katrina Dear Fiona, Thanks so much for your response. I get so much from reading your posts too and feel I can relate so much to your experiences. I'm not sure mine are articulated any better. I do know that I always feel bad after I write anything here because I always feel I crap on so much and include every excruciating detail! Once I start, that's it, it all pours out! My partner is often in the background saying " Why do you always have to talk so much about your feelings? " LOL It really helps though. The support I find here is just amazing. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It has given me some hope and some idea of what to expect. I can't tell you how helpful that is to me at the moment. I think as you said I can expect it to be rocky at first, but with some persistence it could just work for both of us. You were spot on when you said it sounds like she has a fear of being abandoned. I think that is what all of her behaviour comes back to. I also think that you're right about clear routines helping them with their anxiety. It sounds like you've come a long way in setting some strong boundaries with your mother. That couldn't have been easy! I hope that your sense of guilt and responsibility is diminishing more and more. I have struggled a lot with that too, but am really moving through that lately, which is part of the reason I am hopeful that I might be able to maintain some emotional distance and create a workable dynamic with her. That has been especially difficult because our relationship has never had boundaries and it took me a long time to realise this was not " normal " or healthy. Keep guarding your rules and protecting yourself won't you. Oh and thank you for asking about my baby. She is just lovely. Full of smiles and giggles and baby babble. I am trying so hard to not let all of this get on top of me so I can really enjoy her. It is hard at times as it always seems to be on my mind in one way or another, but I try and be in the moment as much as I can so I can really be the best for my family. Katrina and thank you also for your fantastic input. It sounds like you've both done really well setting up some clear boundaries with your Nadas as well. It was so helpful to read about how you both navigated your relationships. ,it is always great to be reminded of the 3 C's and FOG. Thanks heaps for that and for sharing your strategies. I really like your line " I can see you're having a bad day, so I'll see you later " . I feel I need to be armed with plans of attack and lines like that! Katrina, thanks for pointing out the importance of consequences as this seems to really complete the picture and I hadn't really thought that far ahead. Your advice about how to get her to comply with no phone messaging was really great, because I really want to stay strong on that, thank you. Oh, she cancelled our first catch up by the way. I kind of expected it, because I am calling the shots. She left some sad sounding messages on my machine first sounding slightly annoyed and asking if I could come to her house instead of meet for coffee. This was followed by one saying she was glad it didn't work out, because it was raining and she liked knowing I was home in the warm. I haven't responded to her because I don't want daily chit chat and I have told her I don't want phone contact because I don't know what to expect from her, so I want to keep strong on that. My plan is to just stick to seeing her at our planned time next week so that our arrangement doesn't become open for negotiation. She will be thinking I'm horrible because her reason for cancelling is a bad back. She is saying it's just as bad as it was when she first got the injury. I can tell she wants me to rush over there or will at least expect a make up visit, but I'm going to stick to our plan. I'll see how it goes I guess. Well, I've certainly crapped on again and written another lengthy one! Sorry about that! I can't thank you all enough for your great advice. I can't tell you how much it has helped! All the best for your journeys. With warmth, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2010 Report Share Posted July 29, 2010 Stay Strong Lynda! Remember the 3 C's. and FOG! WE deserve a life free of fear/ obligation/ guilt. Blessings, Subject: Re: Am I crazy??!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, July 29, 2010, 11:28 AM  Wow. I am so grateful for all of your support. Thanks you so much! I tried to re enforce my request about sticking to no phone contact today after she sent me a few random messages about whooping cough. I put it very nicely and said that I was looking forward to our catch up next Wednesday and could we please stick to no phone contact for the time. I thought that I had better really be clear about this because I don't want things to slide back to how they were and wait for her anger outburst again. Well, so far this evening I have received 33 sms messages to my 10. I tried to keep mine very nice and civil, sticking to my feelings and needs and so on. I said over and over that I loved her but phone contact hadn't been going well, so I'd rather we avoided it and stick to our weekly catch up. I have not replied to the last 10 or so and she just sent me another saying she was too busy to fight!! I was tempted to tell her she is fighting with herself! Alas now she has told me she is divorcing me and for the 157th time she has said she is never contacting me again. Somehow I don't believe her! I feel really numb too. I think I have to be to cope. I was prepared for things to escalate whilst I'm trying to set this new arrangement up. I also was prepared for a reaction on a very human level cause I guess it would be hurtful for your daughter to refuse phone contact with you. I am such a mean, nasty, cold thing in her eyes! But I just don't know how much more energy I've got for this. I'm just so tired! I am so thankful for all of the support here. It is really helping me work through this. Thank you so much everyone! With warmth, Lynda > > >I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally > > >crazy?!?!! > > > > > >The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I > > >have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries > > >with my mother. > > > > > >I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary > > >setting and the difficult question of communicating these to > > >Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from > > >you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this > > >process. > > > > > >I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong > > >resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from > > >more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, > > >proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been > > >contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I > > >must say! > > > > > >Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. > > >I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but > > >without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. > > >I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and > > >has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So > > >much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me > > >sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say > > >that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of > > >insults! > > > > > >I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I > > >have already told her this is because I don't know what to > > >expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once > > >a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my > > >mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week > > >to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she > > >might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any > > >crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > > > > > >Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this > > >could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear > > > " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think > > >this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any > > >attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > > > > > >I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I > > >just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message > > >you sometimes etc etc > > > > > >There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > > > > > >1. I no longer feel responsible for her > > >happiness/behaviour/well-being. > > > > > >2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and > > >not feel guilty about not seeing her. > > > > > >I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that > > >if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my > > >decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and > > >decent thing by her. > > > > > >I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > > > > > > > >Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > > > > > >With warmth, > > > > > >Lynda > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------ > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > > >@ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO > > >NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call > > >888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > > > " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving > > >the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any > > >bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 29, 2010 Report Share Posted July 29, 2010 Stay Strong Lynda! Remember the 3 C's. and FOG! WE deserve a life free of fear/ obligation/ guilt. Blessings, Subject: Re: Am I crazy??!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Thursday, July 29, 2010, 11:28 AM  Wow. I am so grateful for all of your support. Thanks you so much! I tried to re enforce my request about sticking to no phone contact today after she sent me a few random messages about whooping cough. I put it very nicely and said that I was looking forward to our catch up next Wednesday and could we please stick to no phone contact for the time. I thought that I had better really be clear about this because I don't want things to slide back to how they were and wait for her anger outburst again. Well, so far this evening I have received 33 sms messages to my 10. I tried to keep mine very nice and civil, sticking to my feelings and needs and so on. I said over and over that I loved her but phone contact hadn't been going well, so I'd rather we avoided it and stick to our weekly catch up. I have not replied to the last 10 or so and she just sent me another saying she was too busy to fight!! I was tempted to tell her she is fighting with herself! Alas now she has told me she is divorcing me and for the 157th time she has said she is never contacting me again. Somehow I don't believe her! I feel really numb too. I think I have to be to cope. I was prepared for things to escalate whilst I'm trying to set this new arrangement up. I also was prepared for a reaction on a very human level cause I guess it would be hurtful for your daughter to refuse phone contact with you. I am such a mean, nasty, cold thing in her eyes! But I just don't know how much more energy I've got for this. I'm just so tired! I am so thankful for all of the support here. It is really helping me work through this. Thank you so much everyone! With warmth, Lynda > > >I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally > > >crazy?!?!! > > > > > >The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I > > >have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries > > >with my mother. > > > > > >I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary > > >setting and the difficult question of communicating these to > > >Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from > > >you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this > > >process. > > > > > >I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong > > >resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from > > >more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, > > >proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been > > >contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I > > >must say! > > > > > >Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. > > >I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but > > >without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. > > >I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and > > >has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So > > >much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me > > >sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say > > >that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of > > >insults! > > > > > >I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I > > >have already told her this is because I don't know what to > > >expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once > > >a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my > > >mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week > > >to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she > > >might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any > > >crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > > > > > >Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this > > >could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear > > > " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think > > >this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any > > >attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > > > > > >I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I > > >just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message > > >you sometimes etc etc > > > > > >There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > > > > > >1. I no longer feel responsible for her > > >happiness/behaviour/well-being. > > > > > >2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and > > >not feel guilty about not seeing her. > > > > > >I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that > > >if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my > > >decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and > > >decent thing by her. > > > > > >I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > > > > > > > >Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > > > > > >With warmth, > > > > > >Lynda > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------ > > > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > > >@ SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO > > >NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call > > >888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > > > " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving > > >the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any > > >bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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