Guest guest Posted July 27, 2010 Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 Lynda, I love your posts. They are so like my own inner turmoil, except you say it all so much better! You had written: " I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away " I did that with my mother, not telling her the new game plan but just doing it. Mostly b/c she doesn't let me talk. If I said, " mom, from now on, we're only going to talk once a week " , she would start crying, hollering and screaming. Anyway, it didn't work at first, but after a while she got it. But until she got it, it was very, very difficult. The guilt for me was overwhelming (thank God for you all being here). I do think having a routine with clear rules with your mother might work. It sounds like she, like my mother, is desperately terrified of being abandoned. So, with my mother, we talk one time only in the mornings, and I visit Sunday afternoons. That's it. I think the routine helps her tolerate her anxiety. I guess. But, as you also said, my ongoing fear is that she will want more and more. So I try so hard to guard these rules I've set. It's so true, so so unhappily true: it is like freaking combat. Geez. When I read about famous people, explorers, etc., doing great things, as a KO, all I wonder is if their mothers gave them any grief. How did they get so free to be able to do these things?? Sigh. Lynda, let us know how it goes! How is your baby? Hope you are enjoying her a great deal. Fiona > > I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally crazy?!?!! > > The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries with my mother. > > I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary setting and the difficult question of communicating these to Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this process. > > I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I must say! > > Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. > I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of insults! > > I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I have already told her this is because I don't know what to expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > > Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > > I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message you sometimes etc etc > > There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > > 1. I no longer feel responsible for her happiness/behaviour/well-being. > > 2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and not feel guilty about not seeing her. > > I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and decent thing by her. > > I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > > Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > > With warmth, > > Lynda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2010 Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 Lynda, I love your posts. They are so like my own inner turmoil, except you say it all so much better! You had written: " I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away " I did that with my mother, not telling her the new game plan but just doing it. Mostly b/c she doesn't let me talk. If I said, " mom, from now on, we're only going to talk once a week " , she would start crying, hollering and screaming. Anyway, it didn't work at first, but after a while she got it. But until she got it, it was very, very difficult. The guilt for me was overwhelming (thank God for you all being here). I do think having a routine with clear rules with your mother might work. It sounds like she, like my mother, is desperately terrified of being abandoned. So, with my mother, we talk one time only in the mornings, and I visit Sunday afternoons. That's it. I think the routine helps her tolerate her anxiety. I guess. But, as you also said, my ongoing fear is that she will want more and more. So I try so hard to guard these rules I've set. It's so true, so so unhappily true: it is like freaking combat. Geez. When I read about famous people, explorers, etc., doing great things, as a KO, all I wonder is if their mothers gave them any grief. How did they get so free to be able to do these things?? Sigh. Lynda, let us know how it goes! How is your baby? Hope you are enjoying her a great deal. Fiona > > I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally crazy?!?!! > > The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries with my mother. > > I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary setting and the difficult question of communicating these to Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this process. > > I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I must say! > > Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. > I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of insults! > > I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I have already told her this is because I don't know what to expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > > Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > > I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message you sometimes etc etc > > There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > > 1. I no longer feel responsible for her happiness/behaviour/well-being. > > 2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and not feel guilty about not seeing her. > > I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and decent thing by her. > > I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > > Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > > With warmth, > > Lynda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2010 Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 Lynda, I love your posts. They are so like my own inner turmoil, except you say it all so much better! You had written: " I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away " I did that with my mother, not telling her the new game plan but just doing it. Mostly b/c she doesn't let me talk. If I said, " mom, from now on, we're only going to talk once a week " , she would start crying, hollering and screaming. Anyway, it didn't work at first, but after a while she got it. But until she got it, it was very, very difficult. The guilt for me was overwhelming (thank God for you all being here). I do think having a routine with clear rules with your mother might work. It sounds like she, like my mother, is desperately terrified of being abandoned. So, with my mother, we talk one time only in the mornings, and I visit Sunday afternoons. That's it. I think the routine helps her tolerate her anxiety. I guess. But, as you also said, my ongoing fear is that she will want more and more. So I try so hard to guard these rules I've set. It's so true, so so unhappily true: it is like freaking combat. Geez. When I read about famous people, explorers, etc., doing great things, as a KO, all I wonder is if their mothers gave them any grief. How did they get so free to be able to do these things?? Sigh. Lynda, let us know how it goes! How is your baby? Hope you are enjoying her a great deal. Fiona > > I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally crazy?!?!! > > The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries with my mother. > > I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary setting and the difficult question of communicating these to Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this process. > > I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I must say! > > Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. > I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of insults! > > I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I have already told her this is because I don't know what to expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > > Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > > I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message you sometimes etc etc > > There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > > 1. I no longer feel responsible for her happiness/behaviour/well-being. > > 2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and not feel guilty about not seeing her. > > I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and decent thing by her. > > I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > > Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > > With warmth, > > Lynda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2010 Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 When I went LC (once a week) nada didn't like it but, if she is a toot when I visit on thurs. (yes , my neck bristles at the thought) I just say I can see you'r having a bad day. I'll see you later. Only had to do this once. She got it. I try to remember the 3 C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. and from one of our posts FOG I had lived all my life with fear, obligation, guilt . Never feeling enough " the good daughter "  bs. Nada used to compare me to my dishrag cousin when we were kids. Yikes. I really hate her. Subject: Am I crazy??!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 8:13 AM  I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally crazy?!?!! The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries with my mother. I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary setting and the difficult question of communicating these to Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this process. I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I must say! Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of insults! I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I have already told her this is because I don't know what to expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message you sometimes etc etc There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: 1. I no longer feel responsible for her happiness/behaviour/well-being. 2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and not feel guilty about not seeing her. I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and decent thing by her. I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! With warmth, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2010 Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 When I went LC (once a week) nada didn't like it but, if she is a toot when I visit on thurs. (yes , my neck bristles at the thought) I just say I can see you'r having a bad day. I'll see you later. Only had to do this once. She got it. I try to remember the 3 C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. and from one of our posts FOG I had lived all my life with fear, obligation, guilt . Never feeling enough " the good daughter "  bs. Nada used to compare me to my dishrag cousin when we were kids. Yikes. I really hate her. Subject: Am I crazy??!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 8:13 AM  I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally crazy?!?!! The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries with my mother. I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary setting and the difficult question of communicating these to Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this process. I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I must say! Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of insults! I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I have already told her this is because I don't know what to expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message you sometimes etc etc There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: 1. I no longer feel responsible for her happiness/behaviour/well-being. 2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and not feel guilty about not seeing her. I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and decent thing by her. I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! With warmth, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2010 Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 When I went LC (once a week) nada didn't like it but, if she is a toot when I visit on thurs. (yes , my neck bristles at the thought) I just say I can see you'r having a bad day. I'll see you later. Only had to do this once. She got it. I try to remember the 3 C's I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. and from one of our posts FOG I had lived all my life with fear, obligation, guilt . Never feeling enough " the good daughter "  bs. Nada used to compare me to my dishrag cousin when we were kids. Yikes. I really hate her. Subject: Am I crazy??!! To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 8:13 AM  I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally crazy?!?!! The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries with my mother. I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary setting and the difficult question of communicating these to Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this process. I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I must say! Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of insults! I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I have already told her this is because I don't know what to expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message you sometimes etc etc There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: 1. I no longer feel responsible for her happiness/behaviour/well-being. 2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and not feel guilty about not seeing her. I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and decent thing by her. I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! With warmth, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 27, 2010 Report Share Posted July 27, 2010 Lynda, I don't think you're crazy. I'm not so sure that that this will work for you, but I think it is worth trying. What I've found is that having clear consequences for misbehavior does more than just having clear rules. Several years ago, after my much younger sister finished college and thus no longer needed nada to fill out paperwork for her, I decided that I no longer had any reason to put up with nada's continuing misbehavior and verbal abuse. One of the main rules I instituted was that certain topics were simply not up for discussion and that I wasn't going to listen to her say nasty things about other people. I never told her what the rules were as such. I simply started giving her one warning before leaving or hanging up the phone. It took a while, but after a couple years of that, she mostly stopped saying nasty things about my sister to me. She still says nasty things about a few other people, especially her ex-husbands and boyfriends, but the improvement is enough to let me tolerate spending time with her occasionally. I think that if you make it clear that sending you sms messages will result in you not being available for your scheduled weekly contact, that could work. It will probably take multiple instances of you having to " punish " her by refusing to see her though, and it may make things worse before they get better, if they get better at all. This is one of those situations where I find that thinking of nadas as toddlers who are two young to be seriously reasoned with helps a lot. They can hopefully connect negative results with their behavior but they don't really understand why that behavior is wrong. I wish you good luck with this. At 04:13 AM 07/27/2010 birdonawire77 wrote: >I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally >crazy?!?!! > >The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I >have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries >with my mother. > >I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary >setting and the difficult question of communicating these to >Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from >you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this >process. > >I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong >resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from >more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, >proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been >contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I >must say! > >Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. >I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but >without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. >I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and >has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So >much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me >sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say >that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of >insults! > >I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I >have already told her this is because I don't know what to >expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once >a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my >mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week >to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she >might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any >crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > >Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this >could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear > " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think >this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any >attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > >I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I >just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message >you sometimes etc etc > >There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > >1. I no longer feel responsible for her >happiness/behaviour/well-being. > >2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and >not feel guilty about not seeing her. > >I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that >if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my >decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and >decent thing by her. > >I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > >Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > >With warmth, > >Lynda > > > > > > >------------------------------------ > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at >@.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO >NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call >888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving >the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any >bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , Katrina Dear Fiona, Thanks so much for your response. I get so much from reading your posts too and feel I can relate so much to your experiences. I'm not sure mine are articulated any better. I do know that I always feel bad after I write anything here because I always feel I crap on so much and include every excruciating detail! Once I start, that's it, it all pours out! My partner is often in the background saying " Why do you always have to talk so much about your feelings? " LOL It really helps though. The support I find here is just amazing. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It has given me some hope and some idea of what to expect. I can't tell you how helpful that is to me at the moment. I think as you said I can expect it to be rocky at first, but with some persistence it could just work for both of us. You were spot on when you said it sounds like she has a fear of being abandoned. I think that is what all of her behaviour comes back to. I also think that you're right about clear routines helping them with their anxiety. It sounds like you've come a long way in setting some strong boundaries with your mother. That couldn't have been easy! I hope that your sense of guilt and responsibility is diminishing more and more. I have struggled a lot with that too, but am really moving through that lately, which is part of the reason I am hopeful that I might be able to maintain some emotional distance and create a workable dynamic with her. That has been especially difficult because our relationship has never had boundaries and it took me a long time to realise this was not " normal " or healthy. Keep guarding your rules and protecting yourself won't you. Oh and thank you for asking about my baby. She is just lovely. Full of smiles and giggles and baby babble. I am trying so hard to not let all of this get on top of me so I can really enjoy her. It is hard at times as it always seems to be on my mind in one way or another, but I try and be in the moment as much as I can so I can really be the best for my family. Katrina and thank you also for your fantastic input. It sounds like you've both done really well setting up some clear boundaries with your Nadas as well. It was so helpful to read about how you both navigated your relationships. ,it is always great to be reminded of the 3 C's and FOG. Thanks heaps for that and for sharing your strategies. I really like your line " I can see you're having a bad day, so I'll see you later " . I feel I need to be armed with plans of attack and lines like that! Katrina, thanks for pointing out the importance of consequences as this seems to really complete the picture and I hadn't really thought that far ahead. Your advice about how to get her to comply with no phone messaging was really great, because I really want to stay strong on that, thank you. Oh, she cancelled our first catch up by the way. I kind of expected it, because I am calling the shots. She left some sad sounding messages on my machine first sounding slightly annoyed and asking if I could come to her house instead of meet for coffee. This was followed by one saying she was glad it didn't work out, because it was raining and she liked knowing I was home in the warm. I haven't responded to her because I don't want daily chit chat and I have told her I don't want phone contact because I don't know what to expect from her, so I want to keep strong on that. My plan is to just stick to seeing her at our planned time next week so that our arrangement doesn't become open for negotiation. She will be thinking I'm horrible because her reason for cancelling is a bad back. She is saying it's just as bad as it was when she first got the injury. I can tell she wants me to rush over there or will at least expect a make up visit, but I'm going to stick to our plan. I'll see how it goes I guess. Well, I've certainly crapped on again and written another lengthy one! Sorry about that! I can't thank you all enough for your great advice. I can't tell you how much it has helped! All the best for your journeys. With warmth, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , Katrina Dear Fiona, Thanks so much for your response. I get so much from reading your posts too and feel I can relate so much to your experiences. I'm not sure mine are articulated any better. I do know that I always feel bad after I write anything here because I always feel I crap on so much and include every excruciating detail! Once I start, that's it, it all pours out! My partner is often in the background saying " Why do you always have to talk so much about your feelings? " LOL It really helps though. The support I find here is just amazing. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It has given me some hope and some idea of what to expect. I can't tell you how helpful that is to me at the moment. I think as you said I can expect it to be rocky at first, but with some persistence it could just work for both of us. You were spot on when you said it sounds like she has a fear of being abandoned. I think that is what all of her behaviour comes back to. I also think that you're right about clear routines helping them with their anxiety. It sounds like you've come a long way in setting some strong boundaries with your mother. That couldn't have been easy! I hope that your sense of guilt and responsibility is diminishing more and more. I have struggled a lot with that too, but am really moving through that lately, which is part of the reason I am hopeful that I might be able to maintain some emotional distance and create a workable dynamic with her. That has been especially difficult because our relationship has never had boundaries and it took me a long time to realise this was not " normal " or healthy. Keep guarding your rules and protecting yourself won't you. Oh and thank you for asking about my baby. She is just lovely. Full of smiles and giggles and baby babble. I am trying so hard to not let all of this get on top of me so I can really enjoy her. It is hard at times as it always seems to be on my mind in one way or another, but I try and be in the moment as much as I can so I can really be the best for my family. Katrina and thank you also for your fantastic input. It sounds like you've both done really well setting up some clear boundaries with your Nadas as well. It was so helpful to read about how you both navigated your relationships. ,it is always great to be reminded of the 3 C's and FOG. Thanks heaps for that and for sharing your strategies. I really like your line " I can see you're having a bad day, so I'll see you later " . I feel I need to be armed with plans of attack and lines like that! Katrina, thanks for pointing out the importance of consequences as this seems to really complete the picture and I hadn't really thought that far ahead. Your advice about how to get her to comply with no phone messaging was really great, because I really want to stay strong on that, thank you. Oh, she cancelled our first catch up by the way. I kind of expected it, because I am calling the shots. She left some sad sounding messages on my machine first sounding slightly annoyed and asking if I could come to her house instead of meet for coffee. This was followed by one saying she was glad it didn't work out, because it was raining and she liked knowing I was home in the warm. I haven't responded to her because I don't want daily chit chat and I have told her I don't want phone contact because I don't know what to expect from her, so I want to keep strong on that. My plan is to just stick to seeing her at our planned time next week so that our arrangement doesn't become open for negotiation. She will be thinking I'm horrible because her reason for cancelling is a bad back. She is saying it's just as bad as it was when she first got the injury. I can tell she wants me to rush over there or will at least expect a make up visit, but I'm going to stick to our plan. I'll see how it goes I guess. Well, I've certainly crapped on again and written another lengthy one! Sorry about that! I can't thank you all enough for your great advice. I can't tell you how much it has helped! All the best for your journeys. With warmth, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 --- In WTOAdultChildren1 , Katrina Dear Fiona, Thanks so much for your response. I get so much from reading your posts too and feel I can relate so much to your experiences. I'm not sure mine are articulated any better. I do know that I always feel bad after I write anything here because I always feel I crap on so much and include every excruciating detail! Once I start, that's it, it all pours out! My partner is often in the background saying " Why do you always have to talk so much about your feelings? " LOL It really helps though. The support I find here is just amazing. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It has given me some hope and some idea of what to expect. I can't tell you how helpful that is to me at the moment. I think as you said I can expect it to be rocky at first, but with some persistence it could just work for both of us. You were spot on when you said it sounds like she has a fear of being abandoned. I think that is what all of her behaviour comes back to. I also think that you're right about clear routines helping them with their anxiety. It sounds like you've come a long way in setting some strong boundaries with your mother. That couldn't have been easy! I hope that your sense of guilt and responsibility is diminishing more and more. I have struggled a lot with that too, but am really moving through that lately, which is part of the reason I am hopeful that I might be able to maintain some emotional distance and create a workable dynamic with her. That has been especially difficult because our relationship has never had boundaries and it took me a long time to realise this was not " normal " or healthy. Keep guarding your rules and protecting yourself won't you. Oh and thank you for asking about my baby. She is just lovely. Full of smiles and giggles and baby babble. I am trying so hard to not let all of this get on top of me so I can really enjoy her. It is hard at times as it always seems to be on my mind in one way or another, but I try and be in the moment as much as I can so I can really be the best for my family. Katrina and thank you also for your fantastic input. It sounds like you've both done really well setting up some clear boundaries with your Nadas as well. It was so helpful to read about how you both navigated your relationships. ,it is always great to be reminded of the 3 C's and FOG. Thanks heaps for that and for sharing your strategies. I really like your line " I can see you're having a bad day, so I'll see you later " . I feel I need to be armed with plans of attack and lines like that! Katrina, thanks for pointing out the importance of consequences as this seems to really complete the picture and I hadn't really thought that far ahead. Your advice about how to get her to comply with no phone messaging was really great, because I really want to stay strong on that, thank you. Oh, she cancelled our first catch up by the way. I kind of expected it, because I am calling the shots. She left some sad sounding messages on my machine first sounding slightly annoyed and asking if I could come to her house instead of meet for coffee. This was followed by one saying she was glad it didn't work out, because it was raining and she liked knowing I was home in the warm. I haven't responded to her because I don't want daily chit chat and I have told her I don't want phone contact because I don't know what to expect from her, so I want to keep strong on that. My plan is to just stick to seeing her at our planned time next week so that our arrangement doesn't become open for negotiation. She will be thinking I'm horrible because her reason for cancelling is a bad back. She is saying it's just as bad as it was when she first got the injury. I can tell she wants me to rush over there or will at least expect a make up visit, but I'm going to stick to our plan. I'll see how it goes I guess. Well, I've certainly crapped on again and written another lengthy one! Sorry about that! I can't thank you all enough for your great advice. I can't tell you how much it has helped! All the best for your journeys. With warmth, Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 I agree with treating them like they are 2 yr olds, it does seem to help. I told nada in a letter that I don't want to hear the nasty trash talk from her anymore about other people or her belittling me and first thing she did was call me a f*cking b*tch in front of my 8 yr old niece so she was obviously throwing a temper tantrum. I am having to really consciously be careful what I say around her, more than I ever have in the past, and it helps a lot. I ignore her more now and don't feed into her tirades. Our interactions now are very business-like with hardly any emotions. I feel very cold and numb when I talk to her but it cannot be any other way. Just my thoughts. Good luck Lynda > >I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally > >crazy?!?!! > > > >The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I > >have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries > >with my mother. > > > >I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary > >setting and the difficult question of communicating these to > >Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from > >you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this > >process. > > > >I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong > >resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from > >more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, > >proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been > >contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I > >must say! > > > >Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. > >I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but > >without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. > >I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and > >has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So > >much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me > >sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say > >that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of > >insults! > > > >I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I > >have already told her this is because I don't know what to > >expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once > >a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my > >mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week > >to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she > >might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any > >crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > > > >Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this > >could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear > > " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think > >this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any > >attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > > > >I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I > >just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message > >you sometimes etc etc > > > >There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > > > >1. I no longer feel responsible for her > >happiness/behaviour/well-being. > > > >2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and > >not feel guilty about not seeing her. > > > >I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that > >if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my > >decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and > >decent thing by her. > > > >I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > > > > >Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > > > >With warmth, > > > >Lynda > > > > > > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------ > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO > >NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call > >888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > > " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving > >the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any > >bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 28, 2010 Report Share Posted July 28, 2010 I agree with treating them like they are 2 yr olds, it does seem to help. I told nada in a letter that I don't want to hear the nasty trash talk from her anymore about other people or her belittling me and first thing she did was call me a f*cking b*tch in front of my 8 yr old niece so she was obviously throwing a temper tantrum. I am having to really consciously be careful what I say around her, more than I ever have in the past, and it helps a lot. I ignore her more now and don't feed into her tirades. Our interactions now are very business-like with hardly any emotions. I feel very cold and numb when I talk to her but it cannot be any other way. Just my thoughts. Good luck Lynda > >I'm seeing her tomorrow and I'm wondering if I'm totally > >crazy?!?!! > > > >The last month has been incredibly emotionally draining as I > >have been trying to navigate my way through setting boundaries > >with my mother. > > > >I have been reading some great posts on this issue of boundary > >setting and the difficult question of communicating these to > >Nadas or not and I have received some fantastic support from > >you lovely folk here as I have been fumbling through this > >process. > > > >I have attempted L.C which has been met with some pretty strong > >resistance on her part, resulting in volatile behaviour, from > >more raging, insults and attacks to over the top praise, > >proclamations of love etc. Consequently I have been > >contemplating N.C and feeling fairly relieved at the prospect I > >must say! > > > >Nothing has seemed to work thus far and I have felt at a loss. > >I have tried to implement a weekly catch up with her, but > >without telling her my intentions and it was quite disastrous. > >I can tell she hasn't liked her control being taken away and > >has been desperately trying to work out the " new rules " . So > >much so that she messaged me to ask whether she could sms me > >sometimes to say nigh nigh or that she loved me. I must say > >that was just as infuriating as receiving a message full of > >insults! > > > >I stuck to my guns and said I would rather no sms contact (I > >have already told her this is because I don't know what to > >expect from her), but that I would be willing to meet her once > >a week for a coffee. My best friend who has known me and my > >mother forever suggested I do this - make a set time each week > >to see her. That way if she " misbehaves " I can withdraw and she > >might have incentive to behave if I don't put up with any > >crappy behaviour and refuse to see her. > > > >Well that is the reasoning anyway, but I'm wondering if this > >could actually work?? If setting up a routine with clear > > " rules " will help her behave. Or am I totally crazy to think > >this could work? I feel like she will try and sabotage any > >attempts on my part to gain control in the relationship. > > > >I am also worried that she will keep pushing and pushing- Can I > >just come over and see my grand daughter? Can I just message > >you sometimes etc etc > > > >There are a couple of factors that make me think it's possible: > > > >1. I no longer feel responsible for her > >happiness/behaviour/well-being. > > > >2. I could easily walk away if I don't like her behaviour and > >not feel guilty about not seeing her. > > > >I guess I just want to explore a few different options so that > >if I do decide it's necessary to go N.C, I can live with my > >decision knowing I have tried my hardest to do the fair and > >decent thing by her. > > > >I would love any thoughts, ideas about this. > > > > > >Dear God this is like preparing for combat. Sigh! > > > >With warmth, > > > >Lynda > > > > > > > > > > > > > >------------------------------------ > > > >Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at > >@... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO > >NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. > > > >To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call > >888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to > > " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving > >the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any > >bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! > > > > From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and > > author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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