Re: Re: walls and gates = romantic relationships

[Guest guest]

Can I jump in here? I started attending codependents anonymous through the

referral of a guy that was attending another 12 step addiction program. He has

been recovered for 2 years. Anyway, I was wondering if my initial attraction was

because  I heard about the addiction issues(he doesn't drink either), I think

my rescue radar went up. I thought albeit briefly, here is someone that needs my

help that I can rescue if you will. He is a very nice person. We both have

children on the autism spectrum. We went out alot but then broke down and had

sex. It just felt right and good.

Here's my dilemna. I scheduled a trip for my kids to see grandma the same

weekend that he didn't have his kids. I asked him if he wanted to spend some

time together. He answered an enthusiastic YES. Then he comes back and says that

he had tentatively planned a deck party although no invites had been sent. He

had mentioned it to a couple of people. He said let's discuss what to do. We

talked but didn't decided. Then after I open myself up emotionally and allowed

myself to be vulnerable, he comes back and says that he thinks he should go

ahead with his party.

The thing is I very rarely have time to myself because of my daughter. I was

looking forward to resting and just hanging out doing fun stuff. I don't want to

help or even watch him prepare for a party, entertain and then clean up. On top

of that I think he wants to invite this other woman that he was seeing before

and during the time he was seeing me. He didn't get physical with her although

she made it clear that she wanted to date and sleep with him. He said that she

wasn't for him. I was easy to talk. We went on a hike and I asked the question

about her and the status. The other woman and I met him the same evening at a

fundraiser but he started seeing her. She is the type that calls and invites and

he just goes along. But anyway, I asked I don't know exactly how I said it but

he basically told me that he thought she was prettier than me. I did ask the

question but I guess I expected to be lied to. I was hurt but glossed it over by

saying that I

shouldn't ask questions that I can't stand to hear the answer.

But when he told me that he wanted to have a party at his house in lieu of

spending the weekend with me, I just lost it. I felt so hurt and rejected. Plus

my work is causing me so much stress and then dealing with my daughter. I just

cried and cried and asked " who is going to take care of me? Why can't someone

take care of me just sometimes? " I just get so tired physically and emotionally.

My question to everyone-am I being codependent by being attracted to him? He is

a nice person. And am I over reacting to the rejection? I just feel so rejected

and not desired and wothless about myself. I feel like I opened myself up to

some one and once again, I get hurt. Thanks in advance.

 

Subject: Re: walls and gates = romantic relationships

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, July 25, 2010, 9:32 PM

 

, It kills me reading your situation. I've already been where you are now

except for one huge difference. I threw those morals to the wind and went crazy

for many years. It was very self defeating and quite horrible. All the sex in

the world will not take away that feeling of loneliness. I promise. It will also

not make the guys stay around. You have to believe me there. Most of them will

have sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere. No feelings necessary. If you think you

feel bad after a kiss and then no return texts, just imagine if you had gone any

further. It is a terrible feeling.

I ended up right where you are now, in college (from 25- 30), alone, no dates,

but with a little girl to raise alone. Your dream man will come along at the

perfect time in your life. I know it. Mine showed up around age 35. I believe

that with a lot more morals, wise decisions, and self love, he would have come

along a lot sooner. You are doing it all the right way. Stay strong and love

YOU.

PS> no more drunk texting, that never ends well.

>

> This is so off topic but I have to know:

>

> I met a guy, we hit it off instantaneously.. We were both a little tipsy and

> kissed. a lot, but nothing else. the next day he texted me .. and then we

> texted for a little he said I was hot and smokin and perfect (which im not

> but it was still flattering and a good sign), and nothing! I am going back

> to school far away in a month, and am 6 years younger than he is.. could

> this be the reason why he isn't texting back. Is it desperate if I text him:

> " I want to see you again when you're in the city, call me sometime. " ... I

> mean this is after a 2 week period of no texts, and the last text I sent was

> last weekend, I said " thinking of you. " I know mushy, but I was intoxicated,

> and just met someone so great, but so not for me, and so I was lonely and

> thinking about how much I liked this guy! And he didn't write me back.. I

> can't believe someone can seem so into you, and then nothing. I know I can't

> let some jerk make me feel bad about myself, but the truth is my pride is

> hurt. And I watch these tv shows like sex and the city, where these women

> are so confident and get men at the snap of their finger, and I feel like

> wow I am so much younger than these people, if I am not enjoying myself

> -carefree and flirtatious- with men when I am young, when am I going to do

> it?

>

> Here's the other revelation: men my own age are not attracted to me! I work

> at express, and part of my job is to greet. When guys my age come in and I

> say hello.. they barely look and nod, when men in their mid to late 20s come

> in, they smile a nice toothy smile and say hey how are you! In the movies,

> and in the novels, and shows, the men are supposed to ask for your number

> and then take you out on a few dates.. I mean, are guys nowadays too lazy to

> put in work.. do they expect to get laid without dating and romance. Here's

> the other thing I've been contemplating: Am I missing out by saving myself

> until the one I love comes along? Am I depriving myself of great sex, just

> because of my stupid moral conscious? I kissed a guy for the first time

> without dating the other day, and look where that got me.. nowhere. I just

> feel like wow, I am a really great catch, and it's not like I want to get

> married and have children, I just want to see a movie, walk in the park and

> make out under the stars, it's so 7th grade but that's okay. I just don't

> know why I have such a hard time getting guys to ask me out. They are

> attracted to me, but then nothing happens. They just look and walk away. And

> at parties, once they hear I'm leaving they run away.. And at school, all

> the guys are slutty because of the 60 female 40 male ratio. Any advice? I'm

> too young to join okcupid and deep down I want someone to be smitten with me

> from across the room, not a virtual playground.

>

> The thing is it's a Saturday night and I am alone, eating ramen noodles, and

> wearing my new jeans to sleep in hopes to break them in.. I guess I could

> have gone out .. but my best friend has a boy friend and we are on two

> different playing fields now.. She never wants to do the single stuff

> anymore.. UGH will I be lonely on Saturday night forever? And, why can't I

> stop eating. I gained like 13 lbs this year from stress and the pill to

> clear my acne, my nada, being stalked at college. I have so many unresolved

> issues, I guess I can answer my own questions: I can't have a boy friend

> right now because I need to learn how to love myself and resolve my issues

> before I can let someone in.

>

> These walls have to go though. I want to experiment flirting more with the

> customers.. Being a little more outgoing and confident.. let's see how it

> goes. God, I miss being wanted.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Felicia,

I may just be 19 years old, and I may not have all the male experience in

the world, but I am very intuitive and although it is hard for me to clearly

see the solutions to my own problems, I instantly see the problem with your

situation. You should not be with someone who dumps you because you aren't

" prettier " than the other woman, that is shallow. Also, the problem with

this scenario is that you were going to HIS party, cooking, cleaning,

helping to set up. So now, you are both unattractive and maid? You are a

beautiful person, he is the ugly one for being so superficial-- and believe

me the woman he is dating now will dump him for a guy with a bigger.....

heart. hehe.. 0=]

You must be so tired and emotionally drained, especially having to deal with

a borderline parent, and an autistic child. But, you shouldn't settle for

someone who doesn't treat you well, doesn't appreciate you or care that you

wanted to relax for the weekend. I wouldn't be friends with a person who

blatantly told me that they weren't going to see me because I wasn't pretty

enough for them..

KO's are conditioned to look for codependent relationships, and this guy

looks to you like the type of guy who needs " help " .. well unless he is

paying you by the hour to be his psychotherapist, I suggest you stop seeing

him!

If you could look at this from a rational, and unemotional perspective you

will see:

A. He isn't even a great catch because

B. He doesn't think you are attractive enough so he dumps you

C. He's got personal baggage, all those problems may be fun to fix at first,

but you are ALREADY tired without him and if with him, he is not going to be

taking care of YOU, you are going to be taking care of him, becoming more

tired and resentful of his babyish ways.

D. isn't receptive to your needs of needing to relax

E. I bet he's got bad credit, and doesn't even take you out on dates. Are

YOU always cooking him hearty meals and then sleeping with him? He should be

cooking for you and taking you out.

F. in the end, you know you can do better if you take the advice I got from

these many intelligent women:

Join a group for something you love to do. What are your interests? Don't

look for men in bars, clubs, or any kind of group that ends in Anonmyous

because these are men with unresolved issues, and you don't need another

baby to take care of, who is incapable of taking care of you back.. You want

to be with someone who is your equal, not a basket case.

Realize your worth, I can tell you over and over again.. you deserve it all,

you are a great, strong, smart, beautiful human being, woman, mother, lover,

but you must start to internalize it and believe it, make it come true for

yourself.

Exercise: A woman who looks good feels good, a woman who feels good, usually

looks good. When I am looking hot, I am confident and suddenly I really

believe that all those jerks that passed me up have problems of their own

that have nothing to do with me; they are just immature, and it is

ultimately their loss.

So Felicia, it is ultimately his loss. Don't call him anymore, and start

seeing/sleeping with a man who realizes that you are beautiful on the INSIDE

and OUTSIDE!

Take the weekend to relax, have a bubble bath, get a bikini wax and lay in

the summer sun.. Get your hair done, not into that? Read a book and put

special body lotion on, wearing a comfy robe.. Go to his party if you want

to socialize, but DO NOT offer to cook or clean or set up PLEASE if you do

those maid and mom-like things he will just be taking advantage of your

dwindling energy, and not caring while he's feeling up that other woman..

while you are cleaning the dishes.. Just awful.. Flirt with other guys, but

keep it classy and go home at a reasonable hour. Say you have somewhere to

be.. yes, you can pretend to be double booked.

I'm giving you tough love, because it's what I would need to hear had I been

in your situation and like I said when I'm in your situation (or something

similar to it) I lose my rationality and become sort of pathetic and

desperate sounding (I don't show it to the guy though, just within my own

head, I'm like what's wrong with me!!!!!)

But it isn't you, and because your problems aren't about me, I can look

outside myself, and see from another perspective that nothing is wrong with

me either. It's really them. You're not really into this codependent

annonymous guy, you're simply lonely and he was a warm body. You can and

will find better, cause this guy is the worst.

Love yourself for yourself and for all the women out there who deliberately

stay in empty relationships. I wish you strength and clarity to see your

beauty, exterior and within..

-

On Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 2:17 PM, Felicia Ward wrote:

>

>

> Can I jump in here? I started attending codependents anonymous through the

> referral of a guy that was attending another 12 step addiction program. He

> has been recovered for 2 years. Anyway, I was wondering if my initial

> attraction was because I heard about the addiction issues(he doesn't drink

> either), I think my rescue radar went up. I thought albeit briefly, here is

> someone that needs my help that I can rescue if you will. He is a very nice

> person. We both have children on the autism spectrum. We went out alot but

> then broke down and had sex. It just felt right and good.

> Here's my dilemna. I scheduled a trip for my kids to see grandma the same

> weekend that he didn't have his kids. I asked him if he wanted to spend some

> time together. He answered an enthusiastic YES. Then he comes back and says

> that he had tentatively planned a deck party although no invites had been

> sent. He had mentioned it to a couple of people. He said let's discuss what

> to do. We talked but didn't decided. Then after I open myself up emotionally

> and allowed myself to be vulnerable, he comes back and says that he thinks

> he should go ahead with his party.

> The thing is I very rarely have time to myself because of my daughter. I

> was looking forward to resting and just hanging out doing fun stuff. I don't

> want to help or even watch him prepare for a party, entertain and then clean

> up. On top of that I think he wants to invite this other woman that he was

> seeing before and during the time he was seeing me. He didn't get physical

> with her although she made it clear that she wanted to date and sleep with

> him. He said that she wasn't for him. I was easy to talk. We went on a hike

> and I asked the question about her and the status. The other woman and I met

> him the same evening at a fundraiser but he started seeing her. She is the

> type that calls and invites and he just goes along. But anyway, I asked I

> don't know exactly how I said it but he basically told me that he thought

> she was prettier than me. I did ask the question but I guess I expected to

> be lied to. I was hurt but glossed it over by saying that I

> shouldn't ask questions that I can't stand to hear the answer.

> But when he told me that he wanted to have a party at his house in lieu of

> spending the weekend with me, I just lost it. I felt so hurt and rejected.

> Plus my work is causing me so much stress and then dealing with my daughter.

> I just cried and cried and asked " who is going to take care of me? Why can't

> someone take care of me just sometimes? " I just get so tired physically and

> emotionally.

> My question to everyone-am I being codependent by being attracted to him?

> He is a nice person. And am I over reacting to the rejection? I just feel so

> rejected and not desired and wothless about myself. I feel like I opened

> myself up to some one and once again, I get hurt. Thanks in advance.

>

>

>

>

>

> From: Wendi <westsidelc777@... <westsidelc777%40yahoo.com>>

> Subject: Re: walls and gates = romantic relationships

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Sunday, July 25, 2010, 9:32 PM

>

>

>

>

> , It kills me reading your situation. I've already been where you

> are now except for one huge difference. I threw those morals to the wind and

> went crazy for many years. It was very self defeating and quite horrible.

> All the sex in the world will not take away that feeling of loneliness. I

> promise. It will also not make the guys stay around. You have to believe me

> there. Most of them will have sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere. No

> feelings necessary. If you think you feel bad after a kiss and then no

> return texts, just imagine if you had gone any further. It is a terrible

> feeling.

> I ended up right where you are now, in college (from 25- 30), alone, no

> dates, but with a little girl to raise alone. Your dream man will come along

> at the perfect time in your life. I know it. Mine showed up around age 35. I

> believe that with a lot more morals, wise decisions, and self love, he would

> have come along a lot sooner. You are doing it all the right way. Stay

> strong and love YOU.

> PS> no more drunk texting, that never ends well.

>

>

> >

> > This is so off topic but I have to know:

> >

> > I met a guy, we hit it off instantaneously.. We were both a little tipsy

> and

> > kissed. a lot, but nothing else. the next day he texted me .. and then we

> > texted for a little he said I was hot and smokin and perfect (which im

> not

> > but it was still flattering and a good sign), and nothing! I am going

> back

> > to school far away in a month, and am 6 years younger than he is.. could

> > this be the reason why he isn't texting back. Is it desperate if I text

> him:

> > " I want to see you again when you're in the city, call me sometime. " ...

> I

> > mean this is after a 2 week period of no texts, and the last text I sent

> was

> > last weekend, I said " thinking of you. " I know mushy, but I was

> intoxicated,

> > and just met someone so great, but so not for me, and so I was lonely and

> > thinking about how much I liked this guy! And he didn't write me back.. I

> > can't believe someone can seem so into you, and then nothing. I know I

> can't

> > let some jerk make me feel bad about myself, but the truth is my pride is

> > hurt. And I watch these tv shows like sex and the city, where these women

> > are so confident and get men at the snap of their finger, and I feel like

> > wow I am so much younger than these people, if I am not enjoying myself

> > -carefree and flirtatious- with men when I am young, when am I going to

> do

> > it?

> >

> > Here's the other revelation: men my own age are not attracted to me! I

> work

> > at express, and part of my job is to greet. When guys my age come in and

> I

> > say hello.. they barely look and nod, when men in their mid to late 20s

> come

> > in, they smile a nice toothy smile and say hey how are you! In the

> movies,

> > and in the novels, and shows, the men are supposed to ask for your number

> > and then take you out on a few dates.. I mean, are guys nowadays too lazy

> to

> > put in work.. do they expect to get laid without dating and romance.

> Here's

> > the other thing I've been contemplating: Am I missing out by saving

> myself

> > until the one I love comes along? Am I depriving myself of great sex,

> just

> > because of my stupid moral conscious? I kissed a guy for the first time

> > without dating the other day, and look where that got me.. nowhere. I

> just

> > feel like wow, I am a really great catch, and it's not like I want to get

> > married and have children, I just want to see a movie, walk in the park

> and

> > make out under the stars, it's so 7th grade but that's okay. I just don't

> > know why I have such a hard time getting guys to ask me out. They are

> > attracted to me, but then nothing happens. They just look and walk away.

> And

> > at parties, once they hear I'm leaving they run away.. And at school, all

> > the guys are slutty because of the 60 female 40 male ratio. Any advice?

> I'm

> > too young to join okcupid and deep down I want someone to be smitten with

> me

> > from across the room, not a virtual playground.

> >

> > The thing is it's a Saturday night and I am alone, eating ramen noodles,

> and

> > wearing my new jeans to sleep in hopes to break them in.. I guess I could

> > have gone out .. but my best friend has a boy friend and we are on two

> > different playing fields now.. She never wants to do the single stuff

> > anymore.. UGH will I be lonely on Saturday night forever? And, why can't

> I

> > stop eating. I gained like 13 lbs this year from stress and the pill to

> > clear my acne, my nada, being stalked at college. I have so many

> unresolved

> > issues, I guess I can answer my own questions: I can't have a boy friend

> > right now because I need to learn how to love myself and resolve my

> issues

> > before I can let someone in.

> >

> > These walls have to go though. I want to experiment flirting more with

> the

> > customers.. Being a little more outgoing and confident.. let's see how it

> > goes. God, I miss being wanted.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hey Felicia,

I may just be 19 years old, and I may not have all the male experience in

the world, but I am very intuitive and although it is hard for me to clearly

see the solutions to my own problems, I instantly see the problem with your

situation. You should not be with someone who dumps you because you aren't

" prettier " than the other woman, that is shallow. Also, the problem with

this scenario is that you were going to HIS party, cooking, cleaning,

helping to set up. So now, you are both unattractive and maid? You are a

beautiful person, he is the ugly one for being so superficial-- and believe

me the woman he is dating now will dump him for a guy with a bigger.....

heart. hehe.. 0=]

You must be so tired and emotionally drained, especially having to deal with

a borderline parent, and an autistic child. But, you shouldn't settle for

someone who doesn't treat you well, doesn't appreciate you or care that you

wanted to relax for the weekend. I wouldn't be friends with a person who

blatantly told me that they weren't going to see me because I wasn't pretty

enough for them..

KO's are conditioned to look for codependent relationships, and this guy

looks to you like the type of guy who needs " help " .. well unless he is

paying you by the hour to be his psychotherapist, I suggest you stop seeing

him!

If you could look at this from a rational, and unemotional perspective you

will see:

A. He isn't even a great catch because

B. He doesn't think you are attractive enough so he dumps you

C. He's got personal baggage, all those problems may be fun to fix at first,

but you are ALREADY tired without him and if with him, he is not going to be

taking care of YOU, you are going to be taking care of him, becoming more

tired and resentful of his babyish ways.

D. isn't receptive to your needs of needing to relax

E. I bet he's got bad credit, and doesn't even take you out on dates. Are

YOU always cooking him hearty meals and then sleeping with him? He should be

cooking for you and taking you out.

F. in the end, you know you can do better if you take the advice I got from

these many intelligent women:

Join a group for something you love to do. What are your interests? Don't

look for men in bars, clubs, or any kind of group that ends in Anonmyous

because these are men with unresolved issues, and you don't need another

baby to take care of, who is incapable of taking care of you back.. You want

to be with someone who is your equal, not a basket case.

Realize your worth, I can tell you over and over again.. you deserve it all,

you are a great, strong, smart, beautiful human being, woman, mother, lover,

but you must start to internalize it and believe it, make it come true for

yourself.

Exercise: A woman who looks good feels good, a woman who feels good, usually

looks good. When I am looking hot, I am confident and suddenly I really

believe that all those jerks that passed me up have problems of their own

that have nothing to do with me; they are just immature, and it is

ultimately their loss.

So Felicia, it is ultimately his loss. Don't call him anymore, and start

seeing/sleeping with a man who realizes that you are beautiful on the INSIDE

and OUTSIDE!

Take the weekend to relax, have a bubble bath, get a bikini wax and lay in

the summer sun.. Get your hair done, not into that? Read a book and put

special body lotion on, wearing a comfy robe.. Go to his party if you want

to socialize, but DO NOT offer to cook or clean or set up PLEASE if you do

those maid and mom-like things he will just be taking advantage of your

dwindling energy, and not caring while he's feeling up that other woman..

while you are cleaning the dishes.. Just awful.. Flirt with other guys, but

keep it classy and go home at a reasonable hour. Say you have somewhere to

be.. yes, you can pretend to be double booked.

I'm giving you tough love, because it's what I would need to hear had I been

in your situation and like I said when I'm in your situation (or something

similar to it) I lose my rationality and become sort of pathetic and

desperate sounding (I don't show it to the guy though, just within my own

head, I'm like what's wrong with me!!!!!)

But it isn't you, and because your problems aren't about me, I can look

outside myself, and see from another perspective that nothing is wrong with

me either. It's really them. You're not really into this codependent

annonymous guy, you're simply lonely and he was a warm body. You can and

will find better, cause this guy is the worst.

Love yourself for yourself and for all the women out there who deliberately

stay in empty relationships. I wish you strength and clarity to see your

beauty, exterior and within..

-

On Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 2:17 PM, Felicia Ward wrote:

>

>

> Can I jump in here? I started attending codependents anonymous through the

> referral of a guy that was attending another 12 step addiction program. He

> has been recovered for 2 years. Anyway, I was wondering if my initial

> attraction was because I heard about the addiction issues(he doesn't drink

> either), I think my rescue radar went up. I thought albeit briefly, here is

> someone that needs my help that I can rescue if you will. He is a very nice

> person. We both have children on the autism spectrum. We went out alot but

> then broke down and had sex. It just felt right and good.

> Here's my dilemna. I scheduled a trip for my kids to see grandma the same

> weekend that he didn't have his kids. I asked him if he wanted to spend some

> time together. He answered an enthusiastic YES. Then he comes back and says

> that he had tentatively planned a deck party although no invites had been

> sent. He had mentioned it to a couple of people. He said let's discuss what

> to do. We talked but didn't decided. Then after I open myself up emotionally

> and allowed myself to be vulnerable, he comes back and says that he thinks

> he should go ahead with his party.

> The thing is I very rarely have time to myself because of my daughter. I

> was looking forward to resting and just hanging out doing fun stuff. I don't

> want to help or even watch him prepare for a party, entertain and then clean

> up. On top of that I think he wants to invite this other woman that he was

> seeing before and during the time he was seeing me. He didn't get physical

> with her although she made it clear that she wanted to date and sleep with

> him. He said that she wasn't for him. I was easy to talk. We went on a hike

> and I asked the question about her and the status. The other woman and I met

> him the same evening at a fundraiser but he started seeing her. She is the

> type that calls and invites and he just goes along. But anyway, I asked I

> don't know exactly how I said it but he basically told me that he thought

> she was prettier than me. I did ask the question but I guess I expected to

> be lied to. I was hurt but glossed it over by saying that I

> shouldn't ask questions that I can't stand to hear the answer.

> But when he told me that he wanted to have a party at his house in lieu of

> spending the weekend with me, I just lost it. I felt so hurt and rejected.

> Plus my work is causing me so much stress and then dealing with my daughter.

> I just cried and cried and asked " who is going to take care of me? Why can't

> someone take care of me just sometimes? " I just get so tired physically and

> emotionally.

> My question to everyone-am I being codependent by being attracted to him?

> He is a nice person. And am I over reacting to the rejection? I just feel so

> rejected and not desired and wothless about myself. I feel like I opened

> myself up to some one and once again, I get hurt. Thanks in advance.

>

>

>

>

>

> From: Wendi <westsidelc777@... <westsidelc777%40yahoo.com>>

> Subject: Re: walls and gates = romantic relationships

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Sunday, July 25, 2010, 9:32 PM

>

>

>

>

> , It kills me reading your situation. I've already been where you

> are now except for one huge difference. I threw those morals to the wind and

> went crazy for many years. It was very self defeating and quite horrible.

> All the sex in the world will not take away that feeling of loneliness. I

> promise. It will also not make the guys stay around. You have to believe me

> there. Most of them will have sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere. No

> feelings necessary. If you think you feel bad after a kiss and then no

> return texts, just imagine if you had gone any further. It is a terrible

> feeling.

> I ended up right where you are now, in college (from 25- 30), alone, no

> dates, but with a little girl to raise alone. Your dream man will come along

> at the perfect time in your life. I know it. Mine showed up around age 35. I

> believe that with a lot more morals, wise decisions, and self love, he would

> have come along a lot sooner. You are doing it all the right way. Stay

> strong and love YOU.

> PS> no more drunk texting, that never ends well.

>

>

> >

> > This is so off topic but I have to know:

> >

> > I met a guy, we hit it off instantaneously.. We were both a little tipsy

> and

> > kissed. a lot, but nothing else. the next day he texted me .. and then we

> > texted for a little he said I was hot and smokin and perfect (which im

> not

> > but it was still flattering and a good sign), and nothing! I am going

> back

> > to school far away in a month, and am 6 years younger than he is.. could

> > this be the reason why he isn't texting back. Is it desperate if I text

> him:

> > " I want to see you again when you're in the city, call me sometime. " ...

> I

> > mean this is after a 2 week period of no texts, and the last text I sent

> was

> > last weekend, I said " thinking of you. " I know mushy, but I was

> intoxicated,

> > and just met someone so great, but so not for me, and so I was lonely and

> > thinking about how much I liked this guy! And he didn't write me back.. I

> > can't believe someone can seem so into you, and then nothing. I know I

> can't

> > let some jerk make me feel bad about myself, but the truth is my pride is

> > hurt. And I watch these tv shows like sex and the city, where these women

> > are so confident and get men at the snap of their finger, and I feel like

> > wow I am so much younger than these people, if I am not enjoying myself

> > -carefree and flirtatious- with men when I am young, when am I going to

> do

> > it?

> >

> > Here's the other revelation: men my own age are not attracted to me! I

> work

> > at express, and part of my job is to greet. When guys my age come in and

> I

> > say hello.. they barely look and nod, when men in their mid to late 20s

> come

> > in, they smile a nice toothy smile and say hey how are you! In the

> movies,

> > and in the novels, and shows, the men are supposed to ask for your number

> > and then take you out on a few dates.. I mean, are guys nowadays too lazy

> to

> > put in work.. do they expect to get laid without dating and romance.

> Here's

> > the other thing I've been contemplating: Am I missing out by saving

> myself

> > until the one I love comes along? Am I depriving myself of great sex,

> just

> > because of my stupid moral conscious? I kissed a guy for the first time

> > without dating the other day, and look where that got me.. nowhere. I

> just

> > feel like wow, I am a really great catch, and it's not like I want to get

> > married and have children, I just want to see a movie, walk in the park

> and

> > make out under the stars, it's so 7th grade but that's okay. I just don't

> > know why I have such a hard time getting guys to ask me out. They are

> > attracted to me, but then nothing happens. They just look and walk away.

> And

> > at parties, once they hear I'm leaving they run away.. And at school, all

> > the guys are slutty because of the 60 female 40 male ratio. Any advice?

> I'm

> > too young to join okcupid and deep down I want someone to be smitten with

> me

> > from across the room, not a virtual playground.

> >

> > The thing is it's a Saturday night and I am alone, eating ramen noodles,

> and

> > wearing my new jeans to sleep in hopes to break them in.. I guess I could

> > have gone out .. but my best friend has a boy friend and we are on two

> > different playing fields now.. She never wants to do the single stuff

> > anymore.. UGH will I be lonely on Saturday night forever? And, why can't

> I

> > stop eating. I gained like 13 lbs this year from stress and the pill to

> > clear my acne, my nada, being stalked at college. I have so many

> unresolved

> > issues, I guess I can answer my own questions: I can't have a boy friend

> > right now because I need to learn how to love myself and resolve my

> issues

> > before I can let someone in.

> >

> > These walls have to go though. I want to experiment flirting more with

> the

> > customers.. Being a little more outgoing and confident.. let's see how it

> > goes. God, I miss being wanted.

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hey Felicia,

I may just be 19 years old, and I may not have all the male experience in

the world, but I am very intuitive and although it is hard for me to clearly

see the solutions to my own problems, I instantly see the problem with your

situation. You should not be with someone who dumps you because you aren't

" prettier " than the other woman, that is shallow. Also, the problem with

this scenario is that you were going to HIS party, cooking, cleaning,

helping to set up. So now, you are both unattractive and maid? You are a

beautiful person, he is the ugly one for being so superficial-- and believe

me the woman he is dating now will dump him for a guy with a bigger.....

heart. hehe.. 0=]

You must be so tired and emotionally drained, especially having to deal with

a borderline parent, and an autistic child. But, you shouldn't settle for

someone who doesn't treat you well, doesn't appreciate you or care that you

wanted to relax for the weekend. I wouldn't be friends with a person who

blatantly told me that they weren't going to see me because I wasn't pretty

enough for them..

KO's are conditioned to look for codependent relationships, and this guy

looks to you like the type of guy who needs " help " .. well unless he is

paying you by the hour to be his psychotherapist, I suggest you stop seeing

him!

If you could look at this from a rational, and unemotional perspective you

will see:

A. He isn't even a great catch because

B. He doesn't think you are attractive enough so he dumps you

C. He's got personal baggage, all those problems may be fun to fix at first,

but you are ALREADY tired without him and if with him, he is not going to be

taking care of YOU, you are going to be taking care of him, becoming more

tired and resentful of his babyish ways.

D. isn't receptive to your needs of needing to relax

E. I bet he's got bad credit, and doesn't even take you out on dates. Are

YOU always cooking him hearty meals and then sleeping with him? He should be

cooking for you and taking you out.

F. in the end, you know you can do better if you take the advice I got from

these many intelligent women:

Join a group for something you love to do. What are your interests? Don't

look for men in bars, clubs, or any kind of group that ends in Anonmyous

because these are men with unresolved issues, and you don't need another

baby to take care of, who is incapable of taking care of you back.. You want

to be with someone who is your equal, not a basket case.

Realize your worth, I can tell you over and over again.. you deserve it all,

you are a great, strong, smart, beautiful human being, woman, mother, lover,

but you must start to internalize it and believe it, make it come true for

yourself.

Exercise: A woman who looks good feels good, a woman who feels good, usually

looks good. When I am looking hot, I am confident and suddenly I really

believe that all those jerks that passed me up have problems of their own

that have nothing to do with me; they are just immature, and it is

ultimately their loss.

So Felicia, it is ultimately his loss. Don't call him anymore, and start

seeing/sleeping with a man who realizes that you are beautiful on the INSIDE

and OUTSIDE!

Take the weekend to relax, have a bubble bath, get a bikini wax and lay in

the summer sun.. Get your hair done, not into that? Read a book and put

special body lotion on, wearing a comfy robe.. Go to his party if you want

to socialize, but DO NOT offer to cook or clean or set up PLEASE if you do

those maid and mom-like things he will just be taking advantage of your

dwindling energy, and not caring while he's feeling up that other woman..

while you are cleaning the dishes.. Just awful.. Flirt with other guys, but

keep it classy and go home at a reasonable hour. Say you have somewhere to

be.. yes, you can pretend to be double booked.

I'm giving you tough love, because it's what I would need to hear had I been

in your situation and like I said when I'm in your situation (or something

similar to it) I lose my rationality and become sort of pathetic and

desperate sounding (I don't show it to the guy though, just within my own

head, I'm like what's wrong with me!!!!!)

But it isn't you, and because your problems aren't about me, I can look

outside myself, and see from another perspective that nothing is wrong with

me either. It's really them. You're not really into this codependent

annonymous guy, you're simply lonely and he was a warm body. You can and

will find better, cause this guy is the worst.

Love yourself for yourself and for all the women out there who deliberately

stay in empty relationships. I wish you strength and clarity to see your

beauty, exterior and within..

-

On Tue, Jul 27, 2010 at 2:17 PM, Felicia Ward wrote:

>

>

> Can I jump in here? I started attending codependents anonymous through the

> referral of a guy that was attending another 12 step addiction program. He

> has been recovered for 2 years. Anyway, I was wondering if my initial

> attraction was because I heard about the addiction issues(he doesn't drink

> either), I think my rescue radar went up. I thought albeit briefly, here is

> someone that needs my help that I can rescue if you will. He is a very nice

> person. We both have children on the autism spectrum. We went out alot but

> then broke down and had sex. It just felt right and good.

> Here's my dilemna. I scheduled a trip for my kids to see grandma the same

> weekend that he didn't have his kids. I asked him if he wanted to spend some

> time together. He answered an enthusiastic YES. Then he comes back and says

> that he had tentatively planned a deck party although no invites had been

> sent. He had mentioned it to a couple of people. He said let's discuss what

> to do. We talked but didn't decided. Then after I open myself up emotionally

> and allowed myself to be vulnerable, he comes back and says that he thinks

> he should go ahead with his party.

> The thing is I very rarely have time to myself because of my daughter. I

> was looking forward to resting and just hanging out doing fun stuff. I don't

> want to help or even watch him prepare for a party, entertain and then clean

> up. On top of that I think he wants to invite this other woman that he was

> seeing before and during the time he was seeing me. He didn't get physical

> with her although she made it clear that she wanted to date and sleep with

> him. He said that she wasn't for him. I was easy to talk. We went on a hike

> and I asked the question about her and the status. The other woman and I met

> him the same evening at a fundraiser but he started seeing her. She is the

> type that calls and invites and he just goes along. But anyway, I asked I

> don't know exactly how I said it but he basically told me that he thought

> she was prettier than me. I did ask the question but I guess I expected to

> be lied to. I was hurt but glossed it over by saying that I

> shouldn't ask questions that I can't stand to hear the answer.

> But when he told me that he wanted to have a party at his house in lieu of

> spending the weekend with me, I just lost it. I felt so hurt and rejected.

> Plus my work is causing me so much stress and then dealing with my daughter.

> I just cried and cried and asked " who is going to take care of me? Why can't

> someone take care of me just sometimes? " I just get so tired physically and

> emotionally.

> My question to everyone-am I being codependent by being attracted to him?

> He is a nice person. And am I over reacting to the rejection? I just feel so

> rejected and not desired and wothless about myself. I feel like I opened

> myself up to some one and once again, I get hurt. Thanks in advance.

>

>

>

>

>

> From: Wendi <westsidelc777@... <westsidelc777%40yahoo.com>>

> Subject: Re: walls and gates = romantic relationships

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Sunday, July 25, 2010, 9:32 PM

>

>

>

>

> , It kills me reading your situation. I've already been where you

> are now except for one huge difference. I threw those morals to the wind and

> went crazy for many years. It was very self defeating and quite horrible.

> All the sex in the world will not take away that feeling of loneliness. I

> promise. It will also not make the guys stay around. You have to believe me

> there. Most of them will have sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere. No

> feelings necessary. If you think you feel bad after a kiss and then no

> return texts, just imagine if you had gone any further. It is a terrible

> feeling.

> I ended up right where you are now, in college (from 25- 30), alone, no

> dates, but with a little girl to raise alone. Your dream man will come along

> at the perfect time in your life. I know it. Mine showed up around age 35. I

> believe that with a lot more morals, wise decisions, and self love, he would

> have come along a lot sooner. You are doing it all the right way. Stay

> strong and love YOU.

> PS> no more drunk texting, that never ends well.

>

>

> >

> > This is so off topic but I have to know:

> >

> > I met a guy, we hit it off instantaneously.. We were both a little tipsy

> and

> > kissed. a lot, but nothing else. the next day he texted me .. and then we

> > texted for a little he said I was hot and smokin and perfect (which im

> not

> > but it was still flattering and a good sign), and nothing! I am going

> back

> > to school far away in a month, and am 6 years younger than he is.. could

> > this be the reason why he isn't texting back. Is it desperate if I text

> him:

> > " I want to see you again when you're in the city, call me sometime. " ...

> I

> > mean this is after a 2 week period of no texts, and the last text I sent

> was

> > last weekend, I said " thinking of you. " I know mushy, but I was

> intoxicated,

> > and just met someone so great, but so not for me, and so I was lonely and

> > thinking about how much I liked this guy! And he didn't write me back.. I

> > can't believe someone can seem so into you, and then nothing. I know I

> can't

> > let some jerk make me feel bad about myself, but the truth is my pride is

> > hurt. And I watch these tv shows like sex and the city, where these women

> > are so confident and get men at the snap of their finger, and I feel like

> > wow I am so much younger than these people, if I am not enjoying myself

> > -carefree and flirtatious- with men when I am young, when am I going to

> do

> > it?

> >

> > Here's the other revelation: men my own age are not attracted to me! I

> work

> > at express, and part of my job is to greet. When guys my age come in and

> I

> > say hello.. they barely look and nod, when men in their mid to late 20s

> come

> > in, they smile a nice toothy smile and say hey how are you! In the

> movies,

> > and in the novels, and shows, the men are supposed to ask for your number

> > and then take you out on a few dates.. I mean, are guys nowadays too lazy

> to

> > put in work.. do they expect to get laid without dating and romance.

> Here's

> > the other thing I've been contemplating: Am I missing out by saving

> myself

> > until the one I love comes along? Am I depriving myself of great sex,

> just

> > because of my stupid moral conscious? I kissed a guy for the first time

> > without dating the other day, and look where that got me.. nowhere. I

> just

> > feel like wow, I am a really great catch, and it's not like I want to get

> > married and have children, I just want to see a movie, walk in the park

> and

> > make out under the stars, it's so 7th grade but that's okay. I just don't

> > know why I have such a hard time getting guys to ask me out. They are

> > attracted to me, but then nothing happens. They just look and walk away.

> And

> > at parties, once they hear I'm leaving they run away.. And at school, all

> > the guys are slutty because of the 60 female 40 male ratio. Any advice?

> I'm

> > too young to join okcupid and deep down I want someone to be smitten with

> me

> > from across the room, not a virtual playground.

> >

> > The thing is it's a Saturday night and I am alone, eating ramen noodles,

> and

> > wearing my new jeans to sleep in hopes to break them in.. I guess I could

> > have gone out .. but my best friend has a boy friend and we are on two

> > different playing fields now.. She never wants to do the single stuff

> > anymore.. UGH will I be lonely on Saturday night forever? And, why can't

> I

> > stop eating. I gained like 13 lbs this year from stress and the pill to

> > clear my acne, my nada, being stalked at college. I have so many

> unresolved

> > issues, I guess I can answer my own questions: I can't have a boy friend

> > right now because I need to learn how to love myself and resolve my

> issues

> > before I can let someone in.

> >

> > These walls have to go though. I want to experiment flirting more with

> the

> > customers.. Being a little more outgoing and confident.. let's see how it

> > goes. God, I miss being wanted.

> >

> >

> >