Re: Re: walls and gates = romantic relationships

July 26, 2010

Thank you to all of the tough love advice.

I just want to be friends with lots of people now, men and women.. I don't

think that you can look for love, it just has to happen naturally.

I just feel so bad about what happened today.. I am trying to pull down my

walls and be more outgoing and make new friends -- There's a guy at work, a

co-worker who I thought would be nice to get to know as a friend.. I wanted

to step outside my comfort zone and ask him to hang out... We've been

working together for 3 months, he knows who I am.. I had his number from

asking him to cover my shift when I was sick 2 months ago, and after that I

never called or texted, and either did he. At work, he's really nice to me,

he rubs my back and arm when saying hello and goodbye, he is always helpful

and smiling at me.. and then moody other days, but I'm also cold sometimes.

weird, but I'm not looking for anything at all with him I just want to be

friends. So I texted him tonight: Hey, it's kristen from work wanna hang out

this weekend?

Then he replied: Hey! ? please Refresh my mind.

me: oh stop you know exactly who I am you're always looking out for me at

work because I'm clumsy but cute..

(which is true because he is always coming to my rescue at work, and he even

looked me in the eye and said you know I look out for you right.. we hugged

goodbye at the train he knows who I am!)

him: haha I swear I have no idea. give me more details.

(This is getting ridiculous)

me; maybe I've got the wrong guy because oliver can describe me to a tee.

What would he say?

him: No, somehow you got the right number. Well I have to know who you are

first =]. just tell me when you see me at work.

me: hmm I wanted to hang out outside of work, but your loss =]

him: hmm what do you want to do?

me: something fun, you seem like a cool guy to be friends with

him: oh thank you that's very nice of you. well I have to know who u r first

=] so next time you're at work wink at me or something

Him: I'm going to bed now, you have a good night =]

Me: not gonna wink at you at work, that's corny and I will have a good

night..

end of texting.

This guy loves to play games.. It's kind of pathetic that I even went along

with his " oh who is this bit " again and again. So much for being outgoing, I

get rejected by my co-worker. The good thing is my friend eric asked me to

lunch on sunday and paid; my gay friend eric, and it was the best date I've

been on in .. oh my whole life.

Just because Oliver turns out to be an immature player with short term

memory doesn't mean I'm not going to give up on making more of a social

life!

I'm so over beer goggle boy .. I mean.. He gets back to me like Oh I

apologize my dad's been in the hospital the day after we met and I've just

been consumed with crap.. I have no objection seeing you again, and also

I've been wondering do you spell your name kristen cubero..

The next day I wrote back that I was sorry about his dad, great to hear he's

finally home and great to hear back from you..

And he never texted back again. I deleted his number and all his text

messages and then read all of your advice..

I guess that book " Men love bitches " is really true.. I am way too nice to

guys.. But this is me, I shouldn't have to pretend to be something I am

not.. You guys are right, I need to start hanging out in interesting places,

cultivating my life and becoming more well rounded.. who cares whether or

not I meet someone out of it,, I'm only 19..

On Mon, Jul 26, 2010 at 1:25 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

> - From the standpoint of an old person, who nonetheless was once in

> your shoes, here are some thoughts:

>

> I don't know what the deal was with the " brief encounter " guy, but being " a

> little tipsy " (or a lot drunk) isn't a great way to meet a new boyfriend.

> The term " beer goggles " comes to mind... so maybe he was never interested,

> maybe he was but got busy, maybe he ran into somebody older whose lifestyle

> matches his - maybe he's a jerk, maybe not. No telling. This is one of those

> situations you just chalk up to experience (you got to practice kissing!),

> and move on. Don't spend a lot of time worrying about him, or the time you

> spent together.

>

> Likewise, the guys who come into the store where you work aren't looking

> for a girlfriend, they're looking for a shirt or a pair of pants. If you

> seem " invisible " to them, it's because they're focused on a shopping list at

> the moment. As an employee, you're not immediately identifiable as

> date-bait. Work isn't the place to meet guys (i.e. customers). You can stand

> at the door, yearning for love, and they still won't pick up on it. Guys are

> kind of single-minded that way...

>

> A sociology professor I had years ago told us that we would not likely meet

> our mate at a bar, and that we should look for him/her at church instead.

> That seemed really simplistic and ridiculously old-fashioned at the time

> (and still does) but what he was saying was this - when you're looking for

> someone to date - or be your boyfriend - you need to look where there is a

> high concentration of guys you'd like to get to know. Men swilling beer in a

> bar or funneling from a keg at a frat party - this isn't a good hunting

> ground, if you get my drift. As somebody who married a man and is raising a

> son, I can also guarantee you that going to the premiere of one of those

> " Twilight " movies will NOT get you surrounded by guys, nor will hanging

> around the girl's dorm, sighing about your lack of a love life. You have to

> go " where the boys are. "

>

> So when you get to school, even if there's a 60:40 gender split, you have

> to find the places where your fellow students of the male persuasion

> congregate, then pick some of those venues where you can be comfortable. Do

> they play Ultimate Frisbee? Do they watch intramural sports? Can you bear to

> get involved in something like that? Or, if you're the outdoorsy type, does

> your college rec department have a bulletin board for kayaking trips, hiking

> outings, or sharing expenses for travel? That would give you an instant

> topic for easy conversation, and let you assess your fellow travelers -

> whether they are competent, or just buffoons. Or what about playing in a

> pickup band? Joining the swing dance club? doing a service project with the

> environmental club? There MUST be something you're interested in that would

> also draw some like-minded guys. And keep in mind that people who are

> interestED in something are interestING to talk to.

>

> Even if you don't meet the man of your dreams, you'll wind up being a

> better-rounded person with some new friends. Those friends might have other

> friends who can lead you to somebody to love. You never know.

>

> Good luck with it - I hope you find a fabulous guy who thinks you're the

> most incredible woman in the world. Or at least that you have a good time

> looking!

>

> >

> > This is so off topic but I have to know:

> >

> > I met a guy, we hit it off instantaneously.. We were both a little tipsy

> and

> > kissed. a lot, but nothing else. the next day he texted me .. and then we

> > texted for a little he said I was hot and smokin and perfect (which im

> not

> > but it was still flattering and a good sign), and nothing! I am going

> back

> > to school far away in a month, and am 6 years younger than he is.. could

> > this be the reason why he isn't texting back. Is it desperate if I text

> him:

> > " I want to see you again when you're in the city, call me sometime. " ...

> I

> > mean this is after a 2 week period of no texts, and the last text I sent

> was

> > last weekend, I said " thinking of you. " I know mushy, but I was

> intoxicated,

> > and just met someone so great, but so not for me, and so I was lonely and

> > thinking about how much I liked this guy! And he didn't write me back.. I

> > can't believe someone can seem so into you, and then nothing. I know I

> can't

> > let some jerk make me feel bad about myself, but the truth is my pride is

> > hurt. And I watch these tv shows like sex and the city, where these women

> > are so confident and get men at the snap of their finger, and I feel like

> > wow I am so much younger than these people, if I am not enjoying myself

> > -carefree and flirtatious- with men when I am young, when am I going to

> do

> > it?

> >

> > Here's the other revelation: men my own age are not attracted to me! I

> work

> > at express, and part of my job is to greet. When guys my age come in and

> I

> > say hello.. they barely look and nod, when men in their mid to late 20s

> come

> > in, they smile a nice toothy smile and say hey how are you! In the

> movies,

> > and in the novels, and shows, the men are supposed to ask for your number

> > and then take you out on a few dates.. I mean, are guys nowadays too lazy

> to

> > put in work.. do they expect to get laid without dating and romance.

> Here's

> > the other thing I've been contemplating: Am I missing out by saving

> myself

> > until the one I love comes along? Am I depriving myself of great sex,

> just

> > because of my stupid moral conscious? I kissed a guy for the first time

> > without dating the other day, and look where that got me.. nowhere. I

> just

> > feel like wow, I am a really great catch, and it's not like I want to get

> > married and have children, I just want to see a movie, walk in the park

> and

> > make out under the stars, it's so 7th grade but that's okay. I just don't

> > know why I have such a hard time getting guys to ask me out. They are

> > attracted to me, but then nothing happens. They just look and walk away.

> And

> > at parties, once they hear I'm leaving they run away.. And at school, all

> > the guys are slutty because of the 60 female 40 male ratio. Any advice?

> I'm

> > too young to join okcupid and deep down I want someone to be smitten with

> me

> > from across the room, not a virtual playground.

> >

> > The thing is it's a Saturday night and I am alone, eating ramen noodles,

> and

> > wearing my new jeans to sleep in hopes to break them in.. I guess I could

> > have gone out .. but my best friend has a boy friend and we are on two

> > different playing fields now.. She never wants to do the single stuff

> > anymore.. UGH will I be lonely on Saturday night forever? And, why can't

> I

> > stop eating. I gained like 13 lbs this year from stress and the pill to

> > clear my acne, my nada, being stalked at college. I have so many

> unresolved

> > issues, I guess I can answer my own questions: I can't have a boy friend

> > right now because I need to learn how to love myself and resolve my

> issues

> > before I can let someone in.

> >

> > These walls have to go though. I want to experiment flirting more with

> the

> > customers.. Being a little more outgoing and confident.. let's see how it

> > goes. God, I miss being wanted.

> >

July 26, 2010