Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

July 27, 2010

Hi Frances!

First off, I'm so glad you are reuniting with your dad. I did the SAME THING

last year!

My dad was out of my life for 15 years. 15 years! I had it in my head that he

and his family wanted nothing to do with me. When I took the chance to go visit

them last year for the first time in 15 years, I was terrified. I didn't know

how to act, what to say. But it was a good decision.

My dads parents are still alive(My grandparents) and he also has 10 brothers and

sisters. Seeing them all was so overwhelming. They were all happy to see me, and

welcomed me with open arms. My nada always told me they were nothing but trouble

making white trash. I have found that they are completely the opposite. They are

the most warm, caring people I've ever known. The first night I was there, we

were sitting and talking, and my aunt kind of took the floor. She said " Sara Jo,

what do you want to know? " They knew I had been lied to much of my life. When my

mom would take us to meet my dad for visitation and he wasn't there, I thought

it was because he didn't care to show up. Truth was, he did show up, but my mom

would go to the wrong places on purpose so we would think he wasn't there and

didn't love us. They tried to call several times, and mom wouldn't let them talk

to me.

When they were telling me all this, I believed them. They had no reason to lie

to me. And they weren't talking BADLY about my mom, they were just speaking

facts about what happened. It's almost as if they didn't want to tell me the

truth because they knew it would hurt me.

All in all, I'm still getting to know my dad and my family.

But your question about what it's like to be the daughter, to act the kid

instead of being the parent....I have a feeling that will come naturally to you.

You seem smart and well adjusted for 19. I was 25 when I met my dad last year,

and it's funny to watch him. He takes care of things around the house, he

doesn't ask anyone else to do it. He asks ME about MY life, how MY life is. How

MY job is. How MY health is. My nada has no concern for anything in my life.

Whenever I try to talk to her about my job or anything else, she changes the

subject to something about her.

I think you should just go into this and be yourself. Remind yourself that you

don't have the be the one to " fix " everything. Let your dad be a dad on this fun

camping trip you are about to have. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

I wish you much luck, and I hope you will keep us posted on how this turns out.

Oh, and if you see NADA at the airport, I would try to make sure she doesn't see

me. But if she does, just act naturally and tell her you're going camping with

your dad. She will probably have a problem with that (my nada has disowned me

for having a relationship with my dad) and if she does , ITS HER PROBLEM.

Don't let her ruin your trip with her insanity.

~Sara J

>

> Hi!

>

> My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I was

a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad until

my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

>

> Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she was

downright nasty.

>

> 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times over

the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he stopped (high

school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going through another

[amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made things worse for me. Nada

was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from her, so he was right about

contact making things worse.

>

> Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him back

after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was fear of

Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

>

> Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I haven't

seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too little to

remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad and I are gonna

crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the campsite on Saturday. My

dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday, and I'll be back at work 8:30

Wednesday morning.

>

> So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN! Seeing

my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying, seeing my

half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting his new

partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with him

1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

>

> Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue how

to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough to be

" parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute way, like:

" HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college student, hmm, I'm

not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it first, ok. " Thing is, I

don't know how to be a daughter or how to be parented in any way shape or form.

I can act the parent, but... I don't think I even know how to describe the role

of " kid " . My therapist specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she gave

explaining it a whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

>

> So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the adult?

How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I asking the

right questions?

>

> I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> -Frances

>

> P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

(possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday). We

go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and I go

through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into Toronto. Even

though we'll be on different flights (different destinations), we'll probably be

in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll bump into her, but

dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm going =P On a not so

jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the terminal? Do I ignore her? Do

I pretend I don't know her? Do I call security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

>

July 27, 2010

did you tell your nada you were going to Canada on that day and return on

that day ??

Jackie

Hi!

My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she

was downright nasty.

8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times

over the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he

stopped (high school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going

through another [amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made

things worse for me. Nada was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from

her, so he was right about contact making things worse.

Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him

back after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was

fear of Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I

haven't seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too

little to remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad

and I are gonna crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the

campsite on Saturday. My dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday,

and I'll be back at work 8:30 Wednesday morning.

So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting

his new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with

him 1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough

to be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute

way, like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college

student, hmm, I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it

first, ok. " Thing is, I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be

parented in any way shape or form. I can act the parent, but... I don't

think I even know how to describe the role of " kid " . My therapist

specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she gave explaining it a

whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the

adult? How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I

asking the right questions?

I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

-Frances

P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

(possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday).

We go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and

I go through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into

Toronto. Even though we'll be on different flights (different destinations),

we'll probably be in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll

bump into her, but dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm

going =P On a not so jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the

terminal? Do I ignore her? Do I pretend I don't know her? Do I call

security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

July 27, 2010

No... I've been NC for a few months now. Funny story, I'm traveling to Toronto's

airport this weekend, so is my Nada, and so is my maternal grandma =P 3

generations, one airport. I got my Nada's confirmed travel dates through my

grandma, and in theory we're flying on different days *whew*

>

> did you tell your nada you were going to Canada on that day and return on

> that day ??

>

> Jackie

>

> Hi!

>

> My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

> was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

> until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

>

> Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

> me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

> deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she

> was downright nasty.

>

> 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

> and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times

> over the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he

> stopped (high school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going

> through another [amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made

> things worse for me. Nada was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from

> her, so he was right about contact making things worse.

>

> Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

> having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him

> back after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was

> fear of Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

>

> Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

> half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I

> haven't seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too

> little to remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad

> and I are gonna crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the

> campsite on Saturday. My dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday,

> and I'll be back at work 8:30 Wednesday morning.

>

> So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

> Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

> seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting

> his new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with

> him 1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

> disappointment?

>

> Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

> how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough

> to be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute

> way, like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college

> student, hmm, I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it

> first, ok. " Thing is, I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be

> parented in any way shape or form. I can act the parent, but... I don't

> think I even know how to describe the role of " kid " . My therapist

> specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she gave explaining it a

> whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

>

> So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

> Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the

> adult? How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I

> asking the right questions?

>

> I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

> comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> -Frances

>

> P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

> (possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday).

> We go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and

> I go through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into

> Toronto. Even though we'll be on different flights (different destinations),

> we'll probably be in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll

> bump into her, but dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm

> going =P On a not so jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the

> terminal? Do I ignore her? Do I pretend I don't know her? Do I call

> security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

>

July 27, 2010

Thanks for the advice =) My dad is one of seven children, all of whom had

multiple children, so I have TONS of aunts, uncles, and cousins... I've had the

chance to talk to some of them on Facebook, and they're all so welcoming and

friendly! My Nada called them " a bunch of Alberta rednecks " which my dad also

agrees with that to some extent (more in a joking way because he chose a

different life; Nada thinks of them as embarrassing and uses " redneck " not in

jest but as an insult). It *has* been weird having my dad ask about me, and

being able to talk to him without being interrupted, having the subject changed,

getting yelled at, or having it turn into something about him =) Then again, I

can't wait to be camping and wear shorts/tanktop/flannel without my Nada glaring

at me, calling me crass, and taunting me for " returning to the life [she]

escaped " !

Thanks for the reassuring story/advice/insight,

Frances

> >

> > Hi!

> >

> > My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

> >

> > Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she was

downright nasty.

> >

> > 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times over

the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he stopped (high

school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going through another

[amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made things worse for me. Nada

was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from her, so he was right about

contact making things worse.

> >

> > Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him back

after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was fear of

Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

> >

> > Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I haven't

seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too little to

remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad and I are gonna

crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the campsite on Saturday. My

dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday, and I'll be back at work 8:30

Wednesday morning.

> >

> > So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting his

new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with him

1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

disappointment?

> >

> > Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough to

be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute way,

like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college student, hmm,

I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it first, ok. " Thing is,

I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be parented in any way shape or

form. I can act the parent, but... I don't think I even know how to describe the

role of " kid " . My therapist specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she

gave explaining it a whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

> >

> > So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the adult?

How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I asking the

right questions?

> >

> > I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> > -Frances

> >

> > P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday