Re: Reconnecting with estranged family

[Guest guest]

No... I've been NC for a few months now. Funny story, I'm traveling to Toronto's

airport this weekend, so is my Nada, and so is my maternal grandma =P 3

generations, one airport. I got my Nada's confirmed travel dates through my

grandma, and in theory we're flying on different days *whew*

>

> did you tell your nada you were going to Canada on that day and return on

> that day ??

>

> Jackie

>

>

>

> Hi!

>

> My Nada and my dad did NOT have an amicable divorce. They separated when I

> was a baby, so I grew up with Nada and had court-mandated visits with my dad

> until my Nada and I permanently moved to the US.

>

> Even as a child I saw how hard Nada made it for my dad to get in touch with

> me. She used me to play games with him (telling me to say things that would

> deliberately hurt him). She interfered with ANY summer plans. In short, she

> was downright nasty.

>

> 8 years ago my dad squeezed *one* visit in after Nada and I moved to the US,

> and we went on a road trip. He tried to get in touch with me a few times

> over the years, and Nada went after him with a vengeance. Eventually he

> stopped (high school). He stopped because it was hard on him (he was going

> through another [amicable] divorce) and because he sensed that it made

> things worse for me. Nada was ALWAYS terrified that he'd take me away from

> her, so he was right about contact making things worse.

>

> Well, at the end of April, I got a package from him out of the blue (after

> having no contact for 4 and a half years). I got up the guts to call him

> back after I went NC with Nada--the only thing that stopped me before was

> fear of Nada's rages. We've had phone conversations every week since then.

>

> Next weekend, I'm flying up to Canada to see him, my half-brother (13), my

> half-sister (10 turning 11), the woman he's seeing, and her daughter. I

> haven't seen my half-siblings in over a decade, and my half-sister was too

> little to remember me. We're going camping. I fly up on Friday, and my Dad

> and I are gonna crash in my home town that night, then drive up to the

> campsite on Saturday. My dad will drive me back to the airport on Tuesday,

> and I'll be back at work 8:30 Wednesday morning.

>

> So first of all: HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA SEE THAT SIDE OF MY FAMILY AGAIN!

> Seeing my dad after limited to no contact for almost a decade is terrifying,

> seeing my half-siblings that barely remember me is disorienting, and meeting

> his new partner for the first time is strange. I'm going to be in a car with

> him 1-on-1... what if I'm boring, what if he doesn't like me, what if I'm a

> disappointment?

>

> Ok, so that's the normal reaction. Here's my KO reaction... I have no clue

> how to be a daughter. I'm 19, so in some families I'd still be young enough

> to be " parented. " My dad definitely seems like the parenting kind in a cute

> way, like: " HEY that's not the greatest idea, oh wait, I was a college

> student, hmm, I'm not one to talk, it's your decision but think about it

> first, ok. " Thing is, I don't know how to be a daughter or how to be

> parented in any way shape or form. I can act the parent, but... I don't

> think I even know how to describe the role of " kid " . My therapist

> specializes in interpersonal relationships, and she gave explaining it a

> whack, but it still didn't make much sense to me.

>

> So yeah... does anyone here know how the whole teenage daughter role works?

> Have any of you been in a situation where you didn't have to parent the

> adult? How did it work? How hard is it to ignore the " parenting " urges? Am I

> asking the right questions?

>

> I'm a little panicky and overwhelmed, but it'll all be ok, right? If worst

> comes to worst, I have panic pills... deep breaths.

> -Frances

>

> P.S. Fun fact: apparently my Nada is flying to Canada that same Friday

> (possibly Saturday), and flying back on that same Tuesday (possibly Monday).

> We go through different U.S. airports (she goes through LaGuardia in NYC and

> I go through Bradley International in CT), but we're both flying into

> Toronto. Even though we'll be on different flights (different destinations),

> we'll probably be in the same terminal. It's probably not likely that I'll

> bump into her, but dammit... she HAD to go to Canada the same weekend I'm

> going =P On a not so jolly note, what do I do if I run into her at the

> terminal? Do I ignore her? Do I pretend I don't know her? Do I call

> security? Do I say hi? Ahhhhh!!!

>